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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alcoholic husband, will someone walk this road with me?

249 replies

PeggyGuggenheim · 12/02/2011 14:11

It's been an issue all through our ten years together. A bottle of wine to himself, every night, is the least he would have. More like 3 litres of cider a night, or getting bladdered at the pub three times a week.

Anyway, he finally admitted to his best friend that he was an alcoholic and I thought we were getting there...he managed about six weeks without a drink and it was like we were newlyweds. Just such a relief, so much relief and love, and he was a changed person. Then bit by bit, drink creeps back in, and being the idiot I am, I think he's going to be able to be a sensible drinker! Why????

Now we are back to square one and all I'm asking for help with is - on Monday nights an Al-Anon group meets in my town, I have been threatening/promising to go, for about two years! I need to bite the bullet and just GO on Monday night. Is anyone else needing their "hand held" to take this step?

OP posts:
Wormshuffler · 16/02/2011 06:59

Well done on the dry 8 years miflaw all the best for the future.

halfcaff · 16/02/2011 22:18

Is there anybody who has stayed with an active alcoholic for years and not regretted it? I mainly seem to meet partners of long-sober recovering alcoholics at Al Anon. Seems there can't be much hope unless the drinker stops drinking Sad.

Snorbs · 16/02/2011 23:21

halfcaff, I have met a couple of people through Al-Anon who are still with active alcoholics and who seem to be managing fine. One older woman in particular has whole-heartedly gone for the "detachment with love" approach, whereby she don't get involved at all with the drinking or drunken behaviour. Instead, she lives her own life. Sometimes she'll be free when her DP is sober in which case they'll do something together. If not, then they don't.

I think one notable factor is that her DP isn't an aggressive drunk so it's easy for her to wander off and do her own thing when he's pissed without risk of angry reaction. And, so far, he's managing to hold down what I suspect is quite a well-paid job.

I dunno. I don't think that approach would be appropriate in the slightest if there are children around. And I don't think that approach would work in the long-term for me as, in my view, there's hardly a relationship left there at all and it's all just such hard work. But it works for her.

halfcaff · 17/02/2011 10:03

Yes snorbs, it always comes back to the children - the fact that there are children changes everything. It makes it worse to stay and also harder to go because you are making a decision on their behalf to make a much more 'severe' break with the other parent than there would be in many break-ups. (i.e. you are not going to trust the oh to have the children overnight, they are going to be unreliable visitors etc.) Therefore the only way they get any 'quality' time with their dad is having him around at weekends when he is sober for between 50-90% of the time depending on which way the wind blows!
I am in such a dilemma.

nje3006 · 17/02/2011 10:10

halfcaff it is very hard when there are children. Wondering and worrying about the ds's relationship with their father (or mother in the case of women who drink) is part of the managing that goes on in alcoholic relationships. It's part of the enabling, managing the consequences.
OTOH parents have a responsibility to ensure their children are physically safe and that can be a real issue with some (not all) alcoholics.
But imo staying with an alcoholic for the sake of the dc's (b/c they might have a worse relationship if there's a split) does the children no favours in the long run.

ginnny · 17/02/2011 10:44

I found the 'detaching with love' was just a coping mechanism until I had the courage to leave. I don't think it works long term, and really not when dc are involved as it can be seen as condoning the alcoholics behaviour.
I don't know of any happy long term relationships where one partner is an alcoholic. I think the main reason for this is that in the end the drink always comes first and not many people can sustain a relationship where they are always second fiddle.

I used to feel that it was worse than other women, because drink is hard mistress to fight.

halfcaff · 17/02/2011 10:56

Yes I can agree with all of that. It is just so hard to make that break - so much harder when he of course has no intention of moving out, which is what I would want. And practical things can rarely be discussed in a rational way.

HomeintheSun · 17/02/2011 11:30

My mum met my step father and it wasn't until after they got married she realised he was an alcoholic, she is a nurse and I think in the beginning she wanted to "fix" him, I know she found Al Anon very helpful after a few sessions (the first one, she expected to get the quick fix answer, and when she didn't get it she was a little dis-heartened.) She became stonger and used tough love and other coping stratagies for example when he passed out she just put him in the recovery position and left him on the floor and then we went out, rather than trying to get him up and into bed and staying by him to make sure he was ok.

My step father went into rehab twice but he somehow changed from an everyday drinker into a binge drinker, so was able to go a few days and then had a blow out, he went to AA but as he wasn't ready to stop he thought everyone there were boasting about what they had done.
They were together about 8 or 9 years and I know she was starting divorce proceedings but then he was told that he had Pancreatitis and if he didn't stop drinking then it would kill him.

My older sister and my mum were with him when he died, along with his own 2 girls, I was at work and my younger brother and sister were at school, his drinking did affect us even though we were teenagers and early twenties we all saw how he was and how stressed our mum was as he drank away money they didn't have and took out loans they couldn't afford, to pay for his drink.

You need to do what is best for you and your children.
my mum tried to get us to go to Al-a-teen but at that point I didn't think his drinking was my problem but later wished I had. Wishing you all the best and stay strong.

Original poster
PeggyGuggenheim · 19/02/2011 14:37

Hi, I am the OP! AND I WENT TO THE MEETING!

It was amazing, so interesting and weird. I really never realised what it was all about. I'm to stop chucking his wine down the sink...I never knew that was the wrong thing to do! FutureMrsClooney, you did describe my marriage. The whole thing of thinking "well it's not really that bad". And meanwhile your own life is curtailed in so many ways.

Anyway, I went on Monday and I intend to keep going to meetings and see where it takes me. Detachment, which is their key idea, is still a bit of a mystery. I'm not supposed to try and prevent any drinking happening. Previously, we would make deals all the time about his drinking and not drinking. And so, so, so many fights. NO MORE! I'm to just let him get on with it and see. See where his unrestrained drinking will take him...I feel relieved that I don't have to be "in charge" of his drinking any more. But scared stiff about what is going to transpire. I'm backing off from being the police-woman...I have to shrug off that role and find some courage. Which the Al-Anon group are there to provide. I really feel up for it.

Now I'm going to try and go back up this thread and read everyone's stories. Thanks for keeping the thread alive x peggy

OP posts:
happyeverafter · 19/02/2011 14:58

Hi Peggy I looked for this thread yesterday and couldn't find it so ended up starting my own 'Living with an alcoholic DH'.

Your life sounds so similar to mine. Well done for going to the meeting. I only managed to go to one and I was so scared and upset. It was interesting and could help but they're at awkward times for me to get to, so it may be a while before I can get to another.

Let me know how you get on. Good luck x

Original poster
PeggyGuggenheim · 19/02/2011 15:05

Thanks, and good luck to you too. It's so lucky that I can walk to my meeting. I haven't told him that I went on Monday, can't really imagine how that conversation will go, that's the next thing to worry about! I go to a community group some Monday evenings, so I can actually go out without explaining. I know secrets aren't good but it feels like I need to build up my Al-Anon strength before I tell him that I'm attending meetings.

OP posts:
Snorbs · 19/02/2011 19:20

Peggy, I am so glad you went. It's weird how much effort we put into trying to control someone else's drinking, isn't it? I tried making deals, arguing, begging, counting empty bottles, being the booze police, estimating alcohol consumption based on money spent, all that and more.

It never made the slightest difference to my ex's drinking, all it did was take over my life, cause me so much stress I started having physical symptoms, and send me completely slightly bonkers.

Letting all that go was incredibly hard at first but also tremendously liberating. My health improved too.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
PeggyGuggenheim · 19/02/2011 21:07

Yay thanks Snorbs, he has "popped out" to get some spurious ingredient for a recipe he's planning, I know he will return with a sneaky bottle of wine and he'll drink a great big glass of it secretly, and in the old days I would walk into the kitchen and freak out and then pour the rest down the sink. Not gonna do that tonight (she says gleefully)

OP posts:
Xenia · 19/02/2011 22:11

Go to the meeting.
If you want to stay married etc and not issue ultimata, you could just see when the problems are there and act. What does he do that's a problem? Does he fall asleep or be unable to have a proper conversation? You could say as soon as you smell the drink - ah I see you've been drinking. I'll spend the evening upstairs then or something like that so he knows you know and won't put up with it as things have gone on before may be?

Snorbs · 19/02/2011 23:09

If nothing else at least things will be different. Maybe not better, maybe not worse, but at least the record will be changed for you even if not for him.

As the old saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Or, to put it more succinctly, Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 19/02/2011 23:35

Best of luck Peggy x

Meggles76 · 19/02/2011 23:47

Peggy
I work closely with those who have serious substance misuse (mainly class A drug users but also some alcoholics).

It is important to remember that we can't make someone change, can't make them want to stop and can't fix someone. Whilst their families can be a motivation for change, ultimately they have to want it for themselves.

Addictions can be long and drawn out. The average length of time that someone will use drugs before doing something about it is 10 years.

Try and have a look at the 'cycle of change'. This gives insight in to the steps that people go through in the process. It will help you understand where your DH is right now.

Good for you for going to the meeting. You need to look after you too!

Maryz · 20/02/2011 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/02/2011 14:40

I understand where ur coming from Mary and ultimately this is what happened in my own case.I went to alanon discovered more about the disease and set boundaries that I would no longer tolerate his alcoholism in our home ,I had 2 young dcs and I chose to break the cycle of dysfunction.he went away to sort himself out saying he wanted to try and stop drinking to save our marriage and our family.he made several attempts ,several reconcilliations ,but always ended up going back to the pub and his drinking buddies,he couldn't stay away.I realised it is an addiction and if he doesn't want to stop then he won't stop.found out that he was seeing someone else and she was the barmaid at his boozer.got a text today from her saying I was a terrible wife that drove her husband away,a wifes job is to keep her man and I couldn't and now he was sleeping with her.I replied that I didn't want an alcoholic husband ,not good enough for me or my kids.but goodluck with my X.
But it has taken me this long to get here..16mths after our first split .I know I made the right choice.I could have "kept my man."by allowing him to keep drinking in our home and enabling his behaviour but I would never have been happy and my kids would never have had the peaceful stable life that they have now.if I achieve nothing else in life I have achieved that.
Peggy u will find ur own way through .a lot of the stories I heard at alanon were similar to mine and I found strength from their meetings.I loved my husband very much but it takes 2 to make a marriage,and he loved drink more .I had to let him go and drink somewhere else.

Maryz · 20/02/2011 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mole1 · 20/02/2011 17:42

My ex h did give up - but only after he had destroyed his marriage and got a criminal record Shock! I hope your h realises what he could lose before you get to that stage op - well done for going to the meeting!

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/02/2011 20:59

Thanks Mary z ,its early days but my little home is so quiet and safe that is a lovely feeling everyday.my life has gone from shouting,adrenaline and dv.to quiet nights reading ,walking the dog,doing dcs ,pt job and drinking camomille tea.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 20/02/2011 21:01

Rock n Roll eh ROFL!

ginnny · 21/02/2011 12:53

Well done Peggy. The hard thing is to keep it up because once he notices the change in you he will push the boundaries. Stick with alanon - it helps to know your not alone x

halfcaff · 21/02/2011 15:12

Hi Peggy, just marking my place again and trying to keep the thread going.
As I've said before it's all very well saying 'just leave him' or 'just chuck him out' but there are so many things which make that so hard, and it's very brutal to hear that you are damaging your children by not walking out. I think there would be damage either way, that's the bummer!