The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past the Valentine's Wining and Dining

[notevenamousie]

Following on from jesuswhatnext and her original very successful thread and all the many others here , this is the Brave Babes Battle Bus, sharing struggles, thoughts, experience, strength and hope concerning life but more specifically our relationship with, and our journey through, cutting down or cutting out alcohol.

There is no judging or nastiness, just support for whatever works, and if we fall out of the bus we are always welcomed back on when we are ready with open arms and listening ears.

I'm notevenamousie and I'm an alcoholic. I abused and was dependent on alcohol for months if not even a couple of years. I feel a hundred times better physically, emotionally, spiritually, since giving in the fight with alcohol, admitting I had lost, and walking away, but it's very much one day at a time.

If you are a long time lurker, why not make this thread the one you jump in and say hello!

Hello

horrible - nice to see you.

Hmm, can I call you truth instead please?

I don't like calling you horrible.

Thankyou. Been lurking on this thread for a while, well since the beginning.
Not quite sure I'm ready though.

Sorry. Will try again tomorrow.

ht we are here for you, whenever you are ready.

I had the most bewildering meeting of my life tonight and it's the only time I went out feeling worse than when I went in - in case anyone is wondering about AA, this is not usual and probably says more about me than about the meeting. But I've had a rubbish day and I haven't needed to drink. Thank God, and AA, and you ladies and miflaw, for that one.

Going to head to bed soon I think and try and read something mindless and turn my brain off.

Zany are you going to make it two nights in a row?

Mouse how are you today?

Hi to anyone else that's around, hope the day has been kind to you.

I'm good thanks Noteven

truth - wow, are you me? I was like that......lurked and thought about it and then took the plunge.

You only have to be ready to take the first step towards what YOU want to achieve.

Whenever you are ready

I'm a disgrace :(

Hello qo I haven't seen you here before, are you ok?

no not ok, feeling like the worst kind of shit and there's nothing I can do that will make me feel any better,I've even rang the samaritans. I just dont want to be me anymore.

I have no recollection at all of coming home yesterday, I woke up in someone elses house naked from the waist down and pretty sure I wet the bed too, I have a cut on my face and a sore hip, and I am still nursing a different booze injury(a bad one) from 3 weeks ago, I have calls on my call register that I can't remember making, I wont be going to work today, and worst of all my daughter saw me like that and it's not the first time.

I made a concious decision 3 weeks ago after the bad injury that I had to stop this, and I did, but fucking ruined it all yesterday, am back to square one. The guilt and the shame are crippling me, I hate myself so much, I want to run away. I'm a drunk and a shit mother.

This is so awful I can't believe I'm even going to say it, but I keep wishing something bad would happen so that it takes the attention off my drinking, then hate myself even more for thinking it, but it keeps creeping back in.

I can't sleep as the thought of waking up and facing myself is too horrendous, every time I look in the mirror that cut is going to remind me of what a total fuck up I am, and what an awful shit mother I am.

I feel so rotten and can't understand why I keep doing this to myself, and to my daughter.

Hi qo, I hope you'll come back and tell us what's on your mind. It sounds like you've got the post-drink guilt and remorse that everyone on this thread know so well, because we have been there ourselves. You are very welcome here.

Hello to everyone else. Terrible night here, Cristi looks like you were up in the small hours again with your non-sleepers.

I feel a bit vulnerable today, I am going to make every effort to keep it in the day, and just for today I don't want or need a drink. I'm going to keep myself busy and am grateful to be waking up sober.

yep that's what it is mousie, but with good reason given everything I've done and in front of the little one too. And after doing so well for 3 weeks the feeling of failure and the sense of "I obviously can't do this", is very acute. On top of the shame, the guilt and the insomnia, I'm feeling pretty horrific about myself right now.

I really think I ought to see someone about this, AA is not for me so I think GP, has anyone here been to the GP about the drinking and if so did it help at all?

Hello not even hello qo

Qo - poor you. It sounds like you are indeed suffering something awful. Please don't wish something worse on yourself. Please, tell me why AA is not for you? What did the samaritans say?

There is hope for the future qo and we are here to help.

Not even - yes, insomnia strikes again. But I know why, because i drank alcohol last night. Our neighbour came by to say his baby had just been born. Red wine and cava. I'm an idiot. I think I have been so inspired by you not even that i think i am ready to admit to myself that i am indeed, powerless over alcohol. That it is a greater power than me. I can go to bed and leave half a bottle of wine in the fridge. However, I just don't like how my tolerance levels have increased so much so i need to acknowledge this. Sorry, this is a biggie for me.

Qo, how old is your daughter? Have you read the first ever thread that started the 'brave babes'? I'll try to cut and paste it

link here

I assure you there will be others who have done the same things or something like it.
Your GP - in my experience - may well refer you to Social Services, especially if you have been drinking to excess whilst responsible for your child(ren) whether they are awake or asleep. I had been, and the threat of SS has been a huge stressful nightmare (I know they are only there to do their best for my DD). The GP will tend to refer you to your local alcohol service, which - and again, this is only my experience, - tend to advocate controlled drinking and release everything you say to them to Social Services. If you need to detox then you will have to get medical help because for some, if they are physically dependent on alcohol, stopping suddenly can be dangerous.

Why is AA not for you, if I can ask? You stopped for 3 weeks - how did that go? How did you feel when you were stopped? You don't have to feel this guilt and loneliness ever again, if that's what you want and are willing to do anything to get it.

Lots of water, something sweet if you can manage it, be kind to yourself. Today is a new day - it can be the first day of the rest of your life, if that's what you want.

Morning all, to quote JWN I am very boingy this morning!!!

Why is it when I have no work today, I am awake at the crack of sparrows fart!!!

qo I am so so sorry that you are feeling so awful, it is truly a terrible place to be, and I totally understand how you are feeling, having been there too
There is so much support here on the bus, and we will all help you if you want.

Can I ask why AA is not for you?

I have been to my GP, but they/I were worse that useless, but I don't know whether that was them not understanding the problem, or me not understanding my own problem (i hope that makes sense).

Where are you now, and are you and your DD safe?

mousie keep it in the day, or the hour if you need to. Will PM you in a minute.

Today folks, is 12 weeks since my last drink .
I am so very very chuffed, and OMGoodness, my life is just so so different. I am truly truly blessed by so much, you lot, my friends, my family. I thought that I could never ever possibly stop the trajectory of self destruction that I appeared to be on.

Hope everyone has a great day!!
qo keep talkng to us

Cristi that's a huge step, of course it is. I admitted it first on here too. It took me a while to accept it, mind, but that can be for another day. Well done, really well done, and I hope there is some relief in having got that out, even just in typing.

I've had as many excuses for drinking as I had drinks - new baby - of course I can see how that happened. You got me through one of my darkest nights back in November, the question now is how can the BBs help you?

Where, roughly, do you live? Have you got another week before you start your new job? Would you consider getting yourself to an AA meeting? I hope you too will be gentle with yourself today - just eat what you fancy and try and keep as busy as you can manage.

Thanks cristiane

AA is not for me as I'm not religious in the slightest and think I would struggle with the spiritual side of it to be honest.

The samaritans were great, she just said to recognize that I have a problem at the moment, and that it wont be easy but it is possible to change. I really just needed somebody to talk too about the awful things I've done - and I don't just mean yesterday.

I'm suffering very much at the moment, the guilt, the shame, the lack of sleep and the anxiety of having to speak to people who saw me yesterday are really overpowering me.

I can't even begin to describe how truly dreadful I feel

Morning babes and babemen ,

Dh and Dc out early today, off to an open day, I'm going to work this morning, so I couldn't go (bit sad icon).

Hello truth and qo, so pleased to meet you, glad you have joined us.

qo I think you need to try and look after yourself this morning, do you need to go A and E?, if not maybe you could have a shower and some water, Berocca, if you've got it. Is there someone you can call to help you look after little one today?
I have no experience of AA or the GP, but I'm sure someone will be along soon, who can help you.

Christi how are things with you, did DH have a good hol?

How are things in the Mouse house? Did Nemo and Seth have a good night?

JWN CONGRATULATIONS , and thank you so much for starting this thread. You have not only achieved sobriety for yourself, but have helped so many others towards achieving, or actually achieving the same thing. Great big virtual hug. xx

Isindie how are things with you? Has work slowed down at all?

Whoo, too many questions, was up too early xxxx

sorry for cross-posting. Yes I'm safe thanks,I'm home and dd is with her grandma.

The three weeks went really well and I was so sorted and proud of myself (they say pride comes before a fall doon't they)

Thanks so much to everyone for you concern, I really appreiate it.

qo - AA isn't religious. At all. The God stuff - all you need to believe right now is that you are not God. I've heard said, if you don't are can't believe in God, try adding an o. Believe in the power of good.

As for AA - well, how desperate are you? I didn't want to go, didn't want to admit I was an alcoholic, and didn't know where I stood with God. But I'd got to the point where I'd try anything, and AA works, and thereI'm staying. Where roughly in the country are you? How old is/ are your dc? Are you, and they, safe? Is there any alcohol in the house and if so can you get rid of it?

Thinking of you.

Sorry, X posted with lots of people.
Also, sorry, didn't mean to sound flippant in any way.

bafana congratulations, I am getting there again after a few slip ups in January, that actually just made me feel worse, when I had been feeling so good.

noteven you are an inspiration in what you you have achieved in such a short space of time. Keep on thinking to yourself how much better you feel about yourself, and your life with DD. Feeling vulnerable is horrid, and in my case, I used to thin k that a drink would make me braver, or less vulnerable, but in fact, as we al know it just makes everything worse. So, have a good day my lovely, sending you love.xx

P.s just looked out of my window, and there are loads of birds having a lovely time on our bird table, spring is in the air

noteven Thank you. Start work Monday. I am really scared about going to a meeting. I don't know how to explain, it's probably to do with the enormity of it to me.

Thurso dh's holiday was good. He returned slimmer and with a tan!

Well done bafana how brilliant

Qo - I think that the spiritual side is just about acknowledging a higher power not necessarily a Christian God. I am not sure though as I have never been to a meeting. Yet.

mousie There is alcohol in the house, a box of wine, but I wont be touching it.

My problem is not so much needing a drink, it's not being able to stop when I do have a drink, I (usually) go through the week quite happily without a drink, and just drink at weekends and I'd say I usually have one binge a fortnight ie drinking until I'm incapable and pass out.

I know AA isn't religious, but it is spiritual isn't it? Don't know if I'm wrong on that

I have x posted endlessly this morning, and this has been the silver lining to the fact we have no running water so no showers and no coffee. DD is playing upstairs and so I have suddenly time I wouldn't usually have for this. (Fed up about the water though).

Cristi show me someone who isn't frightened of stepping through the doors to their first meeting!! I don't think there ever existed such a person. I only asked where you are as I know miflaw has gone with people to first meetings, I would, am sure jwn/ Bafana would too. But, if you ring the helpline (yes, that's terrifying too, I know!) they'll find you someone to go in with.

thurso am feeling less worried than earlier - am learning though SO slowly (or else I am just impatient) that these feelings pass. And drink would make every single thing worse. Of course I want to understand the whole programme a week ago last thursday but life on life's terms isn't like that!