The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past the Valentine's Wining and Dining

[notevenamousie]

Following on from jesuswhatnext and her original very successful thread and all the many others here , this is the Brave Babes Battle Bus, sharing struggles, thoughts, experience, strength and hope concerning life but more specifically our relationship with, and our journey through, cutting down or cutting out alcohol.

There is no judging or nastiness, just support for whatever works, and if we fall out of the bus we are always welcomed back on when we are ready with open arms and listening ears.

I'm notevenamousie and I'm an alcoholic. I abused and was dependent on alcohol for months if not even a couple of years. I feel a hundred times better physically, emotionally, spiritually, since giving in the fight with alcohol, admitting I had lost, and walking away, but it's very much one day at a time.

If you are a long time lurker, why not make this thread the one you jump in and say hello!

dementedma I've not been around much but I THINK it was a MIFLAW comment that upset you? I may be wrong.

You aren't being rude, or upsetting people. I should think that the only thing that would worry people is if you were just to disappear off. Keep posting. I think I wrote your exact post practically word for word a few months ago and I truly understand how difficult it is when everything is going bloody wrong and the drinking is the least of all the problems.

The other aspects of my life have improved - DH depression slightly better, DD2s health better, and I'm starting my job soon. So life can be shit and it can be good whether you are drinking or not. I guess though, that drinking doesn't help your mood, it didn't help mine either, except as a kind of amnesiac for an hour or two, but once that feeling had gone I was weaker, even though I didn't think I was.

I don't know what has turned my life around for the better, it is just small things, that instead of feeling like death by a thousand cuts, I feel slowly I have some things to build on, that I have a future.

ma! ive just pmd you!!

Thanks JWN, you have summed things up nicely.

Thanks JWN you put into words what I was feeling. I was a bit upset about the 'smug' comment and I sometimes feel put off from posting that I am doing OK, because of that attitude, but it is hard won, I can assure you.
I think that there should be some expression of peoples success, as well as the hard times on this thread. It was JWNs success that inspired me to have a go at giving up the booze, and I am so thankful for that.

As you were...

Sorry, I only just saw Ma's last post, I do think a grat thing about this thread is that we CAN (and do) all express what we feel. No one should ever have to back off from doing just that, so stay on board Ma.
x

ma
I understand why you are hurt, but I can also see this from the other side of the table, I see why MIFLAW posted what he did as well.

Small anecdote to try and explain this better:

Good friend of mine also has a drink problem, he called me last Sunday night and we chatted for a wee while, there were little warning signs going off in my head that all was not well with him. So I ended up going round there and he had been drinking, we tipped away the booze and he came round to mine to sober up.

We sat in the kitchen and drank tea and talked.

I realised that we all blether a load of shite when we are drunk. He was vaguely irritating in a way that he never is when sober. He got a good case of the "poor mes" going. I asked him if the wine had helped at all - and he admitted that it hadn't.

After he had left, I felt really upset, for several reasons.

1. He was upset and had turned to drink instead of the many other things he could of done.
2. He was doing so well, probably about 2 months sober, and he really made me question my own sobriety.
3. There but for the Grace of God go I. That was me less than three months ago.

I still have the voice in my head, telling me that I don't really have a problem, that I can drink responsibly, or drink unresponsibly, and not have to face up to the consequences!! I still crave drink at certain times, although this is less and less frequent. I still am deeply ashamed that I am an Alcoholic.

However, after a good nights sleep, I realised that his situation, had really really strengthened my resolve not to go to that place anymore, that I would far rather face my life as a recovering alcoholic than a drinking or in denial alcoholic.

His drinking made me take stock of where I had come to in my own journey, and therefore was of some benefit to me.

Am I smug!! No I am not, I am really really sad to see him fall off the wagon.
Do I understand why - yes I do.
Would I change places with him - NEVER ever ever if I could possibly avoid it,
But ultimately it was HIS choice to go and buy alcohol and drink it, as it is your choice to do the same.

Will I support you if you want supported - ABSOLUTELY
Will I tell you why my life is better since I stopped drinking - if you want to me to, I will share my story.
Will I join you drinking - NO, because now that I have done both, I choose not to. And all of a sudden I have the luxury of choice. The alcohol no longer controls me.

Please do not stop posting, we are all here to support you and will do if you give us the opportunity.

Stay safe ma

Just checking in. Had a little topple off the wagon when I arrived at the cottage we're renting for half term only to be met by a free bottle of fizz on the table. How come that NEVER happened when I was drinking?

I ended up giving in and having a couple of glasses before pouring the rest down the sink . I don't think it's possible for me NOT to drink if there is alcohol in the house which is pretty shameful really.

I am feeling a bit smug though (sorry Ma) cos we went out for a pub lunch today and I didn't waver - had appletise in a wine glass instead. Twas lovely.

TNC - I've been thinking about you and what you said today, but it looks like jwn has probably answered and reassured you far better than I ever could. I think there are as many different right ways as there are people in AA. I am quite tactile, I think touch is immensely powerful, but I would have thought people should be able to read your body language that you don't want to be hugged. For some people, they are not safe if they are going out, and that's ok, but if you are, that's ok too. I am vulnerable still, but had lunch in a licensed place yesterday with an old friend, but still had to text my sponsor first to ground myself. I couldn't, yet, go out for the evening with lots of people who are drinking, but if you can, then good for you! In terms of having a plan for where you go from here, for me the next thing will be going through the steps with my sponsor. Have you read much of the book? I'm told that's a good place to start whilst you are trying to work out who to ask. And, as for your friends not seeming so interested - you'll hear a lot in AA that people aren't half as interested in us as we think they are - I had this pointed out to me again today. I've probably said enough and I can only apologise if it's not helpful.

ma there are wiser words than I have above me, please feel welcome here, you can't stop until you are ready, and we will be here not just when you are but until you are.

bafana am sorry you are still going through the mill. This is definitely a "serenity to accept what you can't change" moment - I hope you can find that somehow. I'm really struggling with it with my ex, it was really messing with my head last weekend and still is in ways I never even really noticed.

I'm still having headaches but otherwise I'm doing well, it's great to be coping with life and worrying less, being able to achieve more but without the stresses and fears.

Love to all, hope you are all safe and well tonight. x

Evening guys,

boy, what terrible weather. Had a long walk by the sea this morning when it wasn't raining (much). I still feel full of cold, and heady, because of bad sinus's.

FWIW, I think we should ditch the "smug" word, and carry on , and also give Ma or whoever needs it, a bit of space.

Have good evenings everyone. xxxx

hey kids - I hope you are all behaving - any fighting and I'll be in there to sort it out...

Mouse, JWN are you there and where is Venus ???????

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry, Silver, I'm here....

Just teaching the wolf that pissing in it's bed is not a great idea.

Wash load number 6

bleedin hell Mouse

why why why

cats look after themselves

dogs

pain in the arse

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mouse what is wolfie's name? hope he is giving you and your family fun, as well as work
Silver How are you doing, so pleased that you are online again (being a bit wuss to be scared of a lot of that's going on here).

Who's going to watch the BAFTA's tonight?, my bet's on Colin Firth!!

I do mean I'm being a bit wuss!

I had a lovely text from venus she's just back from hols

Hello everyone

noteven once again, you're a revelation and a inspiration to me. I can't believe how much you've changed

And thurso and bafana and the others, you're amazing too

Changed?! Wrong word. I mean progressed, advanced, all that kind of thing. Forgive me

after a couple of very kind pms, can i clarify the "smug" comment and lay it to rest? it was a direct response to a comment by one poster only, who wrote that it made him happy when i was posting while drinking because it reminded him that he wasn't! perhaps I misinterpreted it but imagine if someone posted to say that their DP had been diagnosed with cancer, and someone responded that this news made them happy because their DP didn't!. Those of you who are doing well have every right to feel pleased with themselves, and share that with everyone. Long may it continue for you, and maybe one day for me.
I'll be around, sort of.just not celebrating success right now.

Cristi you are so kind - I think this was me, hidden under the heartache and confusion and out-of-control drinking.

I've got the radio on and just pondering what to do with the next hour or so before I cave in and read in bed. I'm tired (just naturally fatigued from a busy day), peaceful (which never used to be a feeling in my repertoire ever, and have been crippled by "Sunday afternoon syndrome" for most of my working life despite loving my work) and blessed (where do I start - my daughter, family, friends, and all these because of what AA has given me).

Life isn't easy - my mum is no less terminally ill, I have no break from my DD, I have to watch every penny and work is stressful - but something has changed inside of me and it's the best feeling I have ever had.

Right, I'll shut up now. I'm off to continue rediscovering 2 functional 9 o'clocks in the day but I do think of you ladies often and hope you are ok. x

Hello everyone, yes I'm back (and hello to anyone new from the last couple of weeks). I was back yesterday, found this thread and have been gradually catching up with all your posts on the previous thread. OK I know I could have posted yesterday, but I just wanted to prolong your waiting, and to see how many of you would post that you were missing me [self-satisfied EGOtistical emoticon ]

It was funny, while I was away (mixture of work commitments then holiday) I was thinking about these threads, and I half thought that I might have a wee break from it all - I know that I sometimes spend waaaaay too much time on here when I should be working. But you know what? I really missed you all, and I really wanted to read all the posts that I'd missed. I care about how you're all doing, and I owe you all so much for providing a safe place where I can come and pontificate - it is so much better for me to do it on here than to do it as part of a lonely one-sided conversation with a bottle of wine.

Lovely to be back home with you lot x

Ah well, I should have posted while someone was around to reply....

Welcome back venus very glad to see you.
Desperately trying to finsh work for tomorrow, but procrastinating dreadfully!!!
Why do I do that!!

OOh thank you mouse - how are you doing? I read all your posts about Nemo, and about your workmen. We had 2 bathrooms replaced in December and January, and I just hated having people in the house, although it was much, much better than my dp trying to do it.

venus - so good to "see" you - I missed you, your wisdom and kindness. I hope you had a lovely restful holiday. xx

Hi noteven - you've been sounding so positive in your posts, strong and resolute and happy. It's been a dlight to read