The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past the Valentine's Wining and Dining

[notevenamousie]

Following on from jesuswhatnext and her original very successful thread and all the many others here , this is the Brave Babes Battle Bus, sharing struggles, thoughts, experience, strength and hope concerning life but more specifically our relationship with, and our journey through, cutting down or cutting out alcohol.

There is no judging or nastiness, just support for whatever works, and if we fall out of the bus we are always welcomed back on when we are ready with open arms and listening ears.

I'm notevenamousie and I'm an alcoholic. I abused and was dependent on alcohol for months if not even a couple of years. I feel a hundred times better physically, emotionally, spiritually, since giving in the fight with alcohol, admitting I had lost, and walking away, but it's very much one day at a time.

If you are a long time lurker, why not make this thread the one you jump in and say hello!

Bless you, bafana, and very touched that you took the trouble to write to me osella.

Nothing to be done, I think, we just seem to have grown so far apart, DH thinks we're fine ,. Have talked endlessly, and I'll be honest one night I did drink a bottle and a half of wine, just to forget where I was...well, that worked...not!

So, I still have the big problem with the wine, and it's even sadder now, because when I do drink, it's because I'm unhappy.

Sorry, didn't mean to bring the mood right down, that's why I haven't been posting.

You opened the floodgates bafana

xxxx

Hi Thurso sorry to hear you are feeling so low. We all know that drinking makes us feel worse in the long run but I know that when you are feeling unhappy is does seem like a quick plaster on the unhappiness - hope that makes sense.

WOuls councelling help Thurso, maybe relate. I close friend of mine went to relate and I know it helped her alot.

thusro

You seem stuck in a cycle at the moment. How is DH? I get the impression from your posts that every tiny thing has been building up of late?

Write it down.

Empty your head, start a list of things you want to change and do one at a time.

Not in any order or under any pressure, just get it out!

Write down what's worrying you.

Read it and add to it as and when.

Like ranting on here, but much more private! xx

Thanks zany and mouse,

Yes, I did feel that night that wine would paper over my cracks, so to speak, but of course only made me feel worse, not at the time though .

DH is better at the moment, in fact fine, apart from being desperately worried that I'm unhappy, bless him. He really is the most lovely person, and I am very hard to live with, I know. He is so straightforward, and decent, and just wants a quiet life, I keep resolving to live in the quiet life too, but horribly, ungratefully, I want more than that

I wouldn't go to counselling, for the same reasons that I won't go to AA, shame, embarrassment, because I am so lucky in so many ways, I shouldn't even be thinking I have any problems, or should be able to sort them, pronto!.

Ok, thankyou so much for this last hour, I wish I had posted before, I should have known that you wouldn't mind me talking about myself.

Anyway, this will pass. I'm dropping the subject now. Normal service to be resumed .
Much love to all xxxx

hi thurso sorry to hear things are feeling rubbish. My dp is not very emotional so he seems able just to go along on an even keel, whereas I am much more prone to analyse how things are going and notice - bith when they're feeling good, but also when we feel distant.

A few years ago I thought we'd grwon apart and I felt I had 2 choices. I chose what I called my 'deliberate love strategy' where I decided that irrespective of how I felt I would do things that I knew my dp would like - so I'd deliberately fill the car with petrol if I knew he was going to use it, I sent him a lovely humerous post-card when I was away on business, I'd make him a cup of tea when he got home from work, I bought him a magazine I knew he would like. I can't say whether it made him any different but it made me feel more loving towards him.

I was also reading a book recently by Professor Richard Wiseman who (based on scientific evidence) showed that things that mimic the 'falling in love' feeling when your heart is racing, can make you more attracted to the other person. So if you and dh go on a roller-coaster ride or watch an exciting film, your heart rate increases and it makes your body feel more as though it is falling in love, irrespective of your initial emotional state. He also suggested increasing intimacy through sharing personal information such as 'if you were hosting an imaginary dinner party and could invite anyone who ever lived, who would you ask' or 'which would you prefer being invisible or being able to fly' or finding out whether you know the answers to the following list of questions (about your partner) (do it seperately about each other and then compare answers):

• which kind of film would they rather watch horror, comedy, action, drama?
• What was their first job
• which of these sports would they prefer to watch on tv: snooker, rugby, boxing, athletics?
• where were they born
• Which classic book would they prefer - Moby Dick, A Tale of 2 Cities, A room with a View, Frankenstien?
• what is the first name of their closest friend
• what kind of holiday would they like best - skiiing, beach, city, walking?
• which of the following would they like to meet - hilter, JFKennedy, Gandhi, Churchill?
• what colour exectly are you partners eyes?

Apparently to check the answer to the last question you might have to examine each others eyes - it doesn't matter if you're not staring lovingly into them, just the close looking increases closeness.

Apparantly all the above can help a tired relationship as much as counselling. (Disclaimer from venus here: I'm not suggesting that counselling isn't good, especially if there's a specific issue, but sometimes it can just be so wearing and tiring, whereas all the above are things that you can actually do).

thurso don't be silly, I have the perfect live to those looking in, two great kids, lovely house, car, can afford to work part time. All looks idyllic - but it doesn't stop me from suffering from alcoholism, or at times depression.

I felt the same way as you, why should I burden other people with my seemingly insignificant problems, but they are real to me, and can affect me, and you know what - YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth looking after yourself, and your problems are just as important as anyone elses.

Therein ends the lecture

and venus swoops in with the amazingly wise words!!

"I wouldn't go to counselling, for the same reasons that I won't go to AA, shame, embarrassment, because I am so lucky in so many ways, I shouldn't even be thinking I have any problems, or should be able to sort them, pronto!"

Thurso

If you don't want to go to AA (or, for that matter, counselling) then of course you don't have to - but please, PLEASE don't let these reasons keep you away if you think that it might otherwise do you good. Shame and embarrassment only become activated if someone not intimately involved (i.e. in this case, someone apart from a counsellor or a fellow AA member) knows about whatever it is; and so what if you are lucky in other ways? No one's suggesting you go to Otherways Anonymous (the same reasoning, again, holds true for counselling.)

If it's not for you, it's not for you - but it might do you good, so please don't talk yourself out of it on spurious grounds.

Right that is it. I am jumping on the bus.

hey there truth!

Hello. Spent too much time lurking. time to join I think. Followed this from the start of the first thread. Knew I would join - disappointed that it wasn't sooner.

Thanks again, you lovely lot

Crikey, Venus, I should write a book maybe!, or get DH to read that one..because the lastish straw one night was when I thought, I won't be heavy, just lighten up, and asked DH what his fave pizza was!!! He said he couldn't think, and looked really irritated. In the past I have asked him where he would most like to travel to, just us, when DC2 goes to uni, and what he would do if we won 10 million pounds. He just looks at me .

I have even stopped reading my books, so that we can watch TV together, in case he thought I was blocking him out, by going into my book world, and..(major sacrifice) have stopped playing my music while I'm upstairs because he looks on me rather dadlike when I come down, when I've been dancing around.

I'll get over it

Hello Truth
Welcome, hope I haven't put you off

Hello Thurso
no you haven't put me off
Just feel as though I am on a slippery slope and with my family history I really need to nip it in the bud.
Need to make a phonecall this evening re tax credits that are owed to me (I've put it off for 5months because I dread talking to someone) so am having some dutch courage but it is stupid because logically I have no reason to be worried. I'm always like this about anything "official"
But if you met me you would think I was the most confident sorted person. I'm the one who is there for everyone and runs around after people but when it comes to grown up stuff I freeze and can't cope.
Sorry didn't mean to drone on.

Hello Truth I'm new here too.

Thurso I'm having relationship problems aswell. I am difficult to live with at the moment, but thankfully my OH works away sometimes, so it gives me time to get my head together. I miss him dreadfully when he is away. I love him so much. But sometimes I can be so awkward. I know that I'm annoying him with my irritating ways, but can't seem to help it. I sometimes watch him when he is sleeping and feel the most awful hatred of myself. Because afterall, we are one whole in two separate parts, bringing up our children together. I have absolutely no right to ruin his life as well as my own. I always say that I'm going to try harder and I do try.

No drinking tonight. I've got my lemon feel good juice (in a wine glass)

truth totally get that - bank has just stuck me in my overdraft on an account. I KNOW that this is their fault, and yet I have palpitations about phoning!? However I did it about 45 mins ago and they were absolutely fine, so what the hell was I getting myself in a state for! Ridiculous girl that I am.

Glad to have you aboard.

daisy good on you, I avoided shops like the plague for ages after stopping, and I most certainly could not have gone in after work and just bought fruit juice.
I have also found that my moods have seriously improved since stopping, (I am also popping multivitamns, cod liver oil, fish liver oil and evening oil of primrose - so one of them might be helping ).

I am just more level, I don't have the dramatic swings and fluctuations of moods that I was having, and was completely incapable of controlling, even when I knew that I was being an irrational bitch .

but its my own fault. I had a baby 9 months ago. I informed tax credits. But didn't apply for the extra child benefit. So tax credit stopped. Now I have informed Child benefit. All I have to do is tell tax credit people my details. I've lost over £500 by procrastinating but still I can't make myself phone them. I feel like a child.
Stupid thing is my DH and all my friends come to me with all their problems and think I have all the answers. None of them know how I feel.

evening all! , just a quick pop-in before the ladies arrive for meeting - we are growing in number every week and will be in a position to look for premises soon!

have had an absloute shite day - just as i thought we were on an even keel, we have lost another bloody fucking buggery account , so work is right fucked up at teh moment, may well have to lose 2 people, which makes me feel sick (i really have never known it to be so hard to keep the business floating!) - dd has been told she has glandular fever , lump to be looked at next week (i feel that the 2 are related, but the poor little bugger is in bits!) and im generally feeling a bit bleedin pissed off!

what i wont be doing is drinking on it - the situation is bad enough without me being pissed and stupid!

sorry for that little rant!, i will get over myself in a bit!

thurso - much love to you!!

see you later babes!

oh, btw, hello truth and daisy!, nice to have you aboard

as you can see, being sober does not stop the shit from happening, it does make it an awful lot easier to cope with though!

yep, I wear the same t-shirt, feel incapable of lifting the phone, when its for me!

I had to tell my mum, to phone and nag me.
I had to get my sister to come and deal with bank statements last month because I was incapable of doing it myself.

I have a good job, where I have alot of responsibility, people really trust that I can do things like this, but I balk at it.
I have bribed myself with chocolate to phone today.
It's really quite pathetic, and anybody that knows me would not recognise this in me at all.
And I would be the first person telling people to pull themselves together about making these type of calls.

When I look at it logically, I think that it is to do with my self esteem. I don't feel that I am worth the effort, or that I will phone and they will just verify what I think I actually believe (that I am a fraud and not worth it).
Does that ring any bells with you.

Oh, and it is self perpetuating, the longer I don't deal with something - the bigger the failure I am, and I then am worth even less! crazy crazy self talk that goes on in my head.

truth - please please change your name to something more positive.

It will help you to move forward with what you want to achieve.

JWN

Shit, sorry to hear of your bad times re the business. DH has his own business so when times are slow/bad/quiet, it chills me to my core to wonder how we'll survive.

And, I have to agree with you re DD's lump.

HUGE hugs to you lady xxx

Slowly catching up with the rest of you....

jwn sorry you have had such a bad time! in my prayers.