"it was a direct response to a comment by one poster only, who wrote that it made him happy when i was posting while drinking because it reminded him that he wasn't! perhaps I misinterpreted it but imagine if someone posted to say that their DP had been diagnosed with cancer, and someone responded that this news made them happy because their DP didn't!"
Yes, you did misinterpret it.
Firstly, we're not talking about cancer, are we? We're talking about drinking. i've never yet heard of anyone choosing to have cancer.
Second, I think a lot depends on the spin you put on things. Of course if someone said they were happy someone else had cancer that would make them an awful person. But if I posted and said, "your saying you have cancer makes me realise how lucky I am - there but for the grace of God go I" it might be insensitive and maybe best kept private, but I doubt anyone would find it smug or cruel. In fact, I bet a lot of people on here have said exactly that to themselves when they hear about someone else being very ill or having a tough life - "it makes me realise how lucky we are."
For the record, now that I'm typing, I wouldn't mind using this opportunity to talk a bit about my own drinking, because i was thinking about this last night in a meeting (Clapham Sunday, very nice if anyone's interested, and excellent biscuits.)
I spent my first year in "recovery" stopping drinking, getting better, and then starting drinking again. Each time it was a slow and gradual slope up; and then a sudden and painful drop down. And each time - I want to underline that I am only speaking for myself here, no one else - I had an excellent reason for drinking.
What I eventually realised - and, my God, it was eventual, and it was needlessly protracted and painful - was that, when I drink, the ONLY person who gets "paid back" or "taught a lesson" is ME. My girlfirend leaves me? I'm sad. I'll drink. The next day, I am the one who is broke and hungover and my now ex-girlfriend - if she is even aware I have drunk - is no closer to coming back to me than she was last night. In fact, I have reinforced her decision to pack me in.
Every time I went back to AA - which I personally did, purely because I didn't have a better idea - people were more than helpful. I mean, they GENUINELY wanted to help me. They gave me lifts to meetings; they gave me phone numbers in case I needed to talk; they made me tea; on one occasion, someone even rolled my cigarettes for me because i was too drunk and my hands were shaking too badly. And, every time I crawled back, they welcomed me. Not once did they condemn me for drinking again or tell me I wasn't wanted.
But they couldn't STOP me drinking, especially when I stopped going to meetings. There were no magic words that anyone could say that would keep me away from drinks during the hard times. And i HAVE had hard times in sobriety, like relationship break-ups; watching my partner go through two incredibly difficult births; thinking (wrongly, I'm glad to say) that my eldest daughter was going to die when she was nearly 1 year old; losing jobs; and two career changes. And the reason I have not drunk is not because I have an easy life, and not because someone has waved a magic wand over me so I never need to drink again; it is the awareness of three facts.
- once i am off the drinking conveyor belt, I have a choice about whether to pick up the first drink
- if I do pick up the drink, I will suffer (so will others, but I must remember that I am the only one who can't walk away from me)
- contrary to what I once believed, alcohol is not one of the major food groups and I can funxction without it; and I know this because I've seen other people do the same.
I'm not really sure why I've typed all this; I don't know who it's relevant to, still less if it will help anyone.
But it's helped me and that's why I go to meetings and that's why I come here too. Selfish and self-centred? You bet. Smug? No way. I remember too well what I was like and it really wasn't pretty.