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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My sister's DH tried to get her to have an abortion at 23 weeks

138 replies

motorway · 11/02/2011 11:15

I've name changed for this but I feel a bit deja vu because I posted about almost exactly the same thing a copule of years ago.

My sister's DH has been married before and already has teenaged children. Before they got married they had quite a lot of conversations/arguements about her wanting children and him not wanting any more. She (stupidly/naively) 'forgot' to take the pill and got pregnant. This resulted in loads of rows, and eventually he persuaded her to have a termination at 18 weeks. Amongst his arguments were him being too old, it not being fair on his existing children (even though they have a half sister with their mum and they love her to bits), they can't afford it (even though they both have very good jobs and end up with £1000 per month disposable income AFTER all the bills, mortgage, ex wife payments, etc have been paid). But the money is beside the point, it basically boiled down to him not wanting any more children. I posted about this at the time because she has such a horrible time, and went through with the termination because she was scared of bringing up a child on her own. I was the only person she told so I've had to keep that secret since. Part of him convincing her that a termination would be the best idea was him saying that once they were married he might change his mind about having more kids. Hmm

Anyway, they got married, and seemed fine but she phoned me last week and said she's pregnant again - 24 weeks gone! I was excited for her but she burst into tears saying that her DH hates her for becoming pregnant again, he has three times convinced her to book an appointment for another termination, but three times saw how upset she was at the thought of it and they didn't go. But then he booked her another appt at 23 weeks and took her there. She had 50 minutes of counselling, during which time she said she could feel the baby kicking. She has also in the meantime been going to antenatal appointments and had even found out the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan. Her DH hadn't gone with her to any appointments and refused to even look at the scan photo.

Anyway, quite rightly the counsellor said she definitely couldn't go through with a termination so they went home and her DH kept shouting at her saying she's ruined his life, wished he had never met her, etc. Part of me understands how he much feel cheated because he's had his kids, and now he's got his own lifestyle where he can go out all the time, go on lots of holidays, etc - he's also a very anxious person and is always tidying up - I think he may have mild OCD - so the thought of a baby 'messing that up' would probably really stress him out. But its happened, his wife is pregnant, they are both healthy, well off, etc so he needs to deal with it, and how he's treated my sister is shocking I think.

I asked her why she had kept the pregnancy secret for so long - they've known since October and she said she daren't tell anyone because she didn't want to end up with everyone slagging off her DH.

I know she was very stupid and not fair on him to 'forget' her pill twice as she knew he didn't really want a baby (this time she thought as they were married it wouldn't matter - she still should have told him she'd missed a pill). But how he's treated her since has, in my opinion, amounted to emotional abuse/bullying. I don't think they should stay together - they disagree on one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Anyway, I spoke to her this morning and I offered to go with her to tell our parents - she was nervous of telling them of her own because they would wonder why she had kept it secret so long and would get really upset. But she said this morning that her DH has suggested they both tell them together. I think this is so she can't tell them what he's been like. She's also said that he doesn't know that she's told me and she's going to 'tell me' at the weekend and I have to act surprised as though I didn't know. I'm guessing so that he can put on a happy face and pretend he's fine with it. I want our parents to know what she's been going through because I think they might be able to better convince her that her DH is being a bully. But that would be betraying her confidence and should I just stay out of it?

Thanks for reading if you've got through all that!

OP posts:
NoWayNoHow · 11/02/2011 11:22

This is such a difficult situatino for you as you clearly feel very protective over your sister, as I would too.

However, there are a couple of things to consider here: your BIL wanting to (a) be there when your sister tells your parents and also (b) wanting to be the one to tell you seems to suggest that he has made some kind of peace with this.

The fact that he's putting on a happy face would make me think that while he may not inwardly be pleased about this, he's clearly willing to make the effort with your family and show his wife that he's behind this.

If your sister chooses to let your parents know about what's been going on, then she will do so. I don't, at this stage with the situation as it currently is, think that it's your place to stir up what may now be past emotions.

Just my opinion.

AlfalfaMum · 11/02/2011 11:24

Your poor sister.
He sounds like a fucking arsehole. Is there a big age difference?
I would want to tell your parents too, even if she gets pissed off she will know you have her best interests at heart.

knitpicker · 11/02/2011 11:25

I think you sister just wants to confide in you and a sympathetic ear. However, I think you're in danger of becoming too involved. Absolutely right her DH is angry, however if he felt so strongly he should have toddled off and had the snip (my dh did at age 33). WHat's done is done and he will probably be delighted when baby arrives and all of this will be forgotten. Absolutely play along with her announcing the pg and pretend to be delighted for them both then put their argument out of your head and never mention it to your parents

RealityIsKnockedUp · 11/02/2011 11:25

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knitpicker · 11/02/2011 11:27

Cross-posts, totally agree with nowayhow . Alfalfamum seriously? Do you have sisters?

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 11:27

I remember that thread!

Even then, I think I posted to leave this twat, but of course, she didn't.

If he never wanted any more children he should have had a vasectomy.

He's a cunt. An abusive one.

TobyLerone · 11/02/2011 11:28

He does sound like a total arse and not a nice person at all.

But your sister did trick him into getting her pregnant. Twice.

This relationship sounds FUBAR in the extreme.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 11:28

Like Reality, I wouldn't be able to contain myself.

I'd kick him in the nads wearing boots and then when he was on teh ground I'd kick him some more.

coldtits · 11/02/2011 11:29

If he so badly didn'y want a baby, he should have been sterilised. He's treating your sister abomnably.

i wouldn't let him come with her, it sounds to me like he's known he's been a cunt and doesn't want word getting out.

FoghornLeghorn · 11/02/2011 11:29

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RealityIsKnockedUp · 11/02/2011 11:31

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ZacharyQuack · 11/02/2011 11:31

I'd give the fucker a vasectomy myself.

knitpicker · 11/02/2011 11:33

Guys - he has done nothing abusive exept get upset at the prospect of his/ their life getting thrown off-course by an unplanned arrival. It's a really big deal for men and if he has teenage children they need a lot of support and watching - it's going to be hard to be there for them if he is distracted/ exhausted by a new baby. Also, the op hints at a bit of mental fragility - stress/ ocd. I feel really sorry for this poor man and I say this as a woman who was in a very similar position to the op's sister.

TobyLerone · 11/02/2011 11:35

FFS she did not 'forget' her pill twice. I wouldn't mind betting that she'd deny it until she was blue in the face, but she's expressed her desire to have children, she knew he was dead against it, so she probably took matters into her own hands.

This doesn't change the fact that the man is clearly a cunt, and yes, he should have had a vasectomy if he was that against it, but I think he has a right to be angry. He does not have a right to try to force her to have an abortion, obviously, and I am not in any way trying to be some kind of 'abuse-apologist', but I think the sister has to shoulder some of the responsibility for this.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 11/02/2011 11:36

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Decorhate · 11/02/2011 11:38

It's difficult isn't it?

Yes he should have taken responsibility for his own family planning if he didn't want any more kids and had the snip. But obv your sister has not really played fair either.

Don't remember your older thread but it sounds like they really should have split up two years ago...Why do you think they stayed together? (I don't go for the "but I really love him" thing, doesn't count for anything if you don't both want the same thing...)

I agree with those who've said maybe he is trying to make the best of it now, so I would play along with not knowing, etc. I don't see the point of saying anything to your parents right now...

The best thing you can do is be supportive of your sister. You will just have to wait and see how things pan out once the baby arrives. he wouldn't be the first man to react badly to an unplanned pregnancy & turn out to be a great dad in the end!

motorway · 11/02/2011 11:41

Expat - I remember you on the thread before, I think you agreed with me thinking he was a controlling twat not right for my sister then too Smile

I find it really helpful to read all these comments and everyone else's opinion - I'm too close to it and have seen how upset my sister is so my gut feeling is that I want everyone to know how he's been treating her for the last five months. He's very good at putting on a show and one of his worries last time it happened was 'what will everyone think if you're pregnant at the wedding' - he seems to think about how people see him and his material things more than he thinks about how my sister feels. But I genuinely think they love each other, and I agree if he's coming round to the idea they might be happy once the baby arrives.

But if he can spend evenings shouting at her about how she's ruined his life and they will be destitute Hmm because she'll have to take six months off work I worry that when the baby is crying in the night and he's tired, or when the baby is sick in his immaculate car he's going to resent the baby and my sister. I know me and DP have been through tough times when our DCs were babies - it is bloody hard work. If one person isn't completely on board is it going to end up with my sister doing all the work and him saying something along the lines of 'you wanted this baby you deal with it'?

OP posts:
knitpicker · 11/02/2011 11:49

My DH absolutely didn't want our third child. We were broke and living in a two-up, two-down. He made me see a doctor about having an abortion. He was beside himself with worry and there was a lot of shouting. WHen baby arrived he begged me never to mention again the way he behaved. Our little girl is the image of him and of his mum - he absolutely dotes on her. He is a great dad. I am just really shocked at some of the responses zacharyquark I'm looking at you. Essentially this is none of the op's business, she is being an interfering sister who wants to run telling tales to their parents so she can be the 'good girl'. There is not one shred of compassion for her BIL in all of this. I didn't see the other thread which may be colouring people's opinions.

ZacharyQuack · 11/02/2011 11:55

knitpicker I don't have a lot of compassion for someone who tries to force his wife to abort a 23 week baby, no.

knitpicker · 11/02/2011 11:58

Nobody can force a woman to have an abortion at 23 weeks - it would have to be done in a hospital. I think it shows how desperately he felt about the whole thing.

coldtits · 11/02/2011 12:03

If he felt that desperatly, he'd have had a vasectomy.

knitpicker · 11/02/2011 12:06

I agree he should have had a vasectomy

SoupDragon · 11/02/2011 12:06

"Guys - he has done nothing abusive exept get upset at the prospect of his/ their life getting thrown off-course by an unplanned arrival"

He apparently frogmarched her to an abortion clinic at 23 weeks pregnant. That is abusive.

Clearly both are to blame for the pregnancy - him for not having the snip and her for "forgetting" her pill but only he is to blame for his abhorrent behaviour.

No, I have no compassion for the BIL. He does not deserve it now.

I wouldn't tell your parents that he is a nasty bully. That is betraying your sister's confidence. All you can do is be there for her. She will be more likely to coonfide in you or ask for help in the future if she knows she can trust you not to blab.

SoupDragon · 11/02/2011 12:08

"Nobody can force a woman to have an abortion at 23 weeks"

I think you are underestimating the power a bully has over someone who is vulnerable.

RMCW · 11/02/2011 12:10

If he really didnt want more kids why didnt he have the snip fgs???

And she has basically got pg on purpose twice!

I think they are both idiots.