My sister's DH tried to get her to have an abortion at 23 weeks

[motorway]

I've name changed for this but I feel a bit deja vu because I posted about almost exactly the same thing a copule of years ago.

My sister's DH has been married before and already has teenaged children. Before they got married they had quite a lot of conversations/arguements about her wanting children and him not wanting any more. She (stupidly/naively) 'forgot' to take the pill and got pregnant. This resulted in loads of rows, and eventually he persuaded her to have a termination at 18 weeks. Amongst his arguments were him being too old, it not being fair on his existing children (even though they have a half sister with their mum and they love her to bits), they can't afford it (even though they both have very good jobs and end up with £1000 per month disposable income AFTER all the bills, mortgage, ex wife payments, etc have been paid). But the money is beside the point, it basically boiled down to him not wanting any more children. I posted about this at the time because she has such a horrible time, and went through with the termination because she was scared of bringing up a child on her own. I was the only person she told so I've had to keep that secret since. Part of him convincing her that a termination would be the best idea was him saying that once they were married he might change his mind about having more kids.

Anyway, they got married, and seemed fine but she phoned me last week and said she's pregnant again - 24 weeks gone! I was excited for her but she burst into tears saying that her DH hates her for becoming pregnant again, he has three times convinced her to book an appointment for another termination, but three times saw how upset she was at the thought of it and they didn't go. But then he booked her another appt at 23 weeks and took her there. She had 50 minutes of counselling, during which time she said she could feel the baby kicking. She has also in the meantime been going to antenatal appointments and had even found out the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan. Her DH hadn't gone with her to any appointments and refused to even look at the scan photo.

Anyway, quite rightly the counsellor said she definitely couldn't go through with a termination so they went home and her DH kept shouting at her saying she's ruined his life, wished he had never met her, etc. Part of me understands how he much feel cheated because he's had his kids, and now he's got his own lifestyle where he can go out all the time, go on lots of holidays, etc - he's also a very anxious person and is always tidying up - I think he may have mild OCD - so the thought of a baby 'messing that up' would probably really stress him out. But its happened, his wife is pregnant, they are both healthy, well off, etc so he needs to deal with it, and how he's treated my sister is shocking I think.

I asked her why she had kept the pregnancy secret for so long - they've known since October and she said she daren't tell anyone because she didn't want to end up with everyone slagging off her DH.

I know she was very stupid and not fair on him to 'forget' her pill twice as she knew he didn't really want a baby (this time she thought as they were married it wouldn't matter - she still should have told him she'd missed a pill). But how he's treated her since has, in my opinion, amounted to emotional abuse/bullying. I don't think they should stay together - they disagree on one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Anyway, I spoke to her this morning and I offered to go with her to tell our parents - she was nervous of telling them of her own because they would wonder why she had kept it secret so long and would get really upset. But she said this morning that her DH has suggested they both tell them together. I think this is so she can't tell them what he's been like. She's also said that he doesn't know that she's told me and she's going to 'tell me' at the weekend and I have to act surprised as though I didn't know. I'm guessing so that he can put on a happy face and pretend he's fine with it. I want our parents to know what she's been going through because I think they might be able to better convince her that her DH is being a bully. But that would be betraying her confidence and should I just stay out of it?

Thanks for reading if you've got through all that!

Hi motorway, glad you found it helpful to talk to your parents. Given what you said a few posts ago about not living close enough to your sister to visit MW with her /engineer her telling your parents, it's probably the only way forward. Relieved to hear that they've taken your concerns seriously- and bless your mum, telling you not to worry because that's her job! You sound like a lovely family, and I'm sure your sister is comforted by your support, even though she can't show it. Hope things work out for the best.

motorway, this is great news, not only because you can share the burden of your knowledge, but also because your sister will have a larger circle of help if things go wrong. I am very happy for you :)

Going back to a comment you made before, you don't need to assume your BIL has OCD or any other kind of disorder to try to explain why he was so adamant he did not want children. Some people just don't want them, and there is nothing wrong with that. I, for instance, love playing with other people's kids and babies, and I am considered the "cool aunt" of all my friends' kids. However, I completely lack the desire to have my own kids. But same as the other poster who told you she had OCD and was not an aggressive bully, neither I am. Your BIL is a bully regardless of his parental choices.

He may have completely changed his mind about it and it may be absolutely genuine. If I were you I would give him the benefit of hte doubt and celebrate. At the same time, hold it in the back ofyour mind and keep an eye on her and him.

We all know how hard life it with a newborn and that will be a really trying time for them both. It is like it will push him over the edge if he's just putting it on now. Try to keep as close to your sis as you can. At least your mum now has an excuse to call her, visit her etc a lot, and she knows what to look out for.

Don't forget, though, that this could be a happy ending!

I doubt that somehow, Jux. He is also controlling in lots of other ways. Men like that don't change.

I know, I doubt it too. Though it may help your sister if you feign belief in his transformation for now.

I've spoken to my sister this morning (can only speak to her during the week at work because he reads her texts) and she said he seems to have completely changed his opinion on the pregnancy now and has apologised for how horrible he's been.

I can't get my head around how he can change his mind so dramatically in just a few days, especially as he is quite a controlling person, but maybe he feels he now is in control - if he accepts it he can influence choice of what they buy for the baby, name the baby, etc.

I've just been reading about the cycle of abuse and he does seem to fit into this pattern.

She seems to have forgiven him very readily, but that could be because she is just tired of all the confrontation and arguments over the last few months.

She thinks everything is fine now, so I guess me and my parents will just act as though everything is fine too and be there for her if anything else happens.

This is awful

she should get rid and fast

I hope you mean the husband and not the baby?

motorway, tell your dsis to be very careful. Someone who monitors their partner's texts can also be capable of monitoring their phone calls.

I feel so sorry for this poor child.

Your sister and this BIL both have some serious issues and problems. She enables him, but also lied about taking the Pill in order to fall pregnant at least once to bring a baby into the world with an abuser.
He's an abuser.

But to visit all this on an innocent baby is a travesty.

Well done motor that was a tough decision to make. I think you did the right thing fwiw, but it was not clear cut.

Your Mum sounds great, so your sister is lucky to have you all looking out for her.

I think now that's she's got what she's wanted for years (the baby, the man) there is no way she's going to do anything to protect herself from her husband.

I doubt you'll even get any sense from her and she will be happy to pretend everything is hunky dory and she's got her "happy ending".

She sounds like she has some quite serious issues herself, I agree with expat. Whether they are from years of living with an abuser or she tends towards the delusional I can't say.

All you can do is keep an eye on things and hope that this conversion to wanting the baby is genuine. Even if it is, that's very far from a happy ending. Growing up with parents like that does not sound a happy life for a child :(

Your sister has a better friend in you than she does in her husband. She should do what feels right to her - in body, mind and soul - and then she will find the strenght to be able to be herself and like herself - even in the face of harsh times if the marital relationship doesn't work out.

She has a better friend in you than she does in her husband. She should do what feels right to her, listening to body, mind and soul and then she will have the confidence to be herself and like herself far more than if she is living her life how someone else wants her to.