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Original poster

My sister's DH tried to get her to have an abortion at 23 weeks

138 replies

motorway · 11/02/2011 11:15

I've name changed for this but I feel a bit deja vu because I posted about almost exactly the same thing a copule of years ago.

My sister's DH has been married before and already has teenaged children. Before they got married they had quite a lot of conversations/arguements about her wanting children and him not wanting any more. She (stupidly/naively) 'forgot' to take the pill and got pregnant. This resulted in loads of rows, and eventually he persuaded her to have a termination at 18 weeks. Amongst his arguments were him being too old, it not being fair on his existing children (even though they have a half sister with their mum and they love her to bits), they can't afford it (even though they both have very good jobs and end up with £1000 per month disposable income AFTER all the bills, mortgage, ex wife payments, etc have been paid). But the money is beside the point, it basically boiled down to him not wanting any more children. I posted about this at the time because she has such a horrible time, and went through with the termination because she was scared of bringing up a child on her own. I was the only person she told so I've had to keep that secret since. Part of him convincing her that a termination would be the best idea was him saying that once they were married he might change his mind about having more kids. Hmm

Anyway, they got married, and seemed fine but she phoned me last week and said she's pregnant again - 24 weeks gone! I was excited for her but she burst into tears saying that her DH hates her for becoming pregnant again, he has three times convinced her to book an appointment for another termination, but three times saw how upset she was at the thought of it and they didn't go. But then he booked her another appt at 23 weeks and took her there. She had 50 minutes of counselling, during which time she said she could feel the baby kicking. She has also in the meantime been going to antenatal appointments and had even found out the sex of the baby at the 20 week scan. Her DH hadn't gone with her to any appointments and refused to even look at the scan photo.

Anyway, quite rightly the counsellor said she definitely couldn't go through with a termination so they went home and her DH kept shouting at her saying she's ruined his life, wished he had never met her, etc. Part of me understands how he much feel cheated because he's had his kids, and now he's got his own lifestyle where he can go out all the time, go on lots of holidays, etc - he's also a very anxious person and is always tidying up - I think he may have mild OCD - so the thought of a baby 'messing that up' would probably really stress him out. But its happened, his wife is pregnant, they are both healthy, well off, etc so he needs to deal with it, and how he's treated my sister is shocking I think.

I asked her why she had kept the pregnancy secret for so long - they've known since October and she said she daren't tell anyone because she didn't want to end up with everyone slagging off her DH.

I know she was very stupid and not fair on him to 'forget' her pill twice as she knew he didn't really want a baby (this time she thought as they were married it wouldn't matter - she still should have told him she'd missed a pill). But how he's treated her since has, in my opinion, amounted to emotional abuse/bullying. I don't think they should stay together - they disagree on one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Anyway, I spoke to her this morning and I offered to go with her to tell our parents - she was nervous of telling them of her own because they would wonder why she had kept it secret so long and would get really upset. But she said this morning that her DH has suggested they both tell them together. I think this is so she can't tell them what he's been like. She's also said that he doesn't know that she's told me and she's going to 'tell me' at the weekend and I have to act surprised as though I didn't know. I'm guessing so that he can put on a happy face and pretend he's fine with it. I want our parents to know what she's been going through because I think they might be able to better convince her that her DH is being a bully. But that would be betraying her confidence and should I just stay out of it?

Thanks for reading if you've got through all that!

OP posts:
YeahBut · 11/02/2011 14:23

Well, he sounds like the sort of chap who,if you were to "interfere" and make him look bad, would pressurise your sister into cutting you out of her life. He's a controlling, emotionally abusive bully and your sister isn't at a point where she can push back against that. She's desperate for it all to work out and be the fairytale family.
I don't think it will. I think this situation is bound to implode sooner or later. I think it would be best for your sister if you were still able to be a part of her life when this happens, even if it does go against your instincts not to hold this man accountable for his actions.

Crawling · 11/02/2011 14:27

I dont like the sound of him but I think he would push you out if you kicked off. I would stay quiet but let your sister know that no matter what happens you will be there for her.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 14:29

'He made me see a doctor about having an abortion.'

Then it's a very good thing he's married to you and not someone with a self-esteem.

And if my daughter marries such a twunt, I'd like to know, I'll probably figure it out anyhow, so I can start considering The Texas Solution for such a bastard.

Most people don't remember the OP's first thread.

He spent months bullying her and emotionally abusing her into having an abortion at 18 weeks two years ago.

She should have left him then, but she's an abused woman.

Sorry, if it's 'interfering', but if it were my sister I'd blow the lid on this cunt because it would be too much to refrain from opening up a tin of whoop ass on him bad.

I'd tell her before I did it, though.

And yes, grumpypant, if YOU don't ever want any children, then you get sterilised.

It takes about 15 minutes. It's hardly major surgery.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 14:30

True, YeahBut. This is my worst nightmare, because if my daughters wind up with a person like this, I'll be posting on MN from prison.

Crawling · 11/02/2011 14:35

When is the cut off point for termination?

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 14:36

24 weeks.

Unless the child is disabled or other extenuating circumstances.

FoghornLeghorn · 11/02/2011 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Crawling · 11/02/2011 14:39

Thanks expat that is something at least he cant force her to terminate this one now, though not through lack of trying it would seem.

NicknameTaken · 11/02/2011 14:41

I'm also bothered that he reads text messages that she would prefer to keep private. Not a very healthy dynamic between the two of them, to say the least. If it were me, I would be inclined to remind her that she still has the option to have the baby without him.

feistychickfightingthebull · 11/02/2011 14:42

He is being a twat, but on the other hand he probably feels betrayed by your sister conveniently trapping him into having more children when she knew full well that he did not want anymore.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 14:51

I do feel for her, though. Imagine having such a low self-esteem you feel so desperate as to have a baby with such a twat, like that's the best you'll ever get.

That's so sad.

spidookly · 11/02/2011 14:51

I also remember your other thread and have often wondered how your sister was doing. It was probably the saddest thread I have ever read on MN.

Fuck her "tricking" him. He tricked her into aborting a baby she wanted at 18 weeks by promising they could have children once they were married and the time was right.

He also used every bullying and manipulative line in the book. It was so obvious he was lying about future children.

I always assumed he would have dumped her once the inconvenient spawn was removed from the equation, but what he did was even worse - he wanted to keep her around and deny her the chance to ever be a mother.

He is an evil, selfish toerag.

You should absolutely tell your parents about this. It's so unbelievably fucked up. You need to get your sister and her baby away from this man.

Clytaemnestra · 11/02/2011 14:52

"if YOU don't ever want any children, then you get sterilised."

Sorry, has he said absolutely no way no how never? Or has he said not yet? Because if maybe he genuinely did think at some point that he could change his mind then he shouldn't have a vasectomy. I don't want any more children I don't think, but I'm not 100% sure, if DH tricked me into getting pregnant on two seperate occasions by DELIBERATELY mucking up our agreed method of contraception I would be devestated at the betrayal and have an abortion, even if he begged me not to.

Maybe he would have come round to the idea, but your sister has forced his hand, twice. Regardless of the abortion issue, she has betrayed him and lied to him TWICE. If a man did that to me I would hate them.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 14:54

'If a man did that to me I would hate them.'

But he married her.

Clytaemnestra · 11/02/2011 15:03

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Maybe he forgave her and believed she wouldn't do it to him again.

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/02/2011 15:34

Sorry - I know this isn't really the point of the thread, but it makes me furious when men don't take responsibility for their fertility then bitch and whine when a pregnancy occurs. I'd be quite happy to get pregnant, hence I'd be happy to rely on withdrawal. When I was younger and did not want to get pregnant I used something I knew I could rely on - the pill.

My DH does not want me to get pregnant so he uses condoms. That way he can be sure that he is doing everything possible to prevent a pregnancy. If he wanted no more children ever then I would expect him to get himself fixed, as I would if it were me who didn't ever want anymore children.

If a man is so adamant that he wants no children, to the extent that he would bully his partner into a late term abortion, then he should make sure he's not impregnating her by using a method he can control such as condoms.

She was wrong to lie to him about taking the pill, but it was his fault that he left the contraceptive responsibility to her and didn't take responsibility himself.

SkipToTheEnd · 11/02/2011 16:11

OP - I feel for you and your sister.

The thing is, it may be important to her that know one else knows about H's reaction to this baby because she can't deal with everyone thinking bad of her/him. She may be scared of how your parents will react and the thought of yet more confrontation after the last few months he's put her through may be too much to bear. She may also feel a little ashamed - like she's bought this on herself by getting pregnant. I'm not saying this is right - just that these may be reasons behind her wanting to keep things from others.

She obviously trusts you a great deal to have confided in you against his wishes and for that reason I think you should stay silent about it. She needs one person she can trust completely and that is you.

You could try and talk to er about getting the support from your parents but the choice to tell them is completely hers.

Good luck.

Clytaemnestra · 11/02/2011 16:56

"If a man is so adamant that he wants no children, to the extent that he would bully his partner into a late term abortion, then he should make sure he's not impregnating her by using a method he can control such as condoms."

I disagree, I think that if a discuss and agree on a method of contraception then they should be able to agree that that is what will happen and not expect the other person to cheat them.

If the contraception had genuinely failed then that is one thing, but it didn't, she did it on purpose.

saintlyjimjams · 11/02/2011 17:03

I remember the thread. He sounded controlling then and still does. What a pity she stayed with him Sad

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 18:23

My point exactly, JJ. How sad that someone gets to the point where she feels tricking an emotionally abusive man is the best she can do.

My heart would break into a thousand pieces if this were my daughter.

I'd feel I had utterly failed her.

Before I stood on the dock to plead guilty to his murder, most likely.

sowhatis · 11/02/2011 18:34

I remember this thread from 2yrs ago aswell (was under a diff name)

i feel so sorry for your sister.

i dont think you should get involved - although like expat i would find it hard not to go round and beat him to a pulp. however to stay close to your sister - say nothing to him...................yet.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2011 18:52

you are in the right, so.

AgeingGrace · 11/02/2011 19:39

Dear lord, he moans about the house, is obsessively tidy, reads her texts, tries to control her fertility, tricks her into marriage and dictates what she can & can't tell her own sister and parents - that's all in the first half of this thread, and people are still going "He means well"?!

No, people. He's doing the 'tell the family' routine so that he can control what his wife says. He will make her life hell once the baby starts demanding all of her attention.

OP, unless you can think of something that will cause them to split immediately, you're probably stuck with watching her disappear into an obedient shadow :(

I would tell your parents, though.

AgeingGrace · 11/02/2011 19:41

Oh, another thought: I think your sister should ask his ex for advice.

NonnoMum · 11/02/2011 19:47

She needs to run a mile RIGHT NOW, and bring the baby up in love and safety. Perhaps she should talk to one of the Pro-life charities?

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