HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

< throws solost over the tanning bed and rogers her >

WWIFN: Thanks for your comments. Glad you still think I am still worth your time! Anyone else would have probably given up on me by now. I do hear you though and I also re-read your advice. I will get there eventually. Thanks for your patience - your comments are always appreciated and never ignored (even though it may appear that way )

Pete, you are my nightly tonic!!

But your epaulettes are a tad off-putting!

Don't you ever take em off??

MsPav: Thanks for your post. I understand what you are saying. Will try harder!

I would take 'em off for you

Pete - put the creosote away! you're getting solost all worked up with talk of stroking your manly woodiness with liquid protectants!

Solost - I think I said before - of course he doesn't want you to divorce him - that would be the end of his pipe dream of being able to waltz back in whenever he feels like it! and would also mean a huge amount of cost and effort for him. So what he said may have been a reaction to the D-word - not to be believed for a second, if you ask me.

Agree re. the dramatic potential of the situation as well.

So - re. your H seeing the DC elsewhere than home - are your ILs coming round to the idea of seeing him again? That would be a safe enough sort-of neutral environment, he could either meet them there or pick them up and take them there. Since your FIL will have no truck with BB it would be fairly safe to assume that the area would be BB-free, your DC would get to see their DGPs more (or if they (ILs) chose to go out, at least the environment would be familiar to the DC). Just an idea - they might not want to do it of course.

LMHF - a boozy hug eh?

I guess that's allowed on MN - just don't go getting sentimental on us or we'll be evicted to Netmums. I won't offer you anymore wine but please feel free to dip into the nibbles bowl just above my nickname (I am the sea salt flavour by the way).

" He said no, definantly not, he didnt want a divorce - it was 'too soon' and he didnt want to marry BB, in fact he couldnt see a long term future with her any more either!!!!"

Bullshit alarm went off there... That is him potentially feeding you a line, I bet he has said a ton of shit about you over all this time, and during his 2hr tete-a-tetes.. and who can forget him looking up mental breakdowns and then conveniently having one himself.... never forget that.

The little points that they never mention again, that just vanish in a puff of smoke are the points you really need to hang on to and trot out when ever you detect the distinctive aroma of Eau du Merde.

Like My H telling my friends about the 249 women he has slept with, the 'fact' that I spent 5 YEARS in a mental institution, or was banging a colleagues wife and planning on marrying her sister... He never, ever discussed it, his denial was pitiful. Whenever he is spouting shite, I bring it up, and he has literally no defence to it at all.

Ooh Pete, looks like you might be in for a couple of inches tonight.

WHAT? How could you think that? Weather! Snow... !

Argh, off to find OhYouBadBadKitten, she'll back me up...

Poors Pete a cheeky

THUMB: Going to see how Sunday goes. But have a feeling MIL/PIL may not like my suggestion - will proceed with caution, but will proceed.

Their relationship is v.fragile atm - also H's brother spends a lot of time there and has absolutely no time for H at the moment. In fact would probably punch him if they met (they havent seen each other since August) and he's not a violent person! So there would be complications - really don't think H thought of the wider implications of his actions at all.

Nah, bollocks, I hug as I see fit.. [fearless]

I swear enough to offset the fluff, and I'm really toady good at reporting posts that infringe...

Pete, go on then

LMHF: Hands off, he's mine!

Fair enough - just wondered if it might be an option. In that case, the other option is that he has to take them out somewhere - pick them up, take them to something and then drop them off again. He is entirely too comfortable with the part-time occupancy of his old home at the moment - you need to take it away from him.

LMHF - have you your own thread re. having finally ditched your own tosser, or do I just say "congratulations on being rid and ((hugs)) for the rest - and take rescue remedy for the shock" on this thread?

I'm not sure her new guise is bringing out the best in her... the esrtwhile bovvergirl prickly exterior with a heart of gold was a lot less oiled and a lot less rampant...

No, thumb, have not got own thread, thoughts WAY too jumbled for that... Thanks so much though for the wishes, really touching!

LOL, I was on the rescue remedy yesterday, think I smelt like an alky...

he'll keep

LMHF: [grins]

Night x

anybody fancy sloppy seconds ?

Hi Solo (& long term contributors); long-time lurker here. Solo, I just want to say re your ILs. While I understand their reluctance and general pissed-offedness with H, you (& the DCs) really need their support in providing a safe, comfortable space for him to see his kids without it compromising your efforts to move on from his betrayals. So yes, it might be tough and uncomfortable for them to see him, but surely no more so than it is for you?! I know you have a great relationship with them but I think you need to ask them to help you (& the DCs) in this way.

I echo what giagindi is saying. It really is time for you to make some demands of your own. Set the agenda yourself!

I wonder if your ex can?t believe his luck sometimes. Here he is continuing his ?couldn?t-help-it-but can?t-stop-it? affair while relying on your goodwill and love to enable him to retain some dignity. He really doesn?t deserve that. Your children also deserve more respect than they are getting.

OK so he?s not all bad though; but you need to have a life of your own now and not be a bit part in his ongoing drama. I do not for one moment take away the hurt and despair that you must be feeling as you had been together for a long time and have three lovely DCs.

But, he is still choosing to be with her yet continues to have some of the benefits of his previous life. Perhaps its time for you to create your own rules and make him realise that he has to work round YOUR new life. The more steps you take away from him, the better you will feel. You don?t need to worry about how he feels. It?s a big boys game this one.

Please don?t forget the legal route. I think you may be exposed while you are not taking this option.

Solo - I'm slightly concerned about you telling him you would divorce him, if he wanted and his response of 'no, not yet, it's too soon.

It really shouldn't be his decision anymore whether or not you divorce in the near future. It's up to YOU, how do YOU feel about it, would if help YOU to move on? Take back the control of that decision, it should be you deciding what is best for you re: divorce, not him deciding if it would fit his new life comfortably yet.

Re: the gifts - as WWIFN said, he is a wanker. And so is she for making the attempt. Really pleased you saw through it as quickly as you did.

Yes, his response to the divorce question was pretty damned selfish.

P.S. I think you're setting a brilliant example on this thread, Peter. Fun flirting now free from an ex who's making a big tit of herself!

you want some too, don't you plu ?