HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

inappropriate

your girls don't need "freebies"

they don't need "gifts" at all, tbh, unless it is their birthday or Xmas

your husband is being stupid again

The way things are with this whole situation - ie a number of 'versions of the truth' flying around. These so-called gifts must be declined.

As you are not party to what your Ex is saying to this other woman, you really do not have any idea what her intention is behind it nor do you know what he is saying to her about it.

The fact that he feels he needs to ask you means that you have the upper hand.

Whilst this man still lies (to both women perhaps?) and thereby keeps you dangling, you need to say 'no' and mean 'no'. I just get the feeling that he has two lives going on at the moment and someone needs to burst that bubble.

DOHA: Thanks for confirming I am not being unreasonable!

ANNIE: Your comments re her pragmatism made me smile - totally agree!

PLUPERVERT: I told him my initial reaction was that it was completely inappropriate but that I would give it some thought and text him my final decision later this evening.

He said he would respect this.

HORSES: Agree with your comments, particularily the 'creepy' one. Glad you don't think I'm overreacting or being oversensitive.

H once told me that bb had wanted to put photos of dcs in frames up on her Walls!!!!! (this was about a month after he heft FFs!!!). Completely freaked me out to the extent that I have never let h take any photos of the DCs over there.

How sick.. really. Tell him a flat NO.

Hi Pete,

Still not calmed down after last night

Glad u agree

Needed to check I wasn't being oversensitive.

Seems we are on the same wavelength!

Alldownhillnow: Thanks. Seems my initial reaction was right. Thanks for confiming it!

LMHF: I will be saying NO. I think I would have anyway. Just needed to know I was doing the right thing. Thanks x

Absolutely the right thing to refuse the gifts, but I hope you realise that he will tell the OW that despite this being a lovely gesture of hers, you are so irrational and unreasonable that you won't let the DCs have them.

Because that is what he will say, whereas you'd prefer to believe that he would tell her himself that they weren't appropriate. If he actually had scruples like that, he wouldn't have needed to phone you, would he, Solost?

Your instinct always was spot on Solo, you just have to trust it!

WWIFN, who cares what BB thinks, WE all know she is doing it for a desperate attempt to look good and hang onto her maaan (vom) and SHE knows this is why she is really doing it.

If not, she would never have freaked out at the amount of DC time he had planned initially. the photos of the DC only days after he had left his family.

I'd be inclined to say something like he might be stupid enough to fall for her BS, but that I wasn't and will not accept inappropriate behaviour/gifts/people in my DC life.

I wouldn't give a shit if that made me look bitter/unreasonable or whatever, her opinion and indeed his mean nothing to me, as they are neither people of any great moral standing nor people I would go out of my way to know.

I might also go on to give him a flea in his ear for even bringing her into any kind of discussion with me, as I don't want to know anything about her, nor his relationship with her. She is HIS problem, and HE is hers, only the DC are of my concern now.

Oh yes I would be cementing in those boundaries, putting up clear signage too.

*disclaimer - have just rid myself of mental 'h' and having suffered untold, relentless manipulations, gas lighting, threats, nicey nicey and nasty nasty in the last few days, am so shell shocked I am perhaps less BS tolerant than I can be usually...

I don't think WWIFN is implying Solo should give one as to what BB thinks - it's more along the lines of seeing the husband for what he is.

Getting rid of the spectacles h still has placed on Solo's eyes. Solo's worked very hard to be rid of soft focus spectacles for h and seeing him how we all do.

However the final ripping off from her eyes is what I think WWIFN is attempting to demonstrate i.e. the h will use the opportunity to make Solo look bad. As pointed out if h had the decency to do the right thing in the first place he never would have contacted Solo regarding inappropriate gifts.

Again it's a distraction technique used by h to do a bit of playing with people's emotions and divert blame squarely where it belongs! He gets to make BB look bad to Solo plus he also gets to make Solo look bad to BB! It's starting to look as if h is really quite addicted to the drama of it all I think.

Hi Solost
Agree with the others, your reaction was the right one and yes, WWIFN is correct, your H will use it to make you appear to be barking and unreasonable.

Where did the idea come from that she is "unmarriageable" - from him? And yet he is still there with her...
She is obtaining gifts for your DDs - doesn't sound like that she thinks she is on the way out.
Sooo - either he is stringing her along, or he's been lying to you AGAIN.
If she is still desperate to have your life, and realises that he might not be in it for the longhaul, her getting herself pregnant is quite possible - what do you think your H will do then? Dump her? I doubt it.

Sorry, I know you are aware that this is a possibility - but I am concerned that you thinking (and other people agreeing) that BB is only temporary might lead you to a sense of "this too shall end" - and it might not.
You need to be fully prepared for that.

Am losing the plot a little here but have caught up on your posts Solo. My god woman your instincts are absolutely spot on. Keep going, btw I agree that you should be stopping that silly man coming into your home. I totally understand that cannot happen over night but I would put it near the top of the agenda if I were you.

xx

PS who cares what BB thinks/believes/says. Skanks get no respect around here

PPS Peter Andre - oh dear oh dear oh dear. Please Solo don't fall for his creosote and chat up lines....

Am losing the plot a little here but have caught up on your posts Solo. My god woman your instincts are absolutely spot on. Keep going, btw I agree that you should be stopping that silly man coming into your home. I totally understand that cannot happen over night but I would put it near the top of the agenda if I were you.

xx

PS who cares what BB thinks/believes/says. Skanks get no respect around here

PPS Peter Andre - oh dear oh dear oh dear. Please Solo don't fall for his creosote and chat up lines....

No aspersions were meant to be cast at the awesome WWIFN, I am aware my tone is shite at the moment, I am sorry, I am trying not to let this stuff affect me, but it doesn't always work.

dontdiss...you fancy me too, dontcha

admit it

< strokes six pack >

LMHF - hope you don't think I suggested aspersions being cast by you there. You've been offering everyone wonderful support so don't think you're coming across wrong or anything.

I keep up with thread but don't post very often as the likes of you are giving such spot on advice I can't add anything really.

Just like to take the opportunity when I see a chink to make sure Solo's focus is back on h in any of these situations. H always wants to draw attention to BB doesn't he?

I just stick my oar in now and again to say Remember Solo - it's not about the BB - it's about the husband who did the running away from his responsibilities etc. I do think Solo's glasses are slipping off but he is still playing Solo by throwing things like this at her - Solo needs to remember it's about him not the BB and direct the irritation where it belongs.

When a situation like this happens and Solo's immediate thought is "what a prick HE is" - we're home and away!

to kettlecrisps (AF and I have had a glass or 2)

I think that BB is trying to get more attention tbh... she craves drama IMVHO, and H loves to provoke a reaction to see if Solo still cares.. this is a reaction to Solo's sterling work to disengage.

Whenever Solo shows signs of distancing herself, up pops Mr Fuckwit to try and scupper it.

These signs are hard to deal with as they stike at the heart of our own weak/blind spots, but if you step back and look at them as a desperate cry for help, and back away, no reactiion, no engagement, it lets you live another day away from them and their insanity.

Proof if proof were needed from my own sitation, after all I have gone through the last few days, I get a call today H is keen to know if we are missing him, and do I love him.. it's all ego with idiots like these. Hope I'm not projecting, but that is how it seems to me.

WWIFN: Sadly I do see what you mean.

LMHF: Thanks, it good to know I was right about this. The thing is with instinct, I was so wide of the mark about H that I find myself questioning everything these days.

I have cribbed some of your comments - hope you dont mind! the text to H went like this:

Have decided that the 'gifts' are innapropriate.

You may be stupid enough to fall for her BS but I am not and will not accept innapropriate gifts/behaviour/people in my childrens lives.

Am sure I will be portrayed as a bitter, unreasonable bitch - don't care.

Got a reply back:

Sorry if I offended.

Understand

Will not bring them

Sorry again.

THUMB: I await the imminent news of her pregnancy. I really am expecting it soon.

The marriage think was from when we were away in Lonon. We talked quite a bit (stuck in traffic for 5 hrs!). I was talking about divorce, told him I would contact a solicitor the next day if he wanted a divorce so he could marry BB. He said no, definantly not, he didnt want a divorce - it was 'too soon' and he didnt want to marry BB, in fact he couldnt see a long term future with her any more either!!!!

I also mentioned the pregnancy to him. I told him as soon as he left that I fully expected her to be pregnant by Xmas. Maybe shes not as fertile as she thought!

DONTDISS: Think Im loosing the plot too

Especially with Peter Andre - well it has been 6 months and I don't get out much!!

Thanks for your support x

perfect text

Think you are quite right to not allow the gifts. But, again, drawing om my experience I would not engage with him at all re reasons why not etc.

I think that he will take from it that you are still engaged/involved/care about him. You do not have to justify your decisions re DCS to him.

But, easy for me to be wise after the event! I know from experience how difficult it is.

KETTLE: I do see where you are coming from. And appreciate your advice and support.
Thanks x

LMHF: I agree, they thrive on the drama of it. Probably because thats all they have got now as the excitement of sneaking around behind everyones back has evaporated.

But having experienced BBs constant texting/telephoning at first hand (on the London trip) I saw how 'under the thumb' H is now! And how possessive and insecure BB is. I had to smile

The grass aint always greener, is it?

Not projecting at all, appreciate your perspective.

kettlecrisps was of course right about my inference, but no offence whatsoever taken LMHF. I know you've had a horrible few days .

I'll celebrate when you can tell your H that you won't fall for any of his bullshit and when you stop focusing on the OW, who is also falling for his bullshit and is no doubt right now, hearing soothing noises from that spineless idiot about how unreasonable you are.

If she'd read the label on the tin, she would have seen what she was getting, so please don't mistake my words as sympathy for her, but just as kettle said, your H has yet again managed to put himself at the centre of a drama where he's lying to two women and therefore giving you both reason to hate eachother and not him. Wanker.

Pete: Awww thanks - it means a lot coming from you.

Did you recognise the writing style (prose?) - I cribbed that from you!

Think im in luuuurve