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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

859 replies

solost · 10/02/2011 21:56

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 19/02/2011 10:34

Absolutely what ScaredofCows said.

Already Pete? Your insatiable! Blush

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/02/2011 10:34

You're

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 10:40

I know, it's insania isn't it ?

Xales · 19/02/2011 10:44

I missed the part last time where he said she is not good enough for him to marry.

Why the hell are you not incadescent with rage at this insult he just made about you?

She is his soul mate.....
She is good enough to lie to and cheat on the person he made vows to.....
She is good enough to dump his wife and children for........
She is good enough to accept alienation from him family for.....

Can you not see just how insulting that was to you?

Again it is just a line to keep you from distancing yourself. You show him a little distance even though you may not feel it from the interest you express on here but he feels it so he tosses this little bone of hope your way.

As was previously mentioned the days your first thought is your stupid little prick to one of his comments is the day we wait for.

PeterAndre how can ANYONE want to rub against that oiled body you'd slide right off the sheets. Free in half hour? Grin

Xales · 19/02/2011 10:45

oops you stupid little prick not your!!

Blush blaming PeterAndre for that slip....

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 10:56
Grin

< slips a little prick to xales >

LittleMissHissyFit · 19/02/2011 11:27

'Pete's' next name change will be SlipperyFucker

plupervert · 19/02/2011 11:30

Actually, "your stupid little prick" is a great reply to him! Well done, Xales. Smile

thumbwitch · 20/02/2011 09:43

Solost - I know you won't be back on here until later - I hope it went ok with the H looking after the children, and I hope your DD1 had a great time singing.

If this is going to be a monthly thing, I hope you can get something else set up so as not to give your H an excuse to get comfortable in your home - next thing, he'll be suggesting that he stays over Saturday night and looks after them all day Sunday as well. You don't want him staying there.

plupervert · 20/02/2011 22:19

Ugh, what a nasty idea, having him prowling about.

StarExpat · 22/02/2011 21:19

So when is solost back, then? I miss her :)

Original poster
solost · 22/02/2011 21:43

Hi everyone, am back. Thanks StarExpat - nice to know I was missed Grin. Had a bit of a torrid couple of days (nothing to do with H for a change!). I managed to scrape the shiny new car yesterday Blush and had to sort out the insurance/repair etc. Its a steep learning curve this single parent lark and a great start to the half term hols.

The dancing comp was great (apart from the fact DD didnt win anything [pushy mum!! Blush]) She was the best there!! Grin

H came to the comp and stayed until early afternoon then picked up the DC's and took them out for the afternoon/evening. We didnt get back til late and I texted him to tell him to drop them back at MIL's if he needed to get off, but he replied he would stay until we got back. When we got home he had bathed and got them ready for bed and then he left for BB's.

Something a little disconcerting though, was my friend who came with me commented that H and I seemed like a couple Confused. Not that we were holding hands or all over each other (obviously!!) - we were sat with a group of people but she said he still cares/loves you, you could see it?? Not sure how I feel about that?

Am sure you ladies will have some advice/comments for me. Pete???

OP posts:
abedelia · 22/02/2011 21:48

Well, either she doesn't know all the details about what he has said and done or he slipped her £20 to drop that shovel of shite on you. Because if he cares for you and loves you then he has a very, very novel way of showing it... I would have been outraged. To the extent that people in Brittany would have looked up and gone 'wtf was that?'

Original poster
solost · 22/02/2011 21:51

THUMB: The dancing comp was fab - thanks. The next couple are much closer to home so will be much easier to organise the other 2 DCs.

Xales: The reason I wasnt angry was that H didnt say that BB wasnt good enough to marry. He said he didnt want to marry her,didnt give a reason. I just assumed that he didnt want to! Tbh, I wouldnt get married again either - to anyone,and I know I will never change my mind.

PETE: Can't believe I missed you on Saturday night! This thread is turning into a knocking shop Grin!! Am feeling quite threatened and jealous of all the attention you are getting! its insania.

OP posts:
Original poster
solost · 22/02/2011 21:55

ABEDELIA: Neither. In fact she was one of his staunchest critics. She thought I should have nothing to do with him and didnt even think I should have let him come along.

OP posts:
cenicienta · 22/02/2011 21:56

He may well still care/love you but then he left for BB's! The latter says a million things more than any warm gestures he may have demonstrated! At the moment he knows he can have you both so it's quite a nice little set up for him.

I still think that the only way he's going to choose you is if he thinks he's completely lost you, i.e. if you initiate a divorce.

LittleMissHissyFit · 22/02/2011 22:01

Solo, your H is a master bullshitter, he is pretending to be a decent man, that is why he did the attentive H trick, to protect HIS reputation.

don't forget that before the discovery, he was living a double life, so lying is what he's been doing for the entire time he's known her. You lived with him day in and day out and didn't spot it.. THAT'S how good he is.

otherwise... what abdelia said Grin

MsPav · 22/02/2011 22:18

Well done on sorting out the car problem. It is amazing what we can do when we have to. I remember how pleased I was when I built some furniture for DS!

At the risk of repeating myself, I still think that you have to think again about what the children are making of his coming and going in what is no longer HIS home. Letting himself in, bathing and no doubt feeding them too.

You may feel he is helping, he may do so (although I don't, it's about power and control) BUT it can only be confusing for your DCS. More than this, it is certainly slowing down their acceptance of the change in circumstances and possibly actually doing them damage.

As an aside, it does not help you either in the process of disengaging.

Roisinniamh · 22/02/2011 23:06

It's almost like he's having an an (emotional) affair with you now! He is f..ed up and it's not fair on your kids, to say the least. You are too nice to him!

Alldownhillnow · 22/02/2011 23:17

LittleMiss is right on the money here.

He's able to cherry pick from his family life and play 'Beckham-Dad' in public... then he slinks off to his needy yet vulnerable soulmate. Oh yes, thats because he can't help himself.

Sorry Solo, he's playing you. Sad

How he seamlessly moves between his two women is almost awesome. But it is deeply flawed. Please consider a more formal arrangement and one which does not leave you so exposed.

He's keeping the door open. Your DC's should be spared his games.

He's a player - wake up and smell the coffee. Please.

plupedantic · 22/02/2011 23:17

Your friend is either interested in seeing you back together or really ought to have kept her mouth shut. It's a very manipulative thing to have said!

waterrat · 23/02/2011 07:51

But solo of course he loves and cares about you - it's not surprising, you were his partner for a long time, there is a deep connection and you are being very forgiving to him.

But he is with someone else, who every day he chooses over you. Every day.

I know I came on this thread and mentioned my own parents before, this really is exactly like their situation. All my mums friends would say 'oh he seems to still really care about you, i bet he still loves you'. Because my dad , when with my mum , would love to sit there, with an arm around her shoulder, or having nice dinners...but then he left. Because he didn't want to be with her.

Your H probably doesn't want you to detach, this is a nice situation for him. But he left and is with someone else, how long will you allow yourself to hope he will come back?

At some point, you have to make a definitive move forward, or this energy vampire husband of yours will continue to have his cake, eat it and make trifle.

tribpot · 23/02/2011 07:53

Agree with the others completely - he has a vested interest in playing 'super-dad' and is doing so to ensure the door remains open for him to cut his losses with BB and try his luck with you again. It might hurt you financially but it would be interesting to see his reaction to you making a separation agreement with him to show him you mean business - but only you can decide on the pros and cons of that. At the moment it feels like he is effectively maintaining two households.

I'm sure your H does still love you. But he loves himself a damn sight more. Nothing he says comes across as plausible or consistent with his actions.

waterrat · 23/02/2011 08:11

I wouldn't assume he is keeping his options open, in that he thinks he will come back, that way madness lies for you. It's completely normal and understandable from his point of view that it's great that he can get on with you, be affectionate with you, enjoy time with you.

There is no reason to be surprised at his behaviour - but you should really stop allowing him to play happy families, not forever, but just while you move on yourself. Once you have a partner, or are completely over him, then you can be good friends.

He might not want to get divorced for plenty of selfish reasons ie. then his new partner would pressure him to marry her - maybe he's currently using you as an excuse? ie. she wont divorce me so we cant get married.

Also, I wouldnt believe too much of what he says about not wanting to marry her.....he's got an interest in keeping you sweet by pretending things aren't going well - because when he does that, you are a lot nicer to him.

StarExpat · 23/02/2011 08:53

This man is unbelievable.
He is playing you. You can't/won't see it.

yes, maybe he still cares about you, but he chooses to go to BB's every day rather than stay with you. He chose to leave to be with her.

Even if he decided to come back to you and leave her, how can you be sure that he wouldn't be "put under a spell" by the next pretty girl who appears on his path and shows an interest in him?

It's all lovely that he's nice to you and plays the part of a loving husband to you and around your friends, but he still chooses to be with BB instead.

If he was really that unhappy with her (as he enjoys telling you/inferring to you with actions and attitudes), then he'd leave her. It's simple. He left you. And he has children with you. It would be easier to leave her. Alas, he's not leaving her. It is his choice to be with her. You need to realise that. He's being a dick.