HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

SUFFICIENT: Thanks hun. I do have loads of friends am jus aware though that my banging on about all this for the last 7 months might have started to do their heads in a bit (although they would strenuously deny this!).

I don't really do church to be honest. Am not religious at all. But glad you are gaining strength and support from yours. I think the problem is the nighttime, mostly I am quite content with my own company but I do miss having someone to ask how my day has been and to have a chat to before bed! Will have to make do with you lot for the time being

Re: the divorce, you should look into it you know, I qualified for legal aid so the cost is not an issue for me. It just seems so final. And also an official sign of 'the end' and the failure of my marriage.

LIFEMOVESON: Thanks for the hugs! I do really need them tonight, however I am feeling a bit better - I know it will pass. Sorry you will have to downsize, its awful when the future is so uncertain isnt it? But I know you will get though and so will I, it like you said, we have no choice. Am just worried about the effect in the future on the DC's with all of this, how has your daughter coped (I know she is older), littlest DC still cries for her Daddy sometimes and its heartbreaking.

THUMB: I know its probably a stupid idea, its just yesterday I felt like I needed to 'run' away from it all. I will pull myself together. I don't like to ask for help re: babysitting etc. yet I know loads of my friends would do it no problem. I think im just a self sufficient sod who doesnt like to show any weakness, and thats probably going to have to change!

My mum stayed in the marital home and said that it's the one thing she was glad of. If you can afford to stay, please try to, you will outgrow all the demons, they will fade over time.Move when you want to move, not to run away.

I don't blame you for thinking about running away, it's been an awful time, but you have grown so much over these past few months. You will grow more over the next few to come.

It is final isn't it. Although I don't look at it as my marriage has failed. My H has failed, big time, but that is nothing to do with me or our marriage (it wasn't perfect of course, hope you know what I'm trying to say!).

Have been researching legal aid. I thought it only meant you didn't have to pay up front, but if you were awarded any assets (ie the house, or a portion of it) then you would have to pay the fees out of that?

yes I was going to say the same thing - you have to change your outlook - your marriage did not fail, your H took a sledgehammer to it.

And another thing - trying to do it all yourself when you are struggling is, IMO, more a sign of weakness than being brave/strong enough to ask for help. So there!

Hi Solost

just checking in on your thread , maybe its the spring with all those birds and bees doing their thing as I have been feeling very much on my own too which I havent really since my h left last christmas.

Also the constant insinuations from your h that BB isnt all he thought and that he has regrets must make it hard to detach. My h claims utter happiness with his ow and has no regrets about leaving which of course to begin with was very painful but for the best as I never ever thought he would be back to us.

I am moving in 4 weeks time all being well and thankfully I dont feel emotional about it its just something that has to happen. I am lucky though that my new house is really lovely and in this area still.

I am initiating the divorce and h is fully on board , as you might remember we sorted out finances etc a while ago, so it should be quick and painless. I am at the point where I just want all the nastys possible to be out of the way iyswim ?

Do you still think he might come knocking on your door Solost ? I wonder if when the issue of where he is going to live long term arises and he sits and does his sums the full reality will hit him ? Not that I am suggeting he would only want to come back for those kinds of reasons. I really dont envy you this situation of being fed snippets of his doubts about what he has done . Its like well Solost if you sit patiently and serenely high above while he and BB scrabble around in their little emotional drama eventually he will get it out his system and realise how foolish hes been and come back home.

The thing is everyone is right despite anything he says what he does is to remain with her.

I would really think about starting the divorce because I doubt he will anytime soon and assuming he doesnt do an about turn at that point you will then know that your marriage is over and can carry on further down the road of recovery. I think as things are you are in a bit of limbo and however small a part of you still hasnt given up hope which is entirely understandable after such a long marriage etc.

Overall ask yourself do you still want to be in this position with him a year from now ? If the answer is no then make a start because these things take a long time

You are doing brilliantly Solost like so many of us who have been left with dc after long marriages while they trip off with ows but we are doing ok and are/will be happier in the end

Hi Solost, isnt it strange when the sun comes out how we feel better but sad. Not sure if this is how you are feeling but because the sun is shining im thinking about holidays, days out, DCs birthdays and it brings it home that Im on my own and is tinged with sadness. When will I stop feeling so pitiful? I also feel like Im in limbo, as you know, Im convinced we are married to the same man ha. You cant just expect your hope to go - you cant choose who you love (when I say you I mean we as I am also giving myself a talking to ha). We can choose to move on and embrace life. The world is a big place and full of people, nice people. Why put our lives on hold waiting for the dipshites (sorry word of the day) to make up their minds when we could be making someone who deserves us happy? Its hard, Im struggling with this sunshine (not sure why) but every day is different and maybe tomorrow we will feel strong, just maybe one day we will be glad this happened????? Keep smiling hon, we are going to be OK xxxxxxxx

banana I used to hate sunny days this time last year because people would say " Oh isnt it lovely everythings so much better when the sun shines isnt it " and I would think No it isnt !!

Take heart a year on I love the sun again

GETTINGEASIER: Thanks, it would be much, much easier if H professed to be madly in love with BB, had no regrets, didnt love me anymore etc. I could then move on, draw a line under it all.

Told H I was thinking about divorce and he said dont do it, I asked why not, he said 'I dont want to lose you???' I replied he had already lost me, he walked out remember? He had no answer.

Re: the sunny days I feel exactly as you did, glad to know it gets better - roll on next summer

BANANAHAMMOC: We are the same person . I get exactly the 'limbo' thing, its like you know you have to move on but somehow you cant. Have tried re-decorating, booking a holiday etc. but it all feels odd/forced. Maybe you just have to keep doing and eventually something clicks? I have tried a little experiment for the last week or so, looked at every man I passed/came into contact with and tried to imagine 'dating', the thing was - no-one 'did it' for me. Beginning to feel abnormal, probably just not ready.

The sunshine thing is certainly weird, it felt good for the first half day and then my mood went into a gradual decline. I think you are onto something, maybe its also the change of season, it marks another milestone. Anyway hope you took comfort from GETTINGEASIER - roll on next year eh? Take care hun x

THUMB/SUFFICIENT: Thanks, I know really, it wasnt my failure its just it wasnt the way I thought my life would pan out really. I gave my best and it just wasnt good enough I suppose, will just have to get over it. The think I worry about most is the example this sets for the DC's, I read statistic about kids from divorced parents and their future relationships and its scary, I don't want this to scar them in some way

LMHF: Its good to know the 'demons' go. I suppose that the thing about putting your own stamp on the place. I know its stupid really, its a great house, we have done loads of work on it to get it exactly how I wanted it and the kids love it round here, loads of their friends live nearby and we always have a housefull

I think thats the thing, the laughter from the kids and their mates playing outside, having the french doors open, my spirits are lifting again. I think I have turned a corner, got through my little crisis. Thanks to you all for listening. x

Solo it really doesn't matter what your ex thinks does it.

Go ahead and see about a divorce. If anything it will bring your situation to a head. It will either be a masive wake up all to him that you are not hanging about for him and are moving on OR it will be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship.

You really need to do this for your sanity.

You are still too attached to your exH to be thinking about dating again. You haven't given up hope that he will leave BB and return to you. Call his bluff.

You deserve to moce on and really don't need his permission to do this-he lost that right many months ago

DOHA: Thanks, you are right. I have all the paperwork ready to go. Its just so scary, kind of final

Yes it is and will be scary Solo but you need a conclusion to this in order for you to completly move on.
I am not convinced that you will actually take your exH back but l can see you would like to have the choice.

Spring has sprung, good times are around the corner. You just have to make the first move.

Don't tell him anything anymore just get thedivorce papers filled in and get your solicitor to do the rest.

He will get a shock [evil bitch emotion]

Anyway, it's not unheard of to get back together again after a divorce.

I'm just saying!

I do NOT think you should do this, solost, but the way I look at it is, H broke all the vows he made this time around. You would probably want to make new promises anyway.

But of course this all completely academic and will never happen

Liz Taylor married Burton 3 times.

Take the upper hand, pull that rug from under him.

Put the papers in, it takes a while to go through anyway doesn't it. There are ample times to delay, hold or remove it from process.

Thanks getting easier, that gives me hope. Glad you are feeling better Solost, Ive had a rotten, miserable, feeling sorry for myself day but its H's weekend with the girls and i always dread it. Solost, Im going to start my divorce and we can do it together. H also said to me what have you done about divorce and I said well I dont get legal aid so if you want a quick divorce you're going to have to pay for it and he said I dont, im not bothered about a divorce. So Im going to spring it on him, when he least expects it. Its sooooo expensive though :( xxxx

Solost, my parents have been married for nearly 60 years, but my brother and I both failed at long term relationships (and maybe it wasn't my fault, but I failed in my mind in the sense that I chose a duffer.) I imagine it works the other way too- the parents divorce; it doesn't mean the children will too.

Agreed. Put the papers in, there are chances to change your mind before the decree absolut is granted.

You really have no need to take account of his wishes and feelings - he hasn't taken any account of yours. And that's not "tit for tat" - it's taking control of the situation.

If you leave it too long you might end up divorcing at his instigation after 2 years - and chances are you would lose the house, he would make you sell it. In another year and a half things are going to be so very different - and you might lose out. Get things rolling sooner rather than later - as you told him, he has already "lost" you (for lost, read cast aside like a worn out glove) so YOU have nothing to lose.

How awful that he said that to you , what on earth are you meant to think ?

If you sat and thought about what it would actually physically be like to have him back and to begin a process of reconciliation what does that feel like ? My xh moved out to think about his future but there had been a couple of hard months at home prior to that with deciding what to do. After him being gone a month or so a lot of scales fell from my eyes and in short I would not have wanted him to return without radical change and all this had nothing to do with ow issues.

I get the sense that you were very happy with him, in love , and apart from anger/distaste etc at his actions and behaviour re ow you havent had any realisations about being treated badly in the marriage or how actually your H was xy and z and you werent happy anyway.

As said before people do get back together after all manner of things and nobody should be judged for that .

If you petition for divorce your H will then have the choice to carry on living with ow or to come to you and say not I dont want to lose you but I want to come back to you. At this point I think you will have better clarity about how you would feel about that possibility and could either say yes or no sorry its too late.

Either way a step forward will be being taken and its time to start moving on. Its so difficult to detach fully from long term partners even when its clear there is no going back but trying to detach from someone saying I dont want to lose you will be nigh on impossible and as I said yesterday he isnt going to instigate anything.

I know sending those papers may start confirmation that its the end and that will bring a fresh wave of pain but if thats going to take you forward towards ultimately really knowing what he feels then I think that is in your best interests.

Those are the emotional arguments in favour of starting the divorce and of course in the background there are the financial ones too....

solost sorry you've had a bad few days, but I'm glad the sunshine and your DC's are bringing you some happiness and a sense of a new start. They (DC's) really are the best tonic, aren't they?

I know I lurk more than post on your thread, but have watched from the beginning, and I agree with what the other posters have said.

YOu said it would be easier if you could "move on, draw a line under it" - maybe filing divorce papers is that step?

Practically, once you file them, it's not a process from which there is no return. Emotionally, though, it may well be the step you need to take to feel like you ARE drawing some kind of line under it. It's forward motion to enable you to continue to forge a new life beyond redecorating, IYSWIM?

Also, maybe walking down the street imagining going on a date with all the different men is a step too far - why not start by walking down the street and thinking "yummy or not yummy"? Just for looking at, you see, not trying

I hope that you're feeling okay today and that you are looking forward to the weekend.

Why try that "test" with the men in the street? The choice is not between being with your H and being with someone else. And your current state of "being single" is not the only kind of being single: you are probably thinking about "single" women who are always out for a date, whereas your single life at the moment sounds quite full with your family and own emotional recovery. Don't force yourself to think about dating if you haven't got the emotional energy to spare.

bananahammoc, good luck with getting it all started.

"Told H I was thinking about divorce and he said dont do it, I asked why not, he said 'I dont want to lose you???'"

To quote the very classical classics: what the actual fuck?

If you don't want to lose your spouse you generally don't go off and shack up with other people. do you?

Who, basically, does he think he is or, more to the point, what does he think you are? A piece of furniture which he expects to find still in its place however long he leaves it? An item of clothing you can stick in the back of the wardrobe for a season? A real live sentient being with its own thoughts and feelings - ah now, let's not be silly shall we.

Am pretty appalled by that remark, as you can tell.

Brings to mind the Cliff Richard song - Living Doll: "gonna lock her up in a trunk, so no big hunk can steal her away from me..."
Yep.
He wants you there whenever he needs you. He is a bastard.

Is that what Living Doll is about? That is pretty horrible.