HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Detach Solo... you are getting sucked back into his bollocks of a life.

Don't fall for the little boy lost shite, if he really were unhappy he wouldn't be bedding down with her.

Never forget that. It's so bloody awful, but he is STILL THERE.

Thank you Solost, I know we will. I know one thing for sure, they do both regret it, of that Im certain. I also know that we are both dignified and far too good for them but it still hurts doesnt it?

Like your H, my H looks so sad, like a shell of a man. I know OW will never have what I had and I also know she is welcome to him and him her.

I know the pain of DC always questioning him and not opening up to him is something he finds hard to deal with. I just dont know why I even care? I hope it stops and I hope I start thinking about what I want instead of a lying cheating scum bag that walked out on his family twice? God its hard to understand how I ever let him do it to me and DCs. It makes me feel weak and I prayer I toughen up.

Your H is definitely having problems with OW. She is starting to show her true colours and I hope that you dont make the same mistakes as me. Please dont make it easy for him Solost. You are doing so well but if he does make noises please dont let him back in easily. I did. I was just so thankful that he had realised and he didnt respect me for it. How could he, I dont respect myself?

Time for me to toughen up. He has lost DC respect and it will be a long time before he gains it back if ever.........

Thanks Solost and everyone posting on here. We are all with you, every step of the way hon, you are my guru xxxxx

Solost he probably does regret starting the affair. He can see now that the grass isn't greener and he's given up so much.

However, he said that comment, fully knowing/thinking that you believe that it was all her who came on to him and that he didn't want it and tried to get rid of her, but she was so persistent that after a while he just couldn't possibly resist.

He shouldn't be regretting going on the business trip. He should be regretting having the affair. He could very well have gone on the business trip and even if it was her who came onto him initially, it's as difficult as he's making it seem to not have an affair.

* It's not* as difficult as he's making it seem to not have an affair.

Sorry that didn't make sense before

It would probably have been a bit passive-aggressive to have refused to pass on the message from the car people on the grounds that he doesn't live there (although you could have simply taken their number and asked him to call them rather than getting involved in the details of the message, giving him yet another chance to - guess what! - badmouth the love of his life again). However you missed an opportunity to review the shared email situation (I'm guessing it's a financial one and you thought you'd rather stay involved so you could see what was going on...) Top marks for not asking why he wanted it changed though. What's the betting it would be because he suspected BB of prying into his and your shared correspondence? Which btw is another very good reason why you should try to get out of shared arrangements with him. He is a unit with her now (a particularly intrusive unit it would seem), and what you don't want her to know you'd best not tell him.

Ah, I missed the middle bit of your post.
Solost - H will grab every opportunity to badmouth BB to you. Poor H who was sucked into this affair. If only BB didn't love him so much... he would be free of this controlling BB and life of torment. He needs your pity. Which he senses underneath the outer "detached" layer.

Agreed. He's still angling for the pity line to suck you back in. He's a fool - don't let him play you for one as well.

As has been said - what it all boils down to is this:
He is STILL WITH HER.
ANYTHING he says is just so much bullshit while he stays with her.

And really that's all you need to remember, any time he professes any kind of regret.

Have been thinking of you at the weekend bizarrely enough connected with the Libyan situation. Why? Well, obviously I'm not comparing your H or your situation in any way and don't wish to appear flippant.

However you were brought to mind when I heard on the news that that the coalition were disregarding Gaddafi's announcements re. ceasefires etc.

They were reporting the announcements had been followed by advances against the rebels etc.

It does defy logic when you are hearing one thing and the actions are the opposite doesn't it?

Regrets? - actions speak louder than words ...

Your H has treated you very cruelly with these emotional games (I don't just mean the very extreme eg of Christmas). I mean in general he is being cruel and cowardly with this constant dripping of info and playing with your mind.

As WWIFN has often pointed out he doesn't take responsibility for what has happened - he diverts (it was the BB's fault - wish I'd never met her etc.) Very cowardly - the BB could have been anyone - he was up for fun and felt entitled is the long and short of it.

You still haven't concentrated your anger directly where it should be - precisely at the foot of your H only.

It doesn't happen (waking up to how it's all about the H) - you do really have to force yourself to see it. No-one wants to face up to the disappointment that it will be seeing him in the clear light of day and how very weak he is.

The BB hasn't taken your family life away from you - your H gave it away for a bit of excitement.

The BB could be replaced at any time by a new bit of excitement unless your H faces up to things. Alternatively he could carry on running away from himself and think jumping back with you would be the answer. None of these things will be the answer until your H faces up the responsibility that he made these decisions because he wanted to and he felt entitled to. He knew you'd be there for the kids and he could do as he pleased.

Oh blimey Solo, I hate to say it sweetheart but you're beginning to weaken. Don't get into conversation with him about "it" (the affair, the consequences). It's done now - you know that. He's made his bed, he has to lie in it, regardless of what you want. And you do still want him, you can't help it.

Someone only said to me a few weeks ago about how I desperately wanted my DH back even after I'd caught him out a second time after taking him back. I strenuously denied it, but to be honest I'm pretty sure that 14 months ago I probably was still in that horrible twilight zone of not understanding the why's and wherefores, what had I done wrong, still believing it was all a horrible dream and that again he would realise what he'd lost.

THANK GOD HE DIDN'T and thank god I soon wised up

I know, I know, it's easier said than done. For all of us in this hellhole situation - it really does get better.

I had a wobble last week, first time in months, but that was purely based on being terrified of all the decisions about my DD going to university this year. I suddenly realised that I was on my lonesome to make them with her, rather than with my DH, who for years we'd discussed together when Katie would go to uni.

Feeling much better now, especially since the Arsehole showed his true colours and yet again didn't even bother to ask his daughter how her latest visit went (too busy trying to get me to hurry up with the divorce so he can move in with his latest girlfriend).

Life sucks - but it doesn't mean we have to get sucked in with it.

Solo, Romney, Suff, Banana, all of you going through this shite time - keep smiling, keep loving your children, take help from your friends and family, advice from those you trust - and you will get through it. Trust me - if I can, then you wonderful girlies sure as hell can.

Cheers

Cheers

Hell, I need to read words like that today. Having a bloody awful one! Thanks for your thoughts.

Hope you're ok solost xx

solost - sorry, haven't been around for a while, so need to catch up on the previous pages (this working full-time thing is knackering!!! But, hey, I have my freedom (well a bit - as no long under fear of stupid ex and his stupid threats). I would definitely heed the advice about getting sucked in again as your H plays the pity game and badmouths the BB. As has been said, ultimately, he is still with her as thats the easy option for him. I get the same every so often (is this a romantic idiot trait?!), 'wish I could re-do 2010', 'wish I could re-do everything', 'I have trouble sleeping and question my decision every day', blah, blah....I do sometimes think they have a screw loose.....they have CHOSEN their paths and been in control of their actions. I did fall for this in the beginning with ex and thought 'oh well, maybe he is regretting his decision, actions etc' but now, I just dont want to get sucked into his mind games/confusion/whatever....he is not my problem anymore....I also second kettlecrisps comments, there is a huge sense of entitlement (well, certainly in my case, though I am the root cause of every single problem known to man according to ex - thats when he's not trying to be all friendly on text and leaning in for kisses?!). You have come so far - stay strong! Will read the other posts and come back......

banana - sorry to read about your situation. I felt the same, actually said to ex, 'well, she is welcome to you. the person i had up until a few months ago was nothing like the person you are now' and he basically turned it around on me and said that he had only become what he 'was' because of me....I do realise that I am wasting my breath talking to him, so getting wiser now thanks to the lovely ladies on mumsnet...stay strong. X

sufficient - sorry to hear about the bad day. Hope you have a lovely evening and remember, tomorrow is a new day to embrace and enjoy (been listening to some 'power thoughts' CDs!).

x

Cheers xxxxxxx

BANANAHAMMOC: Guru? gosh, thanks x

STAREXPAT: Thanks chuck. Tbh, though he has said in the past that it was all him, he always blamed himself for this, and that it was HIM who arranged their little lunch appointment after that trip, though he can't explain why or rather he doesn't want to!

THUMB: Agreed, you know I am on the ball with this. Actions not words, yeah?!

KETTLECRISPS: You are right and I have pointed this out to H who agreed that he has taken no responsibility in all this. His explanation was he just 'went along with it', and that he thought it would burn itself out and BB would get bored and leave before I found out. I can see that he is a very weak man - was he always like this? I have racked my brains to think back but im sure he wasnt. Maybe because I was strong, I just never noticed!!

LIFEMOVESON: Im not - honest! Great news about you DD going to uni - you must be so proud! Tbh, if I were you I would be quite terratorial [sp?] about him having any say at all. I went to DC's parents evening last week (H couldnt make it as he was working away all week) but I was quite glad actually, I mean, I am the one who does the homework/revision etc. makes sure they are ready for school/there on time etc. And I thought, why should H just waltz in and take credit for all MY hard work with them? (Does that sound a bit mean/weird?) - not sure now I written it??!!

Cheers x

SUFF: Sorry you are having a bad one. You know when I felt like that I would take myself off to bed - write everything down in a journal, have a read (if I could concentrate!) and think - tommorrow's another day. Its going to be fine and sunny, hope its a better one for you tommorrow. Take care x

DEE: Glad the new job is going well. Think sometimes its a godsend at times like this, kind of takes your mind off 'things'! I work part-time but being around others and having to act 'normally' for a while kind of gave me breathing space from my thoughts for a while IYSWIM?

Sorry you appear to be the cause of all you H's problems I suppose at least my H doesnt blame me at all, and never has. Just keeps going on about how 'good' our marriage was - although I suppose thats worse in a way. At least if he did re-write history like that you could kind of see where he's coming from - or not!!!!

"he thought it would burn itself out and BB would get bored and leave before I found out"

So he was planning to go along with it until it "died out" and just keep it a secret from you? Maybe it would have happened again with another woman who gave him attention later on? Wow. That says a lot. He thought it was ok to deceive you and play around/be disloyal to your marriage and just keep it from you. As long as it died out and you didn't find out, it would all be ok. He sounds horrid. Sorry.

I'm sure he did "blame" himself and say it was "all his fault". But then he's said "I wish she didn't love me so much" or whatever that nonsense was... which shows that he really doesn't blame himself at all. He just said he blames himself/hates himself for what he's done because he knows that's what you want to hear.

FWIW my friend's H who did the same thing... he did a lot of self loathing, too ... but it was superficial. She couldn't see it for a long time. And he always said that she was the perfect wife, he was proud to be her husband, he didn't ever want a divorce and their marriage was perfect... couldn't understand why he left... etc etc etc... but he kept living with OW, then left her, and found another OW.

Maybe I've said the wrong thing...

Never killed a thread before...

I think it's springtime on MN, and people are trying to spend some time outside. I am thread-killing at a rate, too!

Oh I see. I wrote that from outside :)

La-di-dah!

Solo just popped in to see how you are. I am sorry to read that you are having a sad bit but dead impressed that you are staying so strong despite everything.

How are the children?

x

STAREXPAT: Im still here

Have had a crap couple of days though despite the weather!

Nothing to do with H either, just the realisation that I am on my own now - I suppose, it hit me hard. My mum and PIL have kind of let me/DC's down on a couple of minor things too, I just feel that they don't deserve it, I try to do my best for them but all the people that are SUPPOSED to love and look out for them are letting them down and they don't deserve it but what am I supposed to do. Tbh last night I seriously considered putting the house on the market, divorcing H and taking us all off somewhere to start anew. But will that solve anything really? Anyway, had work today so something to take my mind off everything and am feeling a bit better tonight!

Sorry, just needed to rant. Thanks for listening x

DONTDISS: Dont feel strong at the moment, but I am waiting for it to pass. I suppose I need to realise that I am alone now but at the moment it feels so scary and hard

Solost - good thought re. divorcing your H! But you don't need to put the house on the market or take yourselves away from what support you do have.

:( that your mum and PILs have let you down recently - can I just ask (have forgotten) do you have a good friends network nearby as well? Can you cultivate more friends, parents of the DC's friends, that kind of thing? You need as many people behind you as you can muster, tbh.

Helps for babysitting purposes as well!

Hugs, Solo. These bad days come up and bite us on the butt when we're not expecting it, I've had a crap few days, but such is life.

I've also thought of putting my house on the market quite a few times, especially the last couple of weeks since my wonderful DH told me he's moving in with his latest girlfriend. I'm just worn down by having to do everything myself - pathetic isn't it.

My DH only contributes a pathetically small amount (the absolute legal minimum) towards his daughter each month so it's really tough. DD goes to Uni September so I will be thinking seriously about downsizing then; I just really resent that he will be getting 45% of the proceeds from the sale which he most certainly doesn't deserve (my family bought the house).

I know how disappointed you are for the children, being let down, but you always cope - you have to.

Stay strong sweetheart x

(((solost)))

Sorry you're feeling crap about being on your own. Most of my support comes from people at church - is there one near you that you ever went to for Christmas/Easter etc, that you could pop in to, even if just for the support/company? I'd be lost without it.

I don't think starting divorce proceedings would be a crazy idea - what are you waiting for? (Bit hypocritical as I haven't seen a solicitor yet, I guess I'm waiting for the dust to settle, to stop being in shock, and also the cost is putting me off a bit... But enough about me, you should definitely divorce your H straight away! )

Y'know I'm beginning to think you all should have a support thread in Legal or something - "how to begin divorce proceedings when you're not quite there yet" or some such title. Or "give me a kick to get me started on divorcing the selfish shit" - I could go on...

It could be really useful for people to find out stuff that they don't know; for e.g. I didn't know that some solicitors give half an hour's free advice - amazing!