HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

well that's one part of it. the appropriate part.
It's funny how some lyrics, you just don't realise the implication in them when you first hear them - like Police, Every Breath you Take - I used to think it was a love song but it bloody isn't, it's a stalker's song! Good tune, mind. Shocking lyrics though if you think about it.

There's more inappropriate stuff in LD? I knew Cliff couldn't be that sweet!

well I did always see that one as being about him having a doll that he could keep in a box and pull out when he needed her to satisfy his "soul" - but maybe I'm too cynical?

Solo - his quote about not wanting to lose you - WHAT??!!! the arsehole's done that already, all by his own little self!!!

Sheesh, what is it with these men (or women) who do the dirty but still want it all

Ah, I can feel the calmness coming over me.

You know I'd never thought about those Cliff Richard lyrics, but they probably weren't thought of so sinisterly (is that a word?!) all those years ago. Can't see Cliff being a stalker somehow, yeuwww.

Keep smiling

Solost You do realise what his comment about not wanting to lose you means don't you? Not only does he want you both, just as he has now, but he also thinks that's quite a reasonable option for him.

I think I originally thought that he would realise he'd made a mistake and sooner or later come back to you but I've changed my mind on that. I now think he's got no intention of leaving BB and is quite happy with the set up as it is. Think ahead 5 - 10 years from now, you will probably still be in the same position (though he may have more children by then with BB).

You've come so far and should be really proud of yourself. You've told him with words he's already lost you, how can you back those words up with actions so he's left in no doubt? He needs to know in no uncertain terms that he can't have you both!

Just to clarify, I know you're detaching and we all know differently but he thinks he still has you IYSWIM.

GETTINGEASIER: I think thats part of the problem for me. I was happily married, and even after H left and I looked back on our marriage there wasnt any problems. And that makes it harder, it also makes it harder that H always says he was happy here, he enjoyed being married, there was nothing wrong in our marriage. It would be so much easier if he said it was shit/we had drifted apart/he didnt love me anymore or that I had this sudden realisation that he had been a crap husband iyswim. Not saying everything was perfect btw, of course we had ups and down, just like everyone.

I can't help thinking sometimes WHY??? but of course I cannot answer that and H doesnt/cant/wont give me an answer either. I know, I know, I should let it go BUT I cant. Well I can most of the time but in the early hours, when sleep eludes me, I think about this. I am not sad about it anymore btw more frustrated and angry (maybe thats a good thing) - I don't ask H about it anymore either, its a personal thing. All my life I have given 100% in everything and this feels like a failure, again I know rationally its not me its him. I need to let go, I am letting go but the answer to this seems important somehow.

FRIDASCRUFFS: I know you are right, thanks for sharing your history with me. But being the perfectionist I am, I know I will forever be watching the DCs and wondering whether their inevitable relationship 'failures' have anything to do with what we have put them through.

THUMB: During the same conversation I told H I was thinking about putting the house on the market, selling up and moving on. He told me he didn't want us to leave 'our home' and asked me to reconsider. Of course it was a stupid knee jerk reaction (on my part) to feeling let down - for a couple of days I just wanted to run away, felt it was the only way to move on but I have come to my senses again, for now!

NOWWAYNOHOW: Thank you. I am feeling better now. Don't really know what happened this week. Its the first time I have felt down for a long time, but it seems to have passed. Am still checking out guys on the street feels a bit pervy tbh! not used to it yet I guess!

PLUPEDANTIC: You are right of course, I am trying to run before I can walk so to speak! The problem is I have no experience Been with H since I was 15 and I think things might have moved on a bit since then!! I have a full life of course but it would be nice for someone to care about how my day has been etc. considering getting a dog!!

LIFEMOVESON: I thought that too wtf??? And said as much. He had no answer.

CENICIENTA: I don't think he does want us both you know. Not sure how I know but I do. Of course he can't, jesus it just doesnt bear thinking about does it?

I think he is feeling the detatchment as well, maybe thats why he said it?

Solost - I think you have it yes - he is feeling your detachment and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want you to move on, he wants you there waiting in the wings and pining for him; it will be very damaging to his ego (good!) for you to move on, demonstrate you no longer care for or about him and , horror, possibly even start seeing another man.

He's locked into some alternative fantasy world where it's ok for him to do as he pleases but somehow you are supposed to play the faithful wife waiting for him at home - well bugger that for a game of soldiers!! Sure, you might not want to get involved with another man (and who could blame you at the moment) but it's your choice. Not his.

And re. the no experience thingy - yep, that was me too although after only 11y, not 27y - but I was so green, it was kind of like going back to being 16 again! Just didn't know how to date, or have casual relationships or anything like that! Don't worry - you get the hang of it .

Solost I really feel for you having so many unanswered questions in your mind about why your H had an affair and left a seemingly good marriage.

My marriage changed in the last years and I knew exactly why and its still been hard to come to terms with so I cant imagine how you feel.

When I read your posts about him I veer between 2 pov. One is that he is a good man in full blown crisis and has made an enormous error in the affair and regrets it but doesnt know how to come back and actually 1 year out of 27 with potentially another 30 years ahead could be forgiven.

The other is that were you able to view CCTV footage of him with BB that he is actually very happy with her and fully intends building a future with her but doesnt want you to know that. I bow to the more thorough psychological knowledge of these things that WWIFN and thumbwitch have. To me its a case of him mistakenly thinking he is being kinder to you somehow by constantly feeding you negatives about (changing the email password etc) her. Or that he has such a strong sense of entitlement that he wants to keep you on a string still married to him still living where you are waiting for him to change his mind. Or he wants to fully detach emotionally from you before allowing you to do the same.

Only you can have a real sense of why he doesnt want to sell the house or divorce. BUT as has been said so many times whatever the whys and wherefores the fact is he is living with her and continues to choose to do so and as they say actions speak louder than words.

Would you consider meeting him and having it out with him ?

re having it out with him - I can only offer my own experience on this. I pushed and pushed and pushed to find out why my exF left me - he originally said he didn't really know, and all sorts of other platitudes - but finally when I kept on and on he said a few things. They were very hurtful and they stuck in my mind like little daggers. They weren't even true - but they became my truth for a while and it was extremely damaging - only lots of counselling sorted that out for me.

So I would say this - if he says he doesn't really know why he did it, leave it at that - because if you push and push and push to know the "real" reason, you will get told stuff that may or may not be true but is most likely to be about you and is very likely to damage you. In my case it was designed to shut me up and stop me asking - certainly managed that.

IME.

Well I did say I bow to your greater knowledge thumbwith !

ah no, that's not knowledge as such, rather a very unpleasant experience. I don't know that other men would be as weak as my exF was, to produce a load of hurtful shite to stop me asking difficult questions - but it was what happened to me and I wouldn't like for it to happen to anyone else.

Thumb - I never got the answers to my questions why and you are so right that if I had pushed and pushed H would have made something up to placate me but as you say untruths are so hurtful.

Solo - I could have written your previous post about why it happened to me when I know without doubt we were happy and both loved each other, but I know I am never going to get the answers and have had to leave that behind, in order to get my head and heart in some order.

Also I suppose maybe re meeting up I was thinking more along the lines of a where do we go from here , how do you feel now slant rather than why did it happen iyswim

GETTINGEASIER: I don't know whether your 1st pov applies but I am sure that things are not all rosy with BB. I mentioned a comment he made the other day (on Suffs thread) about BBs mum being of the opinion that H is spending too much time with the DCs and not enough time with her daughter, I smiled sweetly and said to him ,'well, everyone seems to feel they are entitled to an opinion on your life at the moment don't they, it must be so difficult for you' he muttered that BB told her mother too much, and what had it got to do with her anyway?

Regarding meeting and having it out with him, since he started his new job (the head office is in Scotland) he has mentioned on several occasions that if I wanted to see his new workplace (why?) I could travel up with him, I have acted totally disinterested. This morning when he picked up the DCs he offered again, maybe I should take him up on it - the 6 hour drive would give us ample time to chat! - no sure how he would explain it to BB though??!!

THUMB: I see where you are coming from but I think if its there I really need to hear it, to burst my bubble of marital bliss iyswim! Sometimes I think maybe its ME who has a distorted view of our marriage but H never contradicts me. I think if he does what your XF did then at least I would think either - thats not true you lying , or if thats what he really felt, then it will help me truely move on.

ROMNEYMARSH: I am glad you can leave it behind and move forward but for some reason I can't seem to be able to. I think I need some 'closure' - hate that word. It doesnt help that he's so bloody reasonable about everything at the moment. Whatever I say goes, he turns up/rings up does everything I need with the DC's. In fact I can't seem to get rid of him at the moment!! next week he is all over the country and is driving from Scotland to London and back here so he can see the DC's on his allocated day, I told him he didn't have to, that I would take DS to football practice and that he should go 'home' and visit the day after but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Solost what is going on ?

I will say again I had to use every means possible - therapy, self help books etc to detach from my xh who had clearly stated he no longer loved me , had a litany of complaints about me and had an ow.

How can you possibly not be thinking in some recess of your mind that he regrets what he has done because he can offer no explanation for the affair and seems intent on painting a picture of dissent between him and BB . All the while bending over backwards to be beyond reproach (as it were) re you and the dc.

Hands up if I had been in your shoes I would be holding out a lot of hope that he wanted to come back and can well see why closure for you is out of the question atm.

Do you know what you would like to have happen Solost ?

what IS it with him and long chats in the car.... is he now trying to CHEAT on his OW with YOU? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Actually that would enrage me, I'd have to yell at him for that. You dirty lying cheating arse, what could possibly enter my head to make me want to spend any longer than 6s in your company, let alone 6 hours. FFS you can't even be faithful to your mistress. You disgust me.

May I point out though that for all the trouble in paradise, he is STILL there. I'd be inclined the next time he trots out with some sob story to turn on him BIG time and tell him, You know, you bitch, you moan, but you are still there. She's mad, she's awful, but you know what, you deserve each other. Heard of the saying You lie down with dogs and you are going to get fleas?, well you dear X are BOTH itching like the local MUTTS.

Newsflash People do lie, cheating men can do nothing else BUT lie. Weirdo abusive arses lie too, to get what they want, and to get others to do what they want them to do.

Need I remind you that apparently according to my now X, I was in a mental institution for 5 YEARS... WHY was this said? because X wanted my best friend's husband to tell her to end our friendship. He wanted to take that support from me too.

Your H is doing what he has to do, to keep you on the hook, hence the comments about not losing you, not to sell the house etc etc.

GETTINGEASIER: No, of course it would be so much easier if he was unreasonable/unreliable and generally horrible to me and appeared to be 'loved up' with BB, unfortunately for me this is not the case. However before you all shout at me, I am not crumbling, I am still detatched, I give him no encouragement. A couple of other things, he left me his (new) spare car key even though I told him to give it to BB - left it on the mantlepiece, I only noticed after he left. And he insists on sending me his 'weekly movement sheet' (wtf??), I told him he didnt have to, his life was not my business anymore - he still sent it.

LMHF: So sorry to hear about your X. Some people are truely evil. You sound well rid. But why does he want to keep me on the hook? If he is truely happy there, then why not want a divorce, want his share of the house? I have offered him all this on a plate - he said he didn't want it.

Because he wants both you and BB! And he's got both of you! It's all been said before!
He is getting all the benifits of having a wife and family and a very accomadating mistresss!
It is a crazy situation and will continue like this until you divorce him!

Why ''offer him a divorce, share of the house''? Just send him the divorce papers.

He wants to keep you on the hook like an Entomologist keeps a bug on a pin.

Post his bloody key back to him, with a note inside that you do not want to know his movements, nor do you want to go on a trip with him. Drop him in it with BB. BIG TIME.

My X is gone. He no longer has much power over me.

Your's is still here and he is still playing with you despite dumping his entire family for someone he apparently doesn't even like very much.

I make your H just about as cruel if not more so than my abusive X.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Now is that time.

Solost, you have clearly been making big steps forward in your efforts to feel detached from your H which is great for you.

But, I think that continuing to have any conversations with him about ANYTHING at all,other than the DCS is a mistake. He clearly loves talking about himself and his problems with BB etc. This not only encourages you to continue to speculate about what is going on with them, it also encourages him in his campaign to keep you hooked in. And of course, for all you know it is all lies.

He really is a piece of work

I'm really disappointed to read your updates Solost and is why I have stayed off your thread. In reality, you aren't detaching from him at all. You're in fact competing with the OW and plotting trips with him to unsettle her and get inside his mind.

Meanwhile, you have completely evaded the issues raised in the long posts we all spent time writing, about agreeing contact arrangements that put the children's needs first; not your need to see him and not his need to manipulate you and keep you hanging on.

It feels like you are no further forward than last November in actuality.

Sorry if that sounds blunt and will stay off the thread now until I feel differently, or unless you want some sort of challenge to what you're choosing to do.