HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Bananahammoc: I feel so for you!

If I had to be without my DC's from Friday to Sunday every other weekend I don't know what I would do. You are so brave and such a strong person. In some ways its better that H is 100 miles away because there is no chance of them bumping into BB in the neighbourhood. How old are your DC's btw? I suppose in a way Im lucky that the older two particularly can express an opinion to whether they want to meet her and so far have declined!

You are right, they are like cuckoos, they see a 'perfect family' and swoop right in and take the parts they fancy. And thats why it angered me so much when H said that BB (and BB told me during during our call) that she cared so much about our DCs!!! Yeah right, she didn't care so much when she and H started their seedy little affair did she?

Regarding the texting, H doees it too. I tend to ignore it unless there is a problem, then I let him know. The other night for example, I received I text from him; kids OK? texted back - no, XXX spent the evening throwing up and has a temperature, thanks for asking though.

Regarding the OW, I know exactly how you feel, I probably would rip of BB head if she came near (and Im not a violent person!). I was reading a thread the other day (cant remember the title) about a OW who wanted 'respect' from the Ex Wife and had a problem with her not wanting them parked outside her house when they dropped the DC off. Interesting to see it from the other side, absolutely no compassion for the ex-wife at all from the OW - not surprising really, I suppose it takes a certain type of person to actively destroy a family!

Keep going kid, I know we WILL get there! Sending you love and support and feel free to hijack whenever you need to x

PS. Are you me? I have also considered emigrating (we are so similar in our thoughts )

solost and banana, what lovely people you sound x

OMG I read some of that thread too. It was the 'OH being a wimp' one. I really should hide ones where the OPs are OWs, but thankfully she was getting such a battering from everyone else it made for ok reading in the end

she was deep fried and battered and salt poured all over her

Ooh, shame I missed that thread about the OW and respect... on second thoughts, I'd have got myself banned.... best to have missed it.

strength to both of you wonderful women.

Mmmm hungry now

Thanks all, have found the aforementioned thread and attach the link (oooh get me - technophobe no longer

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1172674-OH-being-a-wimp

Why hasnt it gone blue?

Think I did something wrong

Pete, is that you being ironic?

If not you are the the only person who could comment what lovely people we are after our discussion about ripping off complete strangers heads

Suff, Are you OK, just about to catch up with your thread, you're doing great btw! x

LMHF: Read the thread and weep!! It's give an interesting insight into the mind of the OW!

not ironic at all

you do sound like lovely people, with completely normal emotions

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1172674-OH-being-a-wimp

< polishes fingernails on collar >

Ooooooh!!! (at you're technical prowess!!)

Your

Need to put double square brackets round the link, see.

Read that thread too when it was first posted, and just thought "Lady, you don't know what you're in for, you silly, silly person"!!

solost I agree that it gives an interesting insight into the mind of the OW. So strange how quickly roles change though - I love how both her and her OH showed zero respect for anyone else when embarking on their EA, and now reap the rewards of being in a "normal" relationship with "normal" problems.

Wonder if it still seems so romantic/dangerous/destined now that she's sitting outside someone else's house whilst the HABITUALLY weak and pathetic man still can't say no to anyone. Much like he was unable to say no before starting the whole sorry business.

Karma's a bitch.

Bananahammoc and solost, the texting is to you, nothing to do with the kids. It's pure conscience-soothing, and, solost, your response about the throwing up was just right (bet his conscience didn't want that!)

you ladies who gave up a career for a family and are now still financially dependent on cheating men might like to have a whisper in this young woman's ear

sorry wrong thread

I have just spent over half an hour reading that thread - what an interesting little topic it was

Thanks guys, all of you. Solost I really think I am you, thats why i never feel the need to post because you always write what Im feeling. I had OW texting me over christmas (H had come home and left her) giving me advice on how the girls would not respect me because i used them to blackmail H. I did no such thing, the fact he put his own selfish needs above everyone, to spend Xmas with his DCs (age 7 and 4 BTW) and then realised it wasnt what he wanted and left again!!!!!!!!!! OW is 25, has no children but told me that she cares about MY DC enough to leave bobbles out for my H to make their hair nice and cooking recipes for their daddy to have fun with them (takes more than a soft hair brush to heal their broken hearts love). Sorry I could go on, I wont but you get the picture.

Last week H was texting saying how sorry he was, how bad he felt, how he will never be happy again, how he wanted to make it all fine for us and guess what.......... the day after it was as if he had never texted. These men are so selfish, they use our generosity for their own needs. I even feel guilty about being horrible to him, how ridiculous is that??? He wanted to video phone DCs tonight but I hate it when he is with his girlfriend as my eldest gets really upset even if she hears a noise cus she knows he is with OW. So I said no video phoning. I then got a text saying I was out of order, that he knew he had been bad and he wanted to salvage what he had left with DCs. I told him, very nicely, that he wasnt my concern, my concern lay with DCs and if they were ever upset I would move mountains to protect them, regardless what he thought. Im now feeling so so guilty about this, I just wish I could be half as selfish as H is.

I really do pray that one day karma will get to him. I suppose the best karma is when I dont care about karma and i am totally indifferent (if that makes sense). God will I ever be in that place?

Solost, this is so hard. I am with you every step of the way. I know you love H, I know because I feel it too. I know you try and see the good in him because you remember who u married and I know you would love him back home where he belongs. I know because I am the same. I hope it works out for you Solost I really do. I hope you get to a place where you are happy however that might be, but most of all I hope our Hs suffer greatly for losing such a loving, caring family and I hope they regret it forever xxxxxx

bananahammoc, don't think of it as being selfish; you are already beginning to understand that it is in your children's interests to (a) protect them and (b) prove to them that you won't put up with too much bullshit (and the amount you put up with is hopefully reducing faster than he shovels it...)

He is trying to use your instinct to help others against you, but as you fine-tune that instinct, you will tune him out so he no longer benefits. Won't he be cross then!

I totally agree with plu.

bananahammoc, your actions are the epitome of UNselfish - you chose the welfare and interests of your children over anything you or your H might want. Video calls upset them, therefore they will not happen.

That makes you very strong. Don't feel bad, please, you did absolutely the right thing. He's just hacked off because you're exerting some control over the situation.

Bananahammoc,

Thanks hun, feel so for you and your DC's. Its truely awful when the person who was instrumental in destroying your happy family professes to 'care' for your DC's. I think personally, they don't give a sh** but say these things as they think it's what our H's need to hear.

Good on you re: the video phoning - PLEASE DON'T FEEL GUILTY. He has to do things on your terms now, its not about HIS needs any more, its about the DC's. God when will they get this into their heads??? Incidently, H once mentioned to me that BB felt that I 'controlled' things re: the DC's, I answered incredeously, 'well of course I control things here, you walked out on us without a backward glance, if I WASN'T in control, who would be looking after the DC's whilst you are out drinking/eating/socialising?' - he couldn't go! If I had to charge for babysitting - he would be bankrupt!

Had an interesting call from his previous employer on Friday, they rang here (as they don't have his new mobile), I asked if I could take a message as I never hand out mobile no's without the persons permission, and was told that H's old car (which is parked on the roadside outside BB's waiting to be collected - would be collected immediately' right I said, apparently someone?? had rung on his behalf asking for it to be removed immediately. Passed on the message to H, was genuinely confused (as he was working away all week), turns out BB had rung his previous employers on his behalf to demand the car was removed - he seemed a bit put out about it tbh.

H also texted and asked if I could change the password on an e-mail account we both kind of share - didn't ask why. Anyway thats the news for this week.

H came and did football/dancing duties yesterday and DD had another dance comp today so came and saw her doing that too - wasn't feeling well , so not much conversation. Speaking of Karma - he hasnt really been well since he left tbh! always a cold, tummy upset, complaining that he's not sleeping too well [sceptical] aaah poor lamb .

I WILL work out for us Bananahammoc - really, I know it will. Whatever happens, we can hold our heads up high with the knowledge that we did our best for our DC's, that we were there for them 24/7 - unlike our Hs. And I also know they WILL/DO regret it, they probably already do - they probably will never admit it either, but its there. I asked H the other day if there was anything he would have done differently - if he could have re-run the last year (since the affair started) - he muttered that he would have never gone on the 1st business trip (the one where BB started 'coming on' to him [sceptical]).

You are doing fantastic, don't let him grind you down and always remember, you are worth sooooo much more than him. Take care and keep posting x