HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

PMSL Annie!

I love Annie's humour!

WWIFN, thanks for your post, it sound perfect when you write it down and I do know that is what I need to do. I am going to throw back to you what H's 'reservations' will be and would appreciate your thoughts/reactions:

1. H won't/can't commit to BB re: buying a larger property - anywhere.

1. H can't afford to buy/rent his own place without cutting back on his financial obligations here.

How do I get round this? I agree with the rest of your post and have printed it out to re-read when necessary!! Thansk

INTERTIA: Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate you taking time to ponder my dilema!

With regard to BB, she definately wants to be involved in the DC's lives, I know this from first hand experience. During the much discussed telephone call I had with her she was very clear on that - her exact words were 'I WILL be a big part of 'H's - (not our or my) DC's lives, they WILL be living/holidaying with us in the future'. I will always remember how she said this, that it was a given to her and left me completely cold.

Your ideas for H seeing the DC's at the weekend are kind of workable - but they would need to get a bigger place, the flat has one bedroom - where are the DC's going to sleep?

GETTINGEASIER: Glad that things are working out for you. You are right, the fact the my DC's will have a life which I have no conrol of, with people caring for the who I have never even met - well I really can't even contemplate it to be honest at the moment. I have not asked nor deserved any of this, yet it is forced upon me and I will resist for as long as possible. Unfortunatly, not only by the things that H tells me about BB but her attitude to me during our two telephone conversations, makes me feel that she is not a balanced individual at all, she has no experience of children and seems like a very selfish individual tbh

H used to keep going on about her 'taking them to Claires (accessories!!) to buy them presents and stuff - things that I DO WITH THEM!!!!! God it makes my blood boil just thinking about it - you are right, this is harder than H leaving!

Re; my comments about being a single parent, sorry I don't think I was clear about what I meant. I do enjoy it, to a degree BUT, I would never have chosen to do it, I hate the way I feel people judge me when I take them out to say Pizza Hut - everyone else is playing happy families - if you see what I mean? I really do think that kids deserve to have two parents that love and care for them, all the DC's friends have both parents and I worry they will somehow feel different? Sorry, I find it hard to articulate how I feel about this, but to you see what I mean? Obviously not having a go at anyone who chooses this path, its just not for me!

HORSES: The solicitor advised leaving things as they are at present, as H is paying more than he would legally be required to, but we did talk through getting a 'deed of separation'.

Got legal aid btw.

The other thing I would like your thoughts on are what I need to do if re: if anything happened to me, I have been thinking about this a lot recently. I wouldn't want H & BB to take the DC's over 100 miles away from their extended family and friends - this sounds really harsh doesn't it? But they both work full time - work away from home at least 1 or 2 days a week, would never be around to take the DC's to (a new) school or pick them up.

My mum is on her own now and the DC's are one of her few joys in life, H has not seen her since he left last August - I don't the the DC's would see her if anything happened to me?

I'll leave the majority for the experts, but my contribution as far as points 1 and 2 are concerned are:

1. H won't/can't commit to BB re: buying a larger property - anywhere. WON'T = SO HE SAYS TO YOU/ CAN'T = SEE 2 BELOW.

1. H can't afford to buy/rent his own place without cutting back on his financial obligations here.

You know he is paying over the odds as it were at the moment, in order for him to be able to leave BB, or indeed set up life with her, you know that one day he will have to either increase his salary, or reduce his outgoings.

You know this and are banking the excess for when that day comes. Get the Deed of separation sorted, have a look at your financial commitments and see if savings can be made, without too much impact. You will need to work out a fair agreement with him, whereby both of you are able to live freely.

Have you thought about going back to work? You know this may have to be something you might have to consider.

Hi Solo - I've no experience of being in your situation, but a couple of things occur to me reading your post.

WRT you asking WWIFN's advice on what your H will say to you when confronted about making alternative arrangements to see the children. I think in your shoes, I would simply say "That is your problem to sort out. I am just telling you that these changes must happen. It is up to you to make mutually acceptable arrangments, not me". And repeat, and repeat, and repeat....

I also notice that you say "I hate the way I feel people judge me when I take them out to say Pizza Hut - everyone else is playing happy families". I wonder if you a little over sensitive to how your situation might appear to other people (completely understandably). I take our 2 children to Frankie and Bennies/Pizza Hut etc without my DH from time to time, if say, he is working late or away. It hasn't ever occurred to me that people might make assumptions about our family life on the basis of this, and I am sure that actually no-one sees you as anything other than a lovely mummy taking her children out for dinner as a treat.

I can really understand that you must feel horrified at the thought of BB having any nice part in your childrens lives, I am sure I would feel the same in a similar situation. I am equally sure the reality would be totally different. I can't imagine for one moment that it would actually be any fun for her whatsoever, taking reluctant and resentful children out. She would probably be driven mad, not only when out, but also having someone elses children in her home, doing whatever normal, messy stuff children do.

Oh, and just to add to the question about single parenting. I hate the fact that I will probably have to give up 'every other weekend' with my kids. Something else I didnt sign up to. Just out of interest, how many married mums would be happy to do all the chores/school run/homework/cooking/ironing etc, then only see THEIR DCS every other weekend/Xmas etc?

Rant over

Ah Solo, it must hurt like hell. I'd would hate it with a vengeance

My friend's H wouldn't commit to his BB either. They didn't last but he started dating other women shortly after.
Even one that he started seeing while with his BB! Not surprising, really. Once a cheater always a cheater.

She also saw a good solicitor (££££) and he told her that a deed of separation was a waste of money because it wouldn't hold up in court for variety of reasons ... Maybe she was lying so she wouldn't have to do it? She is usually honest, though...

SCAREDOFCOWS: You are right, I used to take the DC's out when H was away on business - not very often, but I didn't feel that way then at all. I think the difference is now that it's all the time IYSWIM, ie. Saturday nights, when as I notice the other week, we were the only 'family' in the surrounding area without a 'dad' present. I probably am being too touchy, and will of course get used to it!

LMHF: Thanks, I have looked over an over again at the finances and they are cut back to the bone, there is no further movement, I have cut back the satellite TV, changed the gas/electricity provider etc. I have also suggested to H that I pay more, even sell the car which is costing a fair chunk and buy a run-around, its not like I go far, just use it for work and to run the DC's around. But H is insistent (atm) that he WILL pay for it all.

I have thought about getting a job, working doesn't bother me, I already do four (minimum wage/part time) jobs which fit around the DC's. Thats probably what will happen in the end, I just need to be around the DC's for as long as I can. It seems that eventually the majority of their care will fall to childminders/BB & H, not how I envisaged their lives would turn out

SCAREDOFCOWS: It is the WORST thing, far, far worse than H leaving now.

I can't contemplate it tbh, it makes me feel sick, teary, depressed

I DONT WANT THIS LIFE

Sorry, rant truely over, back to practicallities

STAREXPAT: Thanks, I hate all this legal stuff you know. Its like your life is reduced to, financial, legal shit really. All these strangers picking through your personal stuff. I try not to think about it too much - I know thats the wrong thing to do as well.

You know, I would give anything for my old, uncomplicated life back. Its true you never appreciate what you've got til its gone!

If you weren't around, your DC would most likely to have to go to their father and they would have to adjust their lives accordingly to make it work.

Yes I bet the weekend thing really does grate. Not as if you just fell out of love, he gets to take the DC away from you every other weekend, when he was the one that caused the schism in the first place.

One thing having a useless H is good for is the fact that I don't have to share the DS that I have literally done everything for from day one.

Honey this life will get better, it's better than one where you suspect he's up to something, and the very life blood of your marriage is being sucked out, right under your nose. The old life was latterly a sham, a lie, DH was playing away, cheating and scheming. You have grown so much and seen so much more now that if one was to wave a magic wand, you'd not like it even if you did go back.

FWIW, i have a relationship with my mother that I'd never would have had if dad didn't leave. Ok so she has her idiosyncrasies, bails when I have relationship issues, but she is a good friend and a good laugh.

On the subject of cutting expenses:

1. Why should H have a say about the car? If you say you need a runaround rather than an expensive car, why does he want the extra expense? (could it be to keep you dependent/ keep you two co-dependent?) Just change the car and be done with it (and his contribution).

1. Do you really need satellite TV? Lots of series are available on box-sets, so you can keep up with the US programmes (if that's what you're after), and freeview has got so much on it that I never feel the lack of something to watch. If it's the sky+ flexibility you don't want to do without, you and the kids can get a personal video recorder, or use the BBC and ITV's respecitive i-players.

1. Of course, you can also get a job, and the kids could, too. Your H might take this as a slight on his ability to "provide", but it's better to be honest: your and his financial situations are unsustainable. Your kids may also appreciate the extra sense of control they get, both from finally facing the cuts, and from making their own money. One of the proudest moments of my young life was when my mother had to borrow $300 from me. Thinking about that now, I'm proud of her, too: she wasn't too stupidly proud to do this, and she made me feel I really helped, a great thing for a mother to do for her child.

By the way, I'm sorry to be snooty about expenses; it's easy to cut someone else's expenditure, isn't it?

Solost I'm sure he will say those things, but then you come back to that oft used phrase you learnt months ago: "Well that's your choice".

Him seeing the children is his problem, not yours. It's his choice to live 100 miles away, not yours or the children's. If he wants to see them in future, it's somewhere else, on agreed nights and alternate Saturdays.

In the short term, he has to find another base camp, in the long term another home - it's his problem to sort, but those are your boundaries, like every other single parent that we know. You can point out if he needs you to, that this current arrangement is aberrant and that he has got away lightly for a long time, but stick to your guns.

He might be paying over the odds at the moment, but I'm sure your solicitor advised you that he cannot sell the family home from under your feet. He might have to reduce his contribution to certain bills in future if he buys somewhere else (you know that after all), but if he consults his own solicitor, he will be told what he's left with financially after he has met his obligations and then it will be up to he and OW what they can afford to buy, but that's their concern, not yours. They might decide to let the flat and rent somewhere nearer you, or sell the flat and use the proceeds to rent nearer. They do have options.

Remember, this is a long game. Anything can happen within the next few months, but you'll have your house back and the confusion and upset at seeing their Dad at home, will end for the children. At the moment, all you need to do is pretend that you personally no longer have any ideological objections to the DCs seeing the OW, but will respect their own choices in the matter. In actuality, you can cross that bridge when you come to it - it might never happen!

And of course this will all be proof to your H that you have detached magnificently.

Oh, sorry, I meant to add, about box-sets, that lovefilm and its ilk will include the boxsets in the "films" you want to see. "Movie nights" could be a family treat for you all.

solost, just wanted to add re: everyone else playing happy families in Pizza Hut, I feel exactly the same, going out with a whole bunch of children without my wedding ring on. I wouldn't ever notice if anyone else was wearing one or not before (and wouldn't care), it's not being snobby, it's just like you I didn't want my life to be like this :( But of course we have absolutely no idea what is going on in other people's lives. Statistically many people we meet/see while out will have been/are being cheated on. Plus lots of other horrible things - one of my close friends just lost her father whom she had a very complicated relationship with, and another suffers horribly with depression (near hospitalisation). Everyone has their cross to bear, no one is looking at you (or me!) except possibly in envy at your beautiful children all having a lovely time with their gorgeous mum x

Missed your most recent posts Solost. Losing the DCs for whole weekends might never happen, you know, or at least, not for a long while.

At the moment, all you will be asking for is that he sees the children somewhere else on a weekday night and Saturdays are going to be no different, except you will have them all to yourself on alternate weeks. Nothing really changes for you therefore, except you get to see your DCs more on nice days!

And life will change so much as they get older. When they hit the teenage years, you might be very glad indeed of a free weekend .

Solost

The thing is if your h is going to be with her long term then there is only so long you can demand that he keeps the dc away from her. Unfortunatley we cannot control this or what the ow is like around them and ultimately its so important to appear supportive of the situation for the dc or its just another thing they have to deal with.

My xh was very insensitive in that he used to borrow ows dogs to walk because he knows dd is dog mad. Literally the first time I was packing their weekend bag 2 weeks after he left he texted me saying to pack old clothes as they were going dog walking. Well it didnt take much to work out whose dogs they were even though ow wasnt actually there.

For around the first 3 months I would make sure the entire weekend was accounted for so I was busy and not at home breaking my heart. Then of course you have to smile and ask all about what they have been up to etc when they come home on the sunday night. I remember hating the sight of the bags by the door ready to go feeling they symbolised everything that was broken and unatural about my family

Once ow was official around 4 months in it was so very hard but by then of course I was starting to feel better and so coped ok.

I used to resent the way xh would never ever understand that pain and hurt, if and when I get a new partner he may have moments but it will never come close to what I had to endure.

The reason I am saying all this Solost isnt to send you into despair but to reassure you that it truly begins to get easier and slowly but surely you can really enjoy your time to yourself. Now I am at a point where frankly I give the dc a cheery wave and look forward to the plans I have made. I know experience will tell you that over time you will deal with this issue just as you have everything else

I am sorry you sometimes feel the way you describe about the single parent thing although I smiled at the "playing happy families" because sadly thats what so many people are doing ie playing. I am lucky that I have no qualms about being single because to be honest my life is so much happier now. My dc know a few divorced families too so I think that may help them.

I have posted a few times about the financial side of things so I wont nag but please think about this however hard it is. FWIW I struggled hugely to face this side of things and had some awful low points with it but I am so glad its sorted now.

Solost :( you have every right to be absolutely furious with your H, you never signed up for all this stress and hurt. And him crying crocodile tears about being sad does not improve the situation for you and the dcs one bit.

Sorry, I forgot about the 1 bed flat, that won't work.Another idea then : would your PIL be willing to accommodate H taking care of the children overnight on, say a Friday night - but then go out for the evening themselves, so they don't end up doing the child care for him ? They could come to you for cocktails / wine / a meal.

Hi Solost, not posted for a very long time but I am sure we are dealing with the same person i.e. H. I totally empathise although my H has his own flat nearby and the DCs stay with him Friday to Sunday every other weekend. The first few times the DCs went I curled up in a ball and cried and cried. I didnt want to see anyone or go anywhere. Im not saying its easy now by any means but I at least enjoy relaxing on a Friday, sometimes even a Saturday but Sundays are the hardest (Im hoping that will get easier). Ive been so low without my DCs Ive had such dark thoughts BUT I promise it gets easier. I still have moments when I call them and they are too busy to speak to me but I tell myself if they are happy then thats better than forcing them to go and to have them sobbing.

I cannot even contemplate them meeting B and I pray it will never happen. I think they are like cuckoos stealing from our nests. They do not care or understand because they wouldnt lower themselves to sleep with married men and cause our DCS such pain, if they did. We can only do the best by our DCs and allow them to come to their own conclusions. I know you are a strong, dignified lady and Im so proud of you, Im even beginning to feel proud of myself.

If I could just ask you ladies (hope you dont mind Solost) but when your H rings and says goodnite to DCs on an evening and then texts to say how are they? Did they go to bed OK? Is it OK to ignore. Its first time Ive done that tonight and Im feeling absolutely wretched as I know H loves DCS even if he is sat with B on the sofa, snuggled up as we speak? I just cant be a nasty person and detach where DCs are concerned????? Is this OK?

Sorry Solost Im with you every step of the way. I may be a little bit ahead of you but you aren't far behind and you are doing so well. Wish I had your strength some days. If B comes near my DCS I feel like I would rip her head off, although I did smile the other night and say to DCS "if you want to meet her thats fine" luckily they didnt, but I know it will come and Ill cross that bridge when I have to i.e. emigrate xxxxxx

bananahammoc - he is only trying to control you with his texting, and keep you hooked in, same as Solost's H did.
It is fine to ignore. He has spoken to them, he knows they're ok, he does NOT need to know anything else re. their bedtimes etc. If he was that bothered about them then he shouldn't have fucking left, should he!
So please, ignore them.

I'm sure that's right. Yes he should be allowed to call them, it's only right and decent. But after he's had his contact, he just has to trust you doesn't he? You're not terribly likely to murder them in cold blood as soon as the phone goes down, and in any case texting you would be unlikely to make a difference to that. (I am just about wicked enough to text back "No, they wouldn't go to bed, so I hung them up in the wardrobe by their toes", but I hope you wouldn't be. Ignoring is far more civilised.)

I suspect he's only trying to assuage his own conscience because he knows he should be there to tuck them up himself, but has put his own satisfaction first.

Thank you thumbwitch and annie - sometimes you just need to hear it. I usually texted back both fine, but they are not fine and Im starting to feel ever so slightly furious. Its been a long time coming......thank you xx