HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

I agree he doesn't have too many financial options, Scared but out of interest, would you feel the same way about a working woman who left her husband and he was unable to support himself and the family because he was the primary carer? Would you be as surprised by her choice to be supported financially for a while by her OM?

Interesting point WWIFN. In truth I probably wouldn't be as surprised, although I wouldn't think it was right. I'm not sure how someone can choose to put themselves at such a disadvantage (the leaving partner who has to be supported by the OW/OM) immediately on starting what one would presume to be a new and equal life with a new partner. To me, I think that going to live with someone that you've only know for a relatively short period of time, and a secret relationship at that (ie not shared with family/friends/colleagues openly) is quite a risky strategy, so I would think that having options open to one would be a necessity.

Glad you are happy.

It all takes time.

:)

I'm a little confused about H's back history - was it not the tearaway younger brother who was said to be the "golden child"? (Possibly because the parents thought he needed more support!) More of a case perhaps of the more responsible elder brother feeling subconsciously that doing the right thing didn't seem to have got him much of an advantage in life so he might as well kick over the traces and please himself for a change. Just a thought.

I don't buy the "you're so capable and she's so helpless" line one bit btw. If he really believes that man-grabbing, hard-drinking, independent career woman, who has screaming smashing fights and lays down the law about when he may see his children, is weak and needy then he's denying reality - or lying when he claims she did those things. If he really believes the woman who's loved him for nearly three decades, has made her life around him and is at home looking after his children, needs him less, then ditto. And if he believes that the supposed-to-be weak woman is better off with a man who (claims to have) smashed up her flat, er, wouldn't it be rescuing her to take his horrible fecked-up self out of her life? Nah - doesn't add up at all. He's either lying or practising massive self-deception.

But it was BB who kept calling H when solost and H were in London at DD's show. She was very apparently needy, then.

And H didn't go for her laying down the law about seeing the kids. He is such a good man that he realised his dc are top priority and then he laid down the law and said that he would see them whenever he wanted.

Well, I think we read it as insecurity, but do I misremember that he said at the time she was demanding? I still call bullshit.

btw I would really like to feel needed as well. I'd like dh to realise how much I do every single day despite the fact that we both work ft and realise how much his life does depend on what I do around the home. I would like him to let me take care of him when he's not feeling well instead of closing himself off and being grumpy... there is a longer list, but what do I do about it?

I communicate with him. We work together to make changes (some slower than others ). But I most certainly haven't gone off with another man who just fell into my life and persued me, to fulfill those desires/needs/whatever you want to call them.

Me too, Annie

Hmm....are you being ironic StarExpat?

Don't you think it's just as feasible that he asked the OW to call often while he was in London, as he would be missing her so much and that her calls would reinforce to Solost that he had another life?

And him laying down any laws at all to the OW, has never been corroborated. For all we know, the OW could have suggested he owed his DCs more time. Apart from Solost's ill-advised phone call to the OW, there is no evidence at all about the OW's wishes and desires. The ones she expressed in the phone call to Solost however would have been made permissible - and endorsed fully - by him and IMO, was precisely why he set the whole phone call up - so that he could stand on the sidelines and watch the women pit it out.

Do you know, I hadn't actually thought of that, WWIFN. It's a good thing you're on the right side, you're capable of such devious thinking! I certainly didn't get the impression he minded about the calls, regardless of any eye-rolling and tutting, as all he would have had to do was (a) be firm, or if that failed (b) switch his phone off. Or is that a thing that only old fogeys like me do at concerts? (Actually I'm such an old fogey I probably wouldn't have switched the phone on in the first place.)

I think it's the thing that all people with decency and manners do at concerts and for that matter, what an "old fogey" like this H would have done. I expect he was the sort of person who tutted loudly in the past, at people's bad manners. Ultimately, I don't think this man does anything he doesn't want to do. If he didn't want those calls, he would have stopped them.

I agree incidentally that he may have been carting around a script that his brother was the golden child, but I bet his brother would have claimed otherwise, at times. I bet Solost's H was extremely judgemental about his wastrel brother, to anyone who was prepared to listen....

I bet he did switch his phone off, actually - eventually - to show solost what a good man he is.

"IMO, was precisely why he set the whole phone call up - so that he could stand on the sidelines and watch the women pit it out."
Good thing solost is who she is, though. She certainly is a strong, amazing woman. She didn't fall for this at all. She told him to go off and talk to her. I bet that threw him completely off! I thought that was great!

Actually, I was referring to the time in the early days when the H insisted that Solost rang the OW to discuss whether she could meet the DCs. Unfortunately in those early days, Solost did walk right into it and blamed the OW for the whole thing, when I insist that he set the whole phone call up.

However, you're so right about Solost's behaviour at the concert being brilliant and it would have wrong-footed him like mad. The two incidents are apposite to recall at this juncture, because they demonstrate just how far Solost has come...

SCAREDOFCOWS: You are right, I have pointed this out to H, that he was planning to go to BB after just 8 weeks of their affair, he could never have known her at all back then or even after he DID leave (after a further 8 weeks). I remember when I confronted him after finding out, pointing out that if he (as he said he would) continued to support us financially that he would have nothing to contribute to his 'new life', he told me BB was OK about that, that she was more than happy to pay for everything and let him live there rent free - I remember thinking what desperate person would agree to such a thing?

ANNIE: Sorry, the part about his brother didnt come across well did it? His brother has always been the 'golden child' even though he has basically mucked up his life until now. His parents have always had more time for him and had a much closer relationship with him than H. I think maybe because H followed a conventional path, maybe they felt he didn't need as much support?

WWIFN: Still mulling over your earlier posts but regarding the O2 calls, H did turn off the phone when we got to the venue and the turned it back on when we left.

Hi solost, it's good to read about how your single life is going

WWIFN: Feminist politics hmmmm, think H would think they are a bunch of bolshy lesbians tbh!!! No seriously, I wouldn't have thought he'd have a problem with it - after all he is living with one at the moment!! I think his comments about when he first met BB were more directed at her sales/marketing persona - he would have said the same of either sex.

Regarding seeing him/him seeing the DC's, you are right, part of me still wants to see him - not sure why anymore, maybe part of me needs to be reminded of what we once shared? I do try to keep out of the way though and he certainly does not spend anywhere near as much time here as he once did. You are right about the DCs though, they don't care where they see him as long as they do. I was thinking earlier this evening whether them seeing MORE of him was damaging to them? I would like your thought on this please.

Regarding him moving nearer to the DC's, as I said earlier, this was always one of their goals right from the start and they were looking to do just that during January/early Feb, but H apparently couldn't let BB move away from her family/friends for his benefit without any financial commitment from him. I will broach the subject again, however I asked DD last night, whether she would like to see where H was living or meet his girlfriend and she said 'no, never' therefore I left it at that. I am pleased about it tbh as the thought of my children having a life I have no part of or control of fills me with sadness. It seems so unfair that though I have done nothing wrong, I will have to share my precious weekend time with my kids with the woman who was instrumental in destroying their family. That they will get all the 'good times', the zoo visits, shopping trips etc. and I get the homework, washing, ironing, shoe cleaning etc - it seems so unfair.

He probably does have ridgid rules about some of the roles of males/females in society, but is it so wrong for someone to want to provide for their family, be the breadwinner so that mum can stay at home and look after the DCs? I suppose we are conditioned by our own experiences to an extent, my mum (and H's) were both SAHM (although they both had part time jobs once we went to school) and I always look back fondly at my childhood and the fact my mum was always there to pick us up from school, help with homework etc.

I don't think he and BB should move closer, just him. If he is so irritated by herald unhappy with her, then just leave her and move closer to home. That's what I was saying

Thanks Suff, its going OK - really. You will get there you know. Just give it time!

I am working my way through redecorating the house, sorting out new passports for the DC's (we WILL go abroad this summer if I have to work every spare hour I can!). Just need to get my social life sorted now! The problem is, the DC's do so much after school stuff between them (even one activity each = 3 days!) and I don't really like asking PIL to run them around. My mum hasn't got a car so I can't ask her - and who would really want to spend 2 hours on a wet windy touchline? seriously?

But I will get there and I am feeling much more positive now - you will too, you know. Take care x

solost have you thought what you're going to do as and when H doesn't give you as much money for the house/bills etc? All supposing he and BB do stay the course, the current arrangement isn't going to last forever.

(I dont think they will of course, but am a be-prepared type person!)

Also wanted to say - is there a part if you that wants him to come to yours because you know it must drive BB crazy that he's there? nothing wrong with that btw. It's probably how I would feel!!

STAREXPAT: I don't think he could afford to, unless he cut back on what he pays here. He's kind of stuck there - suppose its poetic justice in a way.

I guess if he was really unhappy, he could move in with his parents

I know it drives her crazy - she texts all the time he is here - I do get some sick satisfaction out of it I suppose, you reap what you sow and all that. I think that they thought that I would kick H out, and they would have the DC's every weekend to play 'happy families'. However, they didn't take DC's feeling into account at all.

I remember H once saying, back in the Autumn that BB just wanted the DC's to know what a 'nice person' she was, and that she wanted them to see where H was living so they could see how well she was looking after him?? No mention of what THEY might want.

I don't think he would move in with them.

Their relationship is 'strained' to say the least at the mo!