HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Thank you lovely MN ladies, you made me laugh :)

I am going to go back to solost's threads from the beginning, and read them in a completely different light, and make notes. What an amazing comfort and weapon the knowledge of the script will be.

I phoned the benefits people today, tax credits tomorrow, solicitor this week.

He has done me a favour really. If he had left in November I would have been in a state, I still thought he was my husband and was in love with him. But all this crap over the last four months meant that I could watch him sobbing today, telling me he loves me, and feel nothing. Well, I think I felt sad for the future I had hoped for, and I feel desperately for my children, and a bit sorry for me at how hard this is going to be. But I'm going to bloody do it.

I'm not worried at all about their relationship. Even if he does move in with her, I know what he's told me about her, in minute detail, I know how much begging he has done over the last few weeks, I know that he has no loyalty to her whatsoever. He will just say whatever to whoever if he thinks it will get him what he wants. She is more than welcome to that.

One thing H did say was that his parents are giving me quite a hard time. Asking him what it was I did, or what it was about me that made him want to leave. I think he's trying to stick up for me at the moment, and I kind of understand that they don't want to see their son for who he really is, but it's a bit crap.

suff, your PIL are innocents in this

feel sorry for them

they may be of the generation (or stupid mindset, not always a generational thing) that thinks a man only strays if his wife isn't good enough at putting out, or doesn't give enough blow jobs, or doesn't keep the house nice enough, or doesn't keep herself looking pretty

their little prince can probably do no wrong and he will be giving them an utter sob story (all about him, and how you are BU etfuckingcetera)

there is also the option that your H is spinning you a line about them, to big himself up to you

"he's trying to stick up for you" ?

love, don't fall for it

you only have his word for what they have said...remember this, do not be fed a line...reserve your judgement

solost's H did it about the BB, remember ? Feeding her little snippets of information, completely controlled by him because who could refute it, designed to keep solost on the back foot and hanging on for more info

be wise

I'd speak to the pil's directly - and in the nicest possible way, tell them the truth without laying blame. They can work that out for themselves. You have no idea what he's been telling them (or omitting to say, for that matter). They're always going to be in their gcs lives so they deserve to hear it from both sides. Who knows, they might surprise you (my mil didn't speak to H for 6 weeks as she was so disgusted with him and normally if a week goes by without a call I think she must have died!).

I can't remember the start of your back story but even if you did have minor issues, the fact is that he wasn't able to man up to the challenge of having children and a normal, adult relationship and instead decided to disappear into teenage fantasyland behind your back - so make sure they know you have booted him for lying and deception, even though you were trying your best. Because you are mature and responsible, and he is a feckless twunt

Suff if you go back to your thread, I think it was thumbwitch who commented that especially among elderly relatives, somehow it's always the women that get the blame. Either the wife or the OW come in for a lot of stick, but it's especially horrible if it's the wife, because logically, absolutely no responsibility should be passed to her for her husband's behaviour.

If there is however one thing your arse of a husband has learnt in the past 4 months, it was that this had nothing to do with you or your relationship. It was all about him. Therefore, it's possible he did challenge some of the PILs' remarks, because he knows what they are saying is a crock of shite.

I'm really glad that you feel that the last 4 months haven't been wasted, because I agree and would feel the same. I think had he left in November, had you not come onto Mumsnet and had as many conversations with him, you would have been carting around a completely flawed script about why this happened. I think it might be a good idea if you can bear it, to read through your entire thread one of these days.

What he clearly wanted then, was for this relationship to fizzle out in its own time. Perhaps he didn't want you to find out, like you have thought all along? I wonder what he's been telling that church counsellor all this time and whether he's been lying to him too? I think it's pretty evident that your H doesn't think this relationship is built for the long haul (bet OW doesn't know this though) but doesn't it show the height of arrogance to wonder whether you'll be willing to try again, when it does fizzle out?

You can divorce on the grounds of adultery within 6 months of discovery - anything longer than that and you are deemed to have accepted the situation. However, as I understand it, these grounds make divorce more expensive and are reliant on the respondent admitting it, so I suspect a solicitor will advise that you go for unreasonable behaviour. I wouldn't hang around at all with the divorce. I'm sure he doesn't want one, but it's not about what he wants, is it?

Thanks, I will remember that about the pils and try and talk to them directly as much as possible.

As far as H and OW's relationship fizzling out goes, H has never made a decision or taken responsibility for anything in his life. I "ended" (although not really) the affair, I ended the marriage. He just sits back and lets things happen to him, as one wise MNer pointed out to me on my thread months ago. Not the kind of person you want as a life partner really. I think all these aspects of his personality are going to come crawling out of the woodwork now.

Had a wobble today, thinking that while I couldn't give a monkeys what H is up to in his own time, one reason he couldn't stay at the house for extended periods is because I couldn't bear for him to be in contact with OW here. I don't need that in my home. I think that was what upset me, more than the thought of them together, was the betrayal and deception factor. But 5 mins crying out of another glorious day is not too bad!

Benefits all sorted, just need to call the solicitor. H is saying he'll support me, give me whatever I need. He can come across as so kind and charming, I will have to work very hard to remember what's underneath.

Honey, of course you are going to wobble, these are early days. You are so strong, but you've had an almighty shock and it'll take a while to steady yourself.

PS thanks so much for letting me crash here solost, hope you're ok.

Forgot to say, we also told the kids this evening. They didn't bat an eyelid! Oldest is 5 though so maybe not surprising. We said Daddy wasn't going to be living here any more, he'll still see you lots and will always always love you. Their response: oh. When will the pancakes be ready?

Thanks LMHF. I'm a bit nervous about how fine I am, trying to prepare myself for a collapse at some point. But I just know this is the right thing now, which is giving me strength.

Hi sufficient

I know what you mean about feeling fine. I think sometimes you have so much adrenaline pumping around at these crisis points that you cruise through them, and then the crash comes later.

Good to hear the children were ok. It is very hard to reconcile the H that you thought you knew, with the actual H he has been proved to be isn't it? Makes me feel quite loopy at times!

H and I have had a bit of a mini-reconciliation, where we basically had time out from the misery and just had some nice time together as 'best friends' which is what we have always been. But we are still very much separated at the moment and don't know if this small break in hostilities means anything or not, or if it is just a hopeful sign for us being friends, even though we are separated. The whole thing is such an exhausting headfuck that I don't know what I think about anything anymore!

Hope you are ok as you can be.

tell me about it..

If you know it's the right thing, then it IS the right thing. you may not collapse, you are probably running on adrenaline, and you will struggle at times, but as everyone is telling me, be kind to yourself..

Just to chip in, divorce on the grounds of adultery does not have to be within six months.

This only applies if you were divorcing for adultery after a one night stand ie sex happened as a one off and you didnt say anything and then suddenly decided over six months later that one off was not acceptable. In that scenario it would not be grounds but the adultery most of us are talking about can be grounds for divorce whenever we like. Joy.

Hi Suff,

Crash for as long as you need to. People are probably bored of me banging on anyway .

We are all fine, detaching is going OK and as H starts his new job next week he is spending the week away - so easier for us!

There are a couple of things I would like everyone thoughts on though, H told me the other day he has started feeling embarassed and ashamed of what he has done, he said he has always felt guilty but these were new feelings for him, I just replied Oh OK. He also asked me what I thought about him seeing a 'therapist' to help him find out why he embarked on his affair??? Told him that I thought he had the answer inside him somewhere but maybe someone neutral could help him? He also asked if he could borrow my 'Not Just Friends' book - I bought it when I first found out about his affair and told him about it then. More mind games?

You are doing so well Suff, I hope my earlier threads do help - I was in such a terrible place back then and I started posting on here 3 months after I found out. To do so before would have been impossible, I was struggling to put one foot in front of the other - literally. I think I also need to re-visit them, just to acknowledge how far I have come - I know you will get there too - I am proof of that.

One other thought, not sure if its relevant but hey! am on a roll! I was thinking about your situation and I think that for me, H did the right thing leaving. I think if he had stayed, he would always have yearned for 'what could have been' with BB in his little romantic bubble world and I could never have lived with that. Do you see what I mean?

Anyway, am going to bow out for a bit and let you get all the support you need - take care of yourself, I know you CAN and WILL get through this - you are doing so well, much better than I was at this point. X

take care solost x

Thanks Pete, you too x

Solost - I think that you might as well assume they are mind games. Because until he ends his affair with BB and moves out to live on his own, they probably are. He is just testing the water the whole time to check you are still involved - keep detaching and tell him to buy his own copy of the book! You're not a lending library!

Being completely cynical you could say that the only reason he wants to read the book is to find out where you are getting your strength from - for the love of God don't tell him about MN! reading the book might give him more ideas on how to keep you hooked on his line. So I hope you haven't lent it to him.

Re. the therapist - that is entirely up to him. It's not your problem or really your business any more and you should continue to remind him of that at every available opportunity. I'll say it again (although you must be fed up of it by now ):
unless it's about the children and their welfare, you don't need to listen to it.
So stop.

The therapist line - if he goes that route, or even pretends to, is just going to give him another opening to talk to you about HIM: "my therapist says that blah blah blah - what do you think? Was I always like that?"
What he chooses to do is down to him. Let him get on with it and show as little interest as you politely can (which is dealt with by saying "Really?" in a faintly bored voice and then changing the subject.)

Have a nice break but feel free to post whenever, especially if you feel you are slipping again. :)

reading the book might give him more ideas on how to keep you hooked on his line

unless it's about the children and their welfare, you don't need to listen to it.

thumby has it nailed

Hi amicable, as always I know what you mean. H looks exactly like my husband, like the man who has shared my bed for the last 8 years, but inside? He's a complete stranger I can't trust as far as I can throw him. When he's around a fog descends in my brain, and then when he's gone it clears and I think, oh yes, that's why I'm going to divorce him.

And with the best friends bit as well, of course we still get on really well, can still make each other laugh. I can picture us being friends, and getting on well as co-parents, but I know we can't rush to that stage without healing and getting over each other separately first.

solost no! Please don't go anywhere. I will start my own thread, promise. Your H just keeps on pulling these tricks out of his sleeve, you need to keep hearing MN's cynical but almost certainly right take on his latest antics.

I was reading the 'still angry after EA' thread and thinking - we don't have to go through that. I was worried that H would see this affair as his grand passion, even if we did get over it he would look back in retirement or whenever and remember it fondly, thinking wow I had an amazing year once. Now he can look back on it and think oh yeah, that was what cost me everything.

I have told H that our conversations will consist of talking about the children, finances and his stuff. I have to bite my tongue a lot, I've got lots of questions, but have to think a) I don't care, b) I cant believe anything he says anyway, and c) aside from those three topics, nothing in his life is important or relevant to me anymore.

wow, that's excellent sufficient! you have moved on a lot. :)
I really hope that these men do end up regretting what they've done to their own lives and those of their family - but I somehow doubt that most of them do.

I had a client once - he was already on his second marriage, and had been with this lady for 10 years. She also became a client (a mistake I wouldn't make again). Anyway - for whatever reason, he decided he needed to move on from his wife - and he did. He moved away, ostensibly for work - but it was part of his escape plan. He mentally boxed her up and put her in his brain equivalent of the attic. Full compartmentalisation, it was impressive but very sad to see. He no longer cared about her feelings, her outpourings left him cold. They divorced; and within a week he had re-married and moved abroad (I know this because I was still seeing the ex-wife as a client). I don't know how many men can achieve this as effectively as he did; perhaps it's harder for them to do so when they have children with the ex. This man didn't.

Not sure if that's helpful - hope it might be, but not everyone's the same.

thumbwitch am preparing myself for that too. As has been said, H has all the emotional intelligence of a fart, and it's highly likely that he will never properly value what he has lost. I have to tell myself that what's important is that I know I'm better off without him, no matter how much or how little he actually suffers. He probably will think his life now is brilliant, in his poor deluded little fantasy world, where infatuation/lust = real love, and leaving a loving wife and children = freedom to go to the pub when you want.

suff, you sound very switched-on

Solo - it is a shame that your ex H doesn't live near a bookshop or have access to Amazon. If he did, he could have bought the book himself without having to tell you about it. Prick!

Excuse the pun, Solost, butyou can read your ExH like a book.

He's looking for someone/something to give him an 'professional' excuse for his behaviour so that his feelings of guilt and embarassment don't overwhelm him. Sort of 'I couldn't help myself/it was going to happen whatever...'

Its like one of my DCs saying that if I hadn't bought the biscuits they wouldn't have had to eat them.

We all make choices; he made his and its not your responsibility to make him feel better about it. Peace of mind is something which will be elusive to him.

Thankfully that is his problem, not yours.

I lend people books when I want to discuss the books with them, generally because we have had a big discussion about something and I think the person would really enjoy the book as much as s/he seemed to enjoy the conversation. Not the sort of friendly desire, for someone to have something s/he is interested in, which is appropriate here... At all.

(sufficient, maybe that sort of intense discussion is what happens at the "TwaCademy" that LMHF and Peter Andre suspected your H was enrolled in! Can you imagine the curriculum of "leaving home"-work, and SEMENars?).

I think you did all right there, Solost. He asked you what you thought about therapy, you gave an objective answer about the benefits of therapy. As Thumbwitch says, you could have been even more neutral, and will probably need to be when he starts trying to use you as a sounding board for the wonderful things he finds out about himself. It's all more self-indulgence, isn't it, with a side order of keeping the wife hopeful that he will see the light any day now.

Let him gaze at his navel for an hour a week at vast expense if it floats his boat. I dare say the love of his life will worry that he's getting too close to his therapist, which is a bonus. There are still no signs that it will make any difference to his behaviour. He'll just use more technical terms to mess with your head.

Thumb has it, don't you dare give him that book. That book is not for him, the book he needs is Pondscum: The manual to live with the guilt of being a lying, cheating lowlife.

This is him trying to garner sympathy, the guilt, the shame, the should I go to counselling.

SHH!, can you hear that?

It's the worlds tiniest violin, playing the world's saddest, saddest tune...

TIP: If you have to go to counselling to help you overcome the guilt and shame of being in a particular relationship.... END IT. It's clearly WRONG!

This is another version of his googling mental breakdowns and acting upon it.

Simply point him in the direction of Amazon and tell him to use the Search Facility, keywords Infidelity, Cheat, Liar, Divorce.

I have the desire to shout the word CUNT, but can't cos I really object to it as a word. #justsaying