HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

suff just caught up with u here. Posted on the original thread too. Just to say I am thinking of you.

Good to hear he has actually left. How you must be feeling I cannot imagine. Try and rest as much as poss. X

Hi sheba, thanks for tracking me down! I slept, thank God. Not sure H did, has been texting all night. It's delusional. Everytime I start to wonder, I just think of those phone bills, hundreds of calls and texts, in the middle of me giving my absolute all. Everything I went through, and he continued to deceive, betray and humiliate me every day.

Where's the emoticon?!

SUFF: Thinking of you. Take care. x

Sufficient - you can live in the knowledge you did everything in your power to make your marriage work, the only one who didnt give their all with your H, he as you say continued in his fantasy of the OW and deceiving you. He really is living in bonkersland! Hope your day isnt too bad, thinking of you.

Hi Solo, how did your weekend go? Hope everything is good in the Solost household.

Oh the closing the door after the horse has bolted... 'H' did this too, not now though.

I'm sorry I had to back away last night, like Pete, I was really upset by this. Why do people have to be so bloody cruel? I'm struggling at the moment, but putting one foot in front of the other. I'll get there.

Suff, you may be in shock, I know the rug has been pulled from underneath you, you feel betrayed and winded. He is literally beneath contempt, don't speak to him unless you have something to say, and feel strong enough.

Till then, you know we are always going to be here for you.

Suff, I've read your threads before. How horrible for you. There were times I have read you wondering, panickinng, if he was still in contact, around the shops, etc.

All along he was :( what an utter £!£!^ I'm so sorry, stay strong though, sounds like you are. There comes a snapping point for everyne dosen't there?

What a beautiful day on which to start a new life!

It is a beautiful day, isn't it? Clear, sunny and crisp. Spring will be along any minute. Farewell to doubt and indecision. Welcome to the return of courage and independence.

You can do this.

Totally agree with Annie, no more doubt and indecision, a new life putting all that behind you and knowing that in your future you will make your own happiness. Thats one thing I know I have to do is make my own happiness and not put that in anyone elses hands and never take second best.

Onwards and upwards Solo and Suff, we will make it to the end of this long road way before these men as hopefully they will oneday be looking back to the mess they have made of their lives.

Suff - went through a very similar period of deception with my Twunt when I first took him back following his 13 months affair.

Even now I'm finding out things. It doesn't hurt any more, in fact I just laugh and think what an absolute tosser he really is.

As soon as I caught him at it for sure the second time, he was gone and running to the "greatest love of his life" who he was willing to walk away and give up everyone and everything he loved to be with. She immediately kicked him into touch and told him it was just a bit of fun. The Old Whore is still with her partner of 20 odd years and miserable - and on to her 6th affair with a married man .

He's now just about to move in with the woman he soon took up with 2 weeks after this all happened - they're a match made in heaven (especially because it means they're not fucking anyone elses lives up).

You are in control of your life now - not her and especially not him.

Make it something really special, you'll not believe you can - but really you will. I have, so if I can after the suicidal mess that I was in, anyone can .

This goes to Solo, Romney and all the other gorgeous ladies out there who have been treated like this (and guys too of course).

- Spring is almost here, the season of new beginnings.

xx

Lifemoveson, how long ago did this happen to you? I too was that suicidal mess and have moved past that period thank goodness. I really hope that life will get better for all of us that have been treated so badly. It really helps reading over peoples experiences of life moving on!

I am slowly working my way through Solost's threads and taking a lot of inspiration for her journey and strength through all the crap that has been put on her and her DC (you are doing great!).

sufficient - not seen your original thread, but can guess some of what you have been through from the posts. Really, really sorry to hear that you are having to go through this deception after making the effort to work through things with your H. As someone else posted - how can people be so damn cruel, selfish and evil??!! It beggars belief that they can love you one day and then turn so viciously the next without a care in the world bar their supposed devotion to the OW and their own happiness.......I really do feel for you and hope that you are doing okay. It is indeed a lovely day and certainly a good one for new beginnings....take care.

Ok, so H has just left. He came tonight to put the children to bed, and then we had a chat about logistics.

He has a real problem with me saying that he can't spend time alone with the children in this house (ie on Saturdays). He says that he knows he's not living here any more, it is my home, but it's still half his house that he's paying for. I stood my ground, but I'm not sure what will happen - his parents where he is staying at the moment only has 2 bedrooms, so the kids cant sleep over, and it really almost is too small for them all to be there the whole day.

He doesn't want me to file for divorce. He kept asking me what I want, whether I might feel differently in a year's time. But then, he tells me that the reason he couldn't give up contact was because of how much he feels for OW. So WHY doesn't he want us to be over so they can be together? I am literally baffled. I know there is no marriage left, but nor do I particularly want him living with OW. Trying to understand him is hurting my head, I know I just need to give it up.

He was in a state, and I cried a bit, and was a bit shaky, but really I'm fine. Children were difficult today, they're picking up on everything :(

he wants you both

he can't have you both

a child of 6yo understands that concept

I agree, take a break from trying to understand him. You never will. You have been doing that for months, and look where it got you both.

Send him to her. She can have the booby prize, because that is all he is.

suff, he doesn't want you to file for divorce, of course he doesn't! He wants to know that you do really still love him and that the door is open for him to come back again should his feelings for the OW suddenly diminish. In other words, he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Stuff him - file for divorce when YOU want to, not some arbitrary point in the future when he decides it's ok after all! And if you haven't already done so, do go to a solicitor as well. Perhaps there is some kind of limitation on how long you can divorce on the grounds of adultery? Perhaps he is trying to get you past that point, so things go more in his favour? YOu need to check.

Well done for refusing to allow him to be alone in your home with the DC now - let him take the DC out for the day. Put some effort in, rather than coming back and playing "happy families" for the day as though nothing has changed.

As Peter says, stop trying to understand him - all you have to remember is that his motives are purely selfish. He doesn't want to lose you, but he can't give up the OW because his feelings are too strong? Well he can just fuck off over to her then, can't he! And if he realises he's made a mistake, well too bloody bad - because he should have realised what an arse he was being looooooong ago and stopped hurting his wife and family with his stupid selfishness.

Stay strong - I'm sorry that your H is such a selfish nobber and I hope that you can move on from him now that you know how little he values you and your relationship.

Oh, and if he comes out with any shite about her being "like a drug", or an addiction, or even his "soulmate" then you can just add that to his list of monumental stupidity.

Have an unMNly (((hug))).

deja vu

I wonder how much suff's H's script will follow solost's H's script

it really is so sickeningly predictable isn't it [anger]

It is ridiculous how these men try to gain sympathy from all sides. And the "just can't help myself" attitude is so irritating!

Like solost's "H". He keeps trying that card, too. Yet he's still with the BB!

Sufficient :( well done to you for standing your ground.

suff...go back to the beginning of solost's first thread

I am sure she would hope you could protect yourself against some of the mistakes she made in the early days

you will be able to predict what he does next, before the dumb fucker even forms the thought in that swamp that passes for his brain

Pete, I was about to say the exact same thing. It's the same shitty line Solo's H pulled.

Is there some Wanker School they all enrol in? Some TwaCadamy?

Suffy, you know everything said to Solo over the last few weeks, so you can learn well.

You can cut the BS right now, and tell him exactly how it's going to be. He's sticking to a script, you can go through the motions with the Survivor Script that Solo has been following even if you don't feel very strong. Knowing what you need to do and why ought to give you the courage to do it, even if you aren't yet detached, even if you don't feel like it, you know what needs to be done.

Wonder when he'll google mental breakdown and throw his tantrum..

perhaps soon he will decide he "just can't be a weekend dad" and threaten not to see the kids

Fuck me, Pete there seems to be something in the air at the moment doesn't there?

Everywhere we look there are wankers breaking hearts and families.

Dark days. Dark days.

Suff please get yourself some legal advice. I remember WWIFN mention once, that adultery cannot be used if the affair was over six months ago (don't know how true it is).

Your head must be pounding at the moment. In the early days of my discovery, I couldn't physically swallow. The up side being I lost a stone and a half in 3 weeks! But not eating isn't the way to go, I felt dizzy and nauseous all day. A good friend of mine bought me Bach's rescue remedy. Somehow, it did make me feel calmer, and also Dextro (Not sure of exact name) tablets, just for some energy.

Sorry I've no better words of wisdom. Only the other day, I said on yr thread that I couldn't convey my feelings very well. But I am desperately sad for you. You really could not have done anymore than you did. And FWIW, I drew great strength and comfort in your actions during the past couple of months. I have no doubt that you will carve the correct path....

You must hurt like hell. Just don't let me carry on messing with your head any longer. I've never expressed anger on a MN thread beofre, but I could truly smash a brick through your shitty H's skull.

Sufficient, I am so flippin' mad it has taken me a whole bowl of treacle pudding to be able to mentally formulate a post that didn't involve copious amounts of swearing.

But fuck me, what a self important anus he is. He thinks he's so important and so wonderful that you should just hang around and wait, just in case he changes his mind and comes back? Because obviously he's the shining centre of the universe, isn't he, the one and only that you live your life to please? It's about time you got volcanically angry with him and his breathtaking arrogance.

How dare he think that after all he has done to you and your children; how he has treated you, that you'll be remotely interested in him after he's spent a year messing around and mooning after that old cow? Tell him you're now out of his league, because he has the emotional intelligence of a fart.

Oh - and I wouldn't worry too much about her. If he can come back to you for 4 months he clearly can't be 100% about her. And now she's his only hope of a bed for the night rather than an exciting bit on the side with whom he snatches forbidden moments I bet the glitter of their love will fade pretty rapidly and he'll have the rest of his life to dedicate to regrets while you move on the much better things.

sheba, you "convey" very well indeed, sadly