HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

All he's doing is laying the ground for his own means, and using the guise of blame to do it.

You still don't realise this? He tried to introduce OW by stealth (presents) when you said no, he could say to you how out of order she was, he'll say the same to her about you.

This friend, he was laying the grounds of life without you, you know that don't you? To see if you could cope, you reacted and proved you couldn't :(

He no doubt socialises with this friend, him and bb, I have no doubt are very much the couple to friends, and they have common ground don't they, after all

The thing is in reality him and BB, are probably playing the happy couple to everyone but you. This was him laying the ground to a friends and family occassion with her and not you, as that is how it is with him now.

You reacted, he could blame the friend, how unreasonable, in the meantime that's what he is no doubt saying behind your back.

I do wish you could see him for what he is. He is an utter shit, you can just tell that from the months you have been posting and he's just playing with you. He is playing you all off against one another, don't get involved.

I do wish you could just formalise the days of contact, formalise the communication via email and nothing more.

he is a liar and a cheat, he can't be trusted.

plupedantic, I was upset, but more because it didn't seem like H was having to pay for anything he'd done, rather than that I thought they should be supporting me. It's good that we know people who are kind and supportive, and I know they would never condone it, I just wish they would have been a bit more "you bastard" kind of thing! Fortunately I have some amazing RL friends who would have H's guts for garters if I let them, so that makes me feel a bit better

Solo As everyone else has said, he is playing all off against the other. I'm not convinced he is doing it coldly and deliberately, I just think he is extremely weak and doing it this way is simply easier for him. Maybe he doesn't even realise he is doing it. If he did, surely he would see how transparent he is being? Perhaps he is just a little thick (over this kind of stuff)?

I have to say that you really do find out who your friends are when your relationship breaks up. But you do have to remember that in reality, your H has not actually done anything to the friends to make them decide they don't wish to socialise with him. In this instance, the friend in question has chosen him over you - in which case, let her go. It hurts of course but let her go, she's not worth worrying about.

with my ex - I had been the one who mostly maintained the friendships with his friends anyway - so where there were girlfriends involved, they stayed as my friends - but sometimes they did have to socialise with other single male friends and my ex and his bint. They fed my need to know what she was like, we had a few bitchy conversations about her (not healthy but fun ) and they remained staunchly my friends, even to the point that I was invited to one couple's wedding in America and my ex wasn't. But whenever I heard about them meeting up with him and the bint, it hurt - why him? however, the rest of our friends were mostly my friends (I don't think we had any friends we had met as a couple) and they of course all stayed loyal to me.

I'm rambling on a bit. I just wanted to sympathise with the feeling of being "erased and replaced" - know it all too well - but those people who did that to me are no longer in my life, nor do I ever pine for them. If they don't value me enough to keep my friendship, then it's their loss. Same for you. Only keep the friends who value you and forget the rest. :)

Thanks THUMB you articulate exactly how I feel. But tbh, most, if not all H & I's friends live over near me, and he hasn't socialised with them at all with BB. In fact a close friend of his is having a party tommorrow and H is not going - I am really surprised about it actually.

You are right of course, she wasn't really a close friend (even though we were invited to her wedding), I suppose it was a bit of a reality check for me and maybe thats why it upset me so much?

XALES: Have done as you suggested, texted H along the lines of 'sorry I overreacted re: the invite, just a bit shocked you were invited and I wasn't I suppose. Anyway if you want to take the DC's along I don't have a problem wihh it'. He replied that no, he didn't want to take the DC's and he didn't want to go either.

He came to take the DC's out this afternoon and I asked him again, told him it was fine with me, he said no.

ROBBER: I understand exactly how you feel, I feel exactly the same. All my friends however, have been brilliant, some are coolly polite to H, others blatantly ignore him. I think he has a problem with his own friends though, thats one of the reasons he left his job. He used to see them all the time and now he doesn't really see them at all. Guilt maybe?

SCAREDOFCOWS: I don't know whether he realises he is playing us off against each other - but I do see how it appears. I think I need to ease up a bit maybe, stop being so uptight and let it all roll over me. Stop caring so much - I think that it what I am trying to say !

I'm not surprised by his reaction to you saying it was fine. If she's not a close friend, he probably initially didn't even really want to go anyway, but, as others said, he was testing for your reaction.

Now he's had another opportunity to "prove" to you that he's "loyal" to you and dc and wouldn't consider it. I'll bet inside though, he was quite surprised by you saying it would be ok. But also satisfied to know you'd been thinking about it.

You seem like such a lovely person. You seem amazing. I just feel sad when you hang on to the things that he says that make it seem like he's the victim and is really a "good guy". He's so manipulative! You deserve so much better.

Hmmmmmm

^Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.

Dance workshop weekend

Murder mystery weekend

Cocktail making course

Am-dram

A choir

Business networking evening: try your local Business Link. They needn't know you aren't after entrepreneurial contacts, but the schmoozing....

Basic car/household maintenance course (useful skills, which will keep your H's helpfulness at bay!)

Bellydancing class - great fun and good for fitness too

Learn a new language. Sign up for a course, preferably Spanish and you never know where it might lead. I did, then ended up meeting and marrying a Latino!

learn a new craft - knitting, sewing, cross stitch, quilt making, making books

Or, go on an art course.

go on one of the Arvon Foundation's writing courses. You write very well - I went on one 5 years ago, had a wonderful time, and still have several friends from it.^

Focus ladies.....

Solost, can I camp out in your thread for a bit?

Think H and I are finally over, but he knows his way around mumsnet. I'm not doing a great job of covering my tracks, but hopefully he's not really thinking of MN at the moment.

Hope that's ok, don't want to hijack/take the micky too much, just want to keep posting but can't use my thread/my name/thought a new thread about now would be v obvious.

(robberbutton) xx

Sufficient (RB) what happened? I thought you were getting there. I hope you are ok, I am thinking of you. Keep strong, I know solost wont mind you camping out on her thread.

Hi romeny. He was still in contact with her. The whole 4 months we were trying to fix this. :(

And what kind of a fool is she exactly? Hanging around, waiting? I'll never understand what makes people do this.
I hope you feel better soon RB.

Thank you :)

I have no idea what he was doing. His lying reached seriously pathological levels.

I have no idea what she was doing either? I gave him hundreds of opporunities to leave. Either it's like he was cheating on both of us, or she didn't really want him but just got a kick out of being too hard to give up. Or, she's so desperate for him that she was willing to wait... who knows?

Who cares?

suff, I am so so sorry

it is over now, is it ?

I really don't know how you could see a way forward after this

his continuing ambivalence has been explained now, hasn't it ?

yes...who care what her motives are ?

your H's motives are the important thing here...and it doesn't look good

we need WWIFN

can someone page her?

oh sufficient, you poor love, you must feel bereft! What a tool, I mean REALLY!

SHE's got nothing to lose has she, waiting for scraps the mangey bitch....

Boot the sod out love, boot him as hard as you can. Don't you dare compromise your dignity for a turd such as him.

My dad did the same to my mum, the break was never a break.

suff, I hope you throw his sorry arse out

right now

pete, think you'll find with her superlative skills, you mentioning you need her ought to be enough to bring her. She has superpowers dontya know...

I know she has a klaxon, it should be sounding very loudly right now

< stages sit-in to wait for WWIFN >

So glad she has stopped wearing that thong on the outside of her tights though...

Hisso, have pm'ed you

oh sufficient - that is so sad for you but I guess that means you can give him the red card now. Pathological liars are not worth hanging on to, you know you can never trust a word they say ever again so the only thing you can do for your sanity is cut them loose.

I expect he hung on to the OW just in case he decided that it was too much like hard work to patch up your marriage - if you changed your mind, or if he couldn't hack the effort - then he had a ready-made haven to run to. Very tragically pathetic of him and yes, it doesn't say much for her either. I really do have troubles with women who do this - hang around waiting for a man to leave his wife, especially if he's already gone back to try and work things out with her! But they are so plausible, and tell such lies, that I suppose it's not entirely the OW's fault for being a sap apart from getting involved with a married man in the first place, and they sometimes don't know he's married until it's too late.

As LMHF says - get rid. Reclaim your life.

SUFFICIENT: No problem

So sorry to hear about you and H.

Please 'camp' here as long as you need to. x

Pete, yes, he's gone. Don't worry, WWIFN flew in within seconds, she is extraordinary

LMHF I feel nothing at the moment. His ambivalence killed it, really, over the last 4 months. I'm in much much less of a state than I was when I found out the first time

thumbwitch it's scary. It's scary how, with me on super alert these last few months, he managed to do it.

solost, thank you sweetie.

He's staying with his parents. Has spent all evening texting and trying to call. I haven't answered or replied. I guess this is where it gets messy :(

I'm going to have a bath and go to bed. See you all in a bit on my new iPad which H just bought me for my birthday!

Oh sufficient, it will get messy but you will get through this just as solost and the rest of us are, its so hard but in a way as you say he has killed any feelings you had with his lies, that is a really good thing, you wont be holding onto good thoughts you will remember the last four months how hard it has been, you are now free to flourish.

suff, I am actually a bit teary for you

WWIFN pm'ed me, so I know you were in safe hands

you know you tried (and boy, did you try )

you can walk away now, conscience clear

please take care of yourself x