HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

oops

All pf MN would BUY IT

THUMB: Soooorrrry - that why its probably better not to speak with him I suppose?!! But its soooooo hard. Will do better

DOHA: You read my mind! Was thinking of printing off my original threads and using some of my posts - I cant really remember back then tbh, I was in such a state, I just wrote down my thoughts, kind of therapy? Will definately check back - is there an easy way of bringing the original threads back or do I just scroll through until I find them?

Any why did he see the need to tell you about the invitation, I wonder, if it had "upset him too"?
Not upset enough to just quietly RSVP with a "no" and decide that it might be a bit hurtful to mention it to you?

Instead of that though, he showed it to the OW and promised her he would of course ask you about taking the DCs, warning her that she shouldn't build her hopes up, as you will undoubtedly become hysterical and unreasonable again.

So he mentions it to you, as promised, but when he gets the reaction he wants i.e. you feeling "sick" at being erased so easily, he offers to bring it round so that you can burn yet another nasty woman's invitation together. This went even better than he thought though, because he got the opportunity to convey again that he no longer saw the OW as long-term material - and the satisfaction that you still care.

A happy man drove back to the OW, who was told on his return that just as he predicted, you'd hit the roof about the party and had banned them from taking the kids. Sigh. Bigger sigh.

Manipulative wanker.

And why

Good woman!

Yes, JUST stick to the basics - I know this was technically dressed up as being about the DC to start with but it wandered into the realms of the personal too easily, didn't it. Focus ONLY on the children and what affects them.

God WWIFN, you are brilliant. I mean it, you can see right through the crap. Am in awe. x

WWIFN: I get your point. But to be fair it was me who asked. The background was, when I passed the Xmas invite to H to ring and explain why we wouldnt be attending he told me that he had told her of our situation and she had mentioned the 40th party then. So in fairness the conversation went like this, 'remember I told you about *'s 40th, well I got the invitation the other day' me: 'aah right inviting you, BB and the DC's I presume?, mine must be lost in the post!' H: (long pause) 'well, yes'.

So I did ask, and I got my answer. He could have lied I suppose?! And I shouldnt have asked - been more detatched.

Im not really bothered what he told BB or what she thought tbh, if they really need me to keep the 'drama' of their relationship going like that well, thats their problem really. Was a bit upset that someone who I considered a friend (if not a close one) could delete me out of their life so easily though

THUMB: Thanks for putting me back on track. No retaliatory blow this time!

Will do better!

So in fairness the conversation went like this, 'remember I told you about *'s 40th, well I got the invitation the other day' me: 'aah right inviting you, BB and the DC's I presume?, mine must be lost in the post!' H: (long pause) 'well, yes'.

So... he brought it up.

You didn't ask until he brought it up.
He wanted to tell you about the invite so that he could hear those satisfying words from you, which you gave... so he now feels like less of a dick, because you still care.

He didn't even have to mention it. But he did.

He had to know that wouldn't feel good to you. Come on.

Yes, you asked... but you wouldn't have asked if he had just thrown the invite away and thought nothing of it. No, no no. He couldn't resist the urge to bring it up oh so casually in conversation with you.

If he truly didn't care and didn't want to go and cared about your feelings even the tiniest bit, he would have tossed the invite in the bin without a second thought and not mentioned it.

If you are upset with anyone 'deleting' you - it should only be him. He is with someone else, and if you were happy to go along with it, he would have your kids out with him and her. It seems he has pulled back from this because you refused to go along with it - ie. you put up a fight and he, maybe because he doesn't want to upset you further and maybe also for an easy life, is not going to fight that particular battle at the moment.

It might be that him mentioning things like this tentatively is not to see if you still 'care' but to see if you are still going to react angrily - ie. he is testing the waters to know whether he can at any point ask again about introducing her to the children. Perhaps he wanted to take them to that party and wanted to double check how you would react.

He may have pulled back on how much he wants them to meet her , but that doesn't mean he is not happy and committed with her - it may just mean he has seen it's not a battle he can win with you right now.

But, you know, it seems you are really doing amazingly, it wasn't that long ago and it's very natural that you still get angry, I certainly would.

and one thing to remember about friends like this woman - she may well have spent time with your H and his new partner - and see them as a 'couple' - in a way which he may not present himself to you when he talks about her. I know that is not nice to think of, but friends of his are bound to see a different side to his relationship. And that is a side he hides from you because he thinks it will hurt you - but actually it just allows you to believe he is not as committed to her as he is in reality.

Yes, waterrat. Very true. His friends who do share with you will also play it down or not show you the reality of them as a "couple", but for a different reason, to protect your feelings or to avoid an awkward conversation.

Yes.

And just as he's telling you Solost that their big plans to buy a house have been put on hold, it is equally possible that right this minute, they are looking at houses and working out their options.

Options that are much more open because he hasn't been legally compelled to pay you a set amount of money.

If there were a method of making you an invisible observer to what your H says and does, when he's not with you, I sense it would take this for you to finally realise how manipulative he really is, Solost.

OK
Solost
If he's paying over and above the odds now and it is because of his "good nature", then this good nature will continue even when you have a legal divorce document.

You explain that it is only to protect you financially for the future so that you can sleep at night and he pays what is mandated PLUS what he has been... if he is indeed doing so now because he cares for the dc / dc and you.

If you do know what the legal requirement is, could you start setting the extra aside? Just standing-order it into a savings account? I used to do this when I go ta pay rise, so I would never get used to the bigger income. It's hard to get used to a smaller income, but easier if you have built up an emergency fund before it becomes a reality.

There is a way of making Solost an invisible observer to what her H says and does.

It's called "read what WWIFN wrote".

I'm still at the bit about him bringing the invitation round so you can burn it together.

In his eyes this despicable woman has had the audacity to invite him, his new partner and his children to a party! How could she have been so cruel and thoughtless!

Just think about it for a moment...

Isn't this a classic case of denial and shifting the blame?

I understand why you are upset with your friend. Sort of. Trouble is you do not know what your ex told her. Have you been in touch with her since the last invite?

There is actually nothing wrong with her inviting him, his new partner and his children (from her point of view). She is not the bad party in all this and blaming her for the invite is wrong.

You are making excuses for him still Solo. As others have said he brought it up. You need to ask yourself why? What reason was there to tell you this knowing it would hurt you. Where is he showing any care or even compassion towards you.

He left you the nice little hook to dangle on again.

He can go to the party with OW (if he wants) and say poor poor me Solo didn't want the children coming. Or he can not go to the party (if he wants) and say it is all Solo's fault she kicked off over the kiddies.

Please don't forget this man lied, manipulated and deceived you for months when he was supposed to be in a relationship with you. Nothing is going to stop him doing this now he is no longer with you.

Also who ever said he is testing your boundaries with regards to the children meeting OW is spot on.

He didn't ask 'can OW meet them now'.

He said he, OW & kiddies were invited to something to see how you felt about it. Then when you got upset (not surprising) came the not my fault, I didn't invite us & them.

Pure deceitful manipulation.

Being me I would be tempted to text (so you have proof) him and say you have thought about it and the children SHOULD go with him & OW to the party (dependent on them wanting to of course but don't tell him this).

See what he does then. If he says yes it will be bloody heartbreakingly hard for you but you will know exactly where you are with him wanting/not wanting OW to meet them. Which will say a lot about his real relationship with her. Not that a no from him actually would mean they are not really happy.

He didn't say anything about being unhappy with you but went off.

He is saying lots about not being sure about OW but he is still there. In her bed every night. If he was unhappy/not sure why would he stay there?

He was happy enough to dump you as soon as he could.

His actions are a lot more clear than what he is saying.

Yes it's very true here what xales is saying. When an expression is so common we can lose the sense of its impact somewhat. But reading through the "actions speak louder than words" message which xales is conveying it really should become a mantra for you.

By saying it to yourself every day and really trying to feel the truth of the words in your situation I think it may help you.

Maybe whenever you are speaking to him or mulling something over you should make sure this phrase is on a loop going round in your head.

You will start to see his lips moving saying platitudes he thinks keep the peace but start to grasp that the truth behind his words is he returns to BB day after day after relaying this dissatisfaction to you.

If he were honorable and truly mortified at his actions he would leave her and live by himself whilst attempting to win you. His actions though....? Someone still playing with everyone are this man's actions.

I understand how you feel about your friend (albeit slightly casual one I understand). Although again you have lost sight the friend didn't betray you it was the H and you are still very civil to him.

Why? Because you are too good for him. He knows that and doesn't want you having that power over him He keeps you spinning round in circles and unsure of your footing so you can't fly and be confident in your choices. You do need to see how cruel he is being to you and how he wants to clip your wings and keep you just as you are - a prisoner in the situation.

I'm sorry about your "friend" too solost. I found the reaction of H's affair, from his friends and family, really hard to take. It was all 'do you need a place to stay?' 'let me know if you need anything', while I didn't hear a word. It makes me sad because I look differently at some of them now. Of course they would only have the sanitised version of events- if people knew what these men had really done it might be a different story.

But, it sounds like this lady is a tiny part of your life, should be easy to forget about her and concentrate on your real friends (us lot! )

But, it sounds

robberbutton, that must have been really demoralising for you.

Just to clarify what I mean by "civil to him". I'm not suggesting you should be uncivil at all obviously.

What I'm meaning is that there still never comes across any anger, frustration directed anywhere other than BB.

Also re. the invitation and him suggesting you might wish to burn it! Well I must admit I'm (can't think of a description- spitting something or other anyway).

Burn an invitation? What about the marriage certificate - he so casually made worthless????

Who is to blame - the "friend" with the invite or the "H" with the BB safely stashed away out of hearing!

When you start to feel that anger in your belly you will be on the way to discovering who you really are inside. You still don't see you've been crushed for so long by bending any which way for your man.

I know again you don't see that - but it's clear from you not being able to see how badly you are being treated now that you are extremely good at putting yourself way down the list of who is entitled to anything.

Even if you were to get back with this man I don't think it would be wise for your mental health until you've found and identified who you really are without this man.

But it's the same with the OW's presents for the children a few weeks ago isn't it? Instead of being angry with your H for ringing up and suggesting that he be allowed to bring the presents, your reaction then Solost was to criticise the OW for wanting to give them, telling your H that he was being taken in by her "bullshit".

He even had you believing that he had always thought they were a bad idea and so you both colluded in putting the blame onto the OW. If he'd thought they were a bad idea, he would have told her that himself and would never have troubled you about it.

I can't help but notice just how many women this man blames for his own behaviour - his friend, the OW and of course, you Solost. Don't collude with him in that......