HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

The daffodil is a proud trumpet, with all sorts of phallic protuberances. Nothing to impugn your e-hem-inity.

Well safe, innit, solost?

Right Solo

Tis the First of March. Spring (and the daffs) are round the corner.

What are you going to do for you now?

x

Well safe, Plupedantic!! Still working through the 'teen speak' link Thumb sent - what an eye opener!! Will try some out on ya! soon!!

DONTDISS: I am feeling the 'bossy mum' vibe! - my answer is: 'I don't know' - pathetic eh? Any suggestions?

OK right - you have asked

Come on you lot, let's make a list for Solo to choose from.

I will start the ball rolling:

Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

OK, everyone cut and paste and compile a list. List is open for a week. Give Solo a week to choose and then she has two weeks to book/confirm whatever.

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.
I've always fancied wine-tasting...

(and get some financial arrangements signed and sealed in place! but you can have til the end of March for that one )

oops, failure to follow instructions there, try again:

Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.

Good girl thumbwitch - have a gold star

Aaah, thanks guys !

First two suggestions sound great! Would luuuurve a weekend by the sea - will deffo look into it - not sure what the DC's will make of Mummy going on holiday without them though

Will look into a course too - poledancing? burlesque? something completely off the wall maybe?

Keep the suggestions coming x

Dance workshop weekend

Murder mystery weekend

Cocktail making course

Am-dram

A choir

Business networking evening: try your local Business Link. They needn't know you aren't after entrepreneurial contacts, but the schmoozing....

Basic car/household maintenance course (useful skills, which will keep your H's helpfulness at bay!)

Wow thanks plupedantic! lol at your last suggestion - could really do with a maintenance course, my skills in that area are ehem... crap to say the least!

Am loving the dance workshop idea - give the DD's a bit of competition (not)!

ooo, miss, miss - plupedantic didn't follow the instructions right either... [telltale emoticon]

Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.

Dance workshop weekend

Murder mystery weekend

Cocktail making course

Am-dram

A choir

Business networking evening: try your local Business Link. They needn't know you aren't after entrepreneurial contacts, but the schmoozing....

Basic car/household maintenance course (useful skills, which will keep your H's helpfulness at bay!)

Bellydancing class - great fun and good for fitness too

That instruction is a nightmare with cross-posts!

Right, I am about to activate my LeechBlock to kick me off MN after 10pm at night.

Turkish belly dancing. Turkish is the fun kind. (C&P is getting too long so I'm breaking out of the mould.)

Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.

Dance workshop weekend

Murder mystery weekend

Cocktail making course

Am-dram

A choir

Business networking evening: try your local Business Link. They needn't know you aren't after entrepreneurial contacts, but the schmoozing....

Basic car/household maintenance course (useful skills, which will keep your H's helpfulness at bay!)

Bellydancing class - great fun and good for fitness too

Learn a new language. Sign up for a course, preferably Spanish and you never know where it might lead. I did, then ended up meeting and marrying a Latino!

Hello

Lovely ideas for you Solost and I hope you can make some of them happen

Sorry to do this but heres mine , go to the solicitor and start to find out how to protect yourself financially.

Weekends by the sea cost money and it would be nice to still do it in 2 years time wouldnt it. If you dont sort this out it may not be an option in the future.

Truly Solost I hate to be a downer but I speak from experience x

Ooops. Best one yet, gettingeasier. I think solost has been to a solicitor, but it's not clear what has happened since then.

Although morale-raising could be important for pushing the solicitor agenda. What do you think, solost?

Solost I hesitate before banging on to people on MN about what they should or shouldnt do but tbh you sound so lovely and our experiences these past months have similarities.

From memory you have been to see a solicitor and established that atm your H is actually paying above what he would be legally required to. That is he continues to fund you and the dc with all attendant bills etc but not that he pays you a set amount of money each month which you have agreed as a long term figure. Is that right ?

I had a similar set up and whilst it has obvious benefits it also has the effect of demotivating you to forge on with the long term . NOT because you think " Oh this is great I will just cruise along like this for as long as I can " but because it means you can put off the painful processes involved in financial agreements and maybe finding out there are insecurities on the horizon which are very frightening.

But Solost assuming you and your H are not getting back together this has to come. I will remind you that my xh , like yours, prides himself on being honourable and that he would never behave badly towards his dc. Our settlement has been fair on us both, we are both well provided for. In spite of this I am certain that if I had let things drift significantly longer the process of detachment he has necessarily been making would have meant a gradual decline in his sense of financial responsibility to us.

In short the day he left it was "I will live in a caravan if thats whats needed to keep you and the dc provided for" to eight short months later asking me why I felt my housing requirements should take precedence over his when he has the dc three nights out of fourteen in the context of me living expensively near the dc much loved school.

Solost like every other woman before me I couldnt believe what I was hearing and I could list several other examples all of which didnt seem to be possible from my hitherto "caring" H. Maybe yours will be the exception but why leave it to chance ?

I am glad now that I have had to sell our family home (too big for my housing requirements)as it naturally led to us sorting out our finances. That side of things I have found very very tough even under a mostly amicable scenario. However now I am very relieved and in a couple of months,fingers crossed, we will be in our new home and I know exactly where I am with everything.

Anyway Solost I promise not to lecture you on this again because I think you know all this very well

Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.

Dance workshop weekend

Murder mystery weekend

Cocktail making course

Am-dram

A choir

Business networking evening: try your local Business Link. They needn't know you aren't after entrepreneurial contacts, but the schmoozing....

Basic car/household maintenance course (useful skills, which will keep your H's helpfulness at bay!)

Bellydancing class - great fun and good for fitness too

Learn a new language. Sign up for a course, preferably Spanish and you never know where it might lead. I did, then ended up meeting and marrying a Latino!

learn a new craft - knitting, sewing, cross stitch, quilt making, making books (would love to do that one!).

Or, go on an art course.

I'm quite !

I haven't been on this thread for ages but lured back from lurking by this:

Plan a weekend by the sea on your own. Eat nice food, read nice books and take a really long walk or two. You have to book it mind!

Find a course to do in something you've always wanted to do but for some reason have never got around to.

Dance workshop weekend

Murder mystery weekend

Cocktail making course

Am-dram

A choir

Business networking evening: try your local Business Link. They needn't know you aren't after entrepreneurial contacts, but the schmoozing....

Basic car/household maintenance course (useful skills, which will keep your H's helpfulness at bay!)

Bellydancing class - great fun and good for fitness too

Learn a new language. Sign up for a course, preferably Spanish and you never know where it might lead. I did, then ended up meeting and marrying a Latino!

learn a new craft - knitting, sewing, cross stitch, quilt making, making books

Or, go on an art course.

go on one of the Arvon Foundation's writing courses. You write very well - I went on one 5 years ago, had a wonderful time, and still have several friends from it. here

Hey - I live down on the south coast, right opposite the isle of wight!! Come down here for the weekend

So, today was interesting for me. Got home from work and there was an invitation from my ex's sister to her wedding. Ummmm, let me think about this - she wants me to go to her wedding with him and the rest of their family who have all totally ignored me for over a year since my husband and I split due to his cheating .

(I'm deciding on the wording to my 'regrets' now!!)

No sooner had I opened the invite and spat most of my coffee out, the home phone goes - it's the Twunt himself . We traded pleasantries - him asking about my fab new job (he's after some money) and then got down to it: what was happening about our divorce? (prior to my new job, I'd worked for a 'friend' for three months and not received any pay; the Twunt doesn't pay hardly anything for his daughter each month so it's been a seriously horrible time financially. Unfortunately this has meant my solicitor hasn't been paid one of her bills yet and has refused to do any further work on our divorce until the account is settled .

Awwww, I thought he was being 'nice' since he knows I want the divorce to be finalised asap. No - he wants to move in with the latest girlfriend and knows he can't really do this until we're divorced otherwise I can claim half the numpty girlfriend's income for my daughter's maintenance.

I was SOOOOO tempted to just tell him to move in with her and be a kept man, but I don't see why I should make it so easy for him - after all, he treated my DD and I like pond scum after he was found cheating for the second time.

Sheeeesh, he's unbelievable. Like my friend just said, "Annie, he's a real gem, and he's buried in a pile of shit"

The strange thing is, I don't really feel anything other than a mild case of bemusement at the thought of him already moving in with another woman.

Is this normal?

LIFEMOVESON: Awww thanks - I may even take you up on your kind offer - do you think you could cope with me and 3 DC's?

Funny you should mention your invitation. I was talking to H on Monday (havent spoken since - he's on his little holiday with BB!) and he mentioned a mutual 'friend' (someone (woman) he worked with with whom we socialised with). Anyway, I digress!, we went to her wedding last year - she was the OW and married her 'catch' and she contacted us before Christmas with an invite to her Xmas soiree. Obviously I passed the invite to H and let him break the news to her about our 'situation'. Well apparently she sent an invite to BBs for her 40th, inviting H, BB & the DC's ffs!!! (mine must be lost in the post!!). I told H I felt sick that I could be erased so easily and that she expected him and BB to go along to her little party and play 'happy families'. He told me it had upset him too and offered to bring the invitation over so I could burn it?

I told him that he could do whatever he liked but there was no way that our DC's were going, he said he didn't want to go and nor would he have ever considered taking them along either, to which I replied 'well thats what you want isnt it? BB and the DC's to play happy families together?' he replied 'no, not anymore'.

Your H sounds like a complete plank! At least my H is still paying for everything over here - no questions asked. The reason you don't feel anything about him moving in with his new girlfriend is detachment? obviously you are far, far better than I am - something I am still working on!

Perfectly normal I think!

MISSCLAVEL: Thanks for your suggestions. Will definately look into the writing course - I do enjoy writing tbh and have considered writing a book! Maybe I'll do that too!!!

ROBBERBUTTON: Thanks - I have been thinking of taking up a kind of dressmaking course - DD's dance costumes cost a fortune (even 2nd hand on ebay!), so that is something I will be looking into.

How are you doing by the way? Am still keeping up with your thread!

GETTINGEASIER: I have seen the solicitor and all the paperwork is in place to go ahead with the divorce - all I have to do is sign and return. However, she did recommend not proceeding atm as H is paying above and beyond what he would be expected to, but I am ready to proceed. All his and BB's new house plans have been shelved - not sure why? Think H got cold feet reading between the lines.

Solo just a thought

You could write a book diary of your journey since the discovery of your ex DH's affair to where you are now. This would be a work in progress at present and no doubt be a best seller

Well all of MN would x

Solost - ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! YOu asked him a leading question - he answered it with a hooking answer - DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!

Continue to detach, and please restrain yourself from asking the leading questions!

Listen, there is the chance that he has fucked up and he knows it. There is even the chance that he is not happy with his current choice. BUT - he's still there. If he was really unhappy with it, he'd be round on bended knees begging forgiveness, but he isn't, is he. If he honestly thought there was no future with this woman, he'd be out of there and in a hotel/B&B - but he isn't, is he.
So he's still happy enough with his choice.

STOP wildly daydreaming that he's coming back to you - REMEMBER the vile things he did to you over Christmas - and STOP asking leading questions!

Harsh, but necessary. :)