HUSBAND LEFT AFTER AN AFFAIR III - AM MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM

[solost]

My husband left me in mid-August when I found out he was having an affair. My original thread (husband had an affair and I want him back) detailed the fact that I felt he had made a mistake and asked for advice on how to get him to see sense and come back to me and our 3 DCs. Four months on, he still hasn't returned and I am re-buildling my life without him. That thread is now full. This is the continuation. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Sorry. :( That sounded mean.
I am just on your behalf because he is being so awful to you in a way that makes you think he's really just a decent loving man. :(

Agree with the last few posts. He's made his choice, he continues to stick with his choice. He's manipulative and slimey. Of course he is going to be friendly and affectionate with you when he is in the company of others - how else could he play it? He wants continued acceptance and tolerance at these events, from your friends, for his own comfort.

Also, please put a lock on your bedroom door. He is obviously up and downstairs as normal, bathing children etc. You need somewhere in your home that he can't have access to, even if you let him access all other areas.

And when he announces his engagement to BB, it is really going to hurt.

Hello Solost

The last few posts are spot on , however happy he is or isnt the fact is he has left you and continues to live with BB.

As Waterrat says I dont think he is keeping his options open at all but its simply much more comfortable for him with a nice atmosphere and allows him to assuage his guilt at whats hes done because "look , shes fine the dcs are fine , no problem "

Regarding divorce I have mentioned the Deed xh and I drew up and the huge protection it has given me pending our actual divorce.

Solost if you dont want to be starting a thread in six months time saying "I cant believe he did this to us" then you need to take your head out of the sand and do something towards a legal agreement. How many other peoples experiences do you need to read before you take seriously that this will be your destiny if you arent careful.

Fell free to PM me if you would like to know more about what I did , my xh is very much like yours ie honour is his watchword and he has been better than most but we have to set that against the background of deceit in the first place and then a gradual erosion of guilt as history is gradually rewritten to allow them to live with leaving their families.

Sorry Solo, my reply was possibly a bit angry and unfair on your friend but I was completely outraged on your behalf.

As (all the) others have said, he is being a manipulator. His primary concern is himself and his beloved reputation, so in public he plays the role of loving father and partner so it puts onlookers off their 'oh what a shit' stride - as in 'but at least Hitler was kind to his dog' (not that I am equating you to a dog! :))

Every day he could leave her but doesn't. And so his actions say it all. He is stopping you from moving on. Take heed of the poster whose mum got stuck in that cycle. It's time for you to put your future first and take a baby step or two towards finding someone worthy of you.

It's not just in public, though. He plays the same part to solost, in private. He wants his reputation as the loving honourable man to be kept intact as much as possible. Even though he was deceitful and had an affair and left his family. And continues to make that choice

Solost. Radical action here. No further contact save through a solicitor/email. Formalise the child care, financials and get a child minder/relative to pick up the slack. No more adhoc DH coming to the rescue.

I totally understand why you are allowing all this DH/DC contact, for the DC, but in the short term this is harming you longer term. It will hamper your recovery, your happiness, which in turn will hamper your DC happiness.

You need to communicate to him once and for all that he has left your life, and that he is no longer welcome in it. His only relationship is with the DC and on regular, agreed, and scheduled occasions.

He has no more access to your home, under any circumstances.

To recover and put yourself back together you need to keep him and his mind games away from you, just until you are strong enough to take the Wifey glasses off once and for all.

I am not criticising you, the routine of a wife is a comfortable place to be, and you did it for so long, ans so well. He chose to leave the relationship, you can't be a wife when he has left the home. If it helps adopt the Meet the Fockers line, the Circle of Trust.

He is not inside that Circle anymore, so every breath he takes needs to be viewed with suspicion. Someone outside the Circle of Trust doesn't get to have free run of the home, your social life or that of your DC.

He is doing, saying, being whatever it takes to try and come out of this heinous betrayal with as much reputation intact as possible. He's going through a transformation, so as long as he preserves some degree of respectability, he doesn't care about what damage he inflicts on others. All's fair in love and OW.

Hi Solost,

Sorry think I caused the problem by saying BB wasn't marriage material.

I was meaning more that she is unlikely to know that he doesn't think he'll never get married again.

Ofcourse that may still be a a lie that he tells you, but if it is true I think it's really crappy that he hasn't told BB either.

It's easy to hate her ( I do!) but I can see that she is also probably getting royally done over by him as well. She will probably thinking they will get married, hence her insitence to get divorce quickly, nouthing off about kids and PIL being part of her life etc. It's rightly or wrongly a bit sad for her that he's just treading water with her if he genuinly doesn't see them having a long term future.

She's 37 and by wasting this time with her he is stopping her finding somebody she can settle with and realistically have a family with. He is being v v cruel.

Anyway enough sympathy for evil BB - I just think it highlights what a cruel self absorbed person he is. It's all about ME ME ME - and stuff everybody else.

Also just to second LMHF point. Would it not be easier to get an 'amount' paid into your account for you to manage. Pay house bills etc. If he wants to pay everything, let him, but as one amount to you. This can be formalised by a solicitor.

By being 'dependant' on his finance it will stop you moving on. He can throw this back in your face when for example you meet a new partner. Even when you start to casually date. Do you want him to know where your knock em dead dress came from for the evening???!!!!

Also and I htink this is my most important point...

Is really isn't living that different a life then when he was having the affair, except he isn't having sex with you ( and naughty Solost - he was even doing that for a while!) - and you know about BB. It's actually verging on an open marriage.

He still sees you, gets to enjoy your company, admire you, protect you, indulge you, help you. You probably do brighten his day, and he will look forward to seeing you. He still gets to see the kids alot and partake in family life....BUT

He's got his mistress on the side.

I really really really think you need to try and take a much harsher stance with him.

Why should he alter any part of his life at the moment? - He probably is happy as larry. All his needs are met. You owe him nothing - give nothing.

crappy iphone spelling - sorry.

nouthing off should be - mouthing off!!!

It's like déjà vu in here, it's the same every month or so. More mind fuckery, more hope from solo he will come back (you can tell).

Many people telling her how it is, that she should formalise things legally and not allow him this personal access, the same reluctance.

None of this is going to happen until solo herself feels ready. Which is going to be hard with his games. Until the hope of him coming to his senses has gone.

Solo you do need to remember despite the bs, he is still with her, not you. I do think in 6 months we'll have a thread such as "I can't believe he's done this". As one poster mentioned, I hope I'm wrong. It's so horrible to see from a distance, what he is doing.

Yes. This man is manipulative to the core and I don't know what more evidence you need to see it Solost. Your false beliefs about him, are stopping you protecting your own interests and those of the DCs especially.

Solo can you look forward 4 months. It will be June then, warm weather, light evenings, children playing out more, glass of wine in the garden, etc etc.

Emotionally, will you still be in the same place? Waiting for him to give you direction - about a divorce, about money, how life is in general? Will you still have all the same worries as now?

It really is up to you, you know. You can make the choice to move your life on to a better and more settled footing. To have more control in your life.

Just because you begin divorce proceedings, doesn't mean that you can't start another relationship with him in the future if you should wish to do so.

Legally drawn up finances will mean your money is your own. No answering to him, no worries about keeping him sweet to keep from rocking the financial boat.

You could be in a better place by the summer. Or you could still be treading water.

Just got caught up the friends comment that "you look like a couple" and "he still really loves you"

Are you sure it wasn't a warning along the lines of the ones we on this this thread are constantly trying to drum into you ?

Your RL friends are picking up on the fact that, like someone said upthread (very astute...) he is still actually in a marriage with you, except he openly has a mistress at whose house he rests his weary head and parks his precious cock

he still acts the family man, with you, with your friends, with his dc

he picks up the slack (you are letting yourself need him too much)

he walks around your house, using all the intimate accoutrements of family life (baths, towels, laundry, linen etc) that he was supposed to have given up for his big romance

this is all far, far too easy for him

to your detriment

the signals you are giving out...to us, in RL, but most inportantly to him is that you are in limbo

and that is exactly where he wants you to be

Hey solo,

I've not posted for a while mainly because you continue to get so much good advice and insightful thoughts from all the other ladies (and also because I got a little bit scared of Peter ) but I'm still a regular lurker.

What really stuck out about your friend's comment is the importance you seem to have pinned on it. It sounds like you really still want it to be true. And I am no-one to judge, I have no idea how long it will be before you really won't care, it just makes me so sad that you so obviously still do and he just as obviously really doesn't. He is maintaining his image and is as always worried about his own self preservation. As everyone has pointed out, even if he did still love and care for you he loves BB more, she is the one he is still choosing to be with

I cannot wait for the day when you are posting on here about how relieved you are to have finally seen the light about what a shit he really is and how you are so glad you are no long with him but I feel it will be a long time coming x

< gooses fantus >

< jumps a foot in the air and runs back to lurkers corner >

come back, fantus, I want to serenaaaaade you

stop playing hard to get, you mysterious girl

< presses hands over ears and tries to block out the sound of the gushing waterfall >

ooo, is that a euphemism, you sexy beast ?

< rubs six pack suggestively >

< gives in to the inevitable and swoons at Pete's feet >

it gets the ladeez every time..

< wipes fingers on curtains >

< staggers back to lurking feeling ever so slightly nauseaus >

I hope you're not scared off, solost :( I know all of this is so hard to hear... except for the flirting between Pete and fantus

solost won't be scared off, do not fret

If he wanted to leave her, he could do it in a heartbeat. His parents would be overjoyed. He will assume the kids and you would be overjoyed. His friends would all congratulate him on coming to his senses. Work would be easier, as it doesn't sound like they approve of this sort of thing. He'd have so, so much more money, if he had only one household to run.

Please, please, stop listening to what he is saying, because it will always be, to an extent, what he thinks you want to hear and what serves his interests. Instead, look at what he is doing.

He doesn't love any of you - not BB, not you, not the kids - in any adult, unselfish way. He's acting only in his own interests from start to finish - he's not put ANYONE first except himself at any stage of this.

He is with BB. And given the advantages he'd get from coming back, he is with her because he wants to be. Not because he feels he owes her (didn't stop him from leaving all of you when he owes so much more, nor would it stop him going back if he wanted to) and not because he has no choice. He very, very apparently believes that he does have that choice.

You deserve someone amazing. You so, so do not deserve to be this man's secondary consort, like he's some 19th century Chinese Emperor. The only reason you aren't still sleeping together is because you called a halt - he has two wives, effectively, and he's living with the one who makes him feel like he's a young professional, while the family wife picks up the domestic slack.

BB is indeed a bunny boiler. But she's also a childless woman pushing forty, who seemingly longs for a husband and a family, who is being made an awful lot of promises by a guy who doesn't seemingly plan to keep them. If she isn't trying to get pregnant, she may discover too late that a family with her is not his plan, and she won't be of an age where a family with anyone is an option. Now, no reason at all you should give a shit about that. But he is supposed to love her so much it was worth leaving his own children for - and this is how he treats her? This supposed love of his life? And he behaves to you in a way that is that disloyal to her, just as he has betrayed you with her? I think that speaks volumes.

I am truly so very sorry to say this. I am not saying it to hurt you, and I hate to think that it may. But he is playing you, and you could still be locked into this game in ten years' time if you aren't careful. My aunt was. She was in her 50s before she was emotionally free of her ex. These are months and years you will never get back - and you could be spending them on someone worth your time and thought and care: yourself, your kids, and one day a nice man. Because they are out there, and they would treat you as the lovely, strong, kind, interesting woman you are - not as someone to keep warm on a back burner. You are such an amazing, courageous, graceful and dignified person. It's so apparent from all your posts. He is insane to have made his choices - but he has, and just as importantly, he still is. And I so, so wish you would make choices by seeing what he is doing, and realising that is who he is. And what he is is someone who is not, and probably never was, good enough for you.