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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:38

Not at all ridiculous! Is there any chance your BF can get to you before they do or you have to go out?

You can unlock them when you need to leave.

I am still Angry for you that you are essentially a prisoner in your own home though. Your family are despicable for doing this to you :(

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:39

Techno - unlikely. He's 7 or 8 hours away still. Sad

He should be here tomorrow.

The kids are going to end up meeting him in totally unsuitable circumstances aren't they?

Bum.

OP posts:
beijingaling · 12/02/2011 08:41

Can I just say? Your not so db is a cunt.

Angry
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:42

Beijinaling - that gave me the first smile in about 24 hours

My not so DB is, for example, a twat.

Grin
OP posts:
thelittlestkiwi · 12/02/2011 08:43

You and your kids deserve better. Do you need to spend time with your family? You sound too lovely to put up with this crap.

BonzoDooDah · 12/02/2011 08:43

Awww what a bunch of emotional fuckwits. (Them not you). Poor you.

I'd take a step back from them to stop them upsetting you so much. Maybe if they don't see you so much they'll realise what they are missing.

As for the car ... pack up your children and go out for the day. Take a packed lunch and go somewhere ... doesn't have to be expensive - another town you've not been to ... see the shops, find a park ... print off a map from the internet and make an exploring game for your DC's and just be out for the day. Then there can be no confrontation, you'll be in your car so they can't have it and they can't persuade you to do something if you are in another place.

And your brother sounds like a drunk knob. Hopefully it was just the alcohol making him act bad, fueled by the toxic atmosphere?

deburca · 12/02/2011 08:44

to be honest frog what they have witnessed with your family and how they treat you is bad enough so I wouldn be worrying about seeing him in these circumstances, it might do them good to see someone care for their mother.

Fk the lot of them, your mother sounds like a bully - dont let her. Stand up to her - I did mine. She got me to keep quiet about sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I love my mother but that I will never forgive.

Thats what Im saying to you here, its ok to love her but not like her and you dont have to be around her.

BonzoDooDah · 12/02/2011 08:45

Oops cross posts.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:45

I don't think I'll be spending much time with them from now on.

I so do not need this extra shite and stress.

I'm a single parent with 2 DD's at home.

My XH is being, well himself, which is why he's an XH Grin

I'm at uni full time doing a degree and it's an hour and half drive away (nearly) each way 3 days a week

My BF lives and works all over the place so I hardly see him (although that will be hopefully changing soon)

And most importantly I Do Not Deserve This

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:46

Okay wise and wonderful MNetters.

On thursday when notsoD B arrived he drank

3 pints at lunchtime

15 cans by 9pm when I left to go home.

Your thoughts?

OP posts:
TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:47

I don't know - depends how you define unsuitable and when you were planning on introducing them to him.

If he comes as a knight in shining armour to rescue their trapped princess mother from the evil clutches of the Parents and the Ugly Brother (sorry, can't drink and can't type worse than that without wine on board!)... where was I? Rescuing the fair Lady Madas from the clutches of her Evil Family, sweeping you all up on a charger and galloping away for a day without stress - I'd say they were pretty OK circumstances.

I forget exactly how old your girls were, do they still do fairy tales? Really hoping yours has a happy ending.

(Seriously. Might not be the best of circumstances, but it can't do them harm to be introduced to someone who will treat you and them with common humanity, caring and kindness).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 08:47

I would also suggest that you read a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. It is not actually uncommon for the toxic parent to get other siblings to side against the scapegoat; its called divide and conquer.

In your situation I would cut them all off, you would not accept such treatment from a friend and your mother is no different here.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:48

We were actually going to do a family day out this week when he was here

OP posts:
helpingout · 12/02/2011 08:50

Well that's half the battle then. I wouldn't call it a small positive!

deburca · 12/02/2011 08:50

you are dead right - you dont deserve it - neither do your kids. look at it logically, the bad mother that you are accused of being:

  1. raises children in an atmosphere of love and respec
  1. has gotten herself out of her relationship with their father which wasnt working and could have damaged them/her
  1. has made an effort with their grandmother who is quite obviously mentally abusive.
  1. Attends college to better herself and thereby be able to look after them more effectively.

Believe me frog you are a better parent than your mum or brother - you intimidate them as you arent like them. you still remain a good person in the face of all they do.

It must kill them! im delighted!

Moosemummy · 12/02/2011 08:52

How are your DDs reacting to all of this? Are they sort of matter of fact like children can be or have they been upset by your toxic family as well?
I am glad you have some good Friends and a loving DP. Life is to short to spend time with people who make you feel bad

TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:52

18 units of alcohol in one sitting?
Does he normally drink this much? and does he do it more than once a week?

He's setting himself up for a lot of medical misery if he tanks it at that rate. Plus he wouldn't be sober enough to drive your car until 19h after he stopped drinking which is well into the day after tomorrow.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:53

Moose - they were very upset about the inequality of present, but they're ok now - DD2 told me this morning she didn't like it when DB1 and Granny were shouting at me.

Sad

I feel so guilty for putting them through that

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:54

Techno - yes he drinks like that fairly often.

Although to be fair I only ever see him when he's in "holiday" mode so I don't know what he's like on a regular basis.

OP posts:
TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:56

You didn't put them through anything.

Your family did it all by themselves.

The guilt rests squarely with your mother and brother.

I have to head to bed (10pm already!) but hope today goes OK for you and will check in tomorrow.

Lots of luck and you'll get through it. You sound ace :)

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 08:57

But the thing is, you're out of it now. you took them away - you stood up for yourself and your DDs by removing them from the situation and now the important thing is to stay away from that situation.

Your brother may or may not have alcohol issues but that IN NO WAY excuses his behaviour. So I wouldn't worry about it - not your problem, is it?

And for the love of God do NOT go on the "family day out" - it sounds like utter bloody hell.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:58

You lot are ace Grin

I am off for a bath and a bit of TLC for me.

But I will be back.

Thank you all I really really appreciate the support.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 12/02/2011 09:04
Shock

Really. I am so sorry for you. Families have their issues but this is way outside the spectrum of normal family experience.

You've got the job of being family whipping boy.

If I were you, I'd quit. And possibly move house. If your boyfriend's all over the shop workwise would it matter if you moved 50 miles up the road?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:05

Unfortunately I have to stay near the kids school so I'm kind of stuck here.

But BF isn't moving right next door - it'll be about an hour and a bit away from here and the (tentative) plan is that I'll be there as much as possible - if I've no kids, on my weekends off and during holidays.

OP posts:
vampiresdontsparkle · 12/02/2011 09:08

I don't really have any more to add but just wanted to say you sound like a fab, caring mum.:)

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