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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:00

Yes she has always been like this.

She actually told DD1 why can't you be more like DN1. She's my favourite.

I just don't know what to do.

I'm scared.

I'm in the house on my own and I am scared they are going to come over here to take the car and it will get nasty.

I just so do not need this crap.

OP posts:
TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:01

I really don't have much constructive advice but I am appalled at their treatment of you and your children.

However this resolves itself, I hope you and your daughters are better off at the end of it all. And I hope your man is around today to help you get through it.

[/relurk]

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 08:01

Umm, are your DDs at home with you or did they stay over at your mother's?

TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:03

Cross posted, I just read that you are in the house on your own.

If they come around to get the car, don't give it to them. Don't answer the door if you don't want to - you don't have to. It's your house.

If need be, pack your daughters up and take them out somewhere for the day (park? zoo? high street?) where you will be uncontactable and your car will be unreachable.

Sounds like you need a lot of space from them tbh.

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 08:05

Madas, they can't just take the car without your permission if it's your car! you have to give them the keys and you simply don't have to do that!

ARe they bringing your DDs back with them?

Say you need the car actually which is why you went to the bother of finding them one they could use - so they can use that one. And you will keep yours. And DO NOT GIVE THEM THE KEYS.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:06

No the DD's are here.

I was a bit shouty.

"Get in the car now"

They did.

Do you want to knwo what the awful thing I did that makes me a crap fucking shite useless mother was??

I said to DN2, because I struggle with a relationship with her because she's spoilt

"Oh those are lovely feet pajamas. DD2 would love a pair like that"

(you know the fleece pj's for toddlers with feet?)

And he started yelling at me and looming over me where I was sitting on the sofa saying that I was a fucking shite mother and a useless crap mum because I couldn't get a pair of feety pajamas. Anyone could get them. He could get them dead easy.

And I said well it would be great if you could. DD2 would love that if you get them I'll give you the money.

But he kept on going. You are such a crap mum that you couldn't even get those for her. You are so fucking useless.

And I said I think it's time I left.

And mum blocked my way out the door.

And I said get out of my way I'm going home.

Grabbed dog. Children. Walked around gathering up stuff.

All with her having a go in my ear. You are over reacting. Why do you always do this. you have such a persecution complex. you need to go back inside and sort this

if you leave here don't you ever come back.

OP posts:
purpleknittingmum · 12/02/2011 08:07

Could you write down how you are feeling in a letter to her?

My husband did this with his parents as his sister has alwasy been treated better for some reason.

It sort of worked, just don't think they realised until things were pointed out so bluntly to them

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 08:10

jeez, of course you have a persecution complex, something to do with being persecuted your entire life! Your family are fucking horrible, seriously - get rid of them!

She's given you the out - don't ever go back. Please. For all of your sakes. Your DDs don't need to see their mum being treated like that.

TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:11

I can't believe that nobody in that family realises how unfairly madas and her daughters are being treated.

I am suspicious of a "make you smaller to make me feel bigger/better" syndrome which is horrible.

Strange that if you comment that DD would like something of DNs it makes you a shite mother but I'm sure if DN wanted something your DD had it would be "We'll pick it up tomorrow".

I am so fuming for you!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:11

Right.

Going to tell you all something.

My name in real life was deliberately chosen.

Because they didn't expect me to live.

it means the bitter or the nasty one

and yes, they told me that

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:13

Thing is, DN is smaller (DD2 is nine, she's almost 4) so her pj's wouldn't fit.

I was actually just trying to say something nice.

Shouldn't have bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:15

Techno - DB GF realises I think

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 08:16

Does it also mean the dark one, or the one from the sea? If it's the name I think it is (or one similar) then it has different meanings - and even if your witch of a mother chose it for those you have listed, take the other meanings instead.

Wormshuffler · 12/02/2011 08:16

Maybe she will talk some sense into DB, and as for you DM i would distance myself, let her do the running now.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:17

DB2 GF I mean

yes thumb is does

And yes I know it has different meanings but they picked it for that one because mum had a terrible time when pregnant with me and because I was very prem they didn't want to waste the other names they'd chosen.

And yes they told me that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:18

I can't stop crying it's pathetic

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 08:19

sweetheart, I do not know how you have put up with her so long. Is your Dad any better - does he secretly do nice things for you or does he just toe the line and think the same as she does?

Gak - I rarely want to poison people but your mum is coming out quite high on my hitlist. Angry

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:21

He toes the line for the most part.

I can't do this anymore it isn't worth it.

I can't let them.

They just take and use and give nothing back.

I'm on my own with DC's they never babysit - once in nearly two years, and have picked up for school maybe 5 times.

When DB isn't there it isn't so bad but I can't do this when he's here

I just can't

OP posts:
TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:21

I can't believe your mother and brother don't also realise that they are treating you like the family kicking bag. And including your daughters too which is [lost for words emoticon]. Your girls shouldn't have to experience it themselves, they shouldn't have to see you go through it either.

It does sound extremely like those terrible cases of bullying where even the teachers condone it after a while because "X is always the one they pick on, it must be his/her fault". So you start thinking maybe it is.

It isn't you.

Can you get your brother and his GF - the nice ones - over on their own to talk this through before you even think of facing the rest of them again? If you want to that is, would completely understand if you cut them out for good after this.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:26

Techno - can't get DB2 and GF over - they have no transport of their own (were going to share the car which wasn't suitable for DB1)

Oh and for the record. DB1 hasn't got insurance in his own name. But was going to drive the car anyway. He did not like it when I said no you can't.

OP posts:
helpingout · 12/02/2011 08:30

My grandmother was like this and played her children off against each other. My dad kept well out of it. I remember as a child that I knew my nan and grandad favoured two of my cousins more. They didn't stop talking about them for one thing!

It never bothered me cause I had so much love from the rest of my family and my other set of grandparents.

I hope your children feel like I did. They will notice the difference but I hope they grow to see it as a pathetic way for adults (especially grandparents) to act.

If you can put up with it like my dad did and know your children aren't affected by it, then great!

BUT if you know its affecting your kids then you be in control of times etc when you see them.

But from all your postings it seems like YOU are the one, because of the past, that is affected the most. You do what is right for you. If that means having it out with your mum then do it if you can.

I hope you have some good friends and a partner who you can talk this through with in real-life [hugs, and lots of them]

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:30

My BF has hit the roof.

He is doing his damndest to get here asap

and I have great supportive friends.

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 12/02/2011 08:33

So sorry OP. Your mother is a cow and your brother completely shite

I really think you need to go out, now. Pack up your DC and take them somewhere, anywhere. Just get out of the house, take YOUR car and be unavailable.

Sod your mothers birthday.

Stop letting your DC be made to feel 2nd best. You know how YOU feel, it doesn't take much imagination to realise they probably feel the same.

You need to do something nice for yourself and your DC. Please try, even if all you do is drive somewhere 'green' and take your dog for a long walk - you could take a picnic, make a day of it?

Don't let these bastards take you for a ride

TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 08:33

You know, I'd have been tempted to let him drive off in it. And then call the police.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 08:34

Am I being ridiculous to have locked the front and back doors even though I'm in the house in case they arrive?

I have to take DD2 to an activity this afternoon and I'm staying out while she's at it with DD1.

This morning I doubt they'll be here they all had far too much to drink.

OP posts:
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