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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 12/02/2011 09:12

Can you go no contact? I think that advice is generally doled out a bit too easily but in your case I really think it's the only way forward. Your children deserve not to be witnessing this. They're learning from watching it, and they shouldn't be.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:14

I think I have decided to resign from my position of scapegoat and family whipping boy with immediate effect.

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Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:15

Do you know what I just realised?

I never even raised the issue of the present inequality - it just all went tits up regardless.

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thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 09:17

Good for you, Madas - I think that is an excellent choice. Have a Brew in celebration, and make sure you hang onto your car-keys! Locking the doors was a jolly good plan - take the phone off the hook, go out when you have the chance (early if necesary) and leave a note on the door that says "I need MY car - sort yourselves out."

NO APOLOGY! they absolutely do not need or deserve one.

Moosemummy · 12/02/2011 09:17

Can you console yourself that although there is inequality in presents, your DDs have a better mum than you had AND they will probably grow up to be kinder happier people than the spoilt DN.
I will be having a little gentle worry about you all day and hope it is happier for you than yesterday.
And at the very least, the sun is shining! :)

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 09:18

sorry, x-posted - I think that discussion might be rather redundant now, what do you think? another wryGrin

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:19

Thumb - i think you might be right Grin

OP posts:
Deafworm · 12/02/2011 09:21

You didn't put them through anything, your family are treating you terribly and id be very tempted to take them at their word and not go back. I did once with my mother, got back in touch 2 years later when i was planning my wedding and she is a very different mother now. she will never win awards but essentially she knows to hold her tongue!

as for you BF if you were planning for them to meet soon this is exactly the circumstances for them to meet, to see their mum with a partner who cares enough to drop everything and go to help her out when she is in distress? thats the sort of parnter i want my girls to have and ive said for years the day i realised DH was the right one for me was when i was at a funeral and he texted from college asking how i was and i said not good so he left college and came to me. it was my friends mums funeral and her DH commented that id found a good one and i agreed. if the circumstances you introduce them involve him being supportive, caring and willing to put you above everything else going on in his life then id say they are just about perfect.

hope you can get past this in a way YOU are happy with

Longtalljosie · 12/02/2011 09:24

Oh, and let them rant. When I was being bullied at school and decided it was going to stop, that I was going to stop caring what she said, it was like a wave. It escalated right up - with her upping and upping the ante - and then it stopped. So brace yourself for a heap of shit from your brother and mother for a few weeks - but look beyond that to the stage where they realise you have in fact quit.

Have a Brew (loving that new emoticon!) and purchase a frame for your P45!

Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 09:35

You probably know what I am going to say. Grin

I know it's hard, I've had a similar situation with my dad who has never even seen my son. Granted dad lives in the US but even when we were in the US visiting he made no effort to meet up with us.

Anyway, sometimes all you can do is walk away.

Go have a lovely day and try not to fret too much about tomorrow! They are going to love each other!!!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:40

I feel obliged to point out that tee knows me in rl

So she knows some specifics that I have not put on here

I think this means I'm going out with bf tomorrow and not going to mums birthday then?

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Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 09:42

Sorry, I thought you said something about them meeting tomorrow? Ooops! Blush

Anyway, I would skip your mum's birthday. She said to not come back. Take her at her word.

KangarooCaught · 12/02/2011 09:45

It's a shame you live anywhere near them. Is this relationship with new man going anywhere? A move away on the cards? Children can move schools btw. Think once they know about the bf they would up the ante and try and scare him off since they'd be a whipping boy void in their lives if you moved away.

They sound incredibly damaging and toxic and I am concerned they are conditioning your dds to be treated appallingly as well. And so the cycle continues.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:47

Oh tee I wasn't planning for him To meet them tomorrow but I think he will now

It's just not simple

But sure it wouldn't do to be boring lol

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Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 09:50

I know it's not simple, frogs. Things rarely are!

Or how about taking the girls out for a nice treat tomorrow, rather than to your "D"M's birthday?

Xales · 12/02/2011 09:59

Don't bother having it out with them.

It won't work.

It will just be turned on you and you will end up feeling shittier.

Just explain to your children that some people are unfair and that is how they are.

Tell them that you love them all very much and are always there for them and give them a big hug.

Just say no to demands from them can the really make you feel more crappy than they have done if you do so?

If it wasn't for an accident of birth would you have anything to do with these people or let them into your children's lives? Just because you are related is no reason to continue knowing them (I don't want to type a relationship because the one you have with them isn't worthy of the word).

Just concentrate on your children and enjoy your life and have a hug from me

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 09:59

The relationship might have legs - I'm a bit eek about it because he lives away and it's been all a bit part time up til now.

It will be different if he's down the road.

Poor guy is going to get chucked right in at the deep end lol.

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Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 10:03

Xales - if they weren't related to me I would have nothing in common with them.

'D'B is a loud mouth obnoxious self opinionated boor who thinks he is better than everyone else and who can never be wrong.

He shouts anyone who disagrees with him down.

He is what my mother made him.

OP posts:
HeroShrew · 12/02/2011 10:10

Oh love - I've just caught up with the developments. Firstly, well done for getting DDs away from the situation. I hope you feel strong enough to distance yourself and them from this toxicity from now on.

Writing your feelings down in a letter to your mother might be quite cathartic. however, she's got away with this behaviour without challenge all her life and she's probably so insulated against criticism that it might not even make a dent.

DP wrote a long and carefully considered letter to mega-toxic MIL recently (she put him down his whole life, told him repeatedly that he was never "wanted" etc..) She came back disputing one trivial fact within it. Didn't acknowledge any other aspect.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 10:14

Thank you all so much for the support - honestly I know you're a bunch of strangers off the interweb but it means a lot.

I don't think there's anything to gain by having any sort of letter or showdown to try to sort it out.

I don't think it would make any difference.

I honestly think it would end up like Hero's DH - a total waste of time and effort.

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Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 10:15

Sorry hero's DP

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thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 10:18

I think you are absolutely right, MadAs - and it would only frustrate you more and prolong the pain.

Look at it like they are a gangrenous toe - the only way to feel better, frightening though it is, is to chop it off. Chop it off, one clean blow, stops the poison, saves your life and ultimately you feel a lot better and can get on with things. And let's face it - we can live without a toe. Grin

Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 10:31

It made no difference with me, Frogs, when I wrote my dad a letter. Several emails, in fact, went back and forth, until I just gave up.

We are sort of rebuilding our relationship but it will never be the same.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2011 10:36

With regards to the comments made by Heroshrew toxic people never apologise nor ever accept any responsibility for their actions. Not really surprised to read therefore that the contents of the letter were disputed.

These problems as well too easily become generational (as has happened here). It would not surprise me at all to read that with regards to your own mother Madas her family acted abusively towards her in childhood and made her this way. Toxic parents as well more often than not become toxic grandparents; you need keep your DC away from these people.

You are not to blame for these peoples ills but they use you as a scapegoat. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Do read the book I mentioned earlier.

Would also suggest that you post on the "Stately Homes" thread that resides on these pages. You would also find some good counsel there too.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 10:37

I think this is like Pandora's box.

Now it's out it can't go back in.

And if I start into some sort of confrontation, for a start its them against me, and it's also all the years of me being treated badly and their ingrained behaviours which I don't think I have any chance of changing.

And it would just upset me even more than I am at the minute.

Have decided (shhhhh) to take the kids to McD's before I have to take DD2 out this pm.

And how telling is it that it's after half 10 and none of them have appeared/been on the phone???

they don't give a shit, I guarantee none of them are sitting upset so fuck em

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