Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

[imustbemadasaboxoffrogs]

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

I am really so hurt by the whole way she is treating me and I just don't know how much longer I can continue to have a relationship with her and Dad because of it and that makes me sad.

I would be hurt too by the lunch invite. What did she say when it was pointed out?

It seems insane especially as you're facilitating everything by picking up your brothers, arranging the car etc.

I may sound like the voice of reason but with the lunch invite I'd probably have blurted out 'just what IS your problem?!'

I'm imagining also that I would be more wounded if it was my mum and not my MIL that was behaving like this so I do feel for you.

She just said "oh do you want to come"

And then hardly spoke to me the whole lunch - but then she doesn't see the boys as much as me.

I actually could be over there now. I'm hiding. I finished uni early and they have my kids for the afternoon (their choice, they wanted to have them) and I thought I wouldn't be there til around 3.30.

I am hiding in my own house. I can't face it.

I'm actually in tears which is just pathetic I am very very tired and just wrung out by it all.

My boyfriend has hit the roof.

And I nearly nearly nearly blurted the whole boyfriend thing out last night when brother was spouting shite.

Which would have been incredibly stupid

I must have missed a post somewhere...what about the boyfriend?

Oh i have a boyfriend - it's getting serious and he's buying a place nearer to me

Brother was spouting shite last night and I nearly spat it out.

(wrong thread lol)

Well that went well

Are you ok op?

To cut a long story short.

I've been up all night crying - pathetic huh?

So, arrive over there and DB1 is very very drunk.

Very loud, shouty obnoxious drunk

There's a whole series of small things each of which on their own isn't a big deal but when taken together really annoy and upset me.

For example, there were 3 different meals made for his child and yet when I said I'll just go to the shop and get Bisto because you've made red wine gravy and my kids won't eat that - no way would he be doing that that was ridiculous what was I doing going for Bisto etc etc

I said to mum at 7.30pm it's time I went home I want to get the kids into bed. You are not allowed to leave yet we still have to play

Sorry the typing in that last post was abysmal

I suppose what I'm asking is did I do the right thing and what do I do now, given that it's mum's birthday tomorrow?

How horrible. I am sorry. It's about so much more than an iPod Touch isn't it?

Right - from their point of view it is only about last night. From your point of view it is about years of similar behaviour.

I think I would leave it for now and try to calm down. Then I would write a letter saying how you feel.

With regard to how your mum spoils your niece - I think your brother has to tackle that one. My grandmother spoiled me above my sisters (we were the only 3 grandchildren) and one day my Dad flipped. He walked in and she had bought me loads of sweets and comics and my sisters had one comic and a packet of Smarties each. I had family size bags of stuff. He took it all and divided it all equally between the 3 of us and warned her that he had 3 daughters and if should couldn't treat us all the same, she wouldn't see us.

Ah - cross posts. Your Mum's birthday tomorrow. Hmm. I think I would stay away tbh. She told you to after all! I think if you still go you are sending the message that it is all ok.

It's stupid stuff.

For example (And yes I know I am being ridiculous). I hate Rice Pudding. Home made rice pudding. I have a total phobia about it is a better description. I cannot be in the same room as it I cannot stand it. Mum knows this - occasionally she'll say "do you want to come for tea it's rice pudding for dessert"

so, what did she make for pudding last night?

Rice pudding.

"But DB likes it. You will just have to go and sit in the living room"

So everyone else ate dessert in the dining room.

I sat in the living room with my ice cream. Which I went and got myself at the same time as I got the fucking Bisto.

DB was shouting and dictating that he wouldn't let the dog in the bedroom (my dog sleeps in DD1 room) no way would I do that. You're doing the wrong thing that's so wrong. he lets his daughter bite him. she kicks, she spits. she gets 3 or 4 different meals cooked. she then gets sweets when she doesn't eat her meal. And he's worrying about a wee dog on a bed in my house??

And when I came over yesterday DD2 was sitting on the sofa in the living room watching a disney fairies barbie something film. She had been ordered to sit there and watch it because DN wanted DD2 to watch it with her.

And when mine got lollies after tea (they didn't want rice pudding either) they were made go and eat them in the bedroom so that DN wouldn't see them with them.

Sorry. I'm ranting.

PS the do you want to come to dinner is a joke - about the rice pudding. She'll say it as a joke I mean.

have they still got your car? if so that is the first thing i would get back

No the car is here. They were all too drunk yesterday to come over and get it.

They were planning to come over this morning for it but I don't know now if they are coming or not.

I bust my gut to make it work but I was damned from the start.

And I got told yesterday to bring over two fleeces or hoodies for DN because she wasn't warm enough so just you bring two of DD2's for DN

And that's how it's said. Not could you please or would you mind. Just DN isn't warm enough. You bring.

Food is an issue with DN. A big issue.

I was made to eat what was put in front of me. The Rice Pudding phobia comes from being force fed it - literally.

But FFS DB is cooking chicken (and only plain chicken breast cooked in foil in the oven, not grilled, not chicken in anything just plain), then a wrap with jam, then a sausage, then spagetti hoops, then toast for DN last night.

And I shouldn't go to get Bisto.

DN has food intolerances.

So did my DD1. Much much worse than DN. But of course the specialists at the childrens hospital were wrong they didn't have that in her day.

When it was DD1 my mother refused to allow anything different to be cooked. DD1 had to eat what was put in front of her.

We had a blazing row when she smacked DD1 because she didn't eat her food. Only one meal is being made in this house and she'll eat what she's given.

But of course this is different now it's DN. Of course she'll cook x, y, z. no problem. Poor wee soul.

The BF being kept a secret is my choice. He works away so I don't get a lot of time with him.

and my mother told me at christmas that I would never meet anyone else that I was far too old and that it was madness for me and my friend to waste our time going out we had to accept we would be alone forever.

This is a can of worms I just didn't want to open.

I couldn't keep a lid on it yesterday, I shouldn't have reacted.

You can't reason with a drunk man

I think for your own sanity you need to distance yourself from them.

What a nightmare........I may get flamed for saying this but personally I would have got my DD or one of the other kids to ask DG how come DN gets treated differently. It's clear that your DM doesn't care what the adults think of all this, but would she care what the rest of the kids thought?
Was she like this with DN while your DB was still with DN's mother??

Wow. Toxic family or what.

Here's what I would do - go out with the car. Fuck 'em - if they don't have the basic manners to ask politely and treat you with some respect, then fuck the lot of 'em.

Which brother does the spoilt DN belong to? And is it the same brother who has the younger DD with a new wife? So how is the new wife coping with all of this?

Basically your mum is a class 1 bitch and you would be better off having nothing further to do with her because, despite her godawful treatment of you (and your DC) you are STILL trying to please her. She is an abuser. She has abused you all your life and you are going back for more. Your brothers have cottoned on to you being the butt for everything and think it is fine to carry on the tradition - so again, fuck 'em all.

And no! Don't take extra clothes over for your DN unless someone asks politely! Your mum has money to spare, she can bloody well buy her a new fleece.

I get so angry about these injustices, but seriously your mother takes the biscuit - stand up for yourself and your DC before they somehow gather that it's ok to treat you worse than a dog and start doing it as well!

And I know I'm being ranty and shouty but I am so and :( for you - you are being BULLIED by your own family. Horrific.