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Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
brass · 08/02/2011 14:42

We had something similar and we did raise it as an issue. They are more discreet about it now but haven't really changed iyswim.

I don't mind the material side of things it's more they way MIL talks to mine - all business like and abrupt. If she asks questions about their lives it's to make sure there is oneupmanship for SIL's kids.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 08/02/2011 14:49

I just don't get why you would want to do that.

I suspect my Mum is behind it - brother is her favourite - and Dad did mention at the weekend taking my girls out just him and them to treat them to new clothes but kids don't see it the way adults do.

And 'D'N is spoilt and very PFB gets whatever she wants and girns til she gets it. Won't share, take turns all of that. And when DD1 came in and said that DN had been emailing her and my parents had bought her an ipod touch, well I was angry

OP posts:
brass · 08/02/2011 15:04

no I don't understand either.

It's affected our relationship with SIL too so she's pretty much decimating the whole family.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 08/02/2011 15:24

Yeah Brass I get that.

My brothers are arriving on Thursday for a surprise for my mum and I'm picking them up at the airport. i'm already dreading it as I don't want to be saying anything to them it's not really their problem.

OP posts:
NadiaWadia · 08/02/2011 16:45

I would be very angry too. It's so insensitve. Do they not realise that your DD and DN will talk to each other? Blatant favouritism. How can people do that to kids?
My parents are scupulous that all their DGCs are treated equally - its just obviously the right thing to do.

I wouldn't let it go though I can see it's going to be a very difficult conversation!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 08/02/2011 16:56

I should add. Mine got ipod touches at Christmas from me santa so it's not that I want them to get ipod touches.

OP posts:
brass · 08/02/2011 18:03

Even if the kids haven't noticed anything MIL will actively say 'oh now I'm worried your's isn't as big as DN's' or 'oh it looks at though you don't have as much as DN' to shine a big floodlight on the issue.

Why WOULD you want to do that to a child? Anyone know?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 08/02/2011 20:45

I don't know - my Mum when the DN was over in the summer took her out shopping on the sneak one day and bought her a load of new clothes - she has NEVER done that with mine Hmm

And if my kids misbehave she is down on them like a ton of bricks and yet with DN it's different. She actually says to DD1 "Why can't you be more like DN" and tells DN "you know you're my favourite"

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 08/02/2011 20:49

I should add. Mine got ipod touches at Christmas from me santa so it's not that I want them to get ipod touches

ok, so your kids got the ipods first.. maybe thats why they got it for her, because she wants one, they didnt know what to get and that gave them the idea?

the dolls house sounds a very nice thoughtful thing that your Dad put time and effort into making btw...

I am not sure how the niece is crowing if she got something that your two have already got?

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 08/02/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BellaMagnificat · 08/02/2011 23:02

Were you neglected as a child in favour of your brother?

It seems there's a deeper issue at work here and that your parents are, or you think they are - venting some kind of disapproval for you on the kids, which is sad and nasty but not unusual.

Horrified kids these days are so materialistic, and I know that sounds awful.

BellaMagnificat · 08/02/2011 23:03

The dolls' house sounds a lovely present, too.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 08/02/2011 23:30

The dolls house my dad made out of left over wood and stuff - but it's lovely honest.

I just wish they wouldn't make a difference

Bella - nail on the head

OP posts:
brass · 09/02/2011 10:28

it's not about the ipod touches regardless of who got them first Hmm

it's about treating all the children equally. Which her mum is going to great lengths to not do.

OP I would just pull her up on it every time and ask her why she wants to create this pecking order amongst the cousins. What message is she trying to convey? I love you in this order and in this quantity....?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 09/02/2011 10:49

Brass that's it exactly

bubblewrapped, the thing is don't you see the difference between £10 in a card, which is what DD1 got and £185 of ipod touch?

Thing is mine were happy with what they got - but then DN was crowing that she'd got an ipod touch.

And for the record. This isn't a "should I pull my mum and dad up on this" - I've made the decision that I am doing it, it's a how can I do it without getting too emotional thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 09/02/2011 10:50

Oh and the niece said to DD1 on Msn chat "I got an ipod touch from Granny and Grandpa at yours." "What did you get for your birthday" "oh is that all?"

OP posts:
brass · 09/02/2011 11:07

I think you need to mention DN and ipodgate as that is how you've arrived at this point.

As for how you talk to her it's difficult without knowing her or how she'll react.

Will she get angry or be in denial or try to turn it back on you?

Ask her if she is frightened of losing contact with her GDD and that is why she lavishes all this stuff on her but if she continues won't she alienate/lose her other GDC?

brass · 09/02/2011 11:09

Isn't your brother cheesed off that your mum doesn't dote on his younger child either? Must be strange for his new partner too surely?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 09/02/2011 11:44

Brass - she flipped, the new wife, last year, there will be no more 2 week visits with DN1. She couldn't hack watching it it was that obvious.

And DB was in tears. Sad

I have a feeling she'll fly off the handle

OP posts:
brass · 09/02/2011 11:54

perhaps you do need to talk to your brother and his wife about it then? Couldn't the three of you approach her together?

It's affecting ALL of you.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 09/02/2011 11:55

yeah - both brothers arrive tomorrow and i have to get them at the airport to keep it a surprise for mum so was thinking of bringing it up in the car?

OP posts:
HeroShrew · 10/02/2011 11:33

How's it going, boxoffrogs? Are you going to talk to her today? Good idea of brass's to make it a joint effort so she can't resent you individually for bringing it up. Just make sure she doesn't feel ganged-up on. Even if she does get defensive and emotional, just try your hardest to keep calm and reasonable. Even if you don't get it resolved, at least you can look back on it having said your piece and kept your temper.

Sorry if I was a bit doomy with me previous post; I was in the same situation and raised the issue with MIL only to discover that she doesn't value DS as a grandson as much as her other GC because he's "illegitimate" Shock I now have her marked down as a mad old banger who's stuck in the 50's and have reduced contact accordingly. Angry

I'm sure your DM is much more reasonable. Good luck!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 10/02/2011 21:57

Well, I talked to sis-in-law today.

She says she exploded when she heard and has told brother to talk to DM.

Have to get him on his own and figure out the best way to approach it.

Your MIL sounds like mine Hero - my ex MIL was the same with my two boys which makes this even harder to stomach because when the boot was on the other foot, my mother went apeshit.

OP posts:
brass · 11/02/2011 11:58

I wonder what she will say.

Do stay calm and polite. Don't let her get the upper hand by getting angry and raising your voice.

It is emotional but try to take it one sentence at a time. Think about what she is saying and give yourself space to reply.

Perhaps DN's father should speak as it's his daughter being spoiled? Then you can join in and say you've noticed it happens with the other grandchildren too and ALL of you agree it's not on.

Like I said mine did calm down but it manifests itself in other ways. She interrogates them about their things/activities and five seconds later DN has something bigger / more expensive, signed up to do the same activity. We went to see something for DS1's birthday and the very first thing she asked him as 'would DN like it?'

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 11/02/2011 12:47

Hey Brass you are the voice of reason and I am NOT feeling reasonable.

I have postponed the prospect of TheConversation until I feel slightly less angry.

Brothers arrived yesterday, mother was all pleased "I'm taking my boys to lunch I'm going to take my two sons and DIL out to lunch"

It took DB2's GF to point out that I was standing there and was her daughter not invited too.

Also, had arranged for them to borrow a car - no cost to them - dad was fuelling it - no that car isn't suitable can we please have your car.

All in all just too emotional to tackle the convo in the way it needs done

Sad

I actually cried thinking about the lunch thing how wick is that?

OP posts: