Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I don't think whether a UK jury will convict someone of rape is a determining issue. what's the rape conviction rate in this country - 5%? And that's ones the CPS think have a chance of getting a conviction.

atswim - sadly i think 7 years for child rape is probably one of the harsher sentences in this country

Have read most of this thread and am SO pissed off with all the mumsnetters who live with the self-hating, women-hating belief that if you dont pull out the avenging angel card when a bloke comes on too strong (and doesn't stop)then you're clearly a slut who can't keep her knickers on and secretly wanted it all along, even though you obviously should have been thinking of this random man's partner (this really made me laugh bitterly. If my DH strongarmed women into sex, I really wouldn't be blaming them).

You live in a lovely bubble, and it's probably best you never have your eyes opened, frankly. I doubt you could cope with reality.

Sympathy OP, plrease try and put this behind you.

And what? A woman isn't ultimately responsible for her own behaviour in a situation such as this?
I'm neither self hating or woman hating, what I do hate is the "women as victims" mentality. It does women no justice at all.

agree with scarlett and charity girl.

The key here is that it appears that the man had intent to have sex but the woman didn't and therefore she is meant to act as gatekeeper because of this and get's blamed in the process.

If this intent is there then it's very hard to stop it. It's nothing to do with being feisty or a victim - I expect there will be an element of surprise. Again this is a strategy used by men like this.

You say that she should take responsibility for her actions but that is extremely difficult when you are, by the very nature of the situation on the backfoot and in a potentially vulnerable or dangerous position.

What about the responsibility of the man to hear what she said to back off, take things more slowly. A decent man who did not have full intent (maybe premeditated) to have sex would have backed off.

The experience and this thread has opened my eyes rather a lot. I have never been at all worrysome about my personal safety in relation to men, apart from with my ex-husband - but that was not a sexual issue.

I will certainly be a lot more careful in the future. I hope I never allow myself to be in a position like that again, that's for sure. It was all a bit shocking really. I do feel very disrespected, and I disrespected myself.

Agree with sincitylover - there is too much emphasis on women as the gatekeepers of male sexuality, the ones who are relied on to control it as men are incapable. EG if you do X (wear a skirt, kiss, invite someone in for coffee) then you are not taking responsibility for your behaviour and the man can't be held accountable either.

I don't know whether that is more woman-hating or man-hating to be honest. Feminists don't talk as if ALL men are potential rapists and therefore ALL women should behave in a certain way to prevent men from losing control.

Malificence - well, I do believe all women (and men, in a different way) are victims of the patriarchal system in which we live, and which does so much to belittle and constrain us all, so guilty as charged, I suppose.

But I don't mean it in the way you do.I'm not trying to infantilise or disempower women. SOME men are predatory, and if a woman fails to ward one off, I don't think she has done much to 'be responsible for'.

Thanks

I like to hope that most men are not like that.

I did have some degrading one night stands when I was drinking, but then I wasn't fully present. Today I was, and that's what makes the difference.

Still, my (few) sexual experiences since being sober have been very positive - and in one case totally fantastic - until today, so fingers crossed that was a one off and that I can put it behind me..

Hi h20, I haven't read all of the thread at all but just wanted to wish you well. To me it sounds like this man has made you into a sexual fantasy - been eyeing you up for a while, had fantasies of having sex with you without any courtship - typical porn scene scenario. I'd be pretty sure he's a porn watcher. Thus, he had this strongly in mind and pushed you into the situation fast while you were shocked and trying to work out what this was all about. He leaves with talk of hold ups - seeing this as the next scene in his porn inspired wish to play out fantasies.

I'm sure he'll be wanting a replay and this time you will be able to be strong and say no.

If you do feel threatened by him, it would be better that people knew about why so that people could keep an eye out for you. Trouble is, given how sexist society is, I'm afraid you will probably be blamed by some for this, cast in the role of husband stealer etc..

I imagine there's some loneliness and vulnerability in your life - maybe you can find out if there any self esteem or assertiveness groups being run in your area that you could join?

Yes Eurostar, I did feel like a bit part in his fantasy, and he told me that he had effectively been obsessing about me for a while.

And yes, in some respects I am quite vulnerable - I would have seen this coming if I wasn't I guess. If nothing else, this situation has underlined that I need to work on that.

I will see what he is like when I next interact with him - I will probably see him in the classroom tomorrow. Should hopefully be straightforward and I will just tell him no thanks and he will accept that.

Hi h20, I hope you are coping and feeling better.

Thanks for sharing, I believe this has turned out to be an important thread.

I agree with dittany about the next day/future contact. Imho, it is predictible that he will presume a great deal more than he already has.

Have a stock reply ready and just repeat it as a stonewalling tactic until you can move out of range or he goes away.

Something like
"No, that was a mistake. Use someone else."
And the 'use someone else' part being the phrase to repeat indefinitely as needed.

Also, ihmo, you do not need to explain anything to anyone, especially to him.

Hi h2O, you had an unpleasant experience and I think that your posts show you have the intelligence and strength of character to learn of it. The guy was a sleazy cheater, but more than obviously not a rapist under any measure. Even I have sometimes gone along with sex when I was not up to it by thinking "oh well, now that we are into it, we may as well finish it". Comparing this with rape is nothing sort of ridiculous. But hey, some posters spend their posting life doing exactly that.

What I am shocked about is the depth that dittany has managed to sink this time. I truly believe her behaviour, and what she is trying to do to the OP's head, is sick. Before reading this thread I just thought she was a bit obsessed with this, probably due to her personal experience. But this, I have to say, is disgusting...

h20

ok so your plan for this morning is keep your chin up high on the school run, muster all your self confidence and breeze through it.

He was a crap shag and you're not doing that again. Just keep that in your head, it's all the matters.

Get through this - no one at school ever needs to know.

Good luck this morning.

I don't think Dittany is trying to do anything to the OP's head, Aurynne.

I honestly don't. And neither am I. What we are trying to do is argue that the man had absolutely no right to do what he did.

OP seems to have taken the thread - with its views from either side - with equanimity and says she has learned from it, so I think we can say it hasn't screwed her up reading what either side of the argument said.

I tend towards finding the 'keep your knickers on' (shouted) posts far more dismissive, unhelpful, pointless and actually at times cruel.

not all of these posts have been aimed at the OP, in any case - may have been trying to deconstruct the apparent situation and similar ones in various posters' experience and establish how to prevent these things from happening in the future.

Many people have said how helpful they have found this.

So I reject your postulation that Dittany's posts or indeed her motives were 'disgusting'. I think that you have simply misinterpreted them.

As for people telling me how I OUGHT to have behaved in the midst of a sexual assault, which was already taking place - I feel that that was disgusting. As though I could have made it better somehow by my own response...it was already happening. What difference would it have made whether I reacted violently or not? There was nothing I could do, it had already happened and was very quick taking less than 60 seconds.

In fact I reported it to both the school and the police but was afraid to take it further as the school would not sack him despite previous incidents they were already aware of, and I'd have had to see him regularly.

You have no idea what you would do in a scenario like that. Truly no idea - and whatever you did it would not be your fault that it had happened in the first place.

H20, I hope you are feeling less upset this morning.

I hope you manage to avoid him completely. If he does turn up at your house, do you have a door viewer or window so you'll know it's him? If so speak to him through the door and tell him he is not welcome. You don't have to let him in or even open the door.

Hopefully he will be too afraid of you telling folk to try too hard this time.

I honestly don't know the correct demeanour with which you should approach any comments from him, I'm sorry - but you will probably get a feel for what to say if you keep in mind you want nothing more to do with him.

Please also tell anyone it is safe to tell, ie, close friends etc, so they know he is on the scene - and can watch out for you.

You have done nothing wrong. Good luck x

Oh and by the way - agreeing with IngridBergman a little I guess, perhaps slightly patronising to OP to suggest that people who are having a (fairly reasoned I though)debate are 'trying to mess with her head'?

thinking of you this morning h20.

Only on MN could a post about a crap and regrettable shag turn into someone deducing that the man is a "porn watcher". [gobsmacked emoticon]

Have you, Eurostar, never fantasised about anyone? Fantasising about having sex with people is normal. It does not make you a pervert and porn-king (or queen, for that matter). And if the object of your fantasies is sending out "I'm really quite interested" signals...

What? What if they are?

Does that make them implicitly party to the acting out of your already constructed fantasy?

For Goodness' sake.

and she didn't call him a 'porn king' (whatever that means) or a pervert.

She just said she thought he probably watches porn, and if that's not such a bad thing in your opinion, why shouldn't she say it?

Some people have far too much time on their hands.

I agree Hildegard. It's hilarious. Many people have had fumbles that were a bit crap, that they felt guilty over, it's part of life for many people, it's not rape sigh.