Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I've counted my posts and there are 61. Out of 551 that's not exactly a monopoly - there would still have been a 490 post thread without any of my contributions.

Is there a limit on how many posts we can produce, each? I hate knowing someone hates me for a reason I can't work out.

Okay don't explain - I can't alter my posting style if I don't know what I've done to offend.

But don't blame me if I carry on doing it.

Where have I said I hate you ingrid?

I disike the projection,it's not helpful nor is it beneficial to the op.

She knows what the encounter was,how she felt and what she will now do in the future.

It's that simple.

What projection? Can you point to any recent projection? I wasn't aware of any - I was talking about generalised situations, not just that of the OP.

my posts are theoretical and exploratory and I don't understand how that's annoying or wrong. I'm not telling her how to feel; I'm postulating how and why she MIGHT feel.

Obviously there's a difference and I hope you can see that.

Its all very well making our opinions known but we should really make a judgement based on known facts.

Making projections and assumptions is sour taste Ingrid

No it's not.

I'm talking about rape and violation in a general sense and trying to explore how it comes about.

How is that in 'sour taste'? Howso more than the other people discussing the same thing?

Why are you picking on me?

I thought it might be helpful to some of us, you know, to try and work out how to avoid these situations in the future.

"If kissing a man and taking your underwear off in order to facilitate sex does not mean it can't have been rape. quite frankly I am amazed that anyone ever has sex, the signals seem to be so mixed."

I remember seeing a documentary years ago (although not very clearly so forgive me if I get this a bit wrong but I think my point remains the same) where a young woman claimed she had been gang raped by a group of lads. The whole encounter was on video tape. Watching I could clearly see that she did not want to have sex with them, she was scared but did not want to show this so was trying to brazen it out. I think I remember her saying 'fucking come on then' on a sofa at one point, she was being loud and feisty but was not fighting or screaming 'please no'. But I could also see that the men involved may genuinely not have realised that she didn't consent. They may have thought it was all just a bit of playing tough. Like I said I don't remember it all that clearly but I do accept that in some situations a woman may feel she has no choice while the man genuinely doesn't realise it is not what she wants. Its a very complicated scenario and I wouldn't like to be the one who decides what it is. The woman may have been raped but does the man really deserve to be branded and punished for being a rapist IYSWIM?!

But yes there are also very real situations where a man has a woman in a situation they both know she feels she cannot get out of so she will give in and have sex with him, going through the motions of undressing and participating. That is still most definitely rape and I can't really understand how anyone could argue that it wasn't.

IngridBergmann - thank you for your comments on this thread. And thanks to all the other comments speaking out against the numerous rape apologists abve.

I wasn't attacking you, dittany.

I really don't think you have to say you've been raped to have actually been raped. It can take years, as someone said, before it's acknowledged in your own mind.

It sounds pretty clear that the OP didn't invite him in for sex. I think a fly on the wall would have been able to tell from her body language that she really wasn't up for it. I think the guy sounds like he put his blinkers on, so that he didn't have to think about whether he wanted to do it.

I do think that his intention when he stopped the car was to have sex with her right then.

I wonder how much of the opinion here is based on married women's ideas of the single woman being the predator or willing participant in sex with a married man. I'm single and that guy sounds an absolute sleazy bastard. I would imagine virtually every other single woman would see him like that. It can be very, very difficult when dealing with men like that. Everything you say is deliberately misinterpreted. The amount of effort they put into getting what they want is staggering. The lack of power you feel as you realise you've been twisted into a position you didn't want or intend to be in is also staggering.

It's shameful to realise that you couldn't control the situation. That's what I took the OP to mean. It's shameful to look back and wonder why you didn't just tell him to get out, and to wonder what signals you gave out.

I would think that he saw you as single and thus available. You don't have a man who'd knock his teeth in. If you complain to anyone, well hey, they could be from this thread and tell you that you weren't raped, that you did everything willingly.

I think ultimately that man knows in his heart that if he'd asked the OP whether she wanted sex, she would have said no. In my mind, that makes it rape.

And by the way, some excellent posts here by dittany, Pesh (sp?) and IngridBergman.

Pesha, not Pesh, sorry!

earwicga, you're very welcome and I hope that I have helped somehow.

It's helped me to process what happened in my own situations.

whether she wanted to do it

excellent posts by Pesha and Atswim.

Great posts by Atswim and Pesha

well put, atswimtowlengths

h20, i'm really sorry you've had such a shitty experience

i wonder if his wife knows, do you think he told her?! I doubt it, he seems like a sleezebag.

Cant believe how this thread turned out tbh.

Oh god, TimeToStart, he won't have told her about this or about the other times with numerous other women. Surely nobody believes this is the first time he's done this?

He'll deny, deny, deny, then blame.

He won't tell his GF, nope.

He may brag to his mates though.

Yes, "Took a bit of persuading, but I got there in the end..."

Oh what a man.

I have been watching this thread with interest but I thought that I should add my professional opinion.

Based on the statements provided by the OP, the CPS would not be prepared to take this matter any further as she clearly states that she was not forced into sleeping with him.

No jury will find this man guilty based on what the OP has said.

No, of course, Iwanttobeforeeveryyoung. This guy is not an idiot. He knows that though many will think he's a sleazebag, in court he would go free.

Mind you, we do live in a country where people get seven years for raping a child.

What a disgusting pig. I am so sorry that happened to you H20 please don't blame yourself for anything you were completely overwhelmed by him and the situation. Let me tell you he went to your house determined to get sex and was very geared up for that outcome whereas you just perceived a coffee and a flirty chat. You didn't stand a chance you were like a lamb to the slaughter here.

I am not gong to give my opinion on weather you were raped or not. But I honestly feel you may need time to get over this and having a similar experience myself, it may come back to bite you emotionally in time to come. Get yourself tested and be kind to yourself.

"I don't think (though not sure) that Dittany care whether the OP acepts she was raped or not (if she was) but rather that society and especially us as women accept that rape is defined by an absence of consent and that this situation could constitute rape." Ingrid.

Agree with this.