Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

dittany do most women invite blokes they've checked out, who they know are partnered, specifically into their house, kiss them, remove their own clothing and have sex with them?

Do most blokes with partners, chat up women at the school gates, remind them they have a partner, ask if they fancy a coffee, accept an invite in, and then ineptly shag them?

No.

But that's what happened. Don't try arguing from the specific to the general. It doesn't work.

h2o said she wan't raped. She wasn't.

Hi OP, I would just like to come on here and offer you my take.

I expect you never expected this to hit 500 posts.

I disagree with the majority and don't think this was a case of rape.

I have done a similar thing to you in the past.

I knowingly had sex with a married man with children. I consented but only through play acting in a ploy to get it over and done with as soon as possible. I was uncomfortable with the situation and the guy talked the talk and charmed me and told me his wife wouldn't mind

He was asking and asking me for over an hour. I was so vulnerable and scarred and scared from a past violent relationship that I just didn't know how to say no. I was petrified I would get a slap or something.

I am not proud of what I did, but I understand how you felt when you said you just went along with it to get it over and done with.

I had to regularly see this man and his wife after the event and I had the strength to walk on by with my head held high. I have improved on my issues (confidence and self esteem) and I realised I was taken advantage of and he knew I would give myself up easily for a quiet life. I was 17 and he was 40-odd.

I wasn't raped. I agreed... in the end. I did say no at first but in a jokey "don't be stupid you're married" way. But I still was partly responsible.

His wife will never forgive me but she will also never forgive him, I expect.

I hope from this you can learn to be forthright with your feelings and have some more self confidence and self esteem.

Please make sure when you see him tomorrow or whenever that you can ignore his advances and smarmy winks that I expect he will give you. Yes you did wrong but you know that now. Please get an STI check and move on :)

He never said he was coming back tomorrow.

He said see you tomorrow and h20 thought he sounded like he meant 'let's do it again'.

Seeing as they see each other on the school run it's highly like he meant see you tomorrow at school (like usual)

Is he a stalker now then?

Dittany is really something isnt she?

GOSH, the woman took her knickers off herself!

This is so not worth the arguement.

God, maybe the lines of consent can be blurred, I don't know.

I genuinely don't think it was rape because I don't believe he realised I wasn't into it. I had sex I didn't want, which is a matter for me to work out, and different from being raped if you see what I mean.

What will I do when I see him? Remain aloof and tell him I don't want to do it again if he talks to me. I hope he isn't some crazy. I will keep you posted. Not looking forward to it, that's for sure. I need more stress/hassle in my life like I need a hole in the head.

Asshole. Did you shag him to be polite? not being patronising or judgmental because in the past, I have done that myself before I really recognised what i was doing.

Also, it's not 'unkind' to say 'I'm married get off me!". but it is a litter 'harsher' or it is not harsh, it is harder to say "I don't want you, I don't want this". Without some REASON. It's like we don't want to be so rude as to say no to sex without a reason that is not unkind.

I have lots of male friends. Many of them come over for coffee. None of them think its to have sex with them.

thats because they are friends, people you know, not a fucking bloke who you had just been chatting up in the playground who you DONT know..

the OP has said she was contemplating the possibility of this man asking her out, and was quite happy about that.. he told her BEFORE they got to her house, that he was in a relationship. He asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee. She then asked him to come into her house.

how bloody difficult is that to comprehend.. he was not a friend.. he was a person who she didnt know, but did know had been eyeing her up.. he made it very fucking clear from the outset, before he asked her for a coffee that he was not available...

she still asked him into her house...

that would say to any normal bloke, that she did fancy him...

this bloke is a two-timing tosser who has probably done this before.. or maybe he just saw an opportunity and went for it.. who knows... but he most certainly did not rape her.

And for the poster (probably Dittany but I cant be arsed to scroll back) who commented on what I would do if a friend had been raped, I would get all the facts before running to the police...

sorry, 21 pages, I missed that!

And h2o stated she was busy.

Do you think he'll turn up at her door and pester her into another bout of shit sex ?

Dittany... I think you're enjoying yourself a bit too much now. In amongst your amusement, there is an OP who is feeling hurt and shamed.

It's not about whether or not the sex was 'good'. Good sex can only normally take place when both parties are aroused, and though the OP admitted she fancied him before, once he had begun his spiel about how much he wanted her body she clearly went right off the idea, and says she was not turned on and not interested.

So it was never going to be good sex.

Had he behaved in a respectful manner, not tried to basically wank himself into a frenzy with the verbal offensive before ignoring her wishes and launching into the act itself, yes, it might have ended up being great sex and the entire story would have been different.

However that isn't what happened. He was turned on and went for it regardless.

He is a knob and he has zero regard for the OP, her wishes, feelings or anything else apart from the fact he wants to have sex with her.

I would call his act a violation attempt and it is very sad that it was allowed to take place however I still hesitate enormously over the question of whether the oP had any real choice. And that's choice not literally as some of you would have it but based on a risk assessment, whether conscious or not, of what might happen if she did not have sex with him.

the man is a knob and the OP is no angel either

What will you do tomorrow - you will go to school with a pair of blinkers on, you just will not see him. If you do, just ignore, or businesslike hello if you can't avoid. Then just get on with your day, don't give this creep the satisfaction

Cringemaking as it is, don't let it become too significant, just move on, he is a twat and not worth the effort.

Fucking hell.

This poor woman is already feeling shite because she consensually had sex with someone that she didn't really like and feels bad about it, now she has some strangers trying to convince her she was raped when she has said she wasn't. WTF?! I think she herself would know!!

And I do kind of feel for the bloke, yesh does sound like a prize twat, one with some poor woman waiting for him at home, but it sounds like hes likedher for a while, took a chance, had a shag with a woman he thought was up for it as she participated in sex without saying 'oi i don't want to do this' when he started kissing her.

So to him he had a shag... i very much doubt he is sat at home thinking 'i raped a woman this morning'

I feel sorry for this jerks partner.

Poor woman.

ValiumSandwichtime has it in one concise post.

'Sex to be polite'. That can include definitions of rape as well as consenting though unpleasant/unwanted sex.

one factor that appears to stand out in the tales we are reading is that the woman has sex becaus she 'does not know what else to do in that situation'.

It might be as a result of our social conditioning that when faced with an awkward silence involving the rejection (even polite rejection) of sex, we have no other way to handle it than to either ask the man to leave or to go through with the sex and feel disgusted with ourselves either way, or concerned or awkward about the consequences.

We don't have a pattern to follow in this scenario.

Maybe we need to think of a way to handle it. I think some role play would be beneficial.

I've had sex to be polite a few times. I've also been violated - the difference with the latter was that I said no, first.

The OP said no.

Oh Jesus Christ what is wrong with this place. A thread of a thread recently where a woman was raped. Her DH was forceful and drunk, and carried on despite her saying no........

No one bar me and someone else called rape, everyone was justifying it as it happened in marriage, he got carried away, blah, blah, blah, never seen such a clear cut written accout of rape myself, but we'd got it all wrong. Never seen so many women justfying carrying on after a clear no on a drunk husband.

Here you have a case of a woman who knew the score lets be honest, got carried away and is regretful and ashamned, most of us have been there at some point. It's not rape.

'Got carried away' suggests she was enjoying herself though, and she wasn't.

and just because some forms of rape are obvious, it doesn't mean other sorts are not rape, or not violation. It just means they take a different form.

The OP doesn't feel she was raped.

What sort of person wants a woman to accept/feel she was raped when that same woman said she wasn't?

How does that help?

She said not interested but then...

He kissed her, she kissed back - she didn't say no to kissing
He touched her bum - she didn't say don't touch me
She removed/pulled down her clothes
They had crap sex - she didn't say no, she participated

Honest question - how would a man not take those things as signals to continue?

One thing I have noticed is that h2o hasnt mentioned any guilty feeling towards this mans partner.

I think I would be wracked with guilt over that.