Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

This was not rape dittany you sometimes grab at anything to hammer home the point but this is someone who was up for it otherwise she would never even have kissed him.

Rhadegunde
However, this thread is not about you. Please try to remember that

Right back at you.

Oh, and who were the rape apologists again? Just so they know.

I agree that there is SOME level of responsiblity on both sides however there is a far greater weight of responsiblity on the side of the attached man. He is responsible for his primary relationship, not another woman who he has chosen to seduce (or, from the sounds of it, coerce) into having sex.

H20 I think you have behaved impecibally on this thread, with all the madness!!!

I think i understand you to say, you fancied/like this man, you sort of tentatively asked him out and he then said he had a partner, he asked himself in for coffee and then in a moment of madness you had rubbish sex with him. You feel bad because you would have quite liked him to be different as you quite liked him. He has turned out to be a cunt and you are a bit angry with yourself for letting him take advantage of you? Thats how i understood your OP.

Nothing to do with being desperate or anything like that - Head up, move on. You are right, casual sex doesn't have to be like that, however i think when there are other partners involved it is inevitable.

Mental thread

Oh yes, dittany. We are in denial. There is rape everywhere and we refuse to see it

You see her encounter as rape dittany

H2o does not feel her encounter was rape,she has openly said this.

Its not about you dittany is it?

I've never seen so much projection on a thread.

Some people clearly need more therapy.

I know If I told a man I was not interested and he proceeded to kiss my I would tell him to fuck off. The op didn't. She kissed him back, and allowed him to touch her, she even joined in, touched him and generally went along with it. That tells most of us it was not rape.

The problem is, sometimes you are not interested, sometimes you want to be convinced, kissed, flattered, whatever. Poor men, what a bloody minefield.

(although not feeling sorry for this particular guy, he was a pushy, cheating chancer)

I had to fight a man off once, it was so my own fault. Got pissed, he was as pissed as me - invited him back to a friends. Got down and dirty in my friends front room, was mid flow and thought WTF am i thinking, i said - right, no, get off i don't want this. I mean, he had already given me oral bloody sex and im then im saying no - i do remember him being a bit forcefull and put out actually and i remember kicking him in the shoulder and telling him to fuck off. He got the message - he was NOT a rapist! Thank god there was no mumsnet then - i would have had the police on his doorstep after my "what was i thinking" post. How do i feel about it now - mortified that i was so rude

perfumedlife Poor men, what a bloody minefield.

Honestly, it's not that bad.

No, and stopping progress is pretty clear,

No, but pulling your clothes off might be a bit confusing, but hasn't really happened.

No, but then kissing you, and touching you, and removing clothes suggests change of mind to me.

In 35 years, I don't think I've misread a signal.

In case there remains any doubt, I believe women's bodies are their own, and they decide with whom they wish to share them.

OneMoreChap - fantastic posts.

Ingrid - hope you are okay.

Sometimes you dare not utter a word.

No, if the op was 'conditoned by another man to avoid any kind of physical confrontation' she would have thought long and hard about inviting a man she fancied but barely knew into her home, in my opinion. There is no safety net, her conditioning doesn't seem to be working fully, does it?

Even if someone 'submitted' to rape, there would be no requirement for them to volountarily touch and kiss the rapist. That is joining in.

What I have a problem with, is that she created in the first few sentences is a stark description on a complete sleaze, why would you invite that person in to your home?

I'm having trouble with the idea that she wasn't so desperate for Attention that she'd invite a complete lech over, and it went farther than she meant it to, I do feel sympathy for her

like a foolish mistake of way.

Quietly I am participating. I didn't expect the comments to go down this road to be honest, I probably more expected to get flamed for having sex with someone else's partner.

It has actually made me think about rape, the nature of consent, the strength of my own boundries, and whether I felt coerced or not.

However, I am not a victim and know myself well enough - being a recovering alcoholic - to know that I am not alien to partaking in risky, crazy behaviour, almost like Jekyl and Hyde.

For the sake of the debate, I will elaborate.

I did feel somewhat ashamed and I was not into it, but as it was said upthread, it is possible to feel like that after a one night stand that is crap. I did just go through with it despite having realised he was a tosser. I didn't feel physically intimidated though. I didn't get undressed, but I did pull down my clothing myself. I was not 'manhandled' in any way

When I first served the coffee and he said he had been trying to catch me outside the school for months etc and I had a great body blah blah I said I wasn't interested, that it was not on under the circumstances and nothing could happen, and that I had thought he might be single.

I did say I thought he was attractive. We were then talking about parking and he said, so you are naughty sometimes then, and I agreed that sometimes I was. He kept turning the conversation back to sex. It was very indirect communication but I guess he thought that was consent. My heart wasn't in it though. I almost play acted along.

I personally think he did take advantage of my poor boundaries in this instance, but I let him, and will chalk it up to experience (bad).

Lets hope his partner doesnt find out because that could cause a scene and embarass your children and his.

The fact she kissed him means nothing.

Think about it.You're being pressured to have sex, by someone who is in your home, has ignored your refusal already and thus the next step would involve confrontation or conflict. You can't quite believe he is doing this.

You are afraid to have a confrontation so you go along with it. But without responding physically, it's going to invite criticism, confrontation, maybe violence, because he will know you're 'not trying' and will possibly get angry about this.

So you pretend to like it and you do the expected thing - like in a ballroom dance - you kiss him back, you touch him a little bit. Just so it looks 'polite'.

I know, I have BEEN there. And it does NOT mean you are enjoying it, or you wanted it anyway, or you feel anything at all.

So PLEASE don't cite the fact she kissed him back as proof she was not coerced (or raped - which I don't know if she was or not - depending on definition).

You sign for the double glazing and you smile as you're doing it because you are under pressure not to make a fuss or be 'rude'. Chances are the man would have played 'hurt' if she had got assertive with him. Or got angry.

It's not an easy choice. Risk violence/argument or have crap but boring/non violent/fast sex?

But thanks Dittany, I am rather great and fab, and I would always do the right thing, at least, the right thing for me.

What is the 'wrong' thing to do in this situation?

bangs head against wall - dittany READ H20s posts, she cant make it anymore clear - she was not raped.