Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I think my head may of imploded.

Do fucking listen to the op

OP, just to satisfy Dittany, as she will now pick your post and bold the bits that only suit her agenda, can you just state, whether or not you felt you were raped.

Dittany, it would be very easy to highlight selected bits of the OP to show it in a totally different light.

and here she goes again with her projection..

dittany Thu 03-Feb-11 17:12:09
You forget perfumedlife that h20 has already been thoroughly conditioned by another man to avoid any kind of physical confrontation

wtf .. from one comment you have now declared that the op was "thoroughly conditioned".... sheesh woman, you twist it all to make it sound so much worse than it really is..

h20 steer well clear of him, because I think he might try to do this again

do what Dittany? ask her out for a coffee?

Seems logical to me. If you have been abused by a man, and conditioned, you would be foolish to allow a man you barely know but who fancies you, into your home when no one else would be about to offer help, should he push your boundries.

I had a terrifying encounter years ago where a man was outside my flat, dh (bf at time) was in the take away shop, man took my keys and tried to force me into my flat. I thought my time was up. I went into survival mode, I pretended I knew him from years ago, chatted friendy and ten to the dozen to buy time, and just as he was trying to open my door himself (loads of keys, hard to get the right one) dh came upstairs and he fled. I was buying time, I was thinking fast, and he had raped a woman earlier that night. He got caught. I never walked home alone after the pub, I was conditioned by the experience not to put myself in to a risky situation again. Sad that you have to, but there are nutters out there, who look normal.

I don't think the op did that atall. She said she wasn't raped. I don't think she was raped. Why can't you accept that Dittany?

H20 you say you were not raped and I will believe you. you still had sex you didnt want to have and felt your bounderies were crossed and are still dealing with having had sex you didnt want, and I think you should have some therapy to help you be more assertive when I was younger I felt unable to say no and this is obviously causing you problems best of luck.

She said she wasn't interested, then the kissing started and she joined in. To me, and many others, that would negate the not interested statement, unless she repeated it after the kissing/touching. She said she didn't.

Rhadegunde - She did not say "no" from the moment they started kissing.

If she had, I would agree with you that from the moment she said "no" consent would have been withdrawn.

no one is saying the man didn't behave despicably, he is a prize cunt, but not a rapist, well not in this incident thats for sure.

OP from your last post, I believe you have a clear understanding of your experience. You have taken from this that he took advantage of your indecision (for want of a better word) and took his opportunity.

You have learned a lesson in boundaries, and I am sure that will stand you in good stead.

As I recall, you originally came on here because you felt ashamed and were worried about how to deal with the fallout of what happnened.

Somewhere at the beginning of all this there were bits of advice about holding your head up, making it clear that this was a one off / a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again. This is what you need to think about now. This, and ensuring that you keep yourself safe and strong, and don't ever put yourself in a postiion again where you have sex when you don't really want to.

Rhadegunde
The moment a person says no, consent is withdrawn. It doesn't matter that they've spent two hours kissing and removing each other's clothes. You say no and they continue, its rape. To suggest otherwise is ludicrous.

We agree.
If, however, after you say no you then start removing your clothing and proceed to intimacy, I'd suggest you might have changed your mind.

Hildegard's quote:
"Sorry, but I think consent is given if you invite a man who fancies you into your house for coffee ... then have sex with him on the table." all I've removed is the bracketed phrase.

Oh, by the way, who are the rape apologists? I haven't seen any yet.

what is a rape apologist?

Dittany... If you read what the OP wrote, she says that she's been aware of him watching her for some time and she knew that he fancied her.

She also knew it when he stopped her on the way home. There's friendly and there's opportunistic and that's what this man was.

Coffee is not a 'routine', it's a drink. I go for coffee with colleagues very often and nothing happens.

You could really get yourself into serious trouble if you keep stating things as fact when they aren't and keep making accusations which are untrue. Stop it because you're going to get this thread pulled.

Strewth - I just popped out for a nice afternoon of light shopping and this thread has mushroomed from 2 to 19 pages! I haven't read back but I think I can guess what happened...

softglowsandmaybes
I don't know who or what a rape apologist is in this thread, certainly.

I await enlightenment from those who say I said there were rape apologists on this thread. that would be... Rhadegunde

Dittany learn to read properly

He was already using social contact to engineer the situation to the way he wanted it to go with the "coffee" routine. She thought he was a friendly man, when he wasn't in fact

He invited her to go for coffee. At no point did he say "can I come to your house". H20 invited to her house instead, rather than go to have a coffee in a coffee shop, which is where she should have gone to have avoided all of this.

He. Didnt. Rape. Her.

I think a "rape apologist" in this thread is anyone who doesnt agree that the OP was raped

So that must make me one then...

I misread Hildegarde's post earlier, and I can see it was a bit grey in its definition of precisely where the consent lay - in the asking him in for coffee or in the 'doing it' with him on the table.

I doubt Hildegarde knows herself as she appears (and I may be wrong0 to be making a judgment based on her idea of a sort of precis of what happened.

It was the sort of thing 'nice girls don't do' but the whys and wherefores of the act are not entered into.

I believe some of us have attempted to deconstruct this a bit to try and help OP understand why she allowed this violation (and it was a violation, in my opinion - he knew exactly what he was doing, in my opinion, but then I can't tell without reading his mind).

Boundaries were crossed, she feels violated and says as much - allowing someone to cross these boundaries is not something that any of us ought to do, but in this instance and in many others the person attempting to have sex makes it VERY difficult to resist their 'determination'.

Yes she allowed herself to be violated but only through indecision OR (importantly) survival instinct which is hard to recognise in oneself so can go unacknowledged.

In short, we don't know if she was raped, because that would depend partly on the intention of the man and his understanding of the situation and we don't know that.
My guess is he intended to violate.

No one knows what would have happened had she resisted further but that isn't the point. it's not an easy one to call - but we do know he ignored her wishes.

Absolutely in-bloody-sane! Been following this thread from the start. The OP didn't ask if she'd been raped and she herself has said she wasn't. WTF are Dittany et al doing trying to convince her she was? Why oh why would you do that? The OP sought out info about this man I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out. She knows she fucked up. Sometimes you feel crap after sex and want to shower, not because you were raped but because it was crap, you wish you hadn't bothered. Dittany, I'm sure you actively seek out threads like this just to spread your, frankly, bonkers "all men are rapists" message, hoping for a new, captive audience . Your black and white views are so patrionising - the OP is a grown up. She knows what happened, you don't!
great posts by OneMoreChap, but sadly this thread has been whipped up into a frenzy of so-called feminists shrieking rape. So insulting to women who have actually been raped or sexually assaulted.

Nice.

Maybe he did pull up to her house. No-one's denying that he's not a prize cock. And yes, all this could have been avoided. But instead, this happened: few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.
Do you seriously think the OP felt so cornered (not even outside her own home) that she was unable to say no? You're assuming a lot about the OP's character there.