Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Ok first thing I saw was his mad trousers but managed not to comment,pat on the back,he was quiet and subdued but didn't ask,he asked about kick boxing but not snidey.
WOW I think I might be on my new road,still physically attracted to him but THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Friend I spoke to this morning said he was sure I'd find someone when I was ready and I'm sure I will.

Hi all just dropping by. Busy busy. Glad to hear everyones good and bad news. Not good from here - H being arse and thinking end is nigh...

Sorry for all other ex dumplings not having best times but glad to hear Getting news! Catch up Sunday I hope xxx

Just thought I could never kiss that mouth now I know where its been.
And he says she hasnt spoken to him since Sunday ,d'ya think ,he just cant help himself eh ladies .
All about good daddy ,good mummy 4 the kids ,rather than mummy thinks daddy is an arse.
Feeling a bit more serene and concentrating on breaking the addiction ,only way to.go now.

Waves to mf sorry urs is being an arse.

Well certainly seems to be the day for xh's & confessions etc . Met mine earlier to hand over dc's. I asked how he'd got on at a job interview he was supposed to have had & he jumped in about how pending court cases could sabotage it & how judge & prosecutor seemingly said in court the other day that he was being hard done by . Went on to ask would I contact his solicitor to agree to drop cases . I just calmly said I couldn't that it was outside of my control but did he really think for one second that I wanted to go back into court testifying in open court about all that. He just said well you could refuse to testify & when I said I couldn't he just looked pissed off. I then said look you could have avoided all this day one if you put you had pleaded guilty & said that it was his responsibility to sort it out not mine. That he was the one that hit me & subjected me & dc's to violence & fear. I then said, & it was you that was the one that was unfaithful not me so I certainly didn't deserve to be treated like that! Well for the first time ever the man that was going to be taking the lie detector test ADMITTED he was unfaithful . He said he was off his head popping valium & was looking for sexual thrills . He said he would always regret it & was deeply sorry for hurt he had caused me. All of the above was discussed v calmly & I would love to say I FELT how sorry he was for all the pain he caused me but the truth is I do think he's sorry, regrets it deeply & is prob ashamed of what he did BUT I think he mostly feels sorry for himself. He is in a recovery programme with a long time now but I think he has a LONG way to go before he will ever truly understand all the hurt he caused me & dc's. AND at the end of all this he AGAIN brought up about me dropping charges & when I said I couldn't got huffy again. Started ranting about police etc. Said they beat him up . I just said calmly to him that when he fully takes responsibility for his own actions then he will realise that he treated them appallingly & that they were innocent people just trying to do their job!

F**k I know his back is probably to the wall & the fact he was so edgy about it indicates that he has probably been told by his solicitor that there's a very real risk he'll get sent to jail. My position is that if I don't go ahead & if I ever have any further incidents with xh (unfortunately could be possible) then I'm screwed as I won't ever again be able to turn to police for help. AAAAAAArrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

Patience, delighted things seem to be taking a positive turn for you

ET, I know what you mean about outcome but hope you & ds will come out of this ok anyway.

Mumfun, so sorry to hear you're back at this place with H ((Hugs))

Definately a day for a FFS ! t shirt starting x

Hi all. Mumfun - sorry about your ex. Yet another one eh?
Elsie - great advice - thank you!
Starting - yes I think he was definitely thinking of himself when he decided to "humbly" apologise because he was hoping that you would be so moved that you would say "Oh, you poor love. Off your head on valium? Of course I'll drop the charges" Fact that he was immediately huffy after he asked you again to drop charges shows that his little apology was just for show and that he was trying to manipulate you. IMO you need to stand firm - you and the kids are more important and if, as you say, dropping charges would mean that he would get away with it if he did it again, then you need to protect you and the kids in the future and go ahead. I agree that he has no concept of his actions having consequences, either for you or him and his family. Stand strong love. The wall that he is backed up against wasn't made by you. Seems that he made it himself, brick by brick. x

Well done Patience on gathering serenity and detachment. Just offload it all on here. It's deffo like coming off drugs - just worse x

My favourite AIBU thread today:
"AIBU to sell the house buy a boat and fuck off into the sunset?"
Brilliant!

Just thought fuck u ,u wee bastard off ur head on drink or not u threw ur marriage away for a shag of a barmaid.put ur kids emotional stability at risk ,aaaaargh !

also just dropping in, out of usual routine as half term , great about house Getting; well done Tea to be seeing grandparents; sorry, Starting, that you were feeling the lack of Norm yesterday; nice to wave to you all and back tomorrow properly.

See that's progress old patience would have texted that x

Good on ya girl. Use this place to put what you would have texted - we won't send you anything abusive back either lol so it's win-win!
Hi Offschool. DD ok?

Starting, what goes around comes around. Until your ex takes responsibility for his actions then let it all go. Why should you put his needs before yours and dc? And definitely don't do anything that might risk future support from police, although hopefully you'll not be in that position again.

Mumfun, sorry H is being an arse. Seems many are just built like that.

Patience, steel yourself for a few ups and downs and post anything on here for vetting before you text to ex.

We're home now. DS hasn't phoned to find out the verdict. Said he's not ready to hear yet. I totally understand. But everyone is phoning, texting etc to ask. Guess he'll hear on the grapevine soon enough as the assailant was a friend of a friend of a friend.

Thanks googs and Elsie just felt happy when he phoned the kids tonite encouraged Ds to talk did some counting on the phone and sums.X didn't know that's what Ds does at school .doesn't see homework at the weekend.its just taken the ill feeling away.what stops me texting is it may harm kids visits and maintenance.

OMG I might be moving on.def goin out with pals on sat.just a few hours but my friend described it as ,a drink ,a bite to eat and a good bitch

I'm moving on too but I could still hit what looks like exbf's new woman over the head with her bloody northumbrian pipes. Not taken her long to be friendly with all the people from his village on fb. And why am I angry with her really? She is to be pitied...thinking of what's to come for her. Mind you, she lives much closer than me, she's obviously wealthy, he's doing her garden for payment and her kids are much older - ideal for him to sponge off eh?
Sorry - just doing a bit of unloading myself :)

He's just a twat googs ,doesn't even make it to bastard level,no offence meant btw.

X has just text asking to see DC this weekend, i text back saying yes of course when do you want to pick them up, he replies saying he has no where to take them, obviously he's hoping that i've changed my mind about him seeing them here so have told him that it is for him to sort out not me and why couldnt he have taken them out when he scrapped the car as he would have had money then also he seems to always have cigs and petrol and puff so why not borrow some money and take them mcdonalds or soft play, he reckons he only got 20 quid for the car which he gave to his sister and she is buying his cigs and petrol and the only time he has puff is if someone is being generous and he has no money what so ever and no where to take them
I am trying to be strong but i can feel myself wavering and feeling guilty
The DC haven't asked about him at all and dont seem to be missing him but i know they would be over the moon to see him and i feel like i am keeping the DC from him.
Most threads i have read about contact say that the person with the full time care is to make the DC available to the other parent for contact but i'm not sure if i am, am i? i have said i'm happy for him to take them out anytime he wants but.........i dont know
i'm not sleep due to so much going on and i just dont know anymore, is this just me feeling responsible for him still?
all and any advice/opinions welcome please

Thanks Patience - I needed to hear that cos I know that's the truth and it makes me feel better x
Sov - don't believe what he's saying - he's feeding you the sam old shit to make you cave in. It's easier for him to just come round and see them at yours, that's the thing. But it's not acceptable for him to be in your house when he has access to the kids. Stay firm about this. He can have access when he has somewhere suitable to take them or when he can get off his arse and sort out somewhere to take them i.e. local park with sandwiches, any number of free places. He is playing on the fact that you are a good person and have sympathy with him. My exh used to do this to me. Then I got firmer and he realised he couldn't feed me anymore sob stories. So he stopped arsing about and realised I meant what I said.
Hope this isn't too harsh. Just think that you have every right to maintain your personal space away from him x

Why can't he get accomodation sov ?

Just think this is a biggie.he has to organise visits by himself.all about consequences of his behaviour .life doesn't stay the same .he needs accomodation.

Thanks Goo, i really appreciate it and no it's not harsh at all, i have stuck with no but he is now texting saying i win and that he wont see them as i have left him with no choice even though he could borrow money or ask his sisters if he can take them to theirs
I feel so guilty and have so much other crap going on right now i dont need this (had to cancel fraud meeting as had no sitter for DC so still have that hanging over me, plus other stuff)and i'm now sat crying agin, he makes me feel like crap and reduces me to tears and i just dont want that anymore

he cant get accomodation as he doesnt have a job and isnt on benefits as he was sacked from his last job for gross misconduct, so no money coming in, but he told me he could apply for benefits again in feb and would be able to find somewhere to rent, trouble is he is so goddamned lazy he wont get off his arse and do it as long as his sister is giving him everything he needs
i used to have to nag him constantly to get anything done, he's just a lay about who is happy for everyone else to do things for him
This is why i want to stay strong and not give in re visits here as otherwise he will never take any responsibility regarding seeing them

Sov v tough place to be in but ultimately I think when the x's have "issues" then seeing dc's in the home will never work. I was the opposite in that I wanted xh to see dc's in the home as youngest two were v young at the time & I didn't trust xh 100% not to lose one of them or something so figured it'd be safer in home. I used to go out when he came but prob as I see it is if they have "issues" as your x & mine clearly did then they end up contaminating your sacred home with all of that crap as they will inevitably being it with them.

Goo, breath & relax, it won't last anyway as you said he was a wan*er . Agree with what you said about my xh.

ET, hope your ds is ok with the verdict & you too ((Hugs)). Also agree with what you said about my xh.

Patience, a bite & bitch sounds like a good place to start . I actually did say in a nice way to xh today "and you threw it all away for what". He just said I know & I regret it deeply BUT as I said earlier his regrets were for himself i.e. the family he lost, the home he lost etc. I don't think my xh has reached a place to understand the pain & devestation he caused & it's likely he never will because he will probably always see himself as the biggest victim, like your xh. Anyway, I'm free of it all now tg . Actually I'm indebted to xh because as he was such a f*** nightmare I ended up doing years of counselling which has brought me to where I am today .

Another little nugget of good news, dd told me today that xh told her that my BIL (who lives v near me) is moving to a different part of the country . Considering I bumped into him two days ago again & that he blanked me yet again I am oh so happy to hear that news. People may recall that I used to be v close to him & initially he was first to tell me I should press charges against xh. Somewhere along the line that changed to me being an evil bi*ch & him verbally attacking me in supermarket & turning up in court to support xh . Will be a pleasure not to be bumping into him at supermarket & having him ignore me & dc's , great news!

Sov x post. Sorry to hear you're so upset ((Hugs)). Hang in there & things will get easier for you. You've done a fantastic job in such a short period of time, this too shall pass & you'll have better days.