Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Thats really hard Sov. In all honesty if you have to leave the house and are not keen you wont really get a break will you. I may be harsh but I would say No to him. He has offers of places to take the dc but doesnt want to ? Well thats his choice then. Why should he be in your home where he will indoubtedly allow the place to be trashed while you are out. Given his attitude and behaviour these past months I think its time you came down hard on him and he either sorts himself out or fucks off. Sorry but you shouldnt facilitate his selfish dip in dip out approach anymore

Patience and others I am reluctant to say to dd to come home early if she wants without talking to xh as that would undermine him and remember whatever else he has stuck rigidly to our access deal never late never cancelling etc. I think I will encourage her again to talk to him . Also they are spending a few days in a holiday cottage with him and co during half term so maybe that will help.

I agree looking ahead that this will change abd become more fluid but dd isnt quite 12 so there is a fair bit ahead of her of needing to stick to this arrangement. When I have spoken to xh thus far about it I have been absurdly diplomatic and soften the message with "I know how busy you are" or "I know you are doing your best" type stuff. If things are no better in a month or so after the holidays I will talk to him with some home truths and not sugar coat it which would be a shock in itself never mind if it was dc related.

Good I have a plan thanks for input ladies

Mumfun neighbour had a key but I gave it to the estate agent so will get it back

Happy thats right thats how the dc want to see their Dad and you would think vice versa too , I dont envy xh the fake set up they currently have.

Sorry Sov but your ex has annoyed me . Re reading your post it sounds like he will be expecting brownie points for giving you a free day ffs. Also if he has them at your no doubt you will be expected to provide a meal ? On top of all that what are the chances of him turning up anyway, it makes me cross

Rant over Sov but I feel for you x

Sov, I agree with the others - say No! Don't set this as a precedent for future visits or he will continue to take the pee ad infinitum. My ex did this and it put a huge strain on me.

Getting, I would be mightily pissed off if I had to watch 2 football matches on a cold Sunday morning. Can dd not stay behind, with ow minding her? At the very least she should be made to feel the centre of attention for the rest of the day for being so generous to her db and df.

Sov, IME with another family member,(complicated) less is more, and your DC might be happy seeing their dad for just an hour or 2 at the swings with a picknick rather than a whole day at his sisters or wherever. I wouldn't have him in the house. Similar with Getting, couldn't DD just go there for lunch or something instead of for so long ?

Well, I'm joining the band of dumplings who are having a bad today. XP is messing with my head. All week he's been hinting at something (still not sure what exactly) and since last night I have been getting texts that are either a)particularly concilatory ending with a x, b)accusatory and unfair or c) completely ambiguous. I know it's nothing compared to what some of you are going through but I have come so far; starting to feel stronger again and he seems to be trying to knock me down.
I say I want to be friends for ds' sake, he says he doesn't believe me. It just turns into a "yes, I do / no, you don't" argument -if I let it, which I don't.
I thought I knew what he was up to; now I'm not so sure and I'm furious that he's occupying my headspace.
Of course, I know the answer - detach, detach, and thrice detach, missus! Oh, bugger him.

Hi getting just to say I meant for u to discuss it as a family ,not for u to change Sundays but for dd to say how she is feeling when ur both present,I agree less is more ie short and positive rather than longer visits shut in bedrooms.glad uve got a plan ,I was that teenager locked in my room and its not a great place to be ,big hugs ,so good uve recognised the problem and got it out in the open ,would u consider ur husband to have a mysogynistic approach to women in general,just wondered if he would be the same if.Ds sat in his room .
Waves to mum fun and pink
Sov I don't let mine in my house , u have to train him.I agree u should be able to sit in ur own home and chill while he takes the kids out
Waves to happy and Elsie,
Have invited me and dcs round to someone with a w ii 2 nite ,I have no shame now LOL,they haven't replied yet but I'm going to keep trying ha ha ha x

Patience - 'u have to train him' that is so, so true and made me snort. Sadly, training my dog is easier. Ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good? Would that work? Not sure what reward I would give - a doggy biscuit . Now, where's my clicker...

I just found I got to a point Elsie when I thought why am I giving him the easy option.it was never going to change .he lives his life doing what he likes when he likes .least he can do is organise 8hrs a week with his dcs all by himself.I listened to his excuses for years ,now I don't and the freedom is lovely .heard "where sheep may safely graze " today very lovely piece of music don't know if its on u tube but if anyone posts a link then sit and listen to it with peace in ur heart x

Ah Patience lovely piece of music
Sorry you are all going through it with exes
Sov - I agree that it is unreasonable to let him in the house but I also understand why it is so difficult to do otherwise, with the excuses. I suppose you could just say if you want to see the kids you have to take them out, otherwise you don't see them. This may result in him not seeing them of course, or it might make him realise he can't take the piss.
Getting - also a difficult situation. I feel sorry for your dd having 2 footie matches to go to. I also think you're right that when your ex gets his own place it will be easier for your daughter. It's so hard to infulence what is going on in "his" time with the kids. I have the same problem with my exh. One of the reasons we split up was because we had very different ideas on childrearing, so I know when they go to his things happen that I don't like but I'm powerless to stop it (unless of course it was serious things, which it isn't) but I hate the fact that they have to watch footie on tv all weekend, or that they do nothing but play PC games all the time etc.
Elsie - sorry that you are also having a bad time. Lots of hugs to you.
Patience - you'e right - I do think a lot about what people think of me and whether I've offended them or not. I was really bullied at school because my dad was a headmaster and I felt very scared of other kids shouting things at me on the street or on the bus. I think that's why I still think about what others think of me. Mind you, I was relieved to send the text last night. Feel like that's that over with. If I hadn't sent one, or sent something rude, I think it would have meant he phoned me and gave me loads of shit, which hopefully he won't.

He won't cos u will only go there if u choose to.ur the leading lady on this film "Goo Goo the movie"
U call the shots,its really liberating when u choose to walk ur own path ,its not negative or immoral to live ur life as u choose ,its just some people were brought up this way ,I wasn't.this year I've worked hard to follow my instincts and roll with situations when they happen its a whole new game of life googs its really throwing of ur shackles letting go of ur past and embracing ur new found emancipation x .

And googs u don't need to explain urself just do what u like ,like what u do x
X just phoned Ds had him on speakerphone everyone heard his dad shouting at him cos he wasn't paying attention,he was playing with his pals wii.had to stop to take the call ,he is 5.

Thanks for all the advice ladies, i wanted to say no but wasnt sure if i was doing the right thing, i feel the same as your post at 18.30 Patience, he's a big boy and needs to sort this out for himself
I text him and said after careful consideration i had decided no he couldn't have DC here and to ask his sisters or get some money and take them to a soft play area, i'm more than happy for him to take them out even just for an hour, his response......nothing, am really not surprised tbh

Goo, i was bullied all through my school years and always worried about what people thought of me, then when i was 20 something happened and i just snapped, now i couldnt give a toss what people think, if you dont like me then thats your problem not mine!!
The way i think now is there is only 5 people in this world who's opinion of me matters, me and my 4DC

Getting, sounds like a good plan :)

Patience, your X shouting at DS why do they think this is ok to do? FFS he's 5 and having fun

Elsie, my X origionally wanted to be friends but i just can't do it, i tried but like someone on here said, you dont treat your friends like our X's treated us
We dont need to be friends to be good parents if he tries the pantomime act again just say whatever!, sometimes they just do it to see if we'll bite and reassure them over and over again, it's all about making themselves feel good and reaffiming that we still care about them
When my X gets in my head space i turn the music up loud and sing and dance till it quietens again, i basically drowned him out, see if it works for you too

Waves insanely at everyone i have forgotten and hope you all have a great night and even better day tomorrow, am off to indulge in some jamaican ginger cake, cuppa tea and a film, night all x

Sov - good on you, I think that was the right thing to do. Let him stew on it.
Elsie - I agree with Sov about being friends with exes. My exbf is desperate for me to be his friend, not because he likes me or really wants to but because it will make him look like a jolly nice bloke and everyone will think oh well, he can't have treated Goog that badly or she wouldn't be friends with him. Fat chance I'm afraid. And he's such a narc that me not being friendly with him is starting to really annoy him.
Funny how many of us seem to have been bullied at school. I still feel quite ashamed of my "posh" background and still feel like most people don't think I'm very attractive because of things that happened at school. I remember getting off the school bus and standing by the front door waiting and this lad in my class was shouting "You fucking ugly cow, look at you!" from the back. I'll never forget it. It was awful.

Patience - your ex and shouting - just like my exh. It's awful. Good job your ds has you. I love thinking that I'm starring in "Googoo the movie" - that brought a little smile to my face - going to keep that in mind! This week has been very stressful and I wish I didn't have to deal with manipulative, selfish people in my private life and at work. But I must have a lot more self esteem than I used to because now I know it's not me, that I am a good person and nice to know - I know it's them. Have to work very hard this year on focussing on the people I love and who love me. My friend at school sent me a lovely text the other night saying "Can't believe what has happened at work today. You are a wonderful person. Don't let it get you down" That meant such a lot. coming from someone who I really love. All my exbf could say about this friend was "She's bloody fat isn't she?" I should have finished him there and then. Nasty, nasty man.

here's a great song

Here's another one from Billie Holiday
She definitely didn't give a fuck.

On a roll here on me own :) What about this for an empowering song?

We all have things from our youth googs that suck but don't re energise these negative memories let them go now ,cut the cord ,leave this baggage behind and enjoy feeling lighter and happier.

Have a good weekend everyone ,praying for peaceful visits with fathers and happy dcs with smiles x

Here, here Patience, with a huge emphasis on dcs with smiles .

Hello everyone. Have just read the previous two or three pages. good to hear from all of you. Clouded view you are clearly an old hand here, hello, I am new but a relatively old dumpling (May/July last year) so am detaching well ...
Someone, tell me what a narc/narcish personality is - it is narcissistic?
Getting, I agree with what Mumfun says about the keys, or could you hide a set eg bury in a pot somewhere? I have had the same things this week about not having H to help me. Had to take the car for an oil change: got a friend to pick me up from the garage and we took her dog for a walk; then to get the car back again, got dd2's school transport taxi to take me to the garage and retraced my steps. so complicated though. Also cannot put in a tube light without H, very irritating but too high up. He is here this weekend - technically I could be away but like Sov I do not want to go away one weekend in three - can't afford it and have nowhere to go that regularly. Guess it would be different if I had a man I wanted to see, then I might be pleased, but I don't.
Getting I am sure this business of going to DAd's house is down the track for us but so far he has no house the DDs can go to. I simply cannot see DD1, nearly 15, being prepared to go ... don't know how we will cross that bridge but have to stop thinking about unknowns!
Had a right palaver this week which I won't bore you with involving DD2 going on a World at Work day (organised last November)and the school transport people ringing at 5.15 the day before to say they were not permitted to take her off the school site. Of course I did not know this useful fact. I was furious, could not get through to the transport people because they had all gone home, desperately trying to sort it out, when H rang for his normal early evening call and like an idiot I engaged with him and told him all about it and how frustrated I was.
His response was a total classic, along the lines of "well, that's what happens when you are a perfectionist, you can't cope when things go wrong ..." W T F. I just handed the phone to one of the girls.
We also are about to have a scene as h e is angry the DDs don't want to have a long conversation with him every night. Fraid I am with the girls on this one but he thinks it is impolite and bad manners that they cannot give him one or two details of their day.
Anyway I am going out to supper tonight, and went to Black Swan with a girl friend last night. So will be escaping a bit.

Off, yes a narc/ narcish personality is a narcissit
Your H's response should have been how can i help? rather than having a dig at you, i hope you got something sorted out in the end

Just had a big scare DS3 had locked himself in my bedroom, it is a fairly thick lock which was there when i moved in and it's quite high up the door so am surprised he managed to lock it, anyway, tried coaxing him to open the door and he couldnt, tried kicking it in but again couldnt, called DSF, he had a go but couldnt do it without wrecking the door and the door frame so i had to call X, rang him 10 times, text him twice and was just about to give up when i called him again, this time he answered and i asked if he'd got my messages he said no so i quickly explained what was happening and DS3 had been trapped 30 minutes and asked if he could come help
Thankfully he came round immediately and within 5 minutes had DS3 out with minimal damage, he said he had to run because he was sorting out his old car and a scrappy was coming for it soon, i was very very tempted to say that he could come back and see DC or come tomorrow but i didnt i swallowed it down as i knew that was my relief talking and i would regret it
Well the fact a scrappy is collecting his car means he should at least have £50 off them (think thats the minimum) so will be interested to see if he contacts me about taking DC out.....watch this space!

Big hugs sov ,what a fright u must have got,glad he is safe , good luck 2 morrow x

My reverse parking is getting much better since moving to the town but need advice on how do u know how close ur to the car behind u when u manoeuvre.do u look out ur back window,use ur mirrors or open ur door or ask 5yo son to stand on the pavement and guide u ?I use all of these options but wondered how others do it x

Mirrors and go phenomenally slowly so you just brush the car behind!! or ask a passer by to advise ...