Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

• even

You could put a thread in the employment area for advice Googoo and see what they say, but ring the union today without fail x

I wouldn't talk to him at all .any contact at all will keep u/him hooked in,trust me I know.
Enjoy ur time with the girls but don't spend ur day talking about him and be prepared they might talk about another woman.

Thanks Tea and Patience :)
I'm so used to being so polite and helpful in everyday life - ignoring a message is kind of against my internal rules IYKWIM! But I think I will ignore him...just going to do bath and bed x

Hi girls, just had a small lurk and glad that you are bit a bit better than a few days ago. I'm ok but too busy, tired and stressed to be on here much at the mo. xxx

Oh CV lovely to see you back again and sorry you are having a dip but you will come out of it and I bet it will feel a few steps more forward when you do

Patience hope you get an appointment soon x

Goo you can never have too many friends so try and find a way to see them if you liked them. Sorry you are upset and I hope you are feeling a bit better a maybe ?

Happy hope you found the hankies x

Funny day here tbh but not all bad

DD complaining to me about weekend ahead at xh, she gets really bored I think. Its hard to know what to say and all I can do is encourage her to talk to him but shes 11yo and doesnt want to. Am going to have a long think what to do.

Hi Pink

If its a door u want to keep closed then don't go there.if u want to reopen the door give him a call .
U don't have to explain urself to anyone in this world.IME good self esteem is doing what I want,when I want as long as I'm not hurting anyone,u certainly don't need to feel bad about blanking him.I just blanked my X ,Ds spoke on the phone for 60 seconds and I feel no pain.Not my problem.Why would we need to be hooked into narc men that hurt us.

No, I don't want to open the door. I loved him very much but I've realised he wasn't worthy of that love :)
And he is the biggest narc I know. That's why he is still keeping in touch. It's completely frustrating him that I haven't been in touch crying and pleading for him back. No more narc supplies from me!
Hi Pink - sorry you are busy, tired and stressed. I know what you mean. Lots of love x
Hi Getting. Well, I've emailed friend from his village back to say I would love to go to beauty thing with them all - it's in Newcastle not in his vilage so should be good. I will always be mates with the girls , just on my terms because I've realised I can't go back to the village. Not just because of exbf but because I loved it there more than anywhere I'd ever been to and wanted to be there forever - so it's too painful at least at the moment to go back.
Thanks for all the advice ladies. Wouldn't ask anyone else :)
So it's not rude not texting back then? Thing is, I don't want to talk to him and I don't think it matters if I'm a bit rude - he was horrible to me.

Evening all

Goo, no it's not rude not texting back,i wouldnt text if it was me and i'm the type who likes to have the last word....well in arguments anyway lol

Patience, any word from your councillor? have you managed to get an appointment?

Getting, i hope you can figure something out with DD although she may start not wanting to go soon if she is feeling that bored also it's an age thing where they would prefer to be with their mates than their parents

Happy, hope you managed to have a good cry, sometimes it does the world of good

Waves to everyone else

Had a crap day today got a letter from the fraud department they want to see me again next week and i am really panicking as they said it would take a while but sent me the appointment out the very next day, they wouldnt have had time to contact my neighbours so i am now wondering what the hell is going on and have had my head crammed with that so been snappy all day

Had a big row with DM tonight and ended up screaming at her and slamming the phone down, she started shouting at me becasue of my sisters mobile phone bill, saying it was my fault it's so high cause i sorted out the price plan, tried saying to her i just told her what was what and she picked which one to get and she was having none of it so i just snapped and let rip, looks like i'll be in the dog house for a while which also means i wont be going out saturday night as she wont let my DSF babysit and i was supposed to be going with her...oh well cba at the moment have enough to deal with
My DM has a lot of Narc qualities to her personality but as she is the only person i see or speak to some weeks i cant break away from it and just have to bite my tongue and get on with it most of the time....i wish my life was differnt :(

GGM, so sorry you're having a rubbish time. It's awful having work things hanging over you. Good that you're keeping in touch with the girls from the village. I don't think it's rude to ignore a text at all. If you forgot to reply to a text from a girlfriend at the very worst they would just think you were forgetful. And his text doesn't really need a reply, it was all a bit rhetorical. Your phone is for your convenience not his.

Hello Sov. Fraud thing is crap. Don't know how you keep your head when people blame you for someone else's phone bill when your life has just been turned upside down. I wish your life was different too. It will be, one day x

Hi sov ,no answer yet thanks for asking ,but had a make urself happy bootcamp kind of day today ,which means I wrote out my 9 areas of my life and had to do something from all of them,I think busy is good for me idle is not,unfortunately doom makes me slow down,had a great chat with nursery today ,they said I was really positive regarding my situation.I had to laff .anyway thanks again for everyone s support just been a difficult week for me, I guess if I hate feeling trapped then I have to change that ,everything else is ok just my social life but magnified if I compare it to his life ,so I can't go there anymore,he is living the life of a 16 yo.I need to think what I want and work towards it .only a night out every couple of months not impossible ,all part of the rebuild.btw sov I think ur babysitting plan is fab ,I can watch six no bother ,hope case works out fine thinking of u x

Thinking of you too Sov. Just remember, you have nothing to hide and so they won't find anything. Lots of love petal x
Patience - glad you have had a bootcamp day. Nursery knows you are a good mum too, as we all do. I often think school thinks I'm a shit mum tbh. Been trying really hard with the boys, doing homework with them and making sure they've done their reading. Sometimes I forget, which is so crap I know.
Well, I texted him. Just said "Hello I've just arranged a meetup with the girls really looking forward to it. Catch up with you at some point." Hopefully he'll get the hint and leave it now. Feel relieved I've done it and if he texts again I'm not replying :)

He will reply LOL ,but just use this is a field study,I would guess he wouldn't reply right away ,keep u hanging.But any text u send says to him ur still interested as long as u know that's the game.it doesn't mean that he gets in touch now ,its just him testing the water seeing if ur still in his black book.put his number under a new name ,like knob end or something I find it helps with detatchment when I see it on my phone.
Ps I am not judging u at all goog just telling u how it is ,resist the urge ,blank him or he could end up next to u on ur beauty trip getting a back sack and crack wax .

lol at back sack and crack!
Thing is, I don't care. He's not right for me and I know that. I just didn't want him to be able to badmouth me in any way to the people he knows. I've answered and that's it. If he does reply, I'm not replying back. But he can't say I wasn't polite or that I blanked him.
Funny realy, cos I've still been upset about him but this incident has yet again shown me what an arse he is and how I don't want him back even if I do still have feelings for him. He's really controlling and he hates that I haven't been on to him crying or begging or even just being friendly. He will know from my text that I don't want to speak to him. It was very terse for me.
And if he thinks I'm still interested, I don't care. Cos I ain't. And that's such a step forward for me :) And the beauty treatment with the girls is having your feet nibbled by fish. Should be good! They'll have a good meal on mine I can tell ya. Not much pampering come their way for years!

Fish nibbling wow report back goo, thought that was only on TV!

God Sov what a nightmare but dont worry if you have done nothing wrong you have done nothing wrong just hold your head high. Mobile companies are shits not your advice, spent 1.45 hours today fighting vodaphone who have charged me £194 for dd phone for 3 months instead of £30. Dumpling will abandoned me and I accepted a deal when should have said fuck off its £30. Agree its DD age and you are right but its hard to rationalise sometimes

Patience keep smiling if you can sweets it just keeps going like a juggernaut doesnt it

No worries googs ,read this thing that said in life there are no mistakes only lessons to learn.just reading ur posts what comes across is u worry what others think of u .....ease up ,u don't have to,u can blank as many folk as u like ,if anyone isn't right for me in my life now I never answer their texts,school moms r my speciality LOL,but if a guy hurts me on some kinda ego trip he can fuck off.
Ps sex and the city repeats are really good so much dysfunction the Carrie versus Big thing is all adrenaline or indifference x

Morning everyone

Scrabbling around for fabulousity this morning. Popped to the shop first thing and got back to find I had no keys, tg caught ds just before he went in to school and took his keys.

Horrible realisation that if I hadnt caught him what would I have done, no xh to ring and say guess what I forgot my keys come and help me out.

Like yesterday arguing with Vodaphone nobody else to sort stuff out the buck stops here.

Then I remember goos story about all the xhs helping their wives in the snow and she had no one and I think when do I ever forget my keys I dont need the crap of a bad marriage in order to survive lifes ups and downs.

I seem to be in a strange place atm and its hard to describe. Feelings of anxiety are creeping in again but I cant see why.

I know the dd situation isnt helping. By rights she should just be enjoying her weekends doing what she wants. This packing a bag every other weekend and camping out at ows is unatural and why should she have to. In a normal situation she would choose if she wants to go and watch her dad play football on a sunday then her brother. As it is she has no choice but to traipse around 2 matchs every other sunday.

Spoke to ds last night asking what dd does at "dads" and he said she spends most of the time on her phone in the room she sleeps in and is reluctant to sit with them watching TV etc. Ds says xh makes lots of effort to include her but she doesnt want to know and is quite offish which I can believe.

I think all I can do is hope once xh moves into his own house and she has a proper room again and maybe feels more at home things will improve. I really dont want to speak to xh again about it as its not up to me to interfere in their set up. I just wish he felt that he should be doing everything to build a good relationship with her whereas I suspect his view will be that its her age or that he is doing everything he can or that its time she snapped out of it its been over a year etc.

Anyway.

Got a nice day ahead am out for dinner tonight at a friends but she is leaving her h due to suspected infidelity and it sounds like he is following the script so at least I can advise with all my MN experience These men are just beyond belief really.

Have a nice day everyone

Hi everyone

Getting I have a lovely neighbour in his 80s who keeps keys for a lot of neighbours. Ive been really glad of it a couple of times For phones Ive just switched network to Giffgaff www.giffgaff.co.uk They use O2 -a lot of techie people in the know are switching to them as their deals are good . I pay £10 a month and get a lot for it. But you have to get your phone unlocked to move to them and get out of existing deal. Sorry your friends H is following the script - they all do with minor variations unfortunately.

Sorry DD is forced to do stuff shes not really minded to. Mine is too and isnt hugely impressed. At the age your DD is she could choose not to go for the weekend but of course that brings other stuff up.

Goo I dont think I would have replied to text. Who the does he think he is to dump you, do all that crap music stuff and then contact you again.

All the real veterans just say detach, detach, detach

But great to meet the girls for style and beauty fun. Just take it as a massive compliment that they ignore his behaviour to you and want to see you. Sorry you had a yuck day yesterday. Hope today is better

Sov I would be tempted to ask them to assess your benefits to see if you are underclaiming :) Only joking but just get through it and at least it shouldnt happen again. Sorry you have a narcish mum - it isnt fun. Cant you feed her a bit by subtly saying the DCs like her baby sitting and say shes better at [some made up thing] than you. My narc mother would love that and be round like a shot.

((Pink))

CV glad to see you back. Sorry youve had a horrid week of illness. Hope it all clears up soon and that the spring coming soon etc will give you a lift. As the months go on and they get a bit older it does get easier. Can you do more more mum trips?

Starting - best aunt story. You couldnt make it up!

Off and Kate - you cant believe these men- except you can sadly. Cant belive yours Kate thought that would be ok. They are not on cloud 9 - just on Planet W

Happy -glad BE's saint staud was compromised early on :)

Elsie - cryptic is sensible sometimes.

Tea - glad there will be anpother opportunity for meetup and want full report

What does dd do at urs on a Sunday getting,if she doesn't want to watch football what is her dads reaction.if her pov isn't listened to it will piss her off and she will withdraw ,all she wants is some attention.can she come home early on a sunday if she doesnt want to stay or is she happy with what she is being asked to do ?

Morning all, quick post.

Rushing round a bit trying to keep busy as feeling rubbish.

"I seem to be in a strange place atm and its hard to describe. Feelings of anxiety are creeping in again but I cant see why." - Getting, I feel exactly the same.

Sov, I find the fraud thing incredible, rooting for you and I am sure they will see the error of their ways.

Getting, I'm sure as the DCs get older they will start to do their own thing and somehow the XH visits will morph into another arrangement. My youngest DS was 14 when BE left and only stayed with XH for about 5 nights ever before XH went off to Bumpkinland. In true BE style of course, BE used that as an excuse for moving away, "the kids rarely want to stay with me". In reality, BE never really wanted to put in place a formal arrangement with them and therefore things were always pretty ad hoc. Not helped of course by the fact that he was lying about OW to them so that made it hard for him to be flexible. But then my DCs, whilst they loved their dad, wanted, as I think Pink once said, to see him for breakfast and on the way to the bathroom, not in a flat a few miles from home where friends can't drop in and "it's not home". And I think that teenagers often want to just do their own thing. My mum left home when I was a teenager (complicated) and I rarely visited her. I loved her but just felt uncomfortable with the situation, where she was living, etc and wanted to be at home and with my friends.

Ah well, back later, waves to all. Counselor taken ill so lack of chance to whinge to him not helping my mood.

Have a bit of a dilemma and not sure what to do so advice please

X has text and asked if he can have DC on a sunday at my house and i get a free day, thats all good but i dont really want him in the house without me being here and i also dont have anywhere to go for the day, cant afford to do anything either so i would be stuck in the same situation as usual, i want him to take them out and give me a free day as there is plenty i can be doing in the house without them around but he is saying he cant do that so any adive please

Sov, that is hard, I can understand the dilemma. Is there anywhere else at all he could take them? If not I guess you could try a half day and see how it goes?

FWIW I really struggle with this XH in the house business. I have promised not to let him in on numerous occasions but find it hard not to give in as the DCs make me feel guilty and I foolishly find myself trying to be kind to him when I get sweet f a in return.

If he asked either of his sisters they would both agree to him taking DC to their house's but he refuses, says it's not fair on them to have the DC there touching things
1 sister has a DS(6), the other has no kids at all but when i spoke to them in the past they both said they were ok with X taking DC there (sister with DS is who X lives with)
He's not willing to take them out until he has his own place, he says he has no money so cant take them to a soft play (he always has cigs, petrol and usually canabis too) so i feel like i dont have a choice but it's not fair that i should have to leave my home, even if i was speaking to DM i couldnt cope with spending the entire day with her and my sister and DM has said if i let X back in the house to see DC she wont speak to me again.....it's all bollocks

From all you say it seems a lot more reasonable that he takes DCs for maybe half a day to start with - to one of his sisters. He isnt giving you any money is he? Why should he use your house then?

I know its a bad situation overall.

Your healing will be better if he doesnt come into the house (())