Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Just finished a horrible cold so you have my sympathies Tea. Really hard juggling dc's & being sick. Hope it doesn't set in ((Hugs))

Have read and retained little, sorry

Had a blazing row with X today and have said enough, i dont want him in my house any more
It didnt go well to say the least, i now dont think he will be seeing DC for a very long time :(
I ended up telling him how much of a bad father he was and that he needed to grow up and take some responsibilty, although i speak the truth i still feel very sad by it, i lost my serenity and dignity tonight
Usually i reassure him saying he's a good dad and the DC miss him and loads of other crap to make him feel good and tonight i just thought enough, i cba anymore
we were both very very nasty to each other and i shed a few tears, not because of what he said but through frustration at what i said to him [sigh] hope it doesnt take me too long to shake this off

Thing is I don't feel I've ballsed up my life I'm not depressed,just ashamed to end up living on hundreds of pounds of benefits,Ds on free school meals etc,I had a 20 yr career GONE.....just like that.I live in town which I hate,all I wanted was my kids to grow up in the country.I said to my X 2nite I'm just a fucking babysitter and he said u always were ,what's the difference now ?

Sov - sorry that's happened but I admire your ability to be honest with your ex. Don't feel bad. You told him the truth.
Patience - you should never ever feel ashamed about benefits or free school meals. You are a good mum, you are there for your kids, you are doing your very very best with no help and in difficult circumstances. And you ex is completely disrespectful and horrible. It makes him feel good to make you feel bad and that's because he is miserable and hates himself, even if he doesn't realise it. I wish I was there so I could hug you. The country doesn't need to be a dream - you can work towards it being a reality. Just remember this is a rocky part of the journey and you don't get any time off, so you are knackered and this can make you feel down - not surprisingly. Lots of love. The Geordies are a coming you know, VERY SOON :)

Goo, you've just said what I was thinking to Patience & Sov . You've both been left in crap situations (as I was) & have done your best. ((Hugs))

Starting thanks, thought provoking.
Patience, you sound so lovely, you are not trapped for ever I am sure, sending you a big hug.
My life just seemed to fold in around me to be honest, have never ever felt myself to be an unlucky or a sad person, nor in the grip of events, but things completely out of my control just hit me (eg child's profound disability) and when that happens you just have to roll with it and see what happens next. As you are doing now. As many of us are doing. x

Offschool - when you have a child with a profound disability life must often seem very unfair, exhausting and like a rollercoaster. Your situation completely puts mine into perspective. I have a lot of respect and admiration for you and I'm so glad you're one of my virtual friends on here x

Course its shameful to be on benefits ,u have to explain why a 5yo doesn't need money for a money lunch.you've worked ur arse off for years and then become a fucking charity case ,while my X goes to the pub.

Off, you have my total admiration too. Trying to juggle a child with a profound disability on your own must feel so lonely & hard.

Patience, I can understand why your struggling. All of the other stuff i.e. benefits that happens when you separate just seems like a double whammy ((Hugs))

Patience - your ex is in the pub. Exactly. He ain't providing for you. It's his shame, not yours. Hugs from here as well x

Patience....nothing to be ashamed of re benefits. They are there to help, it's your H who should feel ashamed, not you.

We are lucky to live in a country where we can get benefits (such as they are).

It's only temperary, one day Patience, you will have a sucsesful business and will earn TONS of dosh

My X has been away 15mths ,I've never had a night off ,never mind a night out ,but then I'm just the fucking babysitter.how does it change,cos I've tried every option and its still the same ,u just accept it ,roll with it whatever u want to call it.if u complain u just get called a nasty bitter bitch by the man u thought loved u.what I have learned is no one wants to know u if ur husband dumps u .so glad others have support but not my own experience.

Take it from me it just makes u feel shit u can't provide for ur family.

Patience, I can understand what you're saying. I remember that first 6 mts after I threw xh out, no one was there for me either. I ended up on my own, family were useless, friends either disappeared or had their own lives. I was blessed to have two close friends to chat to but aside from that I was on my own 24/7 & with 2 of the dc's babies. I found it so hard I think in part that was the reason I ended up taking xh back. Sad reality is some men leave their dc's aswell. On a practical level try to fit in as much as you can for yourself while dc's are at school/nursery, it really does make a difference & save your sanity. Still not easy I know ((Hugs))

I work when dcs are at school /nursery just not making a wage yet but will never cover monthly costs.I understand wot ur saying pink re dss,but u feel like ur stealing off the state .

U get to a place that ur ready to dip ur toe in the water,go out ,meet people,all part of moving on.then u realise ur not goin anywhere ,he's got u trapped good and proper.he dumps the kids and goes partying cos ur there to look after his kids.but ur never goin out .so maybe when the kids get older,oh wait a minute that means I'm older too right lol total desperate single mom on benefits not had a social life for years ,I think I will have been carted off by then,just don't want to be that sad lonely bitch but how the fuck do I get out of it ?

Patience, one step at a time you will get out of it. I know it's so hard when you're stuck in the middle. Tbh I think my xh did that too at the beginning, didn't have dc's so that I was trapped. Our day will come.......

Just was doing well with not being bitter,as soon as I mention to X he says ur just a nasty bitter bitch,and then he turns his phone off.Classy eh! Just think having a social life is crucial ,Ffs he dumped his wife and kids because of his ,but tonight I just think how ? its not that I didn't try to go out for the last 3 yrs LOL ,honest x

Patience like Starting says one step at a time.

So many of us, myself included, feeling very low.

Thats how I feel today like I am old , ok 44 isnt ancient but not young either to be rebuilding your life and imagining meeting someone and beginning the whole process again. I cant remember the last time a man looked at me and atm it feels like on that score the only way is down.

I hate the way he has trotted off into the sunset , he has his well paid job he loves his lovely romance and new family and he can keep his conscience clear about his dc seeing them regularly hence ensuring he has the best of all worlds.

Hes even found a great house he can afford almost immediately meanwhile I am looking and looking for the past 4 months. Nothing.

What is making me feel bitter is how on top of that I was the one who slogged her heart out to make a nice home and marriage for years while he did as he pleased. The unfairness of it is making me sick. I am feeling the relentless of this atm , how I have lost my perspective on everything and instead of all the good things I know I have in my life all I can see is a long unknown murky future.

I hope this is a reaction to finalising things and it passes soon because I just dont have the stomach for going downhill. Worse of all I think at root I am jealous of him and I shouldnt be.

Also it feels like all the dignity and not telling him what I think the last year has just allowed him to feel what a great guy he is and our split was just one of those things instead of me screaming at him what a selfish shit he is and how much I despise him.

Rant over. Sorry

Good weekend with a friend to stay, but I too have flopped since she has gone. OffSchool, Getting, Patience, Sov, Starting, Tea (and who have I missed?), it feels like all of us are a little challenged at the moment.

We all know that "this too will pass though" dont we? So I think we need to hang onto that. We all have things we can be proud of and much to hold our heads high about if we dig deep. I think I had better google and check whether perhaps this time is the most depressing time of the year after all rather than that time a while back when some of us had a similar down period.

I am resisting the urge to change my name to IfYoure TotallyHackedOffAndFeelingMiserable.

Right, I suggest we do the one emotional step and one practical step thing today. I will also do my thing of planning something for the mind (book to sort my head out), body (sport later I think), spirit and soul (alpha thing later this week and music?) as that seems to work.

Patience I loath your ex and I've never met him. Could anyone at that church you go to sometimes babysit? That's where I've found a few people to ask sometimes.

Head feels stuffed full of cotton wool and I'm still tired. DD climbed into my bed at some early hour and kept me awake for a while but she wasn't being troublesome really. Let's hope today is a better day. Off to shower whilst the kids watch Peppa.

This isn't going to change this is it now.living on hand outs and looking after kids 24/7 if I could change it I would .I cant .I officially hate my life and its only going to get worse.

Patience oh no. YOu need to plan how things are going to get better for you. Why cant he sit one night a week -or more. What about family, friends etc. Please think -and also say to people that yes you would like to go out. It can be very hard when you are challenged in so many ways but you have to reach out a bit or little will change.

It is all a grind I agree but if you hate things then it is time to try to change them. Could friends even come round and sit with you?

Sorry if it all seems so bleak.

Patience what Mumfun said, keep going this despair will pass its just so crap when you are in the midst of it x

OK Happy I will try the steps.My practical one is to look at a house tomorrow morning. Emotional one hmm yes maybe a book although mine dont seem to apply now. I need something for the stage I am at now

OK also and this will be controversial but I think the Alpha course is very misleading as it says it will help you explore the meaning of life - but it only does so from a very strictly Christian view.