Dumpling no more - only the strong survive and we did No.2

[Teaandcakeplease]

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinkin' I could never live without him by my side;
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong

This thread is for ex dumplings Any dumpling that feels like she has "mostly" moved past crisis into an "almost" sorted state can post and chat here as we continue our quest for serenity with a lot of laughs along the way and support.

Went back and explanation the poster gave me was quite good but still think I am better single . Thread is called Man Patience.

I know what you mean Patience but I think I will get over it mostly because in my case I can see how unsuited we had become to one another and how I couldnt stand to be with him now tbh.

What still sometimes defies belief is that I can feel the way I do re dating etc and in the meantime he has been with someone else in a proper relationship for almost a year !! If I am honest if I spend long thinking about that I find it so strange now rather than hurtful.

I hope that I can move on speedily down the road to recovery and just have him out of my thoughts completely. Please god send me a house so I can move and then we can 100% detach and from then on I can see no reason to have any contact whatsoever. I know lots of people have it much worse than me but I just want to start my new life now and feel like time is standing still living here.

Yes you are right Patience I am extremely lucky with my social life and have a lot of really good friends as well as more casual ones. This partly came about because I began building a good social life years ago because xh went out so much and I got fed up of sitting here by myself. Also I am good at making the effort to ring people and fix stuff up and so am always busy. Thank god really this last year and I think the volume of support I have enjoyed has been behind my relatively quick recovery and dealing with stuff.

Well I am going to have a lovely hour or so now trawling MN and catching up , will be back later on

Patience has xh taken the dc this afternoon ?

Starting what have you done this afternoon ?

Rachels xh was taking their dds today (usually looks after them there) and dd1 4yo wwoke up at 5.30am she was so excited about spending the day with him. Rachel was saying he hasnt a clue how much they miss him

Yep.spent the morning taking down the trampoline and then they went away.yep I agree if X was more open about his new life it would help me to move on ,I have friends but none who would want to go out to pubs and clubs ,all happily married with young kids happy to stay in at the weekend ,and I don't have anyone local to baby sit .just nearly going out showed me how tough it is to organise and really only practical if I drive.

90% of my socialising takes place in my sitting room or the friends ! Sometimes we go to the pub but it gets very expensive as we all drink a fair bit.

Almost all my friends are married too. I think part of the difference is our dc are older and so can be left on their own during the day or stay up late in the evenings so I rarely need a babysitter now.

Of course I am lucky that the 3 nights out of 14 the dc go to xh I can go out then.

Have you rescheduled the night out ?

I know getting ,I think the hardest part is having kids.X just gets to suit himself but even if I was to meet someone I just don't see how I could have a relationship.I wouldn't say I am happy on my own re other thread ,I guess I cope well because I've always been independent left home at 17yo didn't really love anyone except X .being alone doesnt frighten me I just think its a bit daunting to think this is it now.this is my new life ,me ferrying the kids around ,doing homework etc bathtime and bed.then it all starts again like groundhog day.

pmsl at no entry sign

Well managed to regain my dumpling spirit overnight . Sometimes I find I get great comfort from books & last night I went back to basics & picked up Susan J's Life is Huge. There was one chapter about coping with the breakup. One simple piece of advice that I hadn't thought about with a long time is get a piece of paper & devide it up into 9 squares. Each square should represent one area of your life. A relationship is only ONE square. I didn't actually do the paper thing but when I thought about my squares for a bit I realised I'm not doing too bad . Just have a bit of surplus time & energy now to put a bit extra into one of my other squares!

Another thing that happened today to give me a kick up the backside is that I met someone I'm friendly with in a casual way & OMG has she had a horrific situation to deal with. I'm not going to post details here but it's one of those things that is so traumatic that I think you'd lose your mind & she was handling it with such courage & dignity. Also sadly this is the second time in her life that she's been dealt a v cruel blow.

Getting, didn't have much free time today as ds had a party but managed to fit a lot in. Dropped ds to party & dd's to xh & then went to a kind of spiritual group where I met my friend. Dashed back home as ds was being dropped home & then dropped ds back into xh so that he could have an hr with him. I used the hr to do grocery shopping. Great that you have such great friends in your life. I have a few really good friends but the rest are more casual friends that I can have a great laugh with but who I wouldn't really share too much of the more private stuff of my life with.

Patience, it is hard to build up a social life when you're left with dc's pretty much 24/7. I actually like Getting had build up a good social life separate to xh while he was still here but when he left I found it hard to keep it up. I think I managed to pretty much get back on track again last year. It takes time though & obviously you do need to have a babysitter. One step at a time & you'll get there.

I just don't meet many people on my wavelength starting and I think trust is a big issue always was ,definately is now.just think I've just got to accept this life now,I always struggled doing the housewife mumsy bit and now its fucking compulsory ,whoopy doo .

Hi all.
I don't have many mates either Patience. Got a good friend at school, been for coffee with her today. Got a good single mum mate in Newcastle and I've rediscovered our friendship since last November. My other friend lives in Brighton and I've got a mate in Cambridge. Got two mates who aren't mums, both of whom are in new relationships and so I don't see them at the moment. Can't complain cos I did the same thing when I was with exbf. I find I'm in the house on my own every night, although I do get every other weekend off. But I don't meet many people on my wavelength either. Exbf's village was full of people I loved and they've been sending me messages on fb. One girl who is in the girls' book group sent me a lovely message saying they all missed me, as did the barmaid from the pub. Been really down about it cos I've lost them now. I don't want to go to his village cos he'll be there. Never mind. We will both get there love. I also struggled with housewife mumsy bit lol - I'm no earth mother and yes, that is now compulsory!
Let's get the evening out rearranged x

Ground hog day. Oh yes Patience that's how it feels for me. I don't really have a social life at all, I'm often at home in the evenings. Can really relate to a lot of what is being said on here.

As an aside, I feel horribly guilty as I admit I'm enduring this time not enjoying it, until my little ones get older and vaguely easier too I won't get this stage back and they're so lovely but I'm not an earth mother either and struggle to keep my cool, be reasonable and measured all the time and do lots of nice things with them. Think I need to re-read Sov's fantastic 10 commandments again

Just had enough tbh .

Me too. Sat in church and cried this morning. My exH isn't the low life yours is, but it's so wearing right now with my 2 and 3 year old, the constant squabbling, slamming doors, snatching things off each other, DD spat at me today (new one, obviously learnt at nursery ) and called her brother "stupid" which she's never done before, I never say that word so it must also have been picked up at nursery They're waking early for the last 2 days and I count down the hours until they get into bed, been a shouty mummy today and yesterday. I AM going to get an early night tonight and be on top form again tomorrow, even if it kills me. Chin up and tits out.

ExH has had OW down for 4 days so far and of course I've barely heard a peep. As soon as she goes home no doubt I'll get a text saying "when can I see the kids?" It's alright for some isn't it? How is this going to work when they move down and in together? That's the million dollar question as she hates him texting/ talking to me when about and doesn't like him coming over to see the DCs here.

Sorry you're feeling down atm Patience ((Hugs)). I was certainly not the earth mother type either but have no choice but to go with the flow. Most of my social life takes place during the mornings. I have about 2.5 hrs dc free every morn this yr & I work in a lot of coffee morns & meet ups etc. College is my main outlet & when I have a busy wk such as this wk I've 2 nights & 1 day well then I won't be able to get out to anything else. I've found I've just had to work it what I can around dc's over the past few yrs.

On a funny note when I dropped dc's today xh's hair looked hideous. He'd dyed it but it looked orange. I took one look at him & said "who dyed your hair" he told me where he got it done & I burst out laughing & said if anyone did that to my head I'd sue them . Also when I collected dc's it was lashing out of the heavens & as xh hasn't a car atm I offered to drop him somewhere he was going. Well during journey he said "just to let you know in case eldest dd says anything about finding shoes in my house, well they were belong to x friend who stayed overnight". I just looked over at him & said look dd is old enough now to understand, we've had a chat about girlfriends etc. What a f twat!! When he got out of car eldest dd said to me that they were playing hide & seek & she saw loads of women's shoes next to xh's & she thought there were clothes there as well. She said she then went for a poke around in bathroom but xh was coming so she left it but did see nail varnish etc . The amazing thing about all this is that I wasn't in the least bit fazed & I think because of my attitude neither was dd, it was more curosity on her part. Only concern I'd have is that he mentioned having dc's overnight & while I doubt he'd launch into introducing them to a 25 yr old Thai girlfriend I still don't want to rush opening that door for dc's. Will deal with it a day at a time & tbh I'd have no prob in talking openly to him at this stage. He prob thinks he's playing me for a fool atm but sooner or later he'll realise I genuinely don't give a flying f*k anymore!

Well done Getting on your deed of sepperation being signed. What a relief.

Hats off to all of you with small DC, it must be the hardest thing in the world and I don't know how you do it I really don't.

I think you're all amazing xxx

Ah Tea x post ((Hugs)). Sorry to hear you're also feeling down atm. If it's any consolation it gets a lot easier as they get older. Mine have same age gap as your's but are I think it's a yr older & it's so so much easier this past yr. Hang in there ((Hugs)). What our xh's did is crap I know & them having dc's for a few hrs & getting on with their lives is crap too but these are the cards we've been dealt atm & we can only do the best we can & look towards a brighter future.

Patience and Tea - I feel like that too. Got boys back tonight and I'd changed their beds. 4 year old didn't want the cover I'd put on but I wasn't going to give in, so he had a screaming fit for about 30 minutes, hitting me, trying to take the bedtime book out of my hands, older one had hands over his own ears, it was crap. It is groudhog day. No wonder I'm constantly knackered.
Starting lol at your ex's hair. My exh once came round unable to talk properly. When I asked why he said "I've burnt me fuckin lips on the fucking teeth whitening stuff the dentist gave me. Couldn't be bothered to read the instructions so I just fuckin poured it in me gob." Then to make it even harder not to laugh, he opened his mouth, grinned and bared his perfectly grey teeth and said "At least me tegs are fuckin dazzling though". Priceless.

Goo, you have just given me the best belly laugh I've had in awhile at that pic with your xh .

On a different note I'm always knackered too & can have those crap days of tantrums too but luckily they've lessened a lot. Bed times are the worst though as you are just craving that bit of peace at the end of a long day. Tbh Pink had mentioned about me getting sick a lot & I think it's as a result of trying to juggling all the balls in the air. Speaking of which to be kind to myself I invested in a course of vitamins & fish oil supplements today in the hope of feeling more energised. I also treated myself to two uplifting aromatherapy oils which I have now burning all over house .

Starting I have not heard that thing about a pattern of nine squares before. What worries me is what my nine would be! feel too many would be empty gaps. Are the eight apart from your relationship meant to be anything specifically or do you choose your own? I think I should have a go at this.
One thing my children's therapist said to me when i was really low was that I should try to "reframe" my thoughts. I did not really know what that meant but after she had gone, in my little book that night, I drew a load of empty picture frames and in each wrote what I thought of H. Found it really cathartic! I suppose I have moved on in that I do not write in the little book any more.
But my sister rang me from London half an hour ago and I am afraid I cried.

1. two rubbish nights with DD2, constantly broken sleep
2. helper due tonight at 8 rang with a migraine so I had to put DD2 to bed on my own; had started a glass of wine so had to chuck it down the sink
3. foul foul dental appointment due tomorrow which will cost me £550. don't speak.
4. car needs oil change and I cannot get it to a garage as I have no free time till weds p m
5. internet off all day today (no idea why) so long faces here from the teenagers - one actually had to read a book . I know nothing to moan about compared to millions of people but it just mounts up sometimes on a Sunday, and when I think of H lord of the manor-ing it with OW I could just kill him. ACtually I probably would have done except it would have left the children parentless. Hope I get some sleep tonight.

Tea........I know I've said it before but I really recomend that you find a good parenting course. I did one main one and a few sibbling rivallry ones when my DC were 4 months old and 3 years old and I can honestly say that they changed my life and saved our family life and taught me the parenting skills I needed in order to build a good relationship with DS1 which didn't get off to a good start for various reasons.

That main course was about the best thing I've ever done in my life and I feel SO grateful to have had the opportunity to have done it.

It was also a good way to meet people and make friends.

I'm sitting here thinking about it and remembering what a total revelation it was and one woman's particular problem was her 3yr old daughter spitting.
It was so amazingly freeing and enlightening to learn a few very simple techniques to get my DC to listen to me, respond well and have good outcomes and to do it all without shouting. Truely wonderful

Just hate my life basically feel trapped.

Off, sorry to hear you too had such a crap day. Some days I find just suck & it's a case of getting through them as best you can. I had the dental thing over past two wks & had to shell out a similar amout so I feel your pain with that! I've often left my car with oil light flashing & apart from the time I burnt out an engine 10yrs ago it's usually been fine

On the whole square business which I did feel was a v positive thing & had used this in the past when I was feeling low. Well one square could be extended family i.e. work on your relationships with then. Another could be dc's & again work on spending quality time with them. Another could be work or college in my case. Another could be friends, working on building new friends or strengthening the ones we already have. Another could be hobbies. Another could be your spiritual development. Another could be your home i.e. keeping a nice house. Another could be food i.e. eating well. Another could be me time i.e. spending time each day doing something nice for yourself. Basically you build the squares, doesn't really matter if you don't have nine to start with but just build on what you have.

It helped me get things into perspective anyway last night. House is clean, I've stocked up on lots of healthy food (but threw in a pizza for tonight as I hadn't the energy to cook ). I got my vitamins & oils. I met some nice people today. I was able to be kind & civil to xh (big one lol). Basically it just helps you see life isn't too bad . Actually was just thinking this thread will have to be one of my squares

Oh Patience - I'm hugging you virtually. I often feel trapped too. And like I've completely ballsed up my life. And I need to go on a parenting course. Younger one has behaviour problems and it completely wears me out. Lots of love x
Offschool - I don't know how you do it. Much love to you.
I think we all need some tlc. I'm trying to give it to you all from here.
This too shall pass. This downer mood.

Pink, that sounds so positive . I've learnt a lot through my psychology course & counselling course but actually could still benefit from one so must keep my eyes open for one.

Patience, sending you big hugs & positive vibes. This too shall pass. I know that feeling of being trapped ((Hugs))

Goo & Patience, I often feel like I've ballsed up my life too on the bad days but it does pass. Sometimes I think back on all the pain & mental torture that I had in last few yrs of marriage & no matter how bad it is now it's better then that.

I could do the course but I'd forget half of it in a week. I have a terrible memory quite frankly. I've read some great books and forgotten it all. Hopefully the spitting thing won't last, as I came down quite hard on her. She's never done it before today. Horrid.

I'm not trying to be flippant I truly have an awful memory. It frustrates me sometimes

Head hurts and I think I have a cold coming. Off to bed. Pink if things aren't just a blip I'll speak to the Sure Start centre about doing a course, I promise.