Update from OP ** Title edited by MNHQ** Why did I have his (unplanned) baby?? Knew I didn't love him

[circlehead]

I feel like I've really messed up. I realise how irresponsible this will sound (please bear in mind I was only 21 when this started):

I met DP 2 years ago and it was always apparent to me that this guy wasn't ''the one''. Our early relationhip was very lustful and exciting, mainly because we were living in different places so weekends would be spent in bed etc. He is an artist and as such can be moody/stubborn/opinionated. Somehow we ended up living together, because we both wanted to move to London. I did express at the time that I wasn't sure we were ready to move in together but this led to (our first) row. I realise now this was a red flag of his controlling nature and should have ended it then...but of course it was easier to agree with him than suffer his moods. A couple of months later, I was accidently pregnant (we were using contraception). As much as it was evident to me that I didn't want to be in this realtionship for the long haul and had in fact been thinking of ending it, I just couldn't bring myself to have a termination. I felt so fiercly protective of my baby, I couldn't even read about the process of an abortion, let alone go through with it. He was quite happy to have the baby from the start (minus a few wobbles) so we went ahead and I resolved to try and make the relationship work. (I should point out that he was happy with us, we obvs have v. different opinions on what a loving relationship is!!)

He was pretty useless throughout pregnancy, didn't read any books, spent the first few months saying he didn't want to be there at the birth (for a reaction and just to have the upper hand while i was vulnerable, my friend says - true?), every time we had a scan he would come but just go on about how he didn't like hospitals, I researched/bought ALL the baby stuff etc (with financial help from grandparents i must point out), the list goes on. I was trying to maintain a clean/tidy flat for us, but he's a messy pig and no matter how many times I explained it was getting difficult for me to do housework and he was going to have to make an effort to pick up after himself, it never changed.

And now we have a fantastic little boy (5 months) who I love to bits, and you guessed it, I do almost exclusively EVERYTHING for him. My DP enjoys playing with him but that is where it ends basically. I have been EB from the start, so I basically do all feeding, nappies, getting up, getting dressed, putting down for naps, bathtimes, washing, packing his stuff for when we go out/away... EVERYTHING morning, noon and night! my DP wouldn't even know where his vests are kept for example! I realise this is true is most relationships to some degree but ?!?! AND before you say leave him with baby for a day and let him see what it's like, DS won't take a bottle of EBM off him! (will everyone else though..)

On top of this my DP seems to expect me to keep on top of his laundry, the food shopping etc. He does cook a lot but that's as much as he does. The one thing that really irriates me is that aside from a few bits of self employed work (maybe a few days at a time every couple of months) he doesn't work. He is a fantastic musician and trying to launch his band, and has got ''investment'' - from his dad. So he basically lives off his dad's money. It has come up in rows so many times but he just says that I don't mind it when it's paying for my rent/occasional meal out etc.

He's just a spoilt brat and I feel like his mother most of the time (where's this/that/the other, why isn't my insert clothing here washed?) He seems to think because he is busy with his band (which I admit does involve many meetings/emails/lots of phonecalls etc) he is exempt from chores/babycare.

I'm actually starting to think he may be depressed (maybe post natal?) He has incredibly erratic sleep patterns, which he attributes to being creative, and sleeps in til nearly noon everyday/ goes to bed at 4am.

Anyway, the point is I told him a couple of
days ago that I don't love him but want to give things a last try (this almost feels like just going through the motions for his benefit when I know I want out.) He is really shocked and thought everything was just dandy (?? sure it is for him!!). He also said that he blamed DS, although I think he just said that for a reaction.

I just feel so ashamed of myself for getting this far with DP, knowing I should have broken it off before we even moved in together. I feel like I should have had a termination as now feel awful for dragging DS into it =( although as i said, I adore my boy to death. I realise that being a single parent isn't the end of the world but would have wanted a much better father for any children of mine and obvs for it to be someone i loved/respected. Although I have talked to my friends who support me, I am embarrassed to admit this stuff to my family.

So. What the hell do I do??! Actually I think i know the answer to that one, so rather - how the hell do i do it?

Thanks for reading my massive post...

Thread title has been edited by MNHQ as OP has posted an update...6 years on! And it's worth a read.

Your situations sounds really really stressful circlehead :(

I know it's easy for me to say it, but I don't think you have anything at all to be ashamed of. You seem to think that the breakdown in the relationship is some sort of failure on your part when in fact you have tried your very best to make a very very difficult and unrewarding relationship work. From what you say about your partner it sounds like he's immature and irresponsible and I'm not surprised that you've had enough. You're in no way required to stay with him and in fact it seems to me that you'll be far happier and better off without him. He seems to contribute little or nothing to your family and if you don't even have feelings for him it must be such a slog to carry on putting up with him.

You know you did the right thing by having your little boy rather than having a termination so put those thoughts out of your mind if you can. The fact that your DP is a useless father is his loss. It's bound to be a source of sadness for you, but again it's not your fault and doesn't count as a failure on your part in any way. Chances are that in the future you will meet a great man who will be a fantastic father to your DS, biology doesn't really come into it. The relationship was a mistake but with a great result- your wonderful DS whom you love dearly. It seems to me that now is the time to cut your losses and just get out of this pointless relationship as I don't think it's going to do you or your lovely son any good in the long run.

Cut your losses now

You tried your best but he never met you half way

You have a lovely little boy out of this relationship

Move along now and leave this man-child for someone else to look after and cater to his pathetic moods and terminal laziness

You are a responsible grown-up with a child to look after

he is not

You have out-grown him, love

I agree with AnyF.

You sound like you have analysed this fully, you realise he is not the one for you, so why waste any more of your youth and beauty on a bloke who doesn't appreciate you.

Don't make excuses for him - re him being depressed/post natal. You have just gone through a huge upheaval - you are coping, aren't you?

Don't flagellate yourself - shouldn't have had your baby etc. You have a lovely baby - that is not the problem. The problem is the bloke who is holding you back.

You have given it your best shot - he just sounds like a child. I too had a baby young and dd's father simply couldn't cope - he was too young, stupid and selfish. You can do it on your own.

what they said.

plus - you mention erratic sleeping and maybe depression. Is the manchild maybe doing drugs also to go along with his cool musician lifestyle?

Don't beat yourself up about having a child with him, even if you had been 100% convinced he was "the one", married etc the relationship could still have ended (lots do).

If you have supportive family just ask them for help. Say you have decided he is not the one for you.

You are in a a bit of a shit situation through no fault of your own. On the plus side, you sound really bright, a good mum, and switched on.

No point in regrets or 'should have's' is there?

What's done is done, now you need to start prioritising you and baby.

You mention your soon to be ex is controlling? Do you think he will cause trouble if you ask him to move out? That's the only real worry I can see here. If you are worried, have you a friend who can help you pack his things for him and ask him to please leave- politely but firmly?

Always remember, what he does is no reflection on you. You cannot change him. He is what he is and nothing you did or will do can change him.

Look at the positives and enjoy your little boy- you can be happy together :)

Thanks for all your supportive messages - lots of tears this end as I come to terms with what I've known for a long time is the truth! I should have pointed out in original post, DP is actually nearly 9 years older than me, so should be mature enough by now to realise he can't always have his cake and eat it!! I thought he might become less selfish once DS arrived, but seems he is still entirely focussed on making a success of his band, which is think is almost exclusively due to his age and the fact he knows that in the music biz, he is about to miss the boat.

msboogie - don't think so about the drugs, at least not seen any evidence, and as i said he is abhorrently messy and careless. although he does drink a lot and has hinted that he might be alcoholic (a family thing). i almost think the sleep thing is for attention...

Mobly - Yes he does employ controlling behaviour but I've gradually modified my behaviour so as not to cause a row - so gradually I've only just realised that I've done it. For example, I don't really buy magazines but felt like buying one a few days ago. Only when I went to pick up the one I wanted, I realised there was a celeb he dislikes on the cover, and DIDN'T BUY IT so as not to cause a fuss when i got in!! it's only now i'm realising all these small modifications I have made to keep him happy has actually diminished my confidence and character. Anyway, re leaving : yes i think he would cause a fuss, I don't think I would do it alone (i would have to go back to my dad's for the time being - manchild (lol) pays the rent here). I know he is selfish enough to be unreasonable regardless of DS and would make it difficult.

I agree with what everyone else has said.

Dont be embarassed to talk to your family, if anything, they are the ones who will give you unconditional love and support hopefully.

tell your partner you are going to stay with family for a few days, and while there, have a good talk with them, and a clear think about the future..

You are in rented accomodation so moving out shouldnt be too difficult if that is what you decide to do.

P.s - Of course I don't really regret my son, just wish he could have arrived in more suitable circumstances =(

Am actually going back this wkend thankfully so am definitely going to talk to my dad, tell him what's going on. I think he'll be disappointed but i know he'll support me, I know he's never liked DP, they are total opposites, my dad's a diamond! Although I do worry my poor old grandad will die of shame!!But have been putting a brave face on for my family for too long...

Your grandad certainly wont die of shame!.. and you may find your dad is relieved rather than disappointed.

Everyone makes errors of judgement, you certainly wont be the last.

Your partner wants to live a single life, and expects you to be his mother... that isnt want you need.

love, you have the power to make better circumstances for your son, instead of this hopeless situation you are both in

a father is not just a sperm donor, he should be enriching both your lives

remember, if you stick with this loser, the door is firmly closed to any decent men who could make you happy

you are denying yourself chances sharing your life with him

take the brave face off, it has done you no favours at all

tell your family the truth

You sound very capable and mature. You are clearly doing everything for your DS and since you're aware that the situation isn't one that is making you happy and isn't best for DS, I agree with the other posters to move on.

You are young, seemingly sensible and have many opportunities ahead.

Are you still in London? Where is your family based? Do you have good friends you can turn to?

Your grandpa won't die of shame - look at the lovely great grandson he has - he must be proud as hell of him!

There is no shame in your situation - the only shame would be if you didn't get out and make life better for you and your son now that you have realised the relationship is hopeless.

To be honest, when a bloke like yours is a manchild a manchild he will remain - I promise you that when he is 45 he will still be the same spoilt, demanding brat.

I thought my grandad would disown me when I found out I was pregnant - he's quite old-fashioned! but actually, he just wanted to know that DP would look after me and treat me right. So perhaps he will be ok. And yes, he thinks my bub is the best thing since sliced bread!

My family aren't far from London, and I know my dad would come and get me any time of the day or night if need be. I have a couple of good mates who are sort of talking me through it - one currently in Australia spending loads of money on the phone!

I feel like I'm past the point of no return, now I have entertained the thought of an alternative life. With or without a future DP, I know I am better off. I know it will do DS no good growing up with a miserable, suppressed mother!

Your life will be so much better with out this guy in it.
Go live with your dad - Living with a diamond rather than a manchild - no brainer.
You will have only one baby to mind and another grown up to help you. You are getting nothing for this situation except stress and misery caused exclusively by him. He is the only problem in your life - fix it.
You are in a great position as you don't even have the pull factor of still thinking yourself in love with this waste of space.
Good luck

Circlehead, you have nothing to be ashamed of but I know the feeling you're desribing. This is the hardest part, but one you have left and have the support of your family it will be like a huge weight has been lifted.

Please keep posting- the support on here is invaluable.

"He is a fantastic musician and trying to launch his band, and has got ''investment'' - from his dad."

Unfortunately this bloke has been ruined by indulgent parents by the sounds of it - Dad is possibly bankrolling him in order to live out his own lost fantasies?

Thankfully you have realised at this young age that it is not your role to mother this man and enable his belief that as a "creative" he is above the norms of getting on and looking after himself, let alone the mother of his child and his child.

OP, you could have been me in September 2009. I finally left XP in the December, and wow... I've had the most incredible year. I have just felt so free. One of the first things I did when I moved out was buy myself a pair of wellingtons with a jellybean pattern all over them, that I knew XP would have hated and said they were "stupid"! He too was older than me and I kept thinking he'd grow up when the baby was born, get more involved when he was bigger and more interesting, etc... never happened.

I can do so much now that I couldn't before - I can listen to the music I want to at the volume I want and sing along if I want to! I don't have to listen to his stupid TV programmes blaring out that he wasn't even watching. I can eat dinner with my DS at a time that suits us instead of having to wait until XP came home at god knows what time. I'm just happy, almost all of the time. I'd completely forgotten what that felt like, and yet I wasn't unhappy - I didn't cry or get angry or anything, I just existed.

Also - possibly irrelevant anyway, but I thought there was no way XP was doing drugs, he was so anti-them, he would never touch them, there were no signs, etc. (He also drank a lot.) Anyway after we split up I found out that everyone except me knew he was doing coke. The only symptom he had was random nosebleeds which at the time I didn't realise was unusual.

Anyway I just wanted to wish you good luck :) there is a wonderful life out there waiting for you and your little boy.

Oh and just to illustrate the point of how he STILL hasn't grown up, 3 months after we split he got together with a new girlfriend. They now have a 6 week old baby (this was planned, according to his mum)... you do the maths

Eurostar - Spot on, his dad wanted to be a guitarist but is now an IT manager or something and as such has the financial means to indulge DP.

Bertiebotts - the type of life you describe (ie normal!!) is what I am keeping in mind at the moment any time I wobble. I can't count the amount of times today I've caught myself thinking ''better not do (such and such a thing), bound to piss him off'' or ''I'll give him the bigger portion of dinner or I'll never hear the end of it''. You have given me inspiration.

We had a row this morning but will detail later as DP due home any sec...! sigh...

OP...carry on talking

why are you cutting off your conversation just because he is due home ?

Oh God, I just read that he was 32. He's not going to change - I don't often say this but it really will be better to cut your losses.

You sound really switched on and self-aware, you have a lovely son, you will be so much happier on your own.

Good luck.

dear lord he complains if he doesn't get the biggest share of dinner? is he 5? that is bad, there is no hope for him.None. I hope you chose to start your new life soon OP.

ok, how to summarise the last few days.

told him how awful his behaviour is and how detrimental it is to our relationship and to me as an individual. told him I saw no hope for us, that we are just incompatible (to say the least!) He was asking why I hadn't said anything up to this point and I told him I had, but he just doesn't listen or writes it off as ''nagging'' (eg if I ask for help with housework). Eventually he got the hump and said 'right well that's it then, let's just break up' stormed out then immediately came back in begging for another chance, saying I couldn't just break up with him out of nowhere, we've got a baby etc...

anyway, my dad was picking me up any minute so went back there and had a great, relaxing day being looked after by my dad, seeing my friends, and generally feeling more happy and confident and myself than I have in ages.

Spoke to DP the following morning and really laid it on the line, told him he'd had it far too easy for far too long etc, that it wasn't up to me to take responsibility for him etc.

went downstairs and really opened up to my dad who was fantastically understanding, although still v. polite about DP, just said he knew the first time he saw DP and his mum together that he had been spoilt. My dad just said give it a few weeks and if I'm still not happy, move back (He'll even move into my old (small) room and me and DS can have his big room!)

When I got home and spoke to DP, I told him I felt like I was just stringing him along giving him this ''chance'' when I feel like the damage is already done, and unforgivable. he told me he will help me out loads around the house, with baby etc, but I said he is about 6 months too late, and that was when it counted. He is so desperate though, I kind of feel sorry for him. He says because I was EB, he felt useless with DS for first few months, and then we just fell into me doing everything, him doing nothing. I told him that's no excuse for not taking care of me!! He has been doing lots of housework etc the last few days, but he already seems to think he is in the clear. I keep having to remind him that things are by no means ok. I've told him I would have been perfectly in my rights to have just dumped him in the first place.

I still feel like I know I would be happier without him and if I still feel like that in a few days, I think I will just have to tell him. Because the thing is, he could just keep asking for more chances couldn't he? Like every time he lets this domestic god act slip, like he is bound to soon enough and starts getting comfortable again, he will just beg for another chance and we'll go round and round in circles, and I don't want to waste my time on that.

He just seems so sad that he has messed up so bad and seems desparate to put things right... I almost feel like I am in a more awkward position than before... But as I say, if my feelings don't change, I am just going to have to be honest with him and say look I know in my heart of hearts that this is over for me.

I just find it incredible that it took me being on the point of exhaustion and leaving him, for him to be nice. And to have to consciously TRY to be nice as well!! Doesn't bode well does it ...