Update from OP ** Title edited by MNHQ** Why did I have his (unplanned) baby?? Knew I didn't love him

[circlehead]

I feel like I've really messed up. I realise how irresponsible this will sound (please bear in mind I was only 21 when this started):

I met DP 2 years ago and it was always apparent to me that this guy wasn't ''the one''. Our early relationhip was very lustful and exciting, mainly because we were living in different places so weekends would be spent in bed etc. He is an artist and as such can be moody/stubborn/opinionated. Somehow we ended up living together, because we both wanted to move to London. I did express at the time that I wasn't sure we were ready to move in together but this led to (our first) row. I realise now this was a red flag of his controlling nature and should have ended it then...but of course it was easier to agree with him than suffer his moods. A couple of months later, I was accidently pregnant (we were using contraception). As much as it was evident to me that I didn't want to be in this realtionship for the long haul and had in fact been thinking of ending it, I just couldn't bring myself to have a termination. I felt so fiercly protective of my baby, I couldn't even read about the process of an abortion, let alone go through with it. He was quite happy to have the baby from the start (minus a few wobbles) so we went ahead and I resolved to try and make the relationship work. (I should point out that he was happy with us, we obvs have v. different opinions on what a loving relationship is!!)

He was pretty useless throughout pregnancy, didn't read any books, spent the first few months saying he didn't want to be there at the birth (for a reaction and just to have the upper hand while i was vulnerable, my friend says - true?), every time we had a scan he would come but just go on about how he didn't like hospitals, I researched/bought ALL the baby stuff etc (with financial help from grandparents i must point out), the list goes on. I was trying to maintain a clean/tidy flat for us, but he's a messy pig and no matter how many times I explained it was getting difficult for me to do housework and he was going to have to make an effort to pick up after himself, it never changed.

And now we have a fantastic little boy (5 months) who I love to bits, and you guessed it, I do almost exclusively EVERYTHING for him. My DP enjoys playing with him but that is where it ends basically. I have been EB from the start, so I basically do all feeding, nappies, getting up, getting dressed, putting down for naps, bathtimes, washing, packing his stuff for when we go out/away... EVERYTHING morning, noon and night! my DP wouldn't even know where his vests are kept for example! I realise this is true is most relationships to some degree but ?!?! AND before you say leave him with baby for a day and let him see what it's like, DS won't take a bottle of EBM off him! (will everyone else though..)

On top of this my DP seems to expect me to keep on top of his laundry, the food shopping etc. He does cook a lot but that's as much as he does. The one thing that really irriates me is that aside from a few bits of self employed work (maybe a few days at a time every couple of months) he doesn't work. He is a fantastic musician and trying to launch his band, and has got ''investment'' - from his dad. So he basically lives off his dad's money. It has come up in rows so many times but he just says that I don't mind it when it's paying for my rent/occasional meal out etc.

He's just a spoilt brat and I feel like his mother most of the time (where's this/that/the other, why isn't my insert clothing here washed?) He seems to think because he is busy with his band (which I admit does involve many meetings/emails/lots of phonecalls etc) he is exempt from chores/babycare.

I'm actually starting to think he may be depressed (maybe post natal?) He has incredibly erratic sleep patterns, which he attributes to being creative, and sleeps in til nearly noon everyday/ goes to bed at 4am.

Anyway, the point is I told him a couple of
days ago that I don't love him but want to give things a last try (this almost feels like just going through the motions for his benefit when I know I want out.) He is really shocked and thought everything was just dandy (?? sure it is for him!!). He also said that he blamed DS, although I think he just said that for a reaction.

I just feel so ashamed of myself for getting this far with DP, knowing I should have broken it off before we even moved in together. I feel like I should have had a termination as now feel awful for dragging DS into it =( although as i said, I adore my boy to death. I realise that being a single parent isn't the end of the world but would have wanted a much better father for any children of mine and obvs for it to be someone i loved/respected. Although I have talked to my friends who support me, I am embarrassed to admit this stuff to my family.

So. What the hell do I do??! Actually I think i know the answer to that one, so rather - how the hell do i do it?

Thanks for reading my massive post...

Thread title has been edited by MNHQ as OP has posted an update...6 years on! And it's worth a read.

How are you circle?

Hi all,

Sorry I haven't been on, just been crippled by guilt the last couple of days. Although I feel relieved to be out of the relationship, poor XP has been absolutely destroyed by it. Against all MN advice, we met at his mum's so he could see DS, and he looked awful. He played with DS for a couple of mins then had to go upstairs to cry.

We talked and he asked why I hadn't just talked to him, why I told him over the phone. I explained I was scared out of it last time, thinking I was going to get another, escalated, violent reaction. He was so shocked I felt like that and I said that's half the problem, that I feel he is unapproachable.

We talked about arrangements for DS and we agreed it's important to both of us to spend time with DS together, as well as apart, so he doesn't grow up with two totally separate worlds. I think that's a really important lesson for DS, that just because we aren't in a relationship, doesn't mean we can't all spend time together. Feel much more comfortable around XP on a platonic level and am glad he is thinking of DS.

Feel sad and v. guilty about the way I went about it. I know XP was useless, selfish, immature etc, but I feel like I should have had the respect to talk to him face to face, even if it meant having someone else in the flat in case he went berserk.

He really is heartbroken and the guilt is killing me but I still know I did the right thing and once this bit has passed I will be happier.

Taking DS round tomorrow so he can spend more time and pick some of our things up.

Hmm... of course you don't want to deprive your child of its father nor a loving father of time with his child, and quite rightly. Nor do you want to be missing the babe when he's off with the other parent. Thus family time together sounds like a good compromise, not so much for the child, maybe more for the adults, or at least one of the adults. I can think of at least three reasons why it might not be in a child's interests that separated parents spend time together with him.

• He will find it confusing if he sees them together and never quite understand why they can't live together all the time

• There is a risk that the parents will spend valuable child-bonding time interacting with each other, say for example if one parent is quite keen they should get back together and the other one is always fending him off, or even just adult chatting/catching up

• Any disagreements between the parents will impact on the child because he will be there to witness it. Exes are exes for a reason and you have to have a really cast-iron friendly relationship to spend time in their company whilst maintaining good humour; and your ex has a record of throwing massive tantrums at you in front of the DC

It's plain to me (cynical cow that I am) that there is one major advantage to soon-to-be XH in "family time", and that is that you will end up, or should I say carry on, doing all the work. All the running around planning, getting everyone together, packing the bag, wiping runny noses (I mean the child's runny nose but now you come to mention it...) At what point does the father actually learn how to cope with his own son? Meanwhile, see my second point above. He will be hoping that if you spend time together he will be able to win you round. He will thus be focussed on you instead of on his precious baby. Even when he's playing beautifully with said baby, he will have an eye to the audience. No audience, no distraction.

Just something to consider...

ps Re the "you should have talked to me", hah! That was one of XH's lines. Anyone who knows me even a little bit will realise that there is no excuse for not knowing what is troubling me, because I talk. I could talk for Great Britain. If there were an Olympic sport of gut-spilling, the competition may as well not bother turning up. We went to an introductory family mediation session with a really nice lady, and on the way home (we were still living under the same roof, a situation I do not recommend) he said "That was really useful; I never realised you felt that way about things". Well, I replied tartly, if you'd listened to me any time during the last 25 years you would have realised how I felt. He said nothing, which in fact was the only thing he decently could say (apart from "sorry", but I didn't really expect that).

We didn't go to any more sessions, due to a disagreement about who should pay.

Ah, saf, responsibility, that is the key word here isn't it.

I have only read your OP.

You are too young to condemn yourself to a lifetime of this drudgery. Get out of the situation now.

And don't be afraid. What is he actually contributing to your life, or to your child's life? He doesn't contribute practically or financially. It doesn't sound like he gives you any emotional support. In fact, it sound slike he is an extremely immature person who has a lot of shit to sort out in order to be able to function as a responsible adult in the big, bad world.

Look, if he is serious about being a good father, he can build that relationship gradually over the next few years. You don't have to be together for that to happen. And if he cannot manage an independent relationship with his own child that isn't propped up by you - he is a fuckwit.

Well done for getting out

I had to do the same with a man-child

What he is doing is emotionally blackmailing you

Do not listen to him

What you had to do was necessary and the right thing to do and I'm afraid his view of it is very screwed by his guilt at having been such a crap partner and dad

My ex was remorseful so I took him back, within literally a week he was back to his selfish crap behaviour- he was a bar manager/wannabe dj so I had to deal with late nights and late mornings and the whole rock and roll bollacks

He will not change and you have to show him how to be a father

You will feel guilt because you are a good person but he is not, so don't forget all the chances he had to do the right thing by you and he didn't. Just remember that when hes whinging on that you are selfish, he is projecting because he knows he had been the selfish one

By the way now I have a wonderful p who wouldn't dream of treating me or my ds like my ex and we have a wonderful life together - I love him, respect him. You can have this too if you let go, my ex plays an important part in my ds's life but not in mine anymore and thats how I like it.

I wouldn't make any decisions or promises about contact at present.

Remember he is still in the 'desperate', try-to-make-it-up-to-you phase. A few weeks down the line his true behaviour will emerge.

FWIW, I am sorry to say that I suspect that if his band had suddenly been a huge hit he would have been over the horizon before you could blink. The kind of lifestyle temptations that come with fame would meet with absolutely no resistance from Russell Brand here.

Hi all,

This is Circlehead (so called because I was going round in circles in my head at that time!)

Just wanted to post an update after my first post over 6 years ago! I wonder if any of you will remember me.

I just wanted to say thank you. I am sitting in my lovely, cosy, calm flat. My amazing DS is staying with his grandparents tonight. My XP now lives abroad and sees DS in school holidays. If it wasn't for this thread, I would have found it so incredibly difficult to make the break and know that I was doing the right thing. I have reread this thread a number of times over the years to reabsorb the advice I was given at the time, and every time it has resonated more.

My DS is on the pathway to receive a diagnosis of ASD (or HFA). He is an amazingly bright, curious and eccentric boy He loves Lego, science and super Mario. He's just turned 7 and gone into Y3. As for me, I've just turned 30. I work as a TA in a special school. I've recently come out of a relationship but I am content for it to be me and DS for the time being. We have a lovely bond and laugh a lot.

Life is good, free of the complications of having a selfish, stubborn P! There are of course still complications that arise from having to co-parent, but I thank my lucky stars daily that my life is my own again.

So thank you again - wise, generous posters of MN, for helping a terrified and cornered 23 year old to escape a hopeless situation.

What a lovely update. Love reading when people come back to update. Thank you. Wish you and your son a very happy future

What a lovely update

I had never even heard of MN 6 years ago never mind read this post but I just wanted to say well done to the OP and bump this thread so others so can see that life exists after a bad relationship.

All the best to you and your son Faulty

Just read the whole thread. You and your DS sound so lovely, OP Well done on escaping that awful relationship, and on bringing up a happy content and secure wee boy x

God, that sounds terrible. For one stop acting like your DOs mother. Ffs he can't expect you to do his laundry for him when he doesn't even work. At the very least he could do some private lessons for whatever instrument he plays. Just make it clear the you are unstatisfied with his childish behaviour. Say that you expect him tickean up after himself like an adult at the very least. Say that if he doesn't make any improvements then you will leave and stick by your word. Your baby will not benefit from seeing such an unhealthy domestic set up.

ttbb RTFT!!

Thanks for the update OP! Glad to hear things panned out so well.

I've tried to figure out how to edit the title to show it's an update, but can't - do I have to contact MNHQ?

Thanks for your lovely messages. It's so strange thinking about that time and how different my life is now. I'm very glad that part of my life is behind me. I've never experienced stress like it.

I hope AF sees this update. Her advice really stood out to me at that time (as always!).

Fantastic update.
And a good message for anyone going through similar.
Well done

Welcome back Circlehead/FaultySpice,

We're so chuffed to hear how well things are going for you and your DS. Seems like other posters are thrilled to hear how life's turned out for you too.

We've edited the main thread title and will pop line at the bottom of your original post also.

Here's some especially for you

I'm glad things have worked out for you

Thanks MNHQ

Wow, thanks for the great update and happy ending. Well done to you. Lovely you got out and you're still young with your whole life ahead of you and your wonderful little boy.

Does an @AnyFucker notify her?

I was on MN in 2011 but didn't see this thread. Great hearing how well you've done and moved on. We have had similar experiences,

Ah, this is fab. I wish I'd had the sense to bin my ex when ds was small, instead of wasting years and years with him.

Thank you for the update