Update from OP ** Title edited by MNHQ** Why did I have his (unplanned) baby?? Knew I didn't love him

[circlehead]

I feel like I've really messed up. I realise how irresponsible this will sound (please bear in mind I was only 21 when this started):

I met DP 2 years ago and it was always apparent to me that this guy wasn't ''the one''. Our early relationhip was very lustful and exciting, mainly because we were living in different places so weekends would be spent in bed etc. He is an artist and as such can be moody/stubborn/opinionated. Somehow we ended up living together, because we both wanted to move to London. I did express at the time that I wasn't sure we were ready to move in together but this led to (our first) row. I realise now this was a red flag of his controlling nature and should have ended it then...but of course it was easier to agree with him than suffer his moods. A couple of months later, I was accidently pregnant (we were using contraception). As much as it was evident to me that I didn't want to be in this realtionship for the long haul and had in fact been thinking of ending it, I just couldn't bring myself to have a termination. I felt so fiercly protective of my baby, I couldn't even read about the process of an abortion, let alone go through with it. He was quite happy to have the baby from the start (minus a few wobbles) so we went ahead and I resolved to try and make the relationship work. (I should point out that he was happy with us, we obvs have v. different opinions on what a loving relationship is!!)

He was pretty useless throughout pregnancy, didn't read any books, spent the first few months saying he didn't want to be there at the birth (for a reaction and just to have the upper hand while i was vulnerable, my friend says - true?), every time we had a scan he would come but just go on about how he didn't like hospitals, I researched/bought ALL the baby stuff etc (with financial help from grandparents i must point out), the list goes on. I was trying to maintain a clean/tidy flat for us, but he's a messy pig and no matter how many times I explained it was getting difficult for me to do housework and he was going to have to make an effort to pick up after himself, it never changed.

And now we have a fantastic little boy (5 months) who I love to bits, and you guessed it, I do almost exclusively EVERYTHING for him. My DP enjoys playing with him but that is where it ends basically. I have been EB from the start, so I basically do all feeding, nappies, getting up, getting dressed, putting down for naps, bathtimes, washing, packing his stuff for when we go out/away... EVERYTHING morning, noon and night! my DP wouldn't even know where his vests are kept for example! I realise this is true is most relationships to some degree but ?!?! AND before you say leave him with baby for a day and let him see what it's like, DS won't take a bottle of EBM off him! (will everyone else though..)

On top of this my DP seems to expect me to keep on top of his laundry, the food shopping etc. He does cook a lot but that's as much as he does. The one thing that really irriates me is that aside from a few bits of self employed work (maybe a few days at a time every couple of months) he doesn't work. He is a fantastic musician and trying to launch his band, and has got ''investment'' - from his dad. So he basically lives off his dad's money. It has come up in rows so many times but he just says that I don't mind it when it's paying for my rent/occasional meal out etc.

He's just a spoilt brat and I feel like his mother most of the time (where's this/that/the other, why isn't my insert clothing here washed?) He seems to think because he is busy with his band (which I admit does involve many meetings/emails/lots of phonecalls etc) he is exempt from chores/babycare.

I'm actually starting to think he may be depressed (maybe post natal?) He has incredibly erratic sleep patterns, which he attributes to being creative, and sleeps in til nearly noon everyday/ goes to bed at 4am.

Anyway, the point is I told him a couple of
days ago that I don't love him but want to give things a last try (this almost feels like just going through the motions for his benefit when I know I want out.) He is really shocked and thought everything was just dandy (?? sure it is for him!!). He also said that he blamed DS, although I think he just said that for a reaction.

I just feel so ashamed of myself for getting this far with DP, knowing I should have broken it off before we even moved in together. I feel like I should have had a termination as now feel awful for dragging DS into it =( although as i said, I adore my boy to death. I realise that being a single parent isn't the end of the world but would have wanted a much better father for any children of mine and obvs for it to be someone i loved/respected. Although I have talked to my friends who support me, I am embarrassed to admit this stuff to my family.

So. What the hell do I do??! Actually I think i know the answer to that one, so rather - how the hell do i do it?

Thanks for reading my massive post...

Thread title has been edited by MNHQ as OP has posted an update...6 years on! And it's worth a read.

Good yes do that.
Take essentials (don't forget passport, DS birth cert etc)
When you ring him have a few phrases and don't deviate from them. EG Its is too late. I don't love you anymore. I have made up my mind. We will sort out arrangements re DS when you are less upset etc..
just repeat these. Don't get into a long dialogue there is nothing to be gianed from it except upsetting you both. Make sure your Dad is with you when you call in case he does start making threats so he can take phone off you.
Warn your Dad. He may come out to your Dads so be prepared for that. Do not engage with him about arrangements for DS until he is rational and calm and accepts that the relationship is over.

thanks for all advice.

I am terrified of the fall out but I know I have to go through with it.

I have just spoken to my dad and explained everything. he is picking me up on friday as if I were just visiting. I have prepared him for DP possibly coming round, my dad said ''don't worry about it, I've been in many a pub fight or we'll just call the old bill'' told you he's a diamond :)

When I speak to him, I don't intend to enter into negotiations, I will just tell him I've made up my mind and he will have to come to terms with that, and turn my phone off once conversation is over.

Re DS the only way he would see him until I'm certain he has accepted we're over is at his mum's house.

please give me courage, I'm so nervous and stressed, trying to behave normally to DP is so difficult.

oh i forgot to mention, DP is blaming his behaviour as outlined in the first post on depression, and is now making out like HE is the victim, that I didn't listen when he tried to tell me etc...

Love, have a squeeze < >

You are doing the right thing

Your dad sounds great...no chance you could bring it forward ?

Just keep out of DP's way and fgs, delete your internet history, make sure you clear texts/emails etc

Could you arrange to go out for few hours the next couple of evenings so you spend as little time together as possible ?

don't engage

just let him think you have dropped the disagreement

I do already clear my history/delete texts etc..! He is getting increasingly possessive about my phone activities ie ''who are you texting?, why are you reading that text in private?'' (i was just reading a message, he just couldn't see the screen).

I just didn't want my dad to get me before fri or it will look suspicious. I don't want anything kicking off til me and DS are entirely out of the way.

I've only got to get through tomorrow basically, dad getting me fri a.m.

ok, good girl x

stay strong, you can do it

you are cleverer than him...don't forget that

he is too stupid to realise he has driven you away, but do not give him any clues

stay out of his way, don't engage in any more "discussions"

Just try and keep out of his way.

Talk and play with DS. Take him to the park, out and about. Stick your head in a book/ newspaper when DS asleep, go to bed early.

Keep us posted please.

Good luck x

Pack and get on a bus/train/whatever.

No more relationship discussions.

I think there are drugs involved FWIW, but that's irrelevant. No matter what, there's a Mother in the background who thinks women should throw themselves under the bus where her Boy is concerned. A relationship with such a Boy will not end well. He will always be a boy, she will always be Mummy, the only woman in his life. I have been there. Twas ugly.

Oh great, the suspicious thing now. No doubt he'll tell everyone you left him for another man. After all, what other reason could you have for abandoning such a fabulous creature as His Nibs?

Never mind, any day now his band will be Discovered and he'll be rich and you'll be sorry. (Dream on, manchild.)

wow, you are being very brave! Well done.

Once you've gone, don't look back. It will be difficult at first, please take each day at a time and concentrate on you and ds

oh my god. I'm seething.

just checked my emails and one from DP's mum saying she is really concerned for me at the moment, as a new mum under alot of stress, the day to day things can become hard to cope with, especially when I feel ''alone'' in it all. She says I must look after myself and get support - from GP if necessary - and has kindly attached a link to a document about post natal depression. Although she is ''not suggesting that it's the cause, just something to think about.''

what a manipulative fucking bitch.

It probably took her ten years and a gigantic wedge of her DH's cash to get her enormous baby out of the house in the first place. She is looking at the prospect of him and his drumkit returning for the next five. She will be sending you links to 'new mothers are often abducted by aliens if they live alone' links soon.

make sure you take anything thats important to you, sounds like anything you leave behind might be smashed up or thrown on a bonfire.

And don't engage with his mother at all!

lol at wildfig.

Too late for not engaging with mother, already sent a reply simply saying I catergorically do not have PND, that my DS has made me more fulfilled than ever, and my only problem is my relationship with her DS.

Circlehead -- I had a MIL from hell like yours. She helpfully sent exH information on OCD in order to help explain why I might have wanted no more to do with her son.

You have no use trying to penetrate the fog here. It's a willful attempt to preserve their own little wacky world view in spite of all the clear evidence that they are wrong, and they will persist in it no matter what you say or do. Their survival as a couple depends on having their pat little story about you. Wash your hands of them both.

It's very hard to leave and not get the final word here, but the only thing that will prove them wrong is living a full and fabulous life with your sweet baby, and forgetting about them.

Ok, really stop arguing with either of them and play nice until you are out. Lie and smile if you must, and please update this thread once you are safely at your dad's so we all know you and DS are safe.

The extreme and manipulative threatening to kill himself is scary, not if he goes ahead and does that but if he decides that there is a better way to punish you. Is there anyway you can leave earlier, I wouldn't want to be sleeping next to him TBH.

You can do it, one more day! You'll laugh at his mother one day. My ex told me that all his work colleagues had diagnosed me with PND based on his description. I had nothing of the kind, and lord knows what he was telling them.

24 hours to freedom! You can do it (and if you think your P might access this thread, you can get it deleted.

I too had a major giggling fit at Wildfig's post!

Fortunately you're not accountable to his mother, so it really doesn't matter whether she sees your point of view or not. You're on your way out to a loony-free life.

Of course she's now apologised and said she didn't mean it to come across like that (?).

Any way, I am packing while DP is out (nothing that will stand out). I've got DS's birth certificate, his red book, my passport, a couple of bits of sentimental jewellery. I really don't have anything of value, most of my stuff here is just clothes, dvd's etc, which I am not fussed about. All I am worried about is getting me and DS out. Everything else is replacable if he does make a bonfire of my belongings!

Any thing else you can suggest?

financial stuff

accounts/baby bonds you have forgotten about

employment paperwork of yours eg. CV's, references

laptop? favourite toys? copies of baby photos emailed/on a disk?

'didn't mean it to come across ' ?
Weasel words there. You misinterpret things as well as having PND? So you're a loon of some kind with a chip on your shoulder, and you can't read English?

Take any prescriptions and medicines you use, same for the baby. And your underwear. Don't leave your laptop if you have one. And get rid of your history off the computer if that's what you use.

Yeah, she didn't mean it so much that she attached a link...

As for laptop, I was going to pack it tonight but thought it would be noticeably missing... will pack it in the morning, before he gets up.