I feel like I've really messed up. I realise how irresponsible this will sound (please bear in mind I was only 21 when this started):
I met DP 2 years ago and it was always apparent to me that this guy wasn't ''the one''. Our early relationhip was very lustful and exciting, mainly because we were living in different places so weekends would be spent in bed etc. He is an artist and as such can be moody/stubborn/opinionated. Somehow we ended up living together, because we both wanted to move to London. I did express at the time that I wasn't sure we were ready to move in together but this led to (our first) row. I realise now this was a red flag of his controlling nature and should have ended it then...but of course it was easier to agree with him than suffer his moods. A couple of months later, I was accidently pregnant (we were using contraception). As much as it was evident to me that I didn't want to be in this realtionship for the long haul and had in fact been thinking of ending it, I just couldn't bring myself to have a termination. I felt so fiercly protective of my baby, I couldn't even read about the process of an abortion, let alone go through with it. He was quite happy to have the baby from the start (minus a few wobbles) so we went ahead and I resolved to try and make the relationship work. (I should point out that he was happy with us, we obvs have v. different opinions on what a loving relationship is!!)
He was pretty useless throughout pregnancy, didn't read any books, spent the first few months saying he didn't want to be there at the birth (for a reaction and just to have the upper hand while i was vulnerable, my friend says - true?), every time we had a scan he would come but just go on about how he didn't like hospitals, I researched/bought ALL the baby stuff etc (with financial help from grandparents i must point out), the list goes on. I was trying to maintain a clean/tidy flat for us, but he's a messy pig and no matter how many times I explained it was getting difficult for me to do housework and he was going to have to make an effort to pick up after himself, it never changed.
And now we have a fantastic little boy (5 months) who I love to bits, and you guessed it, I do almost exclusively EVERYTHING for him. My DP enjoys playing with him but that is where it ends basically. I have been EB from the start, so I basically do all feeding, nappies, getting up, getting dressed, putting down for naps, bathtimes, washing, packing his stuff for when we go out/away... EVERYTHING morning, noon and night! my DP wouldn't even know where his vests are kept for example! I realise this is true is most relationships to some degree but ?!?! AND before you say leave him with baby for a day and let him see what it's like, DS won't take a bottle of EBM off him! (will everyone else though..)
On top of this my DP seems to expect me to keep on top of his laundry, the food shopping etc. He does cook a lot but that's as much as he does. The one thing that really irriates me is that aside from a few bits of self employed work (maybe a few days at a time every couple of months) he doesn't work. He is a fantastic musician and trying to launch his band, and has got ''investment'' - from his dad. So he basically lives off his dad's money. It has come up in rows so many times but he just says that I don't mind it when it's paying for my rent/occasional meal out etc.
He's just a spoilt brat and I feel like his mother most of the time (where's this/that/the other, why isn't my insert clothing here washed?) He seems to think because he is busy with his band (which I admit does involve many meetings/emails/lots of phonecalls etc) he is exempt from chores/babycare.
I'm actually starting to think he may be depressed (maybe post natal?) He has incredibly erratic sleep patterns, which he attributes to being creative, and sleeps in til nearly noon everyday/ goes to bed at 4am.
Anyway, the point is I told him a couple of
days ago that I don't love him but want to give things a last try (this almost feels like just going through the motions for his benefit when I know I want out.) He is really shocked and thought everything was just dandy (?? sure it is for him!!). He also said that he blamed DS, although I think he just said that for a reaction.
I just feel so ashamed of myself for getting this far with DP, knowing I should have broken it off before we even moved in together. I feel like I should have had a termination as now feel awful for dragging DS into it =( although as i said, I adore my boy to death. I realise that being a single parent isn't the end of the world but would have wanted a much better father for any children of mine and obvs for it to be someone i loved/respected. Although I have talked to my friends who support me, I am embarrassed to admit this stuff to my family.
So. What the hell do I do??! Actually I think i know the answer to that one, so rather - how the hell do i do it?
Thanks for reading my massive post...
Thread title has been edited by MNHQ as OP has posted an update...6 years on! And it's worth a read.