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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Update from OP ** Title edited by MNHQ** Why did I have his (unplanned) baby?? Knew I didn't love him

183 replies

circlehead · 27/01/2011 15:25

I feel like I've really messed up. I realise how irresponsible this will sound (please bear in mind I was only 21 when this started):

I met DP 2 years ago and it was always apparent to me that this guy wasn't ''the one''. Our early relationhip was very lustful and exciting, mainly because we were living in different places so weekends would be spent in bed etc. He is an artist and as such can be moody/stubborn/opinionated. Somehow we ended up living together, because we both wanted to move to London. I did express at the time that I wasn't sure we were ready to move in together but this led to (our first) row. I realise now this was a red flag of his controlling nature and should have ended it then...but of course it was easier to agree with him than suffer his moods. A couple of months later, I was accidently pregnant (we were using contraception). As much as it was evident to me that I didn't want to be in this realtionship for the long haul and had in fact been thinking of ending it, I just couldn't bring myself to have a termination. I felt so fiercly protective of my baby, I couldn't even read about the process of an abortion, let alone go through with it. He was quite happy to have the baby from the start (minus a few wobbles) so we went ahead and I resolved to try and make the relationship work. (I should point out that he was happy with us, we obvs have v. different opinions on what a loving relationship is!!)

He was pretty useless throughout pregnancy, didn't read any books, spent the first few months saying he didn't want to be there at the birth (for a reaction and just to have the upper hand while i was vulnerable, my friend says - true?), every time we had a scan he would come but just go on about how he didn't like hospitals, I researched/bought ALL the baby stuff etc (with financial help from grandparents i must point out), the list goes on. I was trying to maintain a clean/tidy flat for us, but he's a messy pig and no matter how many times I explained it was getting difficult for me to do housework and he was going to have to make an effort to pick up after himself, it never changed.

And now we have a fantastic little boy (5 months) who I love to bits, and you guessed it, I do almost exclusively EVERYTHING for him. My DP enjoys playing with him but that is where it ends basically. I have been EB from the start, so I basically do all feeding, nappies, getting up, getting dressed, putting down for naps, bathtimes, washing, packing his stuff for when we go out/away... EVERYTHING morning, noon and night! my DP wouldn't even know where his vests are kept for example! I realise this is true is most relationships to some degree but ?!?! AND before you say leave him with baby for a day and let him see what it's like, DS won't take a bottle of EBM off him! (will everyone else though..)

On top of this my DP seems to expect me to keep on top of his laundry, the food shopping etc. He does cook a lot but that's as much as he does. The one thing that really irriates me is that aside from a few bits of self employed work (maybe a few days at a time every couple of months) he doesn't work. He is a fantastic musician and trying to launch his band, and has got ''investment'' - from his dad. So he basically lives off his dad's money. It has come up in rows so many times but he just says that I don't mind it when it's paying for my rent/occasional meal out etc.

He's just a spoilt brat and I feel like his mother most of the time (where's this/that/the other, why isn't my insert clothing here washed?) He seems to think because he is busy with his band (which I admit does involve many meetings/emails/lots of phonecalls etc) he is exempt from chores/babycare.

I'm actually starting to think he may be depressed (maybe post natal?) He has incredibly erratic sleep patterns, which he attributes to being creative, and sleeps in til nearly noon everyday/ goes to bed at 4am.

Anyway, the point is I told him a couple of
days ago that I don't love him but want to give things a last try (this almost feels like just going through the motions for his benefit when I know I want out.) He is really shocked and thought everything was just dandy (?? sure it is for him!!). He also said that he blamed DS, although I think he just said that for a reaction.

I just feel so ashamed of myself for getting this far with DP, knowing I should have broken it off before we even moved in together. I feel like I should have had a termination as now feel awful for dragging DS into it =( although as i said, I adore my boy to death. I realise that being a single parent isn't the end of the world but would have wanted a much better father for any children of mine and obvs for it to be someone i loved/respected. Although I have talked to my friends who support me, I am embarrassed to admit this stuff to my family.

So. What the hell do I do??! Actually I think i know the answer to that one, so rather - how the hell do i do it?

Thanks for reading my massive post...

Thread title has been edited by MNHQ as OP has posted an update...6 years on! And it's worth a read.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 15:50

no

don't be silly

what are you thinking ?

when he gets you back at the flat, you are in trouble

please don't wobble and go along with such a mad plan

he can have access to ds (if he behaves) but you are no longer living with him

you are out of his control now

keep it that way, ffs

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 15:52

now stop and disengage

no more conversations about your (ended) relationship

tell him you will speak to him next week re. seeing ds

if he behaves

BalloonSlayer · 12/02/2011 15:53

Why is it selfish of you to move out and not selfish of him to expect you to do everything for him [in his view]

Flisspaps · 12/02/2011 16:03

He is in no way, shape or form right. You are doing what is best for your son by taking him away from a situation where his Mum is unhappy and his Dad has his head buried upp his own arse in the sand.

Adjustment period? Confused Don't bother calling him tomorrow. Go somewhere nice with your Dad and DS.

swallowedAfly · 12/02/2011 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LadyintheRadiator · 12/02/2011 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superv1xen · 12/02/2011 18:30

echoing all the others - do not go back for an "adjustment period" - it is lunacy on his part to even be suggesting this Confused

swallowedAfly · 12/02/2011 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
circlehead · 12/02/2011 18:54

Don't worry people, I'm not going to do it. I already told him it's insane, and there's no point in making a painful process long and drawn out, it will only make it more difficult and rub salt in the wound for him. Also said how horrifically awkward it would be for us and what a shitty atmosphere it would be for DS.

as sAf said, it is reality (something he is not familiar with), but somehow he is saying I'm the one not living in the real world thinking I can just take DS away from him. But that is what happens right??! The relationship is over, so one of us moves out ASAP, which is this case has already happened.

I cannot even imagine how disastrous it would be.

OP posts:
superv1xen · 12/02/2011 18:59

circle i had all this shit from my ex, saying i couldnt take his son off him, that he would fight for him and all that shit Hmm

yes you CAN take ds, you're not "taking him away from him" he will still be able to see him fgs, he is just being dramatic. and by the sound of it you are by far the better parent, in fact it doesnt sound like he does any parenting at all.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2011 19:06

'I know I have to say no, but isn't he right in some ways? that it is incredibly selfish of me just to move out?

what the hell do I do nowwwwwww??'

NONONONONO. He is wrong in every way. Suggesting it is lunacy and you are selfish is manipulation and pressure, nothing else. He isn't doing it because he loves his son or because he has any feelings for you. He is doing it because he is a sore loser and he can't bear to lose face like this. Tell him you are confident he can deal with this situation and end the conversation.

No adjustment period. He can adjust by himself all alone. He survived fine at the pub all the previous night and he can survive the coming nights too.

Please tell him there will be no more phone conversations, just communication by e-mail, and keep yours VERY short and to the point.

And he is not your responsibility. He can call his mummy if he wants support. Do not call or have anyone check up on him. He survived without you before you met him and he managed to live his own life while you were together. Clearly he is a resourceful person. You have now separated and he is not your problem any more.

That stuff about 'his' son means he sees the baby as some sort of property of his, some toy he thinks you have removed from his turf unfairly. Watch out for that attitude, and if he starts playing the father's rights card, you can start making noises about financial support and plenty of it.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 19:14

well, unless you split ds in half down the middle, then yes, that is how it is

glad you haven't succumbed, CH, I got a bit worred here he was finding a chink in your armour

swallowedAfly · 12/02/2011 19:30

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mathanxiety · 12/02/2011 20:29

Tremendous observation there SwallowedAfly. I would say try to identify any word he uses that sets you on edge or weakens your resolve and check for manipulation -- and also for projection (because often someone will be accused of behaviour that is in fact what the accuser is doing or has done).

Original poster
circlehead · 12/02/2011 20:34

Yes he is a sore loser. He is just used to having what he wants, when he wants it, all the time, and how dare any one deny him that.

The selfish thing - it just astounds me that he is so hypocritical as to call me selfish, when he is the very personification of the word!! It's the same with his mum saying I might have PND - I feel the exact opposite of the definition, and could not let it go. I guess I need to learn that people can think what ever they want and not to let it bother me. I'm sure I will learn that in the coming weeks when XP!! tells everyone what an abhorrent bitch I am and how disgustingly I've treated him etc.

Oh well. Grin. I am finally starting to feel better.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 12/02/2011 20:43

You may well never have the satisfaction of having got the last word with this pair, but that's just something you'll have to live with. You get to exchange the frustration of that for a better life and in time it won't get to you at all.

And no matter what they say, other people are not stupid.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 20:57

oh, yes, if you have sussed the self-delusion they are displaying, rest assured lots of other people will have too

imright · 12/02/2011 21:10

The first few words of your sentence said it to me and it was always apparent to me that this guy wasn't the one. if this was the case you should have been very, very, careful when having sex, and if the condom broke etc; should have taken the morning after pill.

WHY on earth did you have a baby with a man? A man that you felt this way about from the beginning? It's no wonder this relationship has turned out the way it has.

All I can say is you have to make the best of a very bad job.

kingbeat23 · 12/02/2011 21:26

Circle - I am so proud of you for doing this and wanted to add my support of you o this thread.

I split with ex in sept and it has been an emotional, distressing time for me. i know how the guilt can creep up on you, but you know that what you are doing is right.

For me, the time came too late and ended up putting up with some extreme shit that i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

You are a free, strong woman who is in control of her own life and is showing her child that you don't have to accept bullshit in thier lives just "for the sake of the children".

I wish you happiness, strength and the courage that you have now reaised you have in your life....x

Original poster
circlehead · 12/02/2011 21:26

That is exactly what I intend to do (in fact, what I have trying to do all along.) Or course it's no wonder the relationship turned out like this, but my decision to keep my baby was based on more than whether the relationship would survive.

I realise I have been naive and irresponsible, but as a previous poster said, there is no point in regrets. I can't change my past but I can change my future.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 21:28

Good response to imright OP

Original poster
circlehead · 12/02/2011 22:06

Thanks for all your support everybody, really don't know if I could have done it without all your advice.

Not quite breathing the fresh air yet, but I can smell it!

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 13/02/2011 07:47

Morning circle. Hope you got a good sleep. What have got planned for today? Hope you go out and have a lovely day with your DS and dad.

BlueFergie · 13/02/2011 11:19

Hi Circle. Just caught up on all this. Well done on making the call. Ignore his ridiculous suggestion about moving back for an adjustment period. It makes no sense at all and is just a tactic on his part.
Just deal with him on a needs must basis now, in relation to DS and access.
Good luck and keep us posted. x

NicknameTaken · 14/02/2011 12:05

Well done, circle! And swallowed is spot on about triggers, just as math is about projection. The only way out is through. You're doing so well.