I am so afraid that my marriage is over, I don't know what is the best thing to do anymore

[Theantsgomarching]

I am so upset and confused so forgive me if this is all over the place..

Dh and I going to relate at the moment but I am not sure we can stay together long enough to give it a chance to work. Our house flooded over xmas so have all the stress of that too, and two dc under 3.

I feel like I am losing the will to live.

wormshuffler would you please stop. The issue is not being a sahm. Thank you.

I really feel for you Ants. Making the decision to leave or not is the worst time ever.

I really don't think you need to worry too much about the 'has he' or 'hasn't he' been abusive argument, althoguh I understand the need to want a solid or concrete reason to leave. The point is NOONE should stay in a marriage or realtionship that isn't healthy long term. The question is whether you are happy and whether you can see yourself being happy in this relationship long term. Children need a happy Mummy, not one that is depressed, bitter and resentful of whether she should have left years ago or not. Think about if this is how you would feel in the future.
I asked myself this question, I knew that I would end up bitter and was very unhappy. I tried VERY hard to make my marriage work, to the cost of my mental health. I was not therefore being a good Mum. My H was NOT abusive, a lying cheating git yes, abusive no.
Once I answered to myself the decision was easy, we are now separated.

Sorry ants, I was just drawing on my own experiences to try to advise. I truely hope you find happiness in whatever that may be. xx

My mum has been great windows she is very upset to see me in this state. Thanks to everyone for being so nice and helpful. I am feeling rather less desperate

Thanks worms and thanks for posting

I agree with Chandon, very sensible. Nothing has to be decided right now, right now you need some rest and some down time. Hopefully you can lean on your mil for some more time out over the next week or so.

If you are going to leave, you need to be clear in your mind, I understand that.

The fact he is supportive of you returning to study is good. Time out from each other would be sensible though, can you imagine having that convo op?

I don't understand, how, as a trained counsellor myself Relate can say this is not an abusive relationship.
Is it possible they have said that they this it is a co dependent one i.e you each get something- whether nice or nasty from the other- that means there is 'soemthing in it for each of you' to stay as a couple.
And you have interpreted this as not abusive?

If they really have said this then I urge you to ask for your counsellors supervisors details and report it as there is no way at all this is not an abusive relationship. And you are not being correctly counselled.

Or is it that you won't believe it is abusive until you have it signed in triplicate from a professional? In which case, my love, read your own words and know your own instincts. You know it is abusive as you are feeling abused. It is as simple as that. Many, many people feel this- you are not alone and it is a broken bit of your 'wiring' that exists for any nuber of reasons which means you are not listening to and acting on your own instintcs.
As yourself if one of your DC was in a relationship with a person like this and confided in you- would YOU think it was okay and it was 'ove' - or would YOU think it was abuse?

I suggested a trial separation today.. He asked if I wanted him to move out and I said he could use the spare room of rental house as we are hardly ever there at the same time anyway.

I am at that stage where I dint know if any amount of counselling could help. Fact of the matter is he has let me down repeatedly and in more ways than one. I asked him to get help years ago and he didn't. I think I will be happier without him. I am, however, terrified.

Ants - I think you are seriously depressed. Not surprising with dealing with your house being flooded (everyone is underplaying that a bit, it's a horrible thing to happen and can cause extreme emotional reactions in the most rational and stable people) and dealing with your DH.

I think your first step should be to your GP to discuss your options, have you spoken to him/her? I think the second step is to get some counselling, either through your GP or BACP. This should be for you, not for your marriage.

I don't think you are in any state to make decisions now, so don't force yourself or tell yourself you have to. Treat yourself with a bit of love and tenderness, you deserve that.

I understand that you love your DH and think that he should be able to change. However, it is extremely unlikely that he will. The sadness you are feeling now is recognition of that. The sadness will pass - tell yourself that. This grief, misery will all pass. Honestly. And when it does, you will have a clearer view of what you need or want to do.

You have not caused this situation. Be kind to yourself. You have options, you just can't see them now because you are so depressed, but you are young and clever and have two wonderful children. You have the rest of your life and it can be better than this.

Keep posting.

Don't think of things too far in the future, just think of next few days. It's great he is willing to move out. The time alone will show you that there is really nothing to be terrified about. The thought is always worse than the reality.

She said in plain English that it wasn't abusive, and that if it was she wouldn't see us together. When I mentioned the sex stuff she just kind of brushed past it. She kept asking if I felt he was a good man.

Ants - not all counsellors are good counsellors - same as doctors, lawyers, midwives. Do you trust her? Do you think she understands you and has genuine insight? Or do you think she's following a script.

I am even more staggered. This person does not sound like a Relate counsellor and if they are they are dangerous.
You need some time and space to find your own instincts and do wjat suits you and is best for your children. I'd argue this type of quack counselling is worse than not going at all. How can she 'just brush past' the sex stuff? You have lost your assertiveness in all this and need to recognise your own power. I am so sorry this is so hard for you at the mo. I have been there done that and I have to say am now in a wonderful relationship, very happy but was also very happy on my own and away from the person who played mind games with me.

Thanks belle I just cant see the wood for the trees any more. Thats why I just had to get away today.. What do I do tomorrow though...what do I do while I wait for the sorrow to pass and figure it all out..life doesn't just stop even though I really wish it would.

I have a wonderful gp, but how can he help?

kitsichick I think she sees me as a really strong assertive woman whose dh has made a few mistakes because of his childhood and issues with his mum etc. Maybe I was so afraid of being a weak sad woman that I acted too confident..

How do you know your GP can't help unless you go and have a chat with her/him.
You never know what possible ideas they may have to suggest for depression type feelings

(Hi by the way. I'm new to this thread. just read it all and feel very much for your saddness.)

Hi mgc, I don't think I am depressed for clinical medical reasons, rather down because of my situation, so wouldn't have thought to see a gp about it

Antidepressants might be one option - but counselling another, or the two combined - but you need to speak to a GP, he can give you advice. That's his job. You won't be the first woman who has come to him in your state, and if he is a good GP he will listen and be able to help.

I used to be very against anti-depressants, but I've become a lot less strident in my old age. They won't 'cure' your problems, but in my opinion, as a short-term option it can be what you need until you calm down enough to make the decisions that need to be made.

What you do now, is plan a day at a time. Book an appointment to see your GP, don't overload yourself.

Give yourself one task only each day, until you think you can cope with more. Call your Mum or a trusted friend in Ireland and see if someone can come for the weekend or week. Be upfront and tell them you really need help.

Start by looking after yourself - going to a hotel and posting on here is a good start. Keep it up. Each day at a time. You'll get there.

You underplayed how bad he was to the counsellor

And overplayed how assertive you are

I have to believe that...or I am petrified at the thought of counsellors out there who base their assessment of whether a relationship is a bad one by asking "is he a good man ?"

Can I please get you to think very carefully about the joint sessions you have coming up ? he is going to destroy any remaining strength you have within them.

Ants I appreciate what you say but, respectfully, you are not a GP (are you??) and so don't really know what support they can offer you until you have asked.

Belle's got some good advice. Looking after yourself first is a really good plan

AF, I may have over played how confident I am, not trying to act, but desperately trying to strengthen the strength I have if this makes sense? I haven't underplayed how bad he was. Apart from not mentioning the things I have already said I said it all. Clearly. I said that I didn't feel abused generally but that there were times sexually when I felt he took advantage, and she just brushed past it. She says he has sex issues cause his mum left when he was pre pubescent.

This was when I told her that he has repeatedly cheated on past girlfriends, slept with a prostitue when in a relationship on a lads trip etc

migratingcoconuts I think you misunderstand me.. I do not doubt that they may be able to help, and welcome the thought of that, was just saying the idea had never entered my head before you mentioned it so thank you. I love my gp. Have often said I would be a better person if I could talk to him for an hour a week, he is wonderfully understanding and really listens

You told her all this. This is what you have lived with, and will continue to do.

She didn't get it

Why don't you get it ?

Why don't you get that you will never have a relationship with him that makes you feel safe, and secure.

For all those reasons you explained on this thread, and the one before.

None of those reasons have gone away.

Did you see where I said it would be a very bad idea to attend joint counselling with him ? Are you still going to do it ?