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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so afraid that my marriage is over, I don't know what is the best thing to do anymore

161 replies

Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 09:13

I am so upset and confused so forgive me if this is all over the place..

Dh and I going to relate at the moment but I am not sure we can stay together long enough to give it a chance to work. Our house flooded over xmas so have all the stress of that too, and two dc under 3.

I feel like I am losing the will to live.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:11

Oh bless you. None of this is your fault. Can you call a pal to come keep you company tonight at the hotel?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:11

ants, the poster who tells you it is ok to stay with an abuser (and in fact if you don't, your life will be worse ), is here

wormshuffler

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:11

You haven't made this life. Your H has made this life. Now you have to choose between living the life that he's made, or breaking away & making your own. You can be happy. It doesn't feel like it now & it will be hard & you will cry & grieve & feel bereft for a while. But you can be happy. I promise.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:12

Did the arguments start lastnight after your dh had his relate session? Do you feel like talking about that?

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:13

Not really perfumed. I moved here to be with dh. I have made friends but none I would want at this time. My real friends are at home. As are all my family.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:13

Tell the reception you want a heater in the room, take a hot shower and try to get some company for tonight, a friend to talk to.

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:15

Perhaps go to the cinema tonight to see something distracting? You'll be warm & comfortable, & it'll keep your mind off it. & if you cry, nobody will see anyway.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:16

Well talk to us, we will try to be gentle x

windowsonthemind · 26/01/2011 17:18

You really don't deserve this at all and certainly don't deserve to be alone in a hotel while your DH is at home.

How far away is your home? Your family home where your friends are? Tomorrow can you take your children there for a few days to chat to people about yuor situation and get some support?

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:20

Sod off AF I never said that , I said I thought she should keep trying to make it work. The sexual thing has stopped since she brought it up with him. I said try to make it work, and think carefully about how it would be to be on her own. Personally I feel the fact that the OP discribed him as a good father is important here.
A marriage is something that always needs to be worked at, and the commitment to have children in even bigger.
If after another 2 years of this it remains the same then yes I would leave.

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:21

It's the same argument over and over. He thinks because I am well provided for and that we get on most of the time, and because he is sorry and never meant to hurt me that I should be able to put the past behind me.

The latest big upset was at Xmas. I have become estranged from my dad for many reasons, and he has never been a real dad to me. H encouraged me to contact him because we were going to my home for Xmas. I didn't really want to but sent him a text against my better judgement asking if he would like to see his gdcs. He never replied. I told dh that was the end of it and I was never going to see him or make contact with him again. Dh then text my dad behind my back and spoke to him. During the conversation that followed my dad said he wouldn't speak to me unless I apologised for saying he had never been there for me as a father. Dh told him I should never have said that.

I feel so betrayed by this. It is true and I had every right to say it. I had also told dh that he was not to contact my dad under any circumstances. Dh thinks I should get over this because he was trying to help and didn't mean to upset me.

Sorry for the essay Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:23

"Good fathers" don't sexually and mentally abuse the mother of their children

So he stopped raping her ?

Whoody-do

I would question the morals of a man who thought he had the right to do that in the first place. He stopped because I guess she gave him an ultimaum, not because he thought he was doing anything wrong.

You would give him another 2 years ????

The OP will be suicidal by then.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:23

whoopy-do

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:27

Sad He didn't respect you enough to honour your very relevant wishes. Why was he so keen for you to see your dad, who was not there for you? It's almost as though he is happy for reinforcements to over-rule you.

My dh would never go behing my back like this, and you are entitled, at the very least, to expect loyalty from your dh. Otherwise, what's the point of marriage?

I'm not surprised this is causing you hurt. Did you speak of this to relate too?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:27

OP, that is a very controlling thing hat your H did

contacting your estranged father behind your back and undermining you o him

he wants to break your spirit, and he is doing a damn fine job of it in such a short space of time

a marriage as short as yours should still be in a relatively-honeymoon phase

sexual abuse, controlling behaviour, interfering in your difficult family relations, making everything your fault, driving you out of your home

in only 6 years ?

what will the next 6 years bring ?

or that magic 2 years ?

I dread to think...

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 17:27

Oh OP, if you need permission or validation that leaving is the right thing to do, then please take it from this thread.

This has gone way beyond anything Relate can solve. Speaking to your father like that behind your back was a massive betrayal of trust. What a horrible wanker to do such a thing.

And as AF said, him refraining from raping you is not a reason to stay. Wormshuffler, a good father doesn't rape the mother of his children.

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:30

I think it would help you Ant if you started to take a bit more control in your life, for example getting a part time job would give you confidence, or a hobby that is just yours and nothing to do with DH or DC's.
As it is being a SAHM this is your whole life as Mum and Wife, rather than being Mum , Wife and YOU. It is very difficult to gain perspective on a situation when it is your entire life.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:30

Maybe subconsciously you have ended up with a man like your dad, in an attempt to rewrite the endings?

It was a massive betrayal, and his motives for doing so are not love and respect.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:30

so far your husband has managed to enlist a counsellor and your own father to contribute in his own campaign to control you, and to undermine your self-belief

who else has this charmer managed to rope in to make you feel this shit ?

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:31

I know I know I know...that's why I contacted relate. I am not looking to bury my head in the sand I really am not. I just know there is a really really good side to him, otherwise I wouldn't have put up with all this crap. I am not a door mat. I was hoping beyond hope that relate would help him realise why he is like this sometimes and help him bring that behaviour to an end.

While I will not be walked on for the rest of my life, he is really not a bad man. Yes he has major faults, but surely counselling can help that?

OP posts:
Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:31

Are you all telling me that you have never had sex with your partners just to keep them quiet?? Well I am shocked. I hardly ever want to do it, but recognise that DH does so i very often go along with it for him.

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 17:33

What?!!?

Genuinely shocked by that Worms.

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:33

I'm sure there's some good psychological analysis we could do about re-establishing the patriarchy against OP's will.

Or we could just summarise: what a dickish betrayal.

swallowedAfly · 26/01/2011 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 17:34

And even then there's a difference between lying back and thinking of England and telling someone to stop and they don't.

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