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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so afraid that my marriage is over, I don't know what is the best thing to do anymore

161 replies

Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 09:13

I am so upset and confused so forgive me if this is all over the place..

Dh and I going to relate at the moment but I am not sure we can stay together long enough to give it a chance to work. Our house flooded over xmas so have all the stress of that too, and two dc under 3.

I feel like I am losing the will to live.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:34

X posts. I had just enquirer about going to uni to be a midwife but missed the application cut off by 4 days...planning on applying for sept 12 months..although probably not possible as a single mum.

I am from Ireland, but I don't think I have the reserves of energy to get myself and 2 dcs there at the moment

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:35

wormshuffler, I respectfully suggest you are way out of your depth on this thread

and no, I have never and will never, have sex with anybody to "keep them quiet"

that is seriously fucked-up, and I think you are projecting your own marital problems onto this OP who has enough of her own without you suggesing she turn herself into some kind of Stepford wife to stop her man from sulking

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:36

Ants, I'm not a doormat either. I'm young, I'm clever, I'm pretty. I also took far more shit than I'd ever have imagined. I look back at myself now & despair. When I was in the middle of it, it seemed like an almost reasonable price to pay for things seeming okay most of the time & upholding the façade of happy families.

Getting caught in such a trap doesn't make you stupid or a doormat or anything like that. It just means that you've dedicated yourself to your family until you simply can't any longer, because your self-esteem (& that of your DC!) rests on it. There's no shame in that.

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:37

I never actually told him to stop.

OP posts:
RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:37

Wow, I only just saw the latest enlightened update from WS.

Having sex with someone to 'keep them quiet' is not healthy. Nor very effective. If you want that, sit on his face Wink

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:38

A lack of refusal does not equate to consent. & your husband, of all people, should know you well enough to tell the difference between you actively participating & lying there, motionless, because you're scared of the fallout of saying no.

kepler10b · 26/01/2011 17:39

Theantsgomarchinghome - just wanted to say i think you are being really brave and doing your best. my gut feeling would be to give up on relate making the relationship work. but that is so easy to say as an outsider. you are the one who has to live with the consequences.

also though - don't feel you are a failure to let go of this relationship. i'm sure you will are a great mum to your kids and you will be a brilliant single mum if that is what it comes to.

i went to relationship counselling once in a relationship that was borderline abusive - the counsellor also failed to pick up on the abuse. think all i wanted was for her to say "you are being treated badly", but i never got that vindication. it was only a few years later that i realised what i really needed was to feel the confidence in my own sense of being abused / treated badly and to realise that was enough and i didn't need an outsider to confirm that for me. of course when your self esteem as at the bottom it is hard to feel confident enough in that.

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:41

Ha , so just because I have a different opinion to the rest of you I am "way out of my depth", I have no marital problems thanks you very much, our relationship is very much give and take on both sides. However when I was a SAHM I was very unhappy and as my whole life revolved around being a Wife and Mother I blamed this. Since I have had a job and my own interests I am totally happy. I lay back and think of England occasionally. The Op has already said he has stopped this behaviour once he saw the error of his ways.

madonnawhore · 26/01/2011 17:41

Ants, it doesn't matter. You should never feel like you 'have' to have sex with someone to keep them happy. Sex under any kind of duress is awful and damaging and wrong.

I really sympathise and can only echo what Respect says above. I let a man treat me like shit for years and I never, ever thought I was the kind of person that that would happen to. But by the time you realise what's going on, you're right in the middle and it feels like it's too late to get out.

I really hope you manage to get the strength to leave. You're not weak or a failure, you're someone who has put up with years of mental and sexual abuse and you've obviously had enough now.

swallowedAfly · 26/01/2011 17:42

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swallowedAfly · 26/01/2011 17:44

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RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:44

Worm, it's not about having a different opinion. It's about being wrong to the point of being dangerous. HTH.

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 17:46

OK, so your father is a misogynist too. Did your mother dump him or did she resign herself to living as a subhuman piece of property?
I'm not at all surprised your H contacted your father behind your back. Your H, like all abusive misogynists, has radar for a controllable woman; you start standing up for yourself and he's going to enlist other people to convince you that you are an object he owns and must learn obedience.
I'm very sorry for you but you have to take the first steps out of this prison for yourself.

windowsonthemind · 26/01/2011 17:48

You sound lonely and exhausted and a long way from home but would it take that much effort to get yourself and your DC over to Ireland in the next few days ants?

maybe what you really need is to talk honestly about this with people who care about you and your future happiness.

Do you have friends in Ireland? Do you have family there that you trust to think of what's best for you without their own agendas getting in the way?

I can't believe there are women who let their DHs fuck them for an easy life, to keep them quiet. Awful to think there are men out there who go along with that. No self respecting man would.

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:50

My mother stayed in a blatantly unhappy relationship until she had an affair with my uncle and blew two families apart. I will not waste my life. And my uncle is still with his wife by the way. But my mum is finally some way happy alone.

OP posts:
Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:52

He doesn't know I am doing it just to please him, I love him and want to give him something that he likes, even if i'm not that keen.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:52

wormshuffler a happy marriage usually involves both partners wanting to make love, not one rarely up for it and giving in to 'keep them quiet'.

I think it's great you have the dream of being a midwife op. Did your h support you in this?

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:53

I am so worn out windows, I started crying in tesco the other day cause my ds lost his favourite teddy. I don't think I am suitably equipped to deal with the perils of travelling alone with 2 under 3..all this stuff with the house really hasn't helped

OP posts:
Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:55

Sex is only a tiny part of a marriage....

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:55

Yes perfumed, was really gutted for me that I missed the deadline. Also would support me going back to work or whatever, but I don't want to do a job I have o interest in, would rather be a sahm..precious little time left of them being babies

OP posts:
RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:57

Sex may only be a tiny part, but respect shouldn't be.

Chandon · 26/01/2011 17:58

I feel like telling everybody to CALM DOWN please.

O.k. Ants, I think you have to take a deep breath and remember that you do not have to make a decision right now.

You do not have to decide to leave him forever, or stay with him forever right now. That is a way big decision.

You have to accept however that it is very telling that you feel (and have) like running away. This means things are bad.

I can see you must be confused, as the guy who plays so wonderfully with the children, and who can be so loving to you, also is the person who hurts and upsets you.

A trial separation would be a good idea, as it is not permanent (necessarily) but will give you time to sort out your finances, paperwork and plan for the future.

I think the person to move out, in your situation, should be him. If he refuses, or becomes nasty about it, it only confirms your (and our) worst fears really, doesn't it? Ideally, he should move in with a mate (or hotel) for a week to start with. That is not as "threatening" to him as storming in and demanding divorce.

There are mayor issues of trust and respect.

I would try to be as calm as possible, and meanwhile trying to get a few (financial, logistic etc.) things sorted.

FWIW, my DH and I have had a bad patch, and I have gone through the motions (and emotions) of leaving. Like you I am not from the UK, which made me feel a lot more vulnerable. We sorted it out, but I have to say, we did not have issues with trust (essentially the only reason your H did not sleep with the woman because SHE said no, not him...)or respect. And even without that it was hard enough.

You have my sympathies, and remember, you do not need to make a decision for life right now, you just need to plan the next step. Where to go from here.

Would it not be nice to have him out of the house for a few days? That is a reasonable request and you can take it from there.

Look deep inside yourself for a reserve of strength to deal.with.this.now.

All the best. I know it is hard.

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:59

No that is true RTD, and I feel the OP would respect herself more if she had a life outside the home.

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 18:00

Nice post Chandon

windowsonthemind · 26/01/2011 18:02

No you don't sound able to travel on your own with 2 smallies ants. Not right now. Best not to give yourself that pressure. It is very hard for you that you came to live in the UK and have no real network of your own here. That must be tough.

Atleast you have a MIL who was able to stand in and take over for tonight. Can you get more help like that so you can access counselling on your own?

Maybe with all your Mum has gone through, she might understand your situation and be a support through phonecalls?