Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am so afraid that my marriage is over, I don't know what is the best thing to do anymore

161 replies

Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 09:13

I am so upset and confused so forgive me if this is all over the place..

Dh and I going to relate at the moment but I am not sure we can stay together long enough to give it a chance to work. Our house flooded over xmas so have all the stress of that too, and two dc under 3.

I feel like I am losing the will to live.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/01/2011 16:25

Can you ask relate if yours sounds like a normal marriage? And if they advice you to put up with an unhappy marriage because, really, the marriage sounds just honkey dorey?

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 16:26

That's helpful. Thanks. Wish I had thought of that. How do know I even have parents?

OP posts:
Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 16:28

And of course it's not right. That's why I went to them in the first place. Life isn't black and White you know, lots of grey out there. Bless you and your perfect life

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/01/2011 16:29

I dont know anything about you. Other than what you chose to divulge.

I shall leave you to it.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 16:30

your defensiveness will bring this thread to a close if you carry on in this vein

would that be helpful to you...?

did the Relate counssellor tell you, or him, that your marriage wasn't an abusive one ?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 16:30

cross posted

are you drinking ?

QuintessentialShadows · 26/01/2011 16:31

oh dont be a bloody martyr.

You dont have to behave like a shit to people who are taking time trying to be helpful.

I am not going to scold you for assuming I have a perfect and blessed life.

Good bye.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 16:32

I mean, right now ?

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 16:32

I am sitting in front of a glass of wine I have yet to drink. Let's just close the thread now. Thanks.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/01/2011 16:33

interesting hotel, no bath, but roomservice?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 16:36

OK.

let's start again

you are on your own in a hotel room and feeling desperate

you are lashing out at people trying to understand your situation

your last thread was very difficult reading for you, and you didn't react in this defensive way

I think you are in a dark place, and possibly drinking

can I respectfully suggest you call a RL trusted friend or member of your family to come get you ?

failing that, ring a RL helpline such as The Samaritans, I think we are just going to wind you up further and that would not be a good thing right now

will you do just that one thing ?

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 16:37

I'm in the crappy two for one pub / restaurant next door to the crappy hotel. Who mentioned room service? This is just making me more upset so not going to post anymore. Thank you all for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
windowsonthemind · 26/01/2011 16:40

Can I just say one thing to you ants which is that you are hanging on to what Relate said to you as though it means everything. As though their view is final

You are all just ignoring the fact that relate have said repeatedly with full facts that is not an abusive relationship

just becasue your Relate counsellor said he was not abusive, does not mean he is not abusive. She could be wrong. You are the one living this life, not her, she doesn't have to live with the consequences in the way you do.

FWIW I think they are trained to avoid labelling anyone as abusive. I have had them say that to me and I believed them. Now I know to form my own opinions about what is and what isn't abuse. If you feel abused, then it is abuse.

Not drinking alcohol right now would probably help you to work through this.

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 16:47

Ants, one person told you that it wasn't an abusive situation. Several people here have told you that it is.

Being a single mother is hard. Do you know what's harder? Living with a man who makes you feel worthless & all of the sorrow & regret & worry that goes with that.

Fighting for your marriage isn't the only option. Please consider that it may not even be the best option.

For now, at this immediate time, please take care of yourself.

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 16:51

Thanks respect.. I know that. I think it is over and I will leave him. I am just trying to decide whether or not to give relate a chance to work or whether to just call it a day now.

I am sorry if I got defensive, but I don't consider myself to be the down trodden weak person that people here seem really quick to label me as. I will leave. But I want to be sure. And to know I did the right thing with no regrets

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 16:53

No-one is making a judgement of you

Your defensiveness is entirely misplaced

The judgments are about him and your difficulty in accepting them

Suncottage · 26/01/2011 16:57

Ants

Get some sleep or go for a walk, do anything that you can that does not involve fretting and getting yourself so upset.

It is a cliche but a good night's sleep can help you to see problems differently.

I really, really hope you are okay, there is a way out of this situation.

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 16:59

I hope a night away will give you some time to think OP, and I am in the try to make it work camp..... You said he was a good Dad, not that I am saying you should stay for the sake of the children, but being a SM is very hard.
Hopefully a night away will show him how serious you are and that you are on the verge. I am sorry about all the negative responses you have had, you have every right to defend yourself as you want it to work.
All the best and good luck xxx

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:00

Ants, lots of women here have had that internal struggle. Me included. It's so hard to finally pull the plug & to accept that you've been almost literally killing yourself to keep the marriage going when your husband's been the one causing the problems & making very little effort.

Not only do you feel that you're condemning your DC to a 'broken family', & that you still love him & want it to work, it's soul-destroying to accept that all of your hard work & tears have been wasted.

Really, it's not a waste. That hard work & tears have been you making sure that you've done the wrong thing so you can leave without regrets. That bit will never feel any different. You'll never wake up one day & think 'he's had enough of a chance now'. Not without something horrific happening to shock you into pure survival mode, at least. It's always going to be a wrench. That doesn't make it the wrong decision.

& FWIW, my DS is infinitely happier now he's not living in that atmosphere any more. & I dread to think what kind of attitude he'd have grown up with if we'd stayed.

perfumedlife · 26/01/2011 17:03

I don't think you are downtrodden op. I do think your dh is an abuser though, and I never use that term lightly. The sex thing is so wrong and you were blaming yourself for not telling him to stop. That's sad.

This marriage is only four years old, and yet there have been problems since before the marriage. That tells me it's not right, he is not right for you. There is no shame in deciding you deserve better. Reading your last thread was very sad. And yet, here you are, alone in a hotel, six months later, still unhappy.

Life is short, it's always later than you think.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:03

WS, out of interest, did you read the linked thread ?

Wormshuffler · 26/01/2011 17:07

Yes I did AF

AnyFucker · 26/01/2011 17:08

ok

RespectTheDoughnut · 26/01/2011 17:09

I'm not going to hide my agenda. I think that you should leave this man. I fundamentally disagree with Wormshuffler on this occasion. Sometimes things are fixable, sometimes they're not.

But without bias, if I can help it, I genuinely think that being a single mother is easier than being a married mother in a bad marriage.

  1. You rediscover your self-respect. You are a person. You are every bit as valuable as anybody else. The way that your DC look at you when you're genuinely happy for the first time in recent memory; the love in their eyes & their appreciation... That reminds you of who you are & why you're still fighting.
  2. You don't rely on anybody else, so you're never let down. The anti-SM argument is that you have to take everything on yourself. But if you want a job doing... etc. If you know that you have to achieve a, b & c, you can schedule it. If you think that you need to achieve a & b, then your H dumps c on your lap at the last minute, that's a problem.
  3. You actually gain a lot more time for yourself! You only have to consider you & your DC. You don't have to worry about your H. You don't have to argue, or have sex when you're not so inclined. You can spend that time doing any other number of things.
  4. Britain is not a country where you'll starve if you leave your H. There may be cuts aplenty & you may not be financially comfortable, but you will cope. We are not, nor could we ever allow ourselves to be, in a situation where we are financially beholden to men. We are not commodities. We can leave & stand independent.

It is hard. It is exhausting. But so is living with an abusive man. In fact, so is any failing marriage with the label 'abusive' or not. & at least you'll be exhausted for you & your DC, not for a selfish bastard.

Original poster
Theantsgomarching · 26/01/2011 17:09

I'm just so so so sad. So sad. I can't believe this is the life I have made for me and my children. My heart is breaking

OP posts: