If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

This isn't a man who is fearful of the next slap or punch ffs. Not a man worrying for 7 yrs if his wife may hit him again any day now.
Tbh this whole discussion is insulting to people who really have suffered from domestic violence and is bloody ridiculous towards the person this is aimed at!

Capital after full stop !

What have my posts shown you then?.

I haven't seen a thread on here.

Im sorry but no i don't accept that my history makes me less capable of realising that violance is wrong. I thought it before what i went through and i still think so now.

i hit once my lt bf... well I tried, I mean a did my best.
He was laughing his head off as I was really pathetic with my silly punches. He loved it because for once the cool cucumber of his loving girlfriend showed some sign jealousy he really thought it was hilarious. To put a stop to it (just as well as I was only tickling him while my hands were getting sore) he faked pain in his groins and rolled to the floor like an cheating footballer
He is very fond of this memory and it is a story he enjoyed telling friends over dinner now and again.

Thing is we did love each other truly deeply and had the utmost respect, I got out the frustration had built up for a minor incident, he was well chuffed to see me react
Am I an abuser?

Somethingorotherboo.

Stop being silly. Hitting out is not ok in anyone's world. Don't make an infantile comment about the complexity of what is being debated here.

Hitting is ok in no one's world.

What we are saying is that is is absolutely not the reason for an OH to walk out of the door 100% of the time. That is all, ok?

Topknot - don't bother. I don't often find certain poster are willing to actual open their ears and engage in debate. It just becomes a slagging match. Who can shout loudest. What's the point.

You talk an aweful lot of sense ClareVoyant

"Thing is we did love each other truly deeply and had the utmost respect,"

you are deluded if you think he respected you. not from what you have posted anyway.

as i have said, my issue is not with the specifics of any of the situations discussed. My issue is with the apparent dismissal of the violance because it was a woman against a man.

it is not on.

I am astounded that this has to be a debate really.

justforthisone..apparently so 3)

But circumstances do dictate if it was abuse or not ! And will you get a dictionary !

oh for fucks sake!right, some of you may think that its ok to hit your OH. you might think that being a woman negates violence, and that it somehow enhances your relationship or is excusable. it isnt. as I said, if dh and I were ever to reach that point, we would be looking hard at our relationship. not necessarily splitting up, but there would be deep-rooted problems. how the fuck can you not see that?

stop hiding behind insults and grow up!

"Stop being silly. Hitting out is not ok in anyone's world. Don't make an infantile comment about the complexity of what is being debated here.

Hitting is ok in no one's world. "

actually Rf if you read topknobs post you will see that she feels justified in hitting her DH. she believes his EA was reason nough to hit him. so yes it does look like hitting has a place in her world.

there was nothing infantile about my post. there is however about you pretending my name is too confusing for you to type.

"Im sorry but no i don't accept that my history makes me less capable of realising that violance is wrong. I thought it before what i went through and i still think so now."

more spinning. i didn't say violence was right.

although surely you must have come to come to some accommodation with violence if it happened more than once? not that i am advocating that, of course, i just don't really see why what you thought before you were an abused woman is relevant. you were an abused woman, i would advocate that plenty of couples can wallop each other on the odd, shameful occasion, apologise and get over it without either party actually being 'abused'.

but then i am always dazzled by the amount of people on here who think that 'bullying' is a one-off. to me it is a sustained process, not just a single incident.

IloveItWhenYouCallMeBoo

funny, turns out you were wrong on the other thread? Yes, some people actually love each other!

topknob, no space between the word and puncuation marks my love.

It wasn't a dismissal of the violence though, was it? It was a debate about where to draw the line over or under the word 'abuser'.

Tell the truth and shame the devil, as my old Nan used to say.

i hit once my girlfreind once... well I tried, I mean a did my best.
she was laughing his head off as I was really pathetic with my silly punches. sHe loved it because for once the cool cucumber of his boyfreind showed some sign jealousy he really thought it was hilarious. To put a stop to it she faked pain and rolled to the floor like an cheating footballer

Am I an abuser?

can you see the difference?

topknob have you heard of dyslexia? are you aware that many posters here are dyslexic and have difficulty with spelling?

Queen - the thread was called I just hit DH. OP was something like ohhelpmeplease.

And I don't think I said anywhere that I DIDN'T get help to understand my anger issues. I did nothing but try and get to the bottom of where it came from. Answer quite simple. I repress feelings of anger and frustration for long periods rather than expressing them in the moment. Hence eruption out of proportion with issue of the moment.

So, I now work very hard at telling DH all the time how much he is winding me up .

Also, I don't think your history makes you less able to judge, I just think it makes you more likely to err on the side of caution.

happy, which thread are we talking about and what was i wrong about?

So being told how crap you are, how unattractive you are, how much a shit mum you are, how you are lazy, how you are shit shit shit, day in and day out...with much more - you wouldn't upon being followed around the house, being unable to be left to go to sleep without him coming in and waking you up to carry on the insult, you wouldn't at some stage snap????

Bullshit !

My experience has no bearing on this discussion at all actually.

I don't suppose that there are many people that do leave after the initial slap. if it does indeed prove to be a one of then fine. but you are the minority.

If you have gotten over that initial incident but then it happens again it is no longer a one off.

why thank you, pineapple.

lis, that is YOUR relationship, don't you see? i would actually hate to have a relationship where we would have to navel-gaze if one partner lost the rag and lashed out physically when the other party KNEW that they had also gone too far verbally and when both have apologised for acting like shitbags. some couples have parity, just different ways of expressing themselves.

(lol btw, that makes it sound as if me and dh are at each other's throats, which we aren't. we don't fight, particularly. we niggle, then someone gets ridiculous, then we laugh, then it's over, for the most part. )

oh the dyslexia bull.....no she is clearly unable to spell and don't even bother talking to me about SEN...I know all there is too know and more. I deal with that every single day.

I'd leave before I snapped.