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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

755 replies

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 21:34

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

OP posts:
Alambil · 23/01/2011 21:51

psychology of abuse is not the thing to hide behind.

The message is simple. If you're abused, seek help and sort it.

That's it.

No ifs, no buts, no "but it's only once".

Seek help. Leave. Get your life back on track. Male or female.

That is the message and yes. It is that simple.

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 23/01/2011 21:51

QueenG I think there is a level of tolerance of violent behaviour that seems to prevent people from recognising they are being abusive. So many people seem to rush in and say "Well I hit my DH when we were arguing and I'm not abusive!"

Yes you are, you are just in denial.

I have accepted that my behaviour to my DH over many years has been abusive. I have slapped him twice, slammed doors and thrown things, but have been critical, dismissive and disrespectful as well.

It has taken me 17 months of psychotherapy to identify the triggers and the hurt from the past that produced this behaviour. I have addressed it because I really disliked the person I had become. I have moved out of the family home because it was proving impossible to change while still living with him.

I do not trust myself yet not to revert to the old ways, so I am steering clear of relationships. But it is possible to learn better ways of treating people.

Keep pointing out abuse whenever you see it here, it can really help people change!

RamonaFlowers · 23/01/2011 21:52

YYY Clarevoyant.

Original poster
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 21:52

the site was indeed the one i stumbled on. the one that clearly some on this thread are members of.

I was intrigued as at first you seemed almost fun. reading on i just became dusgusted at your joint attitudes.

I hope none of you become one of the 1 in 4 women who experience DV in their life. or one of the 2 women every week who are murdered by a current or former partner.
because your pals will just say that your fella was just a bit headstrong and that you have no right to complain.

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2011 21:52

topknob (appropriate) and ramona, whats the issue. gigi is right. abuse is abuse. I wouldnt hit dh, and her wouldnt hit me. if either of us did cross that line then our relationship would need re-evaluating.

hear something you dont like? look at why you dont like it, dont make shitey comments.

topknob · 23/01/2011 21:53

Yes you are, you are just in denial.

OMG !!!!!! Seriously, you have no fucking idea what you are talking about.....you have no idea what we had to endure before it got to that stage of hitting the men...twice in 11 years...that is not abuse it is a mistake ffs !

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 21:53

queen i am with you.

and yes, hitting your DH twice is abuse. you should have taken steps the first time it happened to make sure it never happened again. you knew you were capable of it but didn't try and stop it happening.

and i cannot believe there are people saying they wish tehy could hit their partner. what the hell is wrong with them? why are they with people they want to hurt?

fit2drop · 23/01/2011 21:53

QGM, What you are forgetting to add is that the "wish I could hit my other half " is being said tongue in cheek,....so you have deliberately taken and quoted stuff out of context.
And you have not added how that poster felt about hitting her husband and how mortified and ashamed of her behaviour she was and how she had done it as a result of him following her after she tried to remove herself from the argument several times...how he pushed a door over her foot taking the skin off four of her toes and she hit out in a reflex way out of the pain he caused her.
So if you are going to quote people , try quoting the whole story , not just the bits that make her sound like a monster and you like a pious know it all do gooder pseudo bloody psychologist.

OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2011 21:53

and why should she just bring it up on the other forum? if this is where she feel comfortable ffs!

topknob · 23/01/2011 21:54

lissie, I will say what I want - idiot !

ClareVoyant · 23/01/2011 21:54

what does that actually mean, 'not the thing to hide behind'? i'm not hiding, i'm saying that the motivation, method of and reaction to the violence should be taken into account.

whereas you sound like you read a pamphlet, tbh.

ClareVoyant · 23/01/2011 21:56

i have no idea what the other thread is, has QG started a thread about a thread?

OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2011 21:56

as will I. Smile

topknob · 23/01/2011 21:56

you know what, you may all live in a bubble where everything is black and white, but there is a much bigger world out there with partners who aren't always reasonable who do get personal and who won't just leave it or let they're wives dictate to them, which I think is what a lot of your OH's are putting up with.....twice in 11 years, not twice in one month.........I really hope one day you get pushed too far then you will see the absolute crap you are coming out with !!!!!!!!!!

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 23/01/2011 21:56

Because it just looks like shit stirring, lissielou. She hasn't given any context to the discussion and wants everyone else to see it in black and white. Life ain't like that.

topknob · 23/01/2011 21:57

fit2drop !!!!!!! xxxxxxxx

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 23/01/2011 21:57

A thread on another forum, Clare

happyhoggy · 23/01/2011 21:58

QG - do copy and paste - seems you are missing some info ???

abuse is abuse, i dont think anyone can argue with that.

Pumpster · 23/01/2011 21:58

So is smacking children very rarely and regrettably also abuse?
Life is not black and white, I don't agree with smacking children or hitting partners btw - but we are human and very occasionally people act wrongly. Is there fear in a relationship or was it something that can be moved on from. Only the people directly involved can really decide this surely.

Original poster
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 21:58

i am not a pious tittynit.

I am someone who endured years of abuse. physical sexual and emotional.

I do not accept excuses for abuse. I did not read most of the posts, i was skimming trying to find just one post where someone came on and spoke with reason. someone who pointed out that what this woman had discussed was abuse. that if her relationship had gotten to such a level then rather than excusing their mutual violance they needed to sort the fuck out.

but that didn't happen. not one single poster. and that both saddened and angered me.

OP posts:
OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2011 21:58

ok, so its ok for a dh to hit his wife because she spilt his dinner on him and it burnt him? its ok to hit someone because you "snapped"?

it is that black and white.

violence is violence and it is wrong.

SingleUse · 23/01/2011 21:59

I said i wish i could hit my OH...

problem?!

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 21:59

"there is a much bigger world out there with partners who aren't always reasonable who do get personal and who won't just leave it or let they're wives dictate to them"

so what, you hit them a slap to stop them getting too big for their boots? Hmm

RamonaFlowers · 23/01/2011 21:59

Lissie - it's because this has all stemmed from a thread yesterday on here which I can't be bothered to link.

It's about OP's refusal to acknowledge that a woman can have a single moment of madness and not repeat it.

I've said on that original thread than I once thumped DH in an argument where he pushed some very raw buttons.

That was 10 years ago. It has NEVER been repeated, and I was deeply ashamed. I abused DH in that moment. We have been together 15 years. One incident. Two lovely DCS' - a blissfully happy marriage.

That is why I can't stand this type of internet debate. Because people take a position and they won't budge. They refuse to even acknowledge there may be situations like mine without telling me my DH should have left me for that one incident.

It's just stupid. Sorry, but it is.

ClareVoyant · 23/01/2011 22:00

"psychology of abuse is not the thing to hide behind.

The message is simple. If you're abused, seek help and sort it."

actually this is irritating in retrospect. if you are abused, seek help. great.

i don't think that hitting someone by definition constitutes abuse. it might, it might not. so please don't allude to what i have written and then tie it to a completely different statement. terrible sort of spinning, that.