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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

755 replies

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 21:34

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

OP posts:
topknob · 23/01/2011 22:00

QGOM.......you were an abusive victim, they you know you really know how far to takes to snap ! Yet you are being so judgemental ! that makes no sense at all.

Original poster
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 22:01

im sorry but i cannot undertand your post at all.

OP posts:
topknob · 23/01/2011 22:01

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo

No I hit him because he was abusing me ffs ! Emotional abuse...have you any idea, clearly fucking not !

bibbitybobbityhat · 23/01/2011 22:02

Gosh, there's an awful lot of new names on this thread. What's going on? Some kind of forum to forum invasion?

GinaFordsDrugMule · 23/01/2011 22:02

The question still remains. Do you wear Boden or what?

topknob · 23/01/2011 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 22:03

It's about OP's refusal to acknowledge that a woman can have a single moment of madness and not repeat it.

erm. Why should it be ok for a woman to hit a man (and not once but 3 times) and yet we all expect (rightly) zero tolerence for a man hitting a woman.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 22:03

so instead of walking away and removing yourself from this emotional abuse you physically assualted him? and that is ok in your world?

Original poster
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 22:04

no not thick as shit, degree educated professional. but your post - topknob Sun 23-Jan-11 22:00:15

QGOM.......you were an abusive victim, they you know you really know how far to takes to snap ! Yet you are being so judgemental ! that makes no sense at all.

does not make any sense whatsoever in English, which is, i am afraid the only language i speak

OP posts:
topknob · 23/01/2011 22:05

degree professional, whatfuckingever

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 22:05

and yes i have suffered emotional abuse. i never ever had to hit my EX to stop the abuse. physically hurting him would not have stopped what he was doing in my head.

OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2011 22:06

erm. Why should it be ok for a woman to hit a man (and not once but 3 times) and yet we all expect (rightly) zero tolerence for a man hitting a woman.

totally agree. agree with boo too

topknob - welcome to mumsnet Hmm

topknob · 23/01/2011 22:06

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo

seriously you would leave your oh and kids? rather than try and resolve the issues, it takes it to get to a point where you say thats enough and work through your problems

RamonaFlowers · 23/01/2011 22:06

I think Queen, that you have to acknowledge that your particular history is going to make you see this type of incident in a very particular way.

I grew up without any of the heartache you have suffered. Very normal loving family. So I can see the incident with my DH for what it was. A flash of blind anger and temper that got out of hand. That I have the intelligence and self control to put back in a box and never open again. Do you honestly feel that I am an abuser not deserving of my DH? Without any other knowledge or window into our lives?

It's honestly crazy, it just is. But I don't expect you to concede anything now you've started this thread from such a particular perspective.

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 23/01/2011 22:06

I actually disagree with that too, QGOM. Anyone is capable of losing their temper as a one off. Anyone is capable of hitting out in fury. But the circumstances have to be taken into account, surely?

Are you seriously saying that if a man slaps his partner around the face once in 15 years, that he is an abuser?

topknob · 23/01/2011 22:07

didn't say it stopped it but everyone has a level and he pushed mine at those times.

wtf am I justifying myself to daily mail readers anyway?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 22:07

"seriously you would leave your oh and kids? rather than try and resolve the issues, it takes it to get to a point where you say thats enough and work through your problems"

erm, hitting your DH was not solving the issue was it? Confused

topknob · 23/01/2011 22:07

lissie been here for ages now

RamonaFlowers · 23/01/2011 22:08

Oh god OP. No one is saying it is RIGHT for anyone to hit ANYONE.

I am just saying one incident (and I haven't read the thread you have, I'm talking about the candlestick thread on MN from yesterday) is not a reason for the MN Harpies to cry BITCH, THE "SHIT" DH should leave you (sorry, now tagging from the other thread about that thread that is currently twatting about in AIBU tonight).

ClareVoyant · 23/01/2011 22:08

i'm not from another forum, bib. i'd have thought you, as a perennial name-changer, would be the last person to query new screen names.

i see, so it's a thread about a thread on here, pretending to be a threat about a thread somewhere else. cunning. Grin.

it's likely you will take a harder line, QG, if you have sadly been the victim of abuse. that's why we don't allow the victims of crime to prosecute and sentence the guilty person. it's not an unreasonable position for you to take under the circumstances, but it doesn't make you more likely to be right about it.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 22:09

and no i wouldn't have left my kids. i would have taken them with me rather than leaving them with an emotional abuser.

OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2011 22:10

not daily mail readers. sure youve been here aga=es?

Original poster
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 23/01/2011 22:10

Ramona - i appreciate that you lost your temper and that it may have been a one off. but I also think that if you have not looked into the reasons you felt that you reached that point there is a chance it will get there again.

My issue is the fact that the forum were all joking about the fact that hitting a man is ok.

We only need to see the posts by topknob here to see the level of intillect on display.

I worry that this view is so widespread. Whilst i understand that thankfully these "women" are contained on the one forum but i presume that there are other women out there that feel similarly.

We must educate that violance in a relationship is wrong. from any gender!

OP posts:
happyhoggy · 23/01/2011 22:11

violence is bad regardless of who does it

its very easy to judge and make strong assumptions about situations you are not in.

you will only know how you will deal with a situation once you are in it.

many people survive affairs, violent and emotional abuse if the guilty party acknowledges their problems and fix them

topknob · 23/01/2011 22:11

intillect lmao !